Heartbroken - I just found out tonight

[angel3]

This is so hard. So painful. I know that just states the obvious, but ... wow.

 

I appreciate the honesty and variety of opinions. I'm so truly and honestly trying to understand ... the whys, the hows ...

 

Even when I try so very hard to keep an open mind, and to understand what has happened to this man I love so dearly ... I am so damn mad. I'm not only hurting, I'm downright pissed off mad! Does this mean I'm moving from disbelief into anger?

 

It's still wrong. Right? No matter the reason? He shouldn't have done this to me. I am a good woman, a good wife and mother. And optimistic fighter through my illness. He just - he shouldn't have done this. Illness or not, stress or not. I didn't. I know if it was the other way around, I wouldn't.

 

I'm dying to believe that he truly loves me. I *want* to believe this was ... fill in the blank: weakness due to physical 'needs' and 'stress.' But now I find myself feeling mad when I consider it. I too have these needs, this stress. Ugh! This is so @#$%#$% and unfair!!!!!!!!

 

I need to talk this through. There must be some sense in this somewhere. These ten years can not have been in vain?

[angel3]

If it's any comfort at all, I doubt he was having a jolly ole time with the escorts...I suspect it was a bit empty, like binge eating to satisfy an emotional need. The mindless trance takes over while you're stuffing your face, but it doesn't feed the real hunger inside. It's you he wants and it's you he's missing and it's sex with you he'd rather have.

 

You're an amazing lady. There is a lot more hard work ahead for you and your husband. I believe the hard work will be worth it in the end.

 

I grab and cling to these words and I hope like hell you are right. Oh my God, I hope you are right.

 

I can't yet face the image in my mind of him ... there ... and I have this sick want to know the details. Then I don't, then I do. I feel like I have to face it. for ... understanding? Knowing? Possible ... ugh, healing? If I can? Don't I have to face the reality?

 

Thank you for thinking I am 'amazing.' I don't feel very amazing right now. That you think we could do it? That it would be worth it? I do hope you are right, by God, I hope it with all of me.

 

But then, I think - should I want that? I ... I still don't know ... would I not be disrespecting myself if I stay? Does he deserve another chance? Will he change his ways - do they ever? Or - as someone said - will it continue and he'd just hide the paper trail better?

 

Ugh. sorry for the mad-woman ranting.

[norajane]

Of course it's wrong! And of course you're angry! And of course he shouldn't have done this!

 

And no, these ten years have not been in vain.

 

Your husband isn't as strong as you might be if the situation were reversed. He probably thought he was stronger than this, too.

[norajane]

I grab and cling to these words and I hope like hell you are right. Oh my God, I hope you are right.

 

I can't yet face the image in my mind of him ... there ... and I have this sick want to know the details. Then I don't, then I do. I feel like I have to face it. for ... understanding? Knowing? Possible ... ugh, healing? If I can? Don't I have to face the reality?

 

Thank you for thinking I am 'amazing.' I don't feel very amazing right now. That you think we could do it? That it would be worth it? I do hope you are right, by God, I hope it with all of me.

 

But then, I think - should I want that? I ... I still don't know ... would I not be disrespecting myself if I stay? Does he deserve another chance? Will he change his ways - do they ever? Or - as someone said - will it continue and he'd just hide the paper trail better?

 

Ugh. sorry for the mad-woman ranting.

 

If you aren't sure you want to know the details, hold off on asking for them. Don't ask until you're sure you want to know. No, you don't have to know every little thing in order to deal with it. Those details aren't really the important part, are they?

 

You also don't have to make any decisions immediately. You can take all the time you need to decide what you want, whether it's worth it to stay. You can change your mind as many times as you need to.

 

I'm not usually one to give cheaters much slack. If I really believed your husband fit the mold of most cheating men, I'd tell you and I'd tell you to dump his ass as fast as you could get to a lawyer. I just don't see it that way here. I know the last thing you have the energy for is to try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but please, do not discount the mental and emotional anguish that people with ill spouses go through on a daily basis. They themselves may not be sick, but they aren't 100% well either - they don't necessarily make clear-headed, rational decisions. Again, not an excuse at all for what he did.

