morephine Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Well here I am again with this time, a big update which could go either way . After I found out on Father's Day that she had an online relationship for 2 years, it was the last straw. I gave up the whole pursuit and trying to get her to change her mind. I had calmed down and a few days later, told her that we both need to do our own thing and to make an agreement to give it a year before we file the papers because who knows what can change in that year. Her EA still hasn't gone physical because the guy lives in FL and has no plans of coming here nor does she plan to go there. Anyways, I ran into one of my ex's last week and hit things off again. Nothing big and it was put out there from get go that I wasn't looking for anything big or trying to get into a relationship again. Anyways, my wife and I have been able to talk to each other without too much trouble regarding others. She kept pushing for me to go date and everything else. We talked about my run in with the ex and that I had a date with her last Saturday. She was happy for me and kept telling me to have fun but then something changed in her. She was asking about the kind of things we talk about and I wouldn't really say what we talk about other than that we discussed what has gone on in our lives and my present situation. I told her that yes I still had some sort of feelings for the person because the breakup wasn't for any problems, it was for me moving to another state and she still had some feelings as well. That's pretty much when things changed and she stumbled a little bit. The wife recovered after a few seconds and said that she was alright now and that it was cool and to go and have fun again. Saturday comes and it went so very well. I had an incredible range of emotions though because while everything was so good with me and the ex, I had fleeting thoughts of being mad at my wife because these are things she used to do but hasn't in so long. Those passed rather quickly but it still made me realize that I'm not quite ready to date. Even still we got caught up in a moment and she kissed me. I was actually very good and politely stopped it and told her that I wasn't ready for all of this and we finished the date amicably. She was very understanding as she had gotten out of a LTR about a year ago and went through the same things. Anyways, I came home and almost immediately, my wife calls and asks how everything went. I told her things went well and tried to leave it at that. Then she kept pushing on what we did. She popped out did I kiss her, which I immediately tried to dodge because a) it wasn't her business and b) because I didn't really want to talk about those things with her. She kept pushing and finally I said yes. She blew up from there. Like a fool, I felt the need to defend myself and told her that I remained loyal because I stopped things from going any further. Needless to say, after going back and forth I finally got fed up and told her that I understands that she's hurt but she wanted all of this and she kept pushing for me to go out. I told her either we can straighten everything out and remain friends or we can just leave things as is that it didn't really matter to me. She ended up calling later on that night and saying that she wanted me to do those things and didn't think it would bother her as much as it did. Finally, she started saying that if I could get the kids and her family to go along with it that she would be willing to work on things and she would put the guy and everything about him out of her life for good. I thought about it and the next day, I told her that wasn't going to work. I told her that she either had to want to work on things or not. No conditions or anything else that I had to do before she decided she wanted to work on things. She came back later on and said that yes some part of her still wants to work on things and that she still has some feelings there that she didn't think she had. Well I finally agreed to that and agreed to talk to the kids and her family with her helping rather than just saying that she doesn't want things to them. I also told her that it was going to take time to get everything straight and that I wanted to do things right. I also told her that what's good for her is good for me and if she won't stop talking to the other person while we're getting everything straight, then I have no reason to stop talking to my ex either. She didn't exactly like the idea but reluctantly went along with it. Now we come to today, and she's hinting around that she is going to stop but not coming out and saying it outright. My questions are: Am I doing the right thing by not just jumping right back into things? What else should I be doing? How can I tell that this isn't just some knee jerk reaction to me going out or if she's only doing this to keep me in position while she does whatever she wants? I am extremely skeptical of everything and am approaching everything with extreme caution. The reason for the irony is that for so long, she kept throwing things at me that I never wanted her until someone else got her attention but now things seem to be switched around. This wasn't my intention in any way, shape, or form as much as I would love to save my marriage and family, I was honestly starting to just move on. She wanted to remain friends so I agreed because I do enjoy her company. Now it seems like everything is flipped upside down again, even though I'm not on that emotional rollercoaster. Probably moreso because I'm not sure that I fully trust it. If it's true that she does want to work on things, then 8 months of prayers would be answered (well before Father's Day). If not, I'm far enough along that it won't affect me like it did. I guess I'm just extremely leery of the whole thing and don't know exactly how to approach. Any advice would be appreciated
Gunny376 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Drop the XGF ~ just simply tell her ~ "I've got to get my head and life together!" Drop the STBXW! Drop her cold, she's got to learn to respect you first! Divorce her azz! Just got to suffer for her sins. And that's not you're playing God ~ that's you taking back control of your life and refusing to play her on-off again silly games! Man-up! Take back your life from both of these women! Re-claim yourself and your life! Quit being a damn puppet on a string to women! Dance your dance, live your life! Quit being such a slave to T&A! There's no shortage of women! The damn planet is covered up with them. '' Me? The wife would have already been long gone talking all that smack! She wouldn't be going ~ her azz would be gone! I ride with Mr. Reality, and we're all day "real" ~ He and I don't play! The first time a woman tells me she's got doubts ~ she's nothing but HISTORY! A memory, a part of my past! She had her chance and opportunity to be with a good man! She blew it! I've got a lot of good love to give a good woman! I've got a lot to offer a good woman! I know what I'm bringing to the table, and what I've got to offer. She's (The STBXW) isn't going to appreciate what she had, until she's lost it!
Ladyjane14 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 You can't do the same thing over and over expecting different results, right? IF... there's been some kind of big change, that's one thing. But if the status quo is still present, there's no significant change which would mandate a different result. A verbal agreement to a change at some later time isn't enough proof. Here's an equation for you. Words + Actions = The Truth Words - Actions = Bullsh*t Take it slow, take it easy, and see if her words eventually match her actions. Set your boundaries for what YOU can tolerate and still maintain contentment within a relationship, and then ....don't trade on your truest boundaries.
Recommended Posts