Lynna Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Angel, I know it is hard, but to me he really sounds sincere. I think he truly does love you. The question is, is that enough? The fact that he is making an effort to find counseling is a good start. You would both benefit from indivudual as well as joint counseling. It sounds like he is willing to do whatever you what/need him to do, even change jobs. Unfortunately, deciding that is going to be difficult for you. It is VERY hard to do this over a distance. Neither of you can see the other's body language, look each other in the eyes. That makes a world of a difference. Words come out and sound so differently when we speak them versus when we write them. Talk with him when he comes home, listen with all your senses. And go for the counseling. Give yourself time before you decide the ultimate fate of your marriage. Hang in there!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Honey, Nothing he says is going to be right, everything he does is not going to sit well with you. You are going to be sick when he's sitting in front of you and wish him away. You are going to be hurt deeply when he leaves as you ask. You are going to tell him you have nothing more to say and follow that statement by continuing your oratory. You will feel numb and detached, present and irate, sad and sentimental. Anger is hard for me as I use a verbal outlet for it rather than a physical one. I need someone to hear me rant, I need to use pointed words and sarcasm to allow it to escape. That's difficult when you have no one to listen. Use the board for whatever you need and understand that when your feelings contradict yourself that its oK, and we understand.
norajane Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Again, he sounds sincere, I think .... but I don't know ... as I worked my way through it, I don't know, I started to feel ... irritated by his, wording? It's the anger and bitterness of feeling: "yeah, d*ckhead, if you'd given any thought to this BEFORE you f*cked around, we wouldn't be having this problem, would we? I hope you do dissolve in a puddle of shame and regret, because YOU DID THIS." And it's the realization that he is WEAK, weaker than you thought, not the man you thought he was. And it's the realization that no matter what he says, you still hurt, and he can't take back what he did and make you whole.
allthings2everyone Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I have followed most of this..maybe not enough detail. It's a long thread...esp. being only two days old LOL!!! Look, your husband obviously loves you, okay? Sometimes guys do dumb things that really don't mean much to them... I recently cheated on my wife...was with a close acquaintance who I thought would be just incredible...WOW...was I wrong!!! This girl wasn't 1/3 of the woman that my wife is. I mean, she was young, friendly, etc., but in bed...a joke LOL!!! I now realize that my wife is the best thing I'll ever have...Can't even imagine how it could be better!!! So, yeah, you are surprised and shocked, but in the long run I think you will find that things will work out just great.
Author angel3 Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Look, your husband loves you, ok?So, what, because he did something 'dumb that doesn't really mean anything,' I should trust in that love and just take him back? Because he didn't mean it? It's not like, whoops, I forgot to pay the cable bill! I'm sorry honey, it was dumb, I didn't mean it, I love you! It's more like, whoops! I slipped and fell and put my penis in a prostitute! Oh, um, five prostitutes! Five different times! I'm sorry honey, it was dumb, I didn't mean it, I love you! I appreciate your opinion and am grateful for your reply and that you are trying to reassure me that he loves me. I really do. This is not a personal attack on you, my hostility is toward my H. So, yeah, you are surprised and shocked, but in the long run I think you will find that things will work out just great.Yes, I am surprised, shocked, confused ... all of those things. But also betrayed: lied to, cheated on. And hurt: devastated, heartbroken, disappointed. Don't forget Angry. Or Embarrassed. Those are a lot of powerful emotions. I'm not just confused about it happening in the first place, nor about the level of truth in his love, but also, about what I want to do about it. It's nice to hear that he loves me. I am searching for just that - to see if that love is real. Because from where I sit, that love for me isn't feeling so great right about now. Honestly, thank you for your optimism, saying that 'things will work out just great.' What we had was great. What we may have, if I decide he still deserves me, if a future is even possible, will never, ever be that great again. It is and will forever be tarnished by lies, infidelity, and pain. It's purity and innocence is gone. Worth repairing, I hope so. Healthy and happy? I hope so too, but don't know yet. Great? How can it be? With your optimism, I wonder, does your wife know about your A? Was your A a one time thing? What would happen if your W found out (if she doesn't know yet?) I'm sure you must look at your M through different eyes now, it sounds like you have a new appreciation for your wife and you sound very happy; for that, I am glad for you. But the thing is, after an infidelity, the betrayed spouse sees the M differently too, only the view from here isn't better, it's the worst it could ever be. And as for guys doing dumb things that really don't mean that much to them - well then, if it doesn't mean that much, it shouldn't have happened in the first place, but it did, and can't be taken back. And it may not mean anything to 'him,' but I can promise you it means EVERYTHING to the betrayed spouse. If I had a fling or even just a one night stand with another man while my H was off serving in Iraq, I don't expect the reasoning of 'it was dumb and didn't mean anything' would have gone down very well with the shoe on the other foot, either. The reason I am searching for truth in his love for me is to understand if this is a rare, one-off, horrible situation where the love for me is real, so that I may - and I mean MAY, just begin to maybe, even possibly, consider that I might think about considering - a second chance. To decide if it's even worth it. To figure out if his love for me is pure and real and worth a second chance. To try and understand how much truth there is in his remorse. You know that famous saying, 'Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me,' well, before I can even decide if I stay, I need to work out if the risk is worth it. I have to deal with doubt and trust, because I will not take a chance without first assessing the risk, at least as best as I can - does anyone, ever? I HAVE to look out for myself now, and make damn certain that I feel confident I am not giving him a 'second chance' only to turn around and 'hurt me twice.' Wouldn't that just be 'Shame on me?'