 

As for whether it continues, demand complete transparency for as long as you need it. He can't completely hide a paper trail - money has to come from somewhere, whether it be from the ATM or credit cards or checks. In any case, please suggest he start seeing a counselor.

 

And yes, I think you can work through this and come out stronger. I've seen it happen.

[4whatItsWorth]

Most men will never be satisfied with one woman. Eight years, to me, is amazing restraint!

 

If 8 yrs is an acheivement for a man, then I can do fine without one such. 8 years is nothing in a faithful, loving person's heart. Why settle for a man who will never find one woman is enough? Only a man could come up with such a response.

 

I agree it is "good news" it was escort and not "love affair". however, he's wasted money when you were tight on it needing for operation. I don't think you're gonna leave him, but I think you should if he does it again...if there is not enough trust for open communications - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[allina]

I carefully read your entire post but only skimmed the replies so I apologize if I'm being repetitive.

 

First I want to tell you that I feel for you for being in so much pain, my heart goes out to you. Also i want to ask if it has been confirmed that he has had sexual intercourse with the escorts or was it more for company. Some men actually do see escorts for companionship.

 

Either way I hope you can come to understand that what he did was awful but probably done impulsively to fulfill some sort of need that had nothing to do with you and was in no way your fault.

 

Though I don't condone cheating I do believe that you are his world and that he loves you and that you should let him fix it. It will be a large hurtle to over come but from your post I get the sense that you can survive this.

 

For the time being please take care of yourself, hang around LS a bit, take many deep breathes and keep telling yourself that somehow you will make it through this.

[angel3]

Please may I ask, because I'm trying to understand my own feelings on all of this still - did you hear something in my posts that led you to your statement - about how you don't think I'm going to leave him? Am I sounding like I've leaned toward this? I'm wondering if I'm subconsciously saying something that you can hear but I'm not aware of. If I am seeming to be leaning toward considering a second chance option - and please, I would appreciate honest (but please also respectful) opinions as to whether I appear to be using sound judgment in my words?

 

God I hope so. I don't feel like I know which way is up right now.

 

Allina - first, thank you for your kind, supportive words. You have no idea how much kindness means to me right now. I'm so ... insecure, right now. Really, thanks.

 

Also, as far as the escorts - I am pretty sure, from his way of putting it when we had our confrontation. He repeated escorts two or three times, and when I was in those first few stunned seconds of silence and stuttering - he nervously clarified (I presume he thought I sounded confused? *rolls eyes*) - 'Hookers, honey. Sorry. You know, escorts.' Yeah, right, thanks for that, HONEY. Right? So ... and then there's the wording in his apologies - not exactly implying companionship. I appreciate the possibility, though. Never imagined EVER saying this - but, wow, um - I wish, you know? Hell.

 

I'm so, so very tired. Thanks for not letting me feel alone.

 

(had to say - I've just been away from the screen for a few minutes, then come back and reread my post - I cannot believe how calm and rationally I'm speaking of such things ... I'm still stuck between disbelief and anger, back and forth. Two days ago ... I don't know if would have believed it.)

[shadowofman]

Oh - SOM - no, I would NOT have approved of him finding relief elsewhere if he had 'just asked' - because that is not how our relationship has ever worked, it's not how we're built. If others are, than fair play to them - but for us, we had an understanding on this subject, and he betrayed me.

I would normally stick up for the promiscuous male while condemning lying (cheating) as the only moral infraction. It's an awkward position to take most of the time and I get a lot of hell for it. Monogamous relationships are contracts like you described. Some people don't fully define the contracts before the relationship gets serious, but it sounds like you did. Sometimes promiscuous men think that they could be monogamous in the "romantic love" phase of the relationship (like I once thought). "I've found the one. The one that I could be totally committed to for the rest of my life." This "romantic love" phase is so intoxicating, but it doesn't last forever. The promiscuous man will inevitably fall back into the same thought patterns that he has developed during puberty. The fact that your H chose this particular time to breech that understanding is completely assholish. It definately deserves a stay in the dog house. As far as the future, I would allow him the opportunity to redraft the contract. If he can't commit to a monogamous relationship a second time, either accept him as a promiscuous man, or tell him that he can go find a woman that will allow him to be a promiscuous man. Make him tell you the truth about his sexual needs. I wouldn't just let him claim that he can be faithful. He has already shown that he can't consciencely or subconsciencely (whichever). Unless your prepared to constantly snoop, spy, and scold like you think your kids are doing drugs (that's what my wife does - she knows I haven't cheated but that I want to really bad), he needs to admit his nature.

