Lilly Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 My boyfriend came over last Thurs. nite to see me before he went out of town for the weekend. We got into a huge fight because he got a phone call and didn't answer the call, but after he saw who it was, he said he was going outside to smoke. He went outside to return the call and didn't want me to hear. He talked to the person for about 4 or 5 mins. When he came back in I asked him why he had to go outside to return the call. He said he went outside to smoke, but I saw him out the window on the phone. I said you were on the phone. He said I was smoking. I was furious and said in a loud tone that if that is what you're going to be doing, don't bother coming around here anymore. He said "I don't have to take this s**t, I'm leaving. I'll talk to you later." He left and I have not heard from him since. We usually talk on the phone everyday. We have been dating for 3-1/2 months. For the last month, we have been together almost every evening and spend the night together. I don't feel like this fight is my fault because of what he did. However, I was the one that yelled at him. Whenever he comes over, he usually gets quite a few calls that he doesn't answer. Some of them are from his sister and some of them he doesn't say and just lets them go to voicemail. I asked him what kind of relationship we have and he said "Don't complicate things." I don't know what to think. I don't feel I should be the one to call first. Who knows, I may never hear from him again. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Author Lilly Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 Your advice would be helpful. This is the only fight we have had since we have been dating and I am just wondering if it is going to end like this.
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I'm not sure why you yelled at him. He could have been on the phone with ANYONE.
jcster Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I think you might have made a huge assumption that he didn't want you to hear the call. I'm a smoker, and I definitely prefer to smoke while returning phone calls. I would have done the same thing that your boyfriend did. As for the "don't complicate things" comment he made - that was rather dismissive of him. I don't think that you were out of line asking that for the amount of time you've been together. You should ask yourself WHY you reacted the way you did to the phone call. Is it because he refuses to clarify the relationship and is going out of town? Has he done anything else to cause you to be suspicious of him?
Author Lilly Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 I think I yelled at him because I was under a lot of stress with my work and also had a glass of wine. I know that in the past, he has had several girlfriends at one time. When the phone rang and he looked at the number, I asked is that one of your girlfriends? He said, yes, one of many. That kinda made me angry. You think I should apologize to him. I don't know what to do.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Ok wait i'm confused. So he has other girlfriends in addition to you? Or are we talking ex gfs here? I think I'd be pissed off if my boyfriend was talking to a bunch of his ex gfs.
Author Lilly Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Yes, a lot of ex girlfriends. Including ones where he goes out of town every other weekend. Ever since I've known him his phone rings all the time and he looks at the number but doesn't answer. He was in charge of a rehab place at one time and he said that some of the people like to stay in touch with him. I guess I have trust issues if something doesn't feel right. I tried to call him today, but he is not returning my call. This is the first time he has ever not returned my call. I asked him about having several girlfriends at one time. He said he use to be that way when he was younger, but not anymore. We are in our 40's.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Yes, a lot of ex girlfriends. Including ones where he goes out of town every other weekend. Ever since I've known him his phone rings all the time and he looks at the number but doesn't answer. He was in charge of a rehab place at one time and he said that some of the people like to stay in touch with him. I guess I have trust issues if something doesn't feel right. I tried to call him today, but he is not returning my call. This is the first time he has ever not returned my call. I asked him about having several girlfriends at one time. He said he use to be that way when he was younger, but not anymore. We are in our 40's. Hmm, well it's good that you acknowledge that you do have trust issues. Have either of you ever been married? If he has a bunch of ex gfs and he is in his 40's then maybe he doesn't really want a relationship type of commitment. Is that something that you are looking for? I'm just trying to find out that when you inquired about your relationship he said to not complicate things. Maybe you should try to talk to him about your feelings. Tell him honestly how you feel about all this and see what he says. If he isn't understanding and doesn't try to understand why you are feeling this way then he is a jerk and you should consider breaking up with him.
McFadden Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 He sounds out of line to me even on the phone call thing. Its the fact that he lied about it, not the fact that he returned a phone call. Is it your boyfriend or are you just dating him? I would not be in a relationship with him based on the sound of things.
Author Lilly Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Yes, I was married for 16 yrs. He was married twice. Each time for just a few months. I just tried to call him, but he didn't answer his phone. I left a message for him to call me back, but it is very possible that he won't if he is still angry. For the past couple of weeks, he had been calling me names and shot me the finger. Each time I would just let it slide. I think he thought he could say anything to me and get away with it. I think he was starting to take me totally for granted because I never said anything back to him when he would do things like that. Then finally I had had enough and that is when I yelled at him and I guess he saw a different side to me.
Author Lilly Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Yes, McFadden that is exactly what I'm saying. It's not that he went outside to return a phone call, but he lied about it when he came back in. That is why I was so furious. I guess I lost my temper. I feel bad about that now. I should have handled it in a better way. I guess my emotions got the better of me. We have been dating for 3-1/2 months. Sometimes he says he is my boyfriend and other times he doesn't. That is why I asked him what were we and he said don't complicate things. I guess I'm wondering if I should try to talk to him about this or just let it go and move on. I don't think he wants to talk to me. I just hate to end something on such terrible terms.
oppath Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Well, he's not fully absolved, it sounds like he's been a dick for a couple weeks, and that led you to blow up when you felt he was lying to you. I can't give any advice other than to learn from mistakes and make better choices. For example, in this situation, I would have said "who were you talking to?" Rather than accusing him of going outside to take the call. The way you approached it would naturally make him feel a little defensive. It serves no purpose to dwell on this point though; assessing the past is only worthwhile if you apply it to the present and future to make better choices. You both handled this particular incident poorly in my opinion, but I chalk it up to incompatibility. It sounds like you've been tolerating too many of his comments for several weeks -- which is something you should not do -- and it caused you to overreact. We've all been there. I'm trying to learn how to be more assertive in this regard myself, with a simple "I feel upset" comment instead of ignoring something or reacting. The other person can either say "why" and empathize or if they don't care about my feelings, they can take a hike.
jcster Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 He's taking you for granted. Like you said, you let a couple of things slide and then he's flipping you the bird. Seriously, if my boyfriend did that to me he'd be out on the sidewalk rubbing his a**. 3 1/2 months and he's pulling this bullsh*t? Kick his butt to the curb. He's obviously not committed - and he's being a jerk - you know what to do.
Author Lilly Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Thank you all for your input. Yes, I know what to do and he is history. I'm not going to be treated like that. This makes the second guy that I've dated that has cheated on me. I sure seem to make bad choices.
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