Author angel3 Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Wow - anyone else think I'm moving into the 'angry' phase? Please know I am not lashing out at friends offering support here, if I seem pissy, I apologize. I assure you my hostility is towards my H, not at those offering words meant to comfort, sincerely. What a crazy roller coaster ride this is turning out to be.
child_of_isis Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Good about the angry phase, that is my whole point in being the hardass. When entering the angry phase, you came out of the fog. Your mind becomes sharper. You can actually remember to feed the dog. Being in the shock and numb phase is dangerous. Even more so if you have children. Hell, you stick things in the oven and don't even realize that you are cooking until 3 hours later when the house is full of smoke. Plus, it helps you to move on.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 COI, I disagree that it completely helps, as it is cyclical. Round and round, up and down, forever and ever, amen. Anger today, saddness tomorrow, acceptance the next day, remorse, blame, bargaining, anger, saddenss... Its the MerryGoRound that never stops. STOP THE WORLD... As in any grief process there isn't a set agenda or time limit for the stages but you can bet the ugly ones will raise their heads time and time again.
Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 You know that famous saying, 'Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me,' well, before I can even decide if I stay, I need to work out if the risk is worth it. Ah Angel, I know that quote well. It has been a constant companion now since dday. You are right in what you said. Even if you stay with him, the innocence and the shine on your marriage is gone, forever. It can't come back. When my H heard me say that he broke down sobbing. He was crushed. That is one of the ways I realized how much he still loved me and how badly he felt about what he had done. You have a right to grieve over the loss of your marriage as it was. Do know however, that you can build a new one. If you stay married you will be building a new relationship. Hopefully it is stronger than before and will have a new shine. It is like starting over, heck you can even renew your vows as a symbol of starting over. We are thinking about doing that once we are more fully prepared.
jmargel Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Remember you are in the five stages of grief and the thing is you will jump around on those stages and revisit them alot. My previous post, it was not my intention for you to think that because you were sick and didn't give him sex that it was the reason he strayed. What he went through with you was not emotional/physical neglect (from your side of things). What I was trying to point out in my post that men who get neglected sexually/emotionally will find it elsewhere (even though that is not the right thing to do). Men equate sex with their spouse as a bonding experience. However like I said your situation is different. I won't guess on why he did it, no one can on here that's why there are alot of answers yet to be figured out. Only a counselor will be able to get to the bottom of this. However IMO cheating/affairs is like hitting the bottom in terms of a marriage. It's hard for me to believe a marriage is on a good track when a marriage just derails like that. Look back in your marriage and you will probably see warning signs. IMO what he did was a very selfish, immature and disrespectful thing to you.
Author angel3 Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 This thread is becoming a bit, erm, long LOL - started fresh now that he is home - here. I am so grateful for the support and friendship here - thank you all so very much!
Melissa277 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I have followed most of this..maybe not enough detail. It's a long thread...esp. being only two days old LOL!!! Look, your husband obviously loves you, okay? Sometimes guys do dumb things that really don't mean much to them... I recently cheated on my wife...was with a close acquaintance who I thought would be just incredible...WOW...was I wrong!!! This girl wasn't 1/3 of the woman that my wife is. I mean, she was young, friendly, etc., but in bed...a joke LOL!!! I now realize that my wife is the best thing I'll ever have...Can't even imagine how it could be better!!! So, yeah, you are surprised and shocked, but in the long run I think you will find that things will work out just great. So if the OW had been better in bed what would have happened? Things worked out for you because you were the cheater. You have no idea what the "cheated on" go through so for you to say that you think things will work out just great doesn't mean much. I take it your W doesn't know. I doubt you'd be so chipper if she did and if she does know, you're a lucky, lucky man. Just my opinion though.