[child_of_isis]

Sorry. My post was not really directed at you, but the populace in general. I am just always reading about why men do what they do....well, it is lack of adequate sex of course. To me, that implies that biology overides conscious thought and decision. This reduces men to nothing but urges of the penis. When one says "lack of sex", then that puts the responsibility on the W, be it intentional or not.

 

Plain ole sex, is just about release. H could have easily ordered a movie and gave himself a nice long hand job and enjoyed the same release. Hookers are about control and ownership and having sex with someone new. Pay for a hooker for an hour and she is pretty much yours to do with as you please, within reason.

 

I have ran across the term 'fog of an affair', but I am noticing something else. I call it "the fog of a marriage". It consists of a W living in someone else's reality. This reality is H's and the populace that defines her role. If W deviates from that role in any shape or form, such as illness, lack of sex, etc. then the responsibility of the wandering H, or the H making bad decisions becomes hers....meaning, if H never strays or makes bad decsions...then job well done.

 

Personally, I don't think the M is over either. At this point, it is easier to slip back into the FOM. The OP has the populace's reality of "thank your lucky stars it was a hooker and not an affair...now get to f*cking and feeling better and all will be right". (this concept will overide her own reality of "he cheated and lied to me')

 

And things will be right.....for a while. Her being a sexual machine and taking care of his "release" will pay off for some time.... but eventually the "someone new" will rear it's ugly head and she will be back to step one.

 

No whether one wants to admit it or not, these are the cold hard facts of life. This is reality.

 

Did you read the rest of what I wrote? I never said anything about men needing more sex than women. Nor did I say it was her fault. It's his fault. But I don't believe he's a cake eating cheater. I don't believe the life he has created with his wife is meaningless to him or has been built on a a tissue of selfish lies. I believe he wasn't strong enough to hold up under the pressure. I believe he needs some therapy to deal with his life under the circumstances.

 

IfWishes...I have a very good friend with MS...

[jmargel]

Sorry. My post was not really directed at you, but the populace in general. I am just always reading about why men do what they do....well, it is lack of adequate sex of course. To me, that implies that biology overides conscious thought and decision. This reduces men to nothing but urges of the penis. When one says "lack of sex", then that puts the responsibility on the W, be it intentional or not.

 

Plain ole sex, is just about release. H could have easily ordered a movie and gave himself a nice long hand job and enjoyed the same release. Hookers are about control and ownership and having sex with someone new. Pay for a hooker for an hour and she is pretty much yours to do with as you please, within reason.

 

I won't hijack angel's thread but I must say this is furthest from the truth. You have stereotyped men just like millions of other women have. Myself and many other men can attest to the fact that us having sex with our spouse is a form of feeling love. We just don't want words, we want substance behind those words and like it or not us having sex with our spouse is a need, not just some act that you believe we do to get off. We are not that simple minded and really starting to take offense to the opinions of women who think we only do it for our own mere physical satisifaction.

 

You could tell me a million times over how much you love me but when there is nothing behind it as in actions, then those words become meaningless. Just by marrying me is not enough to keep me. It is the REASONS why you married me. Funny how when women talk about their husbands and sex, they call it 'sex', when it should really be called 'making love'. However alot of women have convinced themselves that us men are like dogs in heat and only do it for one reason.

 

Now this is not a reason to cheat but IMO if sex is a major issue and the wife does not want to resolve it, then it is upto the man to decide if he wants to feel this way about his marriage, his love, his needs for the rest of his life or to find a woman that is more compatitible and willingless to put forth the effort emotionally, physically and mentally. Women who don't get sex from their husbands often feel the same way, unloved.

