I am in love with someone I can't be in love with

July 2, 2007

I'm in love with my boyfriend's best friend. I passed it off as a silly little crush on an older guy, but now it's more than that. I've been trying to ignore these feelings. I tried to avoid him, but he's hung out with my boyfriend and I twice in the last two weeks and ended up sleeping over on my boyfriend's couch both times. Last night a bunch of us were in the living room talking into the wee hours and I feel asleep on the floor beside the couch he was laying on. I just want to be near him and fall asleep near him. AND THAT IS NOT RIGHT. We really hit it off. We talk a lot, we laugh a lot, we enjoy eachother's company. I'm drawn to him and it's really hard to stop myself from going over and talking to him. He's exactly the guy I always wanted to end up with. He's successful, intelligent, caring, handsome, healthy, and shares a lot of the same values as I do. The only thing is he's 10 years older than me and my boyfriend's FRIEND.

I'm not sure what this guy thinks of me. I know he likes me, but I'm not sure in what way he likes me. I don't know if he can tell I like him. Last night there was a pretty girl flirting with him and it actually made me hurt inside. I don't even care that much when girls flirt with my boyfriend.

In my almost drunk state, we ended up having a discussion about my relationship with my boyfriend. The first time I've ever seem him angry was during this conversation. He said, "THEN GET OUT. IF YOU'RE NOT FULLY INVESTED IN THIS, GET OUT." Ouch. He has a point. I don't know if he was actually made at me because he didn't want me to hurt his friend (my boyfriend) or if he was frustrated because he likes me and knows i like him, but i won't do anything about it. All I know is I quickly left that conversation.

This morning we were the only ones awake and I had a chance to talk to him. Our conversation just flowed really naturally and I could have sat on that couch forever. But too bad it only lasted 20 minutes before his friend picked him up.

This isn't a crush I have because I'm unhappy in my relationship. I am happy in my relationship with my boyfriend, it's just this guy has is amazing. What if it's meant to be? He has been single for the past 5 years because he hasn't found anyone he really likes. What if we were meant to meet and get married and have babies? How will I know? What do I do?

Maybe I should avoid him for the rest of my life, but the thought of never seeing him again makes me really sad.

July 2, 2007

i was considering talking to the guy and saying, "i think i have a crush on you and because of this, don't think i should be around when you want to hang out with my boyfriend."

would the be weird to say it? i kind of want him to know, but maybe it's best not to so he doesn't feel awkward.

July 2, 2007

If you tell this guy(your bfs friend) about your feelings for him, things could or in fact, WILL, get back to your bf.

You must realize that if you are in fact, honest, about your feelings for this guy, you could lose both your bf and this guy. Also, do you really want to come between your bf and his friend? Do you honestly think things will work out in your favor? There might be a slight chance it will, but there will be consequences. You could ruin a friendship that was there long before you were in the picture.

Before you make any big decisions, you really need to think this through. But bottom line is, if you aren't happy currently with your bf, you need to break up with him. It's only fair to him. Don't expect to get into something with his friend. You can't expect anything like that to happen. Because, chances are that his friend is loyal enough NOT to date his buddies' ex (which is you).

Honestly, it sounds to me like you are staying with your bf because things are comfortable. But, secretly you crave the newness and excitement of a new relationship. I think everyone goes through that at one point or another. It's what you choose to do is what makes the difference. But when you make a big decision like that, you may end up regretting it and wishing you could just go back. Sad thing, is you can't.

I know you cannot control your feelings for another person. But, you can control your actions and what you choose to do about the situation. Maybe it would be best to just let it go. Avoid his friend if all possible. Avoid those talks. etc. You are reading way too far into this for someone who already is in a relationship. If the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen down the road and under different circumstances.

But you need to make a decision and then go with it. But, don't just break up with your bf, expecting to leap into someone else's arms.(mainly his friends) Make your choice based on deep down how you feel. Prepare to be alone for awhile if you choose to end things and really think about if your ok with that.

July 2, 2007

Believe it or not I was in this situation at one point. I announced my feelings to my boyfriend at the time and his friend, the friend turned me down, and my boyfriend was resentful but stayed with me for a long time after that. I believe that is what eventually led to the ruin of the relationship, so I don't think thats what you should do. Even if you go out with the friend, it will mess things up for everyone.