JoyH Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 No, you are not overreacting. This is a severe emotional trauma. The fact that you could even keep your words straight is amazing. Please don't blame yourself. This most likely had NOTHING to do with your illness. It's a problem HE has. Please seek professional help. A counselor certified in marriage counseling with experience with infidelity. Affairs and infidelity happen even in the best of marriages. It's a shock for anyone. No one marries the one they love and put their trust and life in their hands expects this to ever happen. It will take time, and lots of work from both of you to rebuild from this betrayal of trust. No quick fix. It takes time to rebuild trust. Your H needs to go for STD testing. Even if he claims to have used condoms. They are NOT 100% effective. He was dealing with high risk women. Your husband needs to work on dealing with sexual temptations and building stronger boundaries for himself. He might be struggling with a sexual addiction problem, something which he might have kept from you for years. A counselor with experience with this might be helpful for individual counseling for him, along with joint session with a MC. A good book: "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass. Take care of yourself, this is a very stressful time emotionally and physically. (((( HUGS )))) Joy
allthings2everyone Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 So if the OW had been better in bed what would have happened? Things worked out for you because you were the cheater. You have no idea what the "cheated on" go through so for you to say that you think things will work out just great doesn't mean much. I take it your W doesn't know. I doubt you'd be so chipper if she did and if she does know, you're a lucky, lucky man. Just my opinion though. You are right. My W doesn't know and will hopefully never know...nothing can be gained by her knowing. Yes, I am a lucky man...more than you could know. If the OW had been better...honestly I'm not sure if there could be any better than my wife and I wish I hadn't gone looking. But I did, and at least answered a burning question in my mind. Selfish? Yeah. My whole take-away from this...guys - nothing beats the experience and confidence of a sexy woman in her 40's LOL!!!
Melissa277 Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 You are right. My W doesn't know and will hopefully never know...nothing can be gained by her knowing. Yes, I am a lucky man...more than you could know. If the OW had been better...honestly I'm not sure if there could be any better than my wife and I wish I hadn't gone looking. But I did, and at least answered a burning question in my mind. Selfish? Yeah. My whole take-away from this...guys - nothing beats the experience and confidence of a sexy woman in her 40's LOL!!! Glad to hear that your so happy and I don't want to rain on your parade allthings but ... You had better hope your W doesn't find out, but unless you kill the OW and everyone she told ... she probably will. Better get your story ready ... you know about how you love your wife so much but "just made a mistake." You had also better pray that you didn't give your W an STD. If the OW hopped in the sack with you, how many other guys do you think she's hopped in the sack with? So saying there's nothing to be gained by W's knowledge may backfire. Ever think that your W went looking too? You know, just to answer that ole' burning question????? I mean, you got away with one, right? Just some food for thought ... but don't let it ruin your day. Melissa
allthings2everyone Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 No parade. Just an honest assessment of how I feel. That's all.
Melissa277 Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 No parade. Just an honest assessment of how I feel. That's all. Seriously, I wasn't trying to bust your chops allthings. I just hate to hear of someone being in a marriage when they don't have all the facts ... like your wife is. There's just too much hurt and pain when the beans get spilled as evidenced by the posts on this board. But I do hope it works out for you. Peace?
Jasmine8719 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 i've been trying to think of things to say that could possibly make you feel better but i cant manage to come up with the perfect solution....Its interesting that i came across your post i was thinking what if the exact senario happens to me in the future...and i thought about it and the first thing that i said was that i would just leave him..like you said you dont tolerate infidelity...and same here...but then i thought about it and its such a hard decision...you love this man...you been with him for years been through everything with eachother...so how could you would just up and leave?..you could'nt...so what do u do??...I think as of right now just take care of your self being in the condition you're in...when he gets back i would'nt yell and scream and fight and fuss with him about it (you dont seem like that type of person). but if you do decide to stay with him...i think the best thing to do is start from scratch re-build your relationship and its going to take a while for you to trust him of course but I honestly think both of you will make it just fine...it sounds like you two were/are so much in love with eachother and come from a good strong relationship.You seem really smart and able to work things out...and your right its really helpful to talk about.
Jasmine8719 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 i've been trying to think of things to say that could possibly make you feel better but i cant manage to come up with the perfect solution....Its interesting that i came across your post i was thinking what if the exact senario happens to me in the future...and i thought about it and the first thing that i said was that i would just leave him..like you said you dont tolerate infidelity...and same here...but then i thought about it and its such a hard decision...you love this man...you been with him for years been through everything with eachother...so how could you would just up and leave?..you could'nt...so what do u do??...I think as of right now just take care of your self being in the condition you're in...when he gets back i would'nt yell and scream and fight and fuss with him about it (you dont seem like that type of person). but if you do decide to stay with him...i think the best thing to do is start from scratch re-build your relationship and its going to take a while for you to trust him of course but I honestly think both of you will make it just fine...it sounds like you two were/are so much in love with eachother and come from a good strong relationship.You seem really smart and able to work things out...and your right its really helpful to talk about. Good Luck!
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