 

Angel you will be on a roller coaster of emotions, from someone who's been cheated on twice by my ex-fiancee then another (my wife). It's been two years for me and the issue still comes up and when she shows her frustration because it's being talked about yet again, I say 'deal with it'. She put us into this predictiment and honestly there still is resentment. The worst part about it, is this resentment is stopping me from loving her the way I should in terms that a husband/wife should love each other 110%. The trust is still not there and though the thought of revenge could be done very easily I have not gone that route. I don't want to experience that hollow feeling that I hope she feels.

 

The five stages you will go through is because the person you thought he was, died when he started cheating on you. He was keeping you in a marriage with deceit. Thing is you don't need to make a decision on what you want to do tomorrow or next week. Let it up in the air and let him know that. IMO it would be best to just tell him 'I am not sure what I want to do in this marriage and I need time to think' this will really make him nervous because then he knows that he's not going to get an easy way out of this.

 

There is also three sides to every story: yours, his and the truth. No one is perfect in any marriage and though there is NO excuse for cheating maybe you can take this time to also reflect on yourself and what needs you haven't met. I'm not saying you are to blame for this, what I am trying to say is take this upsetment and try to turn it into something positive.

[Lynna]

Angel, all the doubt and questioning, and anger you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. And unfortunately it is going to last for quite awhile. What he has done to you is flat out selfish. At that point he was only thinking of his own needs and not yours. He betrayed his vows to you. You have every right to feel everything you are feeling right now.

 

As for the details, as another poster recommended, yes, you will probabaly want to know some, but you may not want to know all. Defintely give yourself time to decide before you push for too many details.

 

Whether to stay with your H or not, that decision is going to take some time. You will need some time to deal with everything you are feeling and going through right now. You should tell him this. Let him know that you are seriously considering a D. I suspect you will also know more personally when you see him face to face. When my husband was gone as I was finding out I was completely ready to dump him. I had his bags packed and ready in his car. I was not even going to let him in the house. But as soon as I saw him I thawed a little on that. However each person is different. We can all tell you our own experiences and our own opinions, but yours may end up differently. Ultimately only you can decide so give yourself time to think about what you can stand for the rest of your life. Can you stand not being with him? Or can you stand rebuilding a new marriage with him, one that may still have lingering doubt, anger, hurt, etc. for a long time?

 

The advice that he have individual counseling is very good. My H realized he needed it as well and voluntarily called to make an appointment. That was one of the reasons I stayed with him. I will also be going to counseling to deal with all my contiuing feelings about the A and we will be going to joint counseling as well. That may also help you make a decision.

 

You asked whether your posts seem to indicate that you are wanting to stay with him. I think your posts indicate how deeply in love you are with him. How much you hate what he has done to you because of how much you love him. Love is certainly the thing that will keep you together if anything is. Whether it is strong enough to override the horrors you are now experiencing is something to yet be seen. I don't think you know the answer yet, and you may not for awhile. That is okay. You certainly don't want to rush into a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Hang in there, keep posting on LS! Keep venting, talking about it and how you feel will also help you make decisions.

[child_of_isis]

Thank you for man's POV. It really helps in understanding such things.

 

So...evidently these hookers are more compatible to H. I think the OP said 5 so far?

 

Sad stuff.

 

 

 

Now this is not a reason to cheat but IMO if sex is a major issue and the wife does not want to resolve it, then it is upto the man to decide if he wants to feel this way about his marriage, his love, his needs for the rest of his life or to find a woman that is more compatitible and willingless to put forth the effort emotionally, physically and mentally. .

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I want to preface my post by saying that I'm just a few days ahead of you angel in the same type of crisis. Every word you've typed has come out of my mouth and is whirling around in my head nonstop. I want to comment on this:

 

 

So...evidently these hookers are more compatible to H. I think the OP said 5 so far?

 

Sad stuff.

Yes, ofcourse it's sad stuff. You want to know what else is sad. It is sad that I can't even play with my children right now much less have a normal conversation, its sad that I have broken promises to them because I can't even face another human being right now and it's sad that from the hours of 3 to 10 or so I can consume an entire 5th of alcohol and be stoned cold sober. I have a minor in psych and tons of experience in substance abuse but I don't know how to handle this. I KNOW its wrong, I KNOW it can't help, Its all I can think of to distract myself. My children can saw me walk in the door with 2 cases of 5ths of liquor. I have never bought a case of liquor in my life, I love them, I know this is wrong but its the only relief I can find. Its sad stuff, but I'm just trying to get the words How could y ou, what did I do, I begged you promised you would never again, ect... ect... ect... over and over, just make them stop!!!!!