When I look back on the situation, if I could do it all over again I would have just ignored it and waited for it to go away, because it did anyway not long after that. You can just make excuses or not be there when they hang out as much, I don't think making an announcement will make things better for anyone. I have just been there and I wouldn't risk a relationship you said youre happy in for something thats pretty much doomed right now. Things change anyway.

July 2, 2007

I've also read your post about YOU wondering WHY your bf hasn't proposed to you yet..... How old are you anyways?

First off, let me tell you, I don't think your in the right situation to be thinking about marriage to your bf. I think your more "in love" with the idea of settling down, getting married, and having babies. It's like you put a timeline on yourself and because things aren't happening, you are looking elsewhere. (And at your bf's friend none the less.....yikes!)

Dating someone for 2 yrs does not necessarily mean you're ready for marriage. Yes, some people do date and get married in a shorter amount of time, but that doesn't always necessarily mean it works that way for everyone. Also, your lusting after your bf's friend and yet you want to get married? WHY? When you marry someone, usually the intent is that you want to be with them and only them. But you have this other crush going on ....on the side. So, honestly, I don't think you are happy. If you were, you wouldn't be wondering about this other guy.

There's just so many issues here, and I definately think you need to put the "wanting to get married soon" issue on the back burner.

July 2, 2007

When I look back on the situation, if I could do it all over again I would have just ignored it and waited for it to go away, because it did anyway not long after that.quote]

I think it went away mainly because his friend turned you down, right? If he wouldn't have, I think you would have probably pursued it, right? I almost think that closure (of knowing) is just what you needed. Unfortunately, it ruined your relationship in the process.

July 2, 2007

I think it went away mainly because his friend turned you down, right? If he wouldn't have, I think you would have probably pursued it, right? I almost think that closure (of knowing) is just what you needed. Unfortunately, it ruined your relationship in the process.

For some reason I think it would have anyway in this situation. It was just an infatuation..I liked him for a while after the turn down but then it ran its course, and I was stuck with my relationship being ruined once I realized by (now ex) boyfriend was the one I wanted to be with. Not that its the same for every situation, but that's just my experience.

Nowadays I'm hanging out with this friend of my ex's I liked again, and my ex and I aren't talking anymore so it shows how its funny how things can turn out. Anyway I don't know what to say about the OP's situation. I honestly think its best not to make a move but it depends how important this other guy is and if she is willing to risk a high probability of ruining everything with all of them..

July 2, 2007

What do I do?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to take time and mature, because you're obviously not ready for a relationship at the moment. Secondly don't think your boyfriend hasn't caught wind of your feelings. He's probably playing the nieve guy right now, waiting to see what you've done.

July 2, 2007

I love my boyfriend, I care about him a whole lot. he's my number one support system and best friend, BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

we don't really have a sex life. i like cuddling with him, but i don't really desire it. i don't feel like holding his hand in public again. i see other couples in love and i'm envious. everyone around me is getting married and while i'm happy for them, it makes me upset that i'm not crazy in love like they are.

perhaps my boyfriend is my soul mate and i just don't appreciate him enough now, but IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY. everyone thinks i'm too good for my boyfriend. i know that sounds cocky, but people have said it and they think that he's so lucky to have me. well, what am i lucky to have? he's not really my ideal type looks wise and looking at him doesn't make me want to jump him. my boyfriend smokes and won't quit for me. this friend of his is attractive, healthy, doesn't smoke, isn't in his frat boy stage, etc.

i just want to be really, really happy with a guy. and i'm not happy. and i don't get why the heck i can't be happy when i have this guy who is so supportive and kind.

i'm sorry if this sounds crazy and rushed.

July 2, 2007

and another thing...

i don't think it's right to have to eliminate certain people from my life so that my relationship with my boyfriend improves. so to ignore this awesome guy that i love spending time with because it makes me question my relationship with my boyfriend is ridiculous in a way.

if i'm truly 100% in love, i should never look at a guy like that, right? i want to hold someone's hand proudly and not look at any other guy and think that i wish i could be with him instead.

July 2, 2007

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to take time and mature, because you're obviously not ready for a relationship at the moment. Secondly don't think your boyfriend hasn't caught wind of your feelings. He's probably playing the nieve guy right now, waiting to see what you've done.