 

I feel powerless over my situation so I guess I'm looking for something I have control over even though I know the harm and selfdistruction in it. I wonder if that's were your husband got when he watched you suffer and couldn't help you. I just wonder if the two selfdistructive, hurtful ways of coping share any common ground?

[angel3]

First - I have to say this - being here, this forum (this board) - talking with all of you - I am so grateful. It IS helping me, very much. Hearing differing POV's is helping me. I am very grateful and relieved to have a place to come, to talk and feel truly heard, to be having very serious and honest discussions about the topic of infidelity, and to be receiving such well intended, thoughtful advice and support for my personal situation. I CANNOT imagine going through this without your help now. I don't know where I'd have been right now, had I not found this place, and if it weren't for the feeling of support, understanding, a safe place - that you have all given to me here. Thank you so very, very much. Everyone seems genuinely interested and I appreciate the level of maturity and respect despite differing POV's. I'm lucky to be here - hah! Wait! Well, not lucky to be here really - but I think you know what I mean - lucky to have new friends to help me through this. I only hope I can return the favor and be supportive to you all when I get ahold of my life and emotions. I'm sorry I am so self-focused and not really posting elsewhere at the moment.

 

jmargel - Can I please draw us back to a major point in this unique situation again - since all situations are different and unique- and I am not wanting to 'whine' about it, but it is a very important and relevant fact.

 

I am not 'denying' the physical (vs the emotional) side of our relationship: this has been a temporary problem due to major illness + 5 neurosurgeries in less than 6 months. Not feeling sorry for myself, just stating fact - the recent lack of physical intimacy has been directly because I am not well. It has not always been this way, nor will it ( would it ) always be (have been) this way. We normally had a very happy and healthy sex life. And even over the past few months, on the rare occasion when I was not too very unwell, we have had other physical ways of me 'satisfying his needs,' because I love him so deeply and completely, and wanted to stay as totally connected to him as possible under the circumstances.. Normally, I too have these same physical needs - but because I am so seriously sick, yes, my libido has temporarily taken a hit. We are not talking about years of neglect here. And when I would satisfy his needs on these occasions when I've been sick,I would not have anything for myself in return. I did this happily and willingly, perfectly content to cuddle instead of having any satisfactions for myself - I accepted that this temporary setback sucks for me, and to help him physically when I could because it sucks for him too - and was trying to just deal with it the best I could until I get better -and things could go back to 'normal.' I feel I was very selfless in this way, making direct and positive efforts to maintain the health of my marriage. I was NEVER a frigid or withholding wife - NEVER - and we would still hold hands, cuddle, and remain emotionally open to each other - and talk about and look forward to things improving soon in our physical relationship. I think this is why I was originally so stunned by this.

 

And there are not three sides to this story - my version honestly IS the truth - he agrees fully with me on this fact. He thinks I am being very fair and honest in our conversations about how things are right now and have been. Of course there are two sides - his and mine - but I cannot accept that there is anything more I 'should have' done. Now, that isn't to say there isn't more I 'would have' done, if he had come to me. If he had come to me honestly, and said that he was afraid of straying because of the lack of intercourse (as in, the other methods I was trying to help with were not enough) - then I would have made love with him despite the pain, OF COURSE I would. HE is the one who said he didn't want to when I'm sick, would not pressure me to do so when I was hurting and he knew it would not be satisfying for me, and could hurt me. But for me - if it came down to that, vs straying from the marriage?!? I would have much rather have had the pain of intercourse while making love with my devoted husband, than the pain of his betrayal at an already painful time for me.

 

This is why I am having a hard time figuring out if it is really 'okay' for me to choose a second chance. Of course I still love him or I would be gone already without looking back. But because I love him, I am trying, trying so hard, to understand all of this, to find a way for it to be acceptable to give him a second chance. What he has done to me - not once, but five times - (while I have been so very ill, all the while trying my best to be the wonderful wife I always have been in as many ways as I could) - I think is very, very low. Unacceptable really. This is what I am trying to reconcile in my head and heart.

 

We DID have understandings, agreements in our marriage - this is my point. We helped in the writing of our vows. He says himself right now there there is no excuse for what he has done. So how can I expect him to respect me - how am I to keep my self respect - if I try a second chance?

 

I am not being bloody minded, honestly - I am trying so very hard to figure it all out. I am not trying to be argumentative here, either. I am trying with all that I am to make sure I am portraying our marriage and this situation and clearly and honestly as I can. I am a a very empathetic person, who always tries to see others' POV's and to understand what makes people tick. That is what I'm trying to do here - to understand my H, the man I though I knew better than I know myself. To find a way to feel ok about giving him a second chance. This didn't happen once on the 6 weeks he was away, but 5 times - the first, only two days after he got there, and the last time, right before he came home. Five different prostitutes - five chances to decide not to, to say no, to stop and say enough - but he even had to do it again one last time before coming home to me.

 

This is why I am having such a hard time accepting this. Monogamy is the only option for me - and he says for him, too. That is why we got married!!! We didn't have to, we chose to - HE chose to propose to me sooner than we had discussed - he couldn't wait to be married! Neither could I. We had the fairytale romance then. I feel devastated that this is what happened when our marriage was tested and I got sick. That is when you fall back on the strength of your vows to see you through. What if ... I dunno, I had been having chemo? I was (am) that sick. I can't name my disease here right now, but I need you to know, I am dealing with something serious. But we had hope - we had such strong hope for my impending improvement! A return to our, literally, perfect (as perfect as any two humans can be together, if you know what I mean?) marriage. The recent lack of intimacy is the only exception to an otherwise exemplary marriage and family. And it was due to serious illness, it was temporary, and I tried to remain physically connected, and we were emotionally connected.

 

Oh. I'm sorry that ended up so long again. I'm struggling so much with this. I am working hard to remain open, fair, as understanding as I can be - I have not raised my voice or sworn, berated or belittled - I am having fair conversations with him, trying to ask him questions to help myself deal with it, to understand or at least make some sense out of it. I am at the point beyond yelling and throwing his stuff out, I think - I'm at a more frightening place than that - I don't know how to explain how I feel properly. It's like I'm down to the bare bones of this marriage, my life, our family life - like there is no room for any games, no time to waste.

 

I do like the suggestion of leaving it open until I can decide. I have already told him that I cannot make a decision yet about divorce or a second chance, that I don't know if I can stay. I told him flat out that I don't know if I could keep my self-respect, or expect him to respect and honor me - if I take him back. So, he knows that I need more right now. More time, more answers. It sure as hell would be better if he was here, not still doing all of this over the phone where he has little to no privacy.

 

He says that he wishes the earth would swallow him whole - that he wishes he could go back and rewind time and un-do it all. That he was stupid and thoughtless and completely regrets his poor decisions, that he loves me implicitly and cannot live without me, that me and our children are his whole world. And I keep telling him that, if that is really true, then that is why I cannot understand him having been willing to take (and repeat 5 times) the risk to our marriage, our family. If he felt that bad - why again and again and again and again?

 

I am so, so tired.

[angel3]

well well well ... I've just received my first email from him since it started. Finally - I wondered why he wasn't ... trying harder? Eesh, I shouldn't have to tell him what to do to try! He said he was just trying to hurry up and get home to do this in person. He HAS managed to get some time off next week - so he'll get home late tomorrow (Weds) night, and has seven days off here before he has to leave again (now THAT will be ... very, very difficult.)

 

The email is a little long and sounds heartfelt. Would is be appropriate to post part (or all?) of it here? I am interested in your reactions, your interpretations and opinions - on his explanations, his (possible) honesty - etc.

 

I wouldn't normally share such a private letter - but considering the circumstances, I think 'normal' is out the window. Though I might 'normally' have felt uncomfortable sharing something so private, I don't really now, not when I need help and support; not given the level of anonymity here - it's not like I'm showing my mother or our IRL friends.