I don't know if my boyfriend has caught wind. One thing was weird is I told him I drove his friend home the next morning, and he didn't care. He just thanked me like that was a huge favor and I'm a really nice girl. But then later he asked me the ridiculous question of "Which of my friends is the most attractive?" I didn't answer. Then he said, "Well would you rather do my roommate or _____." ______ is the guy i have the crush on. Would he ask that if he didn't suspect something?

July 2, 2007

When I look back on the situation, if I could do it all over again I would have just ignored it and waited for it to go away, because it did anyway not long after that.quote]

I think it went away mainly because his friend turned you down, right? If he wouldn't have, I think you would have probably pursued it, right? I almost think that closure (of knowing) is just what you needed. Unfortunately, it ruined your relationship in the process.

Good point with the closure of knowing. Unlike this girl, I probably wouldn't have the balls to ever go after my boyfriend's friend, but if I ever did find out he didn't even like me, it'd probably kick me back to reality.

However, if he told me he was in love with me, I'd dump my boyfriend in a heartbeat.

July 2, 2007

After reading your more recent posts, I really think you should take a break or consider splitting with your bf. You're NOT happy. I'm starting to think that he's onto you and your crush on his friend too. I mean he even hinted at it.

I think you need time to figure out what you really want. You seem stuck in a rut with your current relationship. Spend some time ALONE. It can really make you start to see things clearly.

I'm almost 26 and no wheres near marriage. Most of my friends are already married and have kids. Yes, I do wish that I had more in common with them, but I don't. There are a lot of people who are in the same boat as me and I guess thats just the way things happen. I am in no rush though. I certainly don't want to rush into something and then regret it later on.

July 2, 2007

After reading your more recent posts, I really think you should take a break or consider splitting with your bf. You're NOT happy. I'm starting to think that he's onto you and your crush on his friend too. I mean he even hinted at it.

I think you need time to figure out what you really want. You seem stuck in a rut with your current relationship. Spend some time ALONE. It can really make you start to see things clearly.

I'm almost 26 and no wheres near marriage. Most of my friends are already married and have kids. Yes, I do wish that I had more in common with them, but I don't. There are a lot of people who are in the same boat as me and I guess thats just the way things happen. I am in no rush though. I certainly don't want to rush into something and then regret it later on.

So what do I tell my boyfriend when I say I want to break up? There's no real concrete reason? He hasn't done one really bad thing? Do I mention the friend? Not that I mean I'm going to go after the friend, but you know...

If I break up with him, I already know he's going to avoid all contact with me. That's the way he does things. He did it with his last girlfriend of 7 years. Just cut off all contact. I will lose my best friend and biggest support.

And let's say a couple months down the road, I still have feelings for the friend... is it wrong to pursue him then or is he off limits forever?

July 2, 2007

So what do I tell my boyfriend when I say I want to break up? There's no real concrete reason? He hasn't done one really bad thing? Do I mention the friend? Not that I mean I'm going to go after the friend, but you know...

If I break up with him, I already know he's going to avoid all contact with me. That's the way he does things. He did it with his last girlfriend of 7 years. Just cut off all contact. I will lose my best friend and biggest support.

And let's say a couple months down the road, I still have feelings for the friend... is it wrong to pursue him then or is he off limits forever?

You need to break up with him. Not just for yoursake but for his as well. Your heart isno longer into it and you will just end up hurting him more later. Don't tell him its because of his friend becasue it isn't. Its because hen given the choice you chose not to be with him. Perhaps a friendship could be salvaged some time int he future. You never know.

July 2, 2007

hmm I changed my mind about what i just wrote. it was stupid. i think you should break up with him and tell him about the friend because he probably knows anyway, its the honest thing to do.

July 3, 2007

I would not mention the friend. You need to look at the reasons you want to break up with him other then being attracted to his friend. Your bored, your not happy, you feel more like a friend with him and less like a gf, etc.

Be honest about that. Let him know you just don't think things are going anywhere. It's gonna hurt him, but its better then lusting after his friend while pretending to be in love with him.

As time goes on, yes, it might be possible to get involved with his friend. But I definately wouldn't pursue that right away. Because if you do, then you might as well tell your bf the truth right now. In the end, it could make you look like the bad guy to both your bf and his friend.

You have to understand that if you bf needs time after you guys break up, thats normal. If he cuts of contact with you, you need to let him. Because in the long run, you are doing the best thing for him. Eventually someday, maybe you can have a friendship. But don't stick with him for the wrong reasons.