 

Please let me know what you think?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have mixed opinions on this. Coming to this forum for me has been a way of coping and expressing my thoughts without involving IRL friends and family, though some of them know my predicament I don't tend to hash it with them. So in that respect it is somewhat anonymous.

 

I also don't know that someone who doesn't know him would be capable of translating his words into intentions. How do you think he would feel about it and how do you feel about it? YOu deserve to have support, you have done nothing wrong, having to keep it in without sharing is incredibly unhealthy, having to deal iwth intense pain and being unable to use your regular support network feels like protecting an abuser. Maybe someone here can help you to make a decision you can be comfortable with.

 

I found a site for an ebook yesterday and mailed it to my H who keeps saying, I don't know what to do... its only like 13 bucks and I was going to download it for him but it states that its best actually if the BS doesn't read it, so I sent him the link.

 

It can be found at wwwdotaftertheaffairdotnet.

[angel3]

thanks for the link about the book - I'll definately be checking that out next. I just ordered a couple of books from Amazon last night - for next day delivery, I'm soo keen to get my hands on some helpful info. Not like I'm exactly getting any sleep anyway - may as well spend the time doing something more useful than sobbing over our wedding album.

 

You know, I suddenly find it amusing that I hesitate to 'share' his 'private' words to me (with people who are trying to help and support me through this situation that HE created) - when he has only just gone and 'shared' his most 'private' ... body parts with five different strangers. Bloody hell!

 

I know only I can truly 'translate' ... I guess I just want to hear what you all think of 'his side.' You know? In his own words.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You know, I suddenly find it amusing that I hesitate to 'share' his 'private' words to me (with people who are trying to help and support me through this situation that HE created) - when he has only just gone and 'shared' his most 'private' ... body parts with five different strangers. Bloody hell!

 

I know, I know, I know!!!!

[angel3]

IWWH,

I've thoroughly read that e-book website, and have already sent him the link. That was very kind and thoughtful - thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like EXACTLY what I think we need right now - when we speak on the phone, he is quiet a lot, and when I ask why, in a low voice keeps saying he doesn't know where to begin, what to do or say ... that he knows how shallow it all sounds. So, I hope this will help him to ... help me?

 

Did I just hear myself right?? I feel mad that I should have 'to help him' after how badly he has just hurt me. Like telling your child to say 'sorry' - if I have to tell you say it, is it sincere? KWIM? Is that strange?

 

I won't read the book for now either, after reading the explanation. How long has your H had his and do you see any significant impact yet?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

In writing, it seems all of a sudden funny that I AM SENDING STUFF TO YOU. You'ld think if you gave a damn you'ld be sending stuff to me.

 

After explaining the link this was how I closed the letter. You know there are things that he is good at and knows about but fixing what he broke in a R or learning about these things isn't. I never asked him if he downloaded it. I gave him a boost, that's all I can do.

[child_of_isis]

Congratulations. You have just taken the first step in assuming the responsibility of "fixing" your H. It is no longer his problem, it is yours.

 

You can bet that when he does it again, it will be your fault.

 

My XSO is trying to pull the same crap on me and I am not falling for it. It is the oldest trick in the book.

 

Like they say about an alcoholic...if he quits for you, when he drinks again, it will be because of you.

 

IWWH,

I've thoroughly read that e-book website, and have already sent him the link. That was very kind and thoughtful - thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like EXACTLY what I think we need right now - when we speak on the phone, he is quiet a lot, and when I ask why, in a low voice keeps saying he doesn't know where to begin, what to do or say ... that he knows how shallow it all sounds. So, I hope this will help him to ... help me?

 

Did I just hear myself right?? I feel mad that I should have 'to help him' after how badly he has just hurt me. Like telling your child to say 'sorry' - if I have to tell you say it, is it sincere? KWIM? Is that strange?

 

I won't read the book for now either, after reading the explanation. How long has your H had his and do you see any significant impact yet?

[norajane]

Did I just hear myself right?? I feel mad that I should have 'to help him' after how badly he has just hurt me. Like telling your child to say 'sorry' - if I have to tell you say it, is it sincere? KWIM? Is that strange?

 

If he was stupid enough to make this mess, what are the odds that he's smart enough to know how to ease your heartache?

 

Or, put another way, he doesn't know what you need from him in order for you to feel better. Spelling it out gives you a better chance of getting what you need from him.

 

Or, put another way - there's nothing wrong in demanding your due, and demanding that he do exactly what you need him to do FOR YOU.

[angel3]

Ouch - wow, that's not what I meant. I never told him what to do, or to say sorry.

 

He keeps saying sorry on his own. In fact I'm sick of hearing it.

 

What I meant by that comment - hearing him say to me 'I don't know what to say' pisses me off more than him trying to figure out how to talk to me on his own would.

 

The only reason I decided to send him the link (have you looked at it?) - NOT to 'fix' HIM - but, perhaps, because he is having a hard time knowing how to handle my upset and grief - he says that even to him, 'it meant nothing' sounds ridiculous, because of course it means everything to me.

 

He is trying, on the phone and in this email he just sent me, to communicate with me. To apologize in the best words, to not say the wrong thing.

 

I am not, can not, will not, help him to 'fix' this - he can't un-do it, and that is the only way to truly fix it. He doesn't know what to do - and being an empathetic person - at least I try to be - I don't know if I would, in his shoes. I'd feel pretty hopeless and wrecked, to be honest. And desperate. NOT THAT I WOULD OR EVER COULD be in his shoes, I couldn't cheat ... but trying to imagine, even for just a moment, having hurt him this badly, imagining I'd caused this degree of pain to the one I love most - leaves me at a loss for words.

 

Please let me clarify - he hasn't gotten home from work yet since this happened. I am waiting for him to get here, to talk - to see his face, to listen - before I decide anything (about deciding anything!) Our marriage deserves at least that, even if HE doesn't deserve anything right now.

 

As I've already posted, I have serious doubts about maintaining my self respect - and about him respecting me - if I even offer him a second chance. Not to mention, whether or not I will ever be able to respect him again.

 

Especially as we have two very young children together, I have to talk with him. Think about things ... a LOT of things - before I can make a decision either way. Even if it sounds to you like I will be going for a second chance - it doesn't feel like that to me right now. Not at all. I'm still going back and forth between disbelief, grief and anger.

 

And by the way - the book literally just handed to me at my front door that I ordered for ME -

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay (helping you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship)

 

It isn't the only one - two others directly related to affairs are on their way.

 

The only thing I have attempted to 'help' him do is to get his inarticulate man-tongue to stop whimpering and start talking.

 

What I meant in that post is - because I am so hurt and angry right now, even that small gesture of 'help' kind of pisses me off.

 

And don't think I won't be reading that book too at some point - he can't just hand me a script he learned elsewhere and use is like a ticket to stay. I'm more deep than that. Words are, after all, just words.

 

(no offense to all the men out there with articulate tongues - I know it is a generalization but words do seem to be easier, in general, for women)

[angel3]

Congratulations. You have just taken the first step in assuming the responsibility of "fixing" your H. It is no longer his problem, it is yours.

 

You can bet that when he does it again, it will be your fault.

 

....

 

Like they say about an alcoholic...if he quits for you, when he drinks again, it will be because of you.

 

I'm actually quite taken aback and hurt by these comments.

 

Congratulations. Is this level of sarcasm necessary toward a woman whose heart has only just been broken? I am greiving like ... I feel like somebody frigging DIED. I haven't stopped crying since - I don't know. At all.

 

I've made this my problem? If he does it again, it's my fault? If it happens again, it's because of me?

 

This is all assuming that I don't want a divorce - a decision I am not even nearly ready to make ....

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay (helping you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship)

 

Good book, bad time to read it in my opinion. It is actually the first book I read 2 years ago. Reading it in crisis might not be great unless you entend to read it again. Its alot like a work book. GREAT READ though.

 

Angel, I don't know if you have had experiece with the death of a close loved one, but you are told not to make any life altering decisions for quite sometime. This "crisis" is not that different, accept that there isn't a line of support, love and casseroles at your door.

 

You should hold yourself to the fact that you will not make ANY decision for sometime. You can see how your emotions don't even make sense to you right now and you want to make the best decision as there are others that will have to live iwth it. Give yourself time.