July 3, 2007

ya ide be open about things not try to lie/cover up the friend thing then go after the friend after words. that will make you look dishonest, like if you tell him 'theres no one else and its just not going anywhere then you go after the friend.

thats all i meant, know what im saying?

July 3, 2007

The only way that you can really end things graciously is to break up with your bf and be single for awhile and figure out what YOU DO really want, and then go for it. You probably should leave the friend out of this equation though.

What do you want with a guy who is 10 yrs older anyways? How can you be so sure he even wants to settle down and have kids? You still haven't answered me when I asked you your age.

July 3, 2007

The only way that you can really end things graciously is to break up with your bf and be single for awhile and figure out what YOU DO really want, and then go for it. You probably should leave the friend out of this equation though.

What do you want with a guy who is 10 yrs older anyways? How can you be so sure he even wants to settle down and have kids? You still haven't answered me when I asked you your age.

Sorry, I didn't see that you had asked my age. I'm almost 25 years old. This guy is 32 or 33. What do I want with him? Everything I'd want in a normal relationship. Love, maybe marriage, kids, living happily ever after. I know he wants to settle down because he talks about it all the time. Though when he brings it up, it's more depressing because he thinks he's getting too old to hope to find love and marriage and kids. He thinks he'll have to settle for some divorced older lady who already has kids.

I WANT TO HAVE HIS KIDS! i don't care that he's older at all. he's the most amazing person i've met in several years, but yeah... he's been my boyfriend's good friend for about 3 years now.

July 3, 2007

Well I've talked to my boyfriend and he doesn't want to break up. He says he'll try harder and wants to work on it. He is offering to do things he never did before (trips, etc).

Just when I'm ready to go, he's willing to put forth more effort. But it almost feels too late.

July 3, 2007

Well I've talked to my boyfriend and he doesn't want to break up. He says he'll try harder and wants to work on it. He is offering to do things he never did before (trips, etc).

Just when I'm ready to go, he's willing to put forth more effort. But it almost feels too late.

Ok, but what do YOU want? I know you don't want to hurt him, but if your not happy, do you really think things are gonna change? The longer you string this out, the harder it is gonna be to cut loose and the more it is gonna hurt your bf. Like your bf's friend said "if its not working, get out now." (I'm not suggesting you do this only so you can go after his friend though.) His friend has a point. I doubt he wants to see your bf hurt if your not feeling things with him anymore.

As for his friend, yes there is an age gap. Is it really a big deal? No, I guess not. And its good he wants the same things as you. But the fact still remains that...THAT is your bf's friend. Really tough situation if you ask me. But I wouldn't want to come in between them. It sounds to me your bf wouldn't be too happy about it...even down the road. But, I guess its worth a try. Just don't expect things to go smoothly....

July 3, 2007

Well I've talked to my boyfriend and he doesn't want to break up. He says he'll try harder and wants to work on it. He is offering to do things he never did before (trips, etc).

Just when I'm ready to go, he's willing to put forth more effort. But it almost feels too late.

I hesitant to put in my opinion on this because I'm biased, but if I were you I would give him one more chance. Just for a while I would give it a chance and not see the friend at all and if your feelings about the relationship don't change, then break up with your boyfriend. He will already have had a warning that it might happen by then.

I don't see why you should be ruled out from dating the friend forever, as long as there is an appropriate cool down period. I don't think his age has anything to do with it, its not a large age difference to me.

July 3, 2007

Your boyfriend isn't really in love with you. If he were, he'd consider your feelings and stop smoking for you.

Has the friend made any moves on you? If he really sees you as a serious possibility, he wouldn't let some friend get in the way. He'd have made a move on you anyway. I'm not sure he's really into you either.

July 4, 2007

Your boyfriend isn't really in love with you. If he were, he'd consider your feelings and stop smoking for you.
Has the friend made any moves on you? If he really sees you as a serious possibility, he wouldn't let some friend get in the way. He'd have made a move on you anyway. I'm not sure he's really into you either.

to be honest, i don't know if he's really into me either. he DID tell me i was awesome and that he was jealous of my boyfriend. but i can't tell if he's nice to me in a younger sister/brother's girlfriend type of way or more than that. we hit it off well, but beyond that... i don' tknow.

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