guilt_and_regret Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 So this is going to sound like a lot of drama, but I'm learning that I'm a little clueless about how to be single, so maybe some perspective might help. I've recently been going through a divorce. I'm mid-twenties, got married too young, things have been deteriorating for awhile but the breakup only officially happened a month ago. As things were falling apart, I met a girl through some friends, and we connected pretty instantly. Like better than I've ever connected with anyone, just instant chemistry to a really high degree. Of course nothing could happen then because of my situation, but it became known through friends that she was attracted to me and that I liked her as well. She has a boyfriend unfortunately, though they don't seem to be a great match for one another (in most people's opinions, hers included at times). Anywho, we talk periodically and really get along great; really get each other. I've never really seen her alone though, always with mutual friends present. This past weekend she ended up calling me out of the blue late one evening when her and her friends were calling it a night, and asked if wanted to meet up, so I picked her up and we went out for a couple of drinks. We both kind of agreed that we weren't tired, and decided to have a drink after the bar closed. I suggested my place which she agreed to. So we were alone together finally, in my apartment on the couch, it was comfortable and fun.....but nothing really happened romantically. I'm not sure if it was because I couldn't gauge how receptive she'd be to something happening, or because she has a boyfriend and I can respect the situation it would put her in, but nothing happened. I guess I just didn't get the vibe that she was wanting me to make a move. Basically I'm realizing that this was maybe foolish, if she's going to initiate meeting up and agree to go back to my apartment alone with someone she admittedly likes (or at least did in the recent past) and who she knows likes her, well it seems difficult to imagine that her intentions were entirely innocent and platonic. I should be clear that I really am crazy about this girl, not just trying to sleep with her. I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable spot, or have her feel regretful...but I can't deny I am extremely attracted to her, and would love nothing more than to just hold her and kiss her. So I'm not sure what to do from here....she didn't answer a text msg I sent today, but that could be for a variety of reasons. But I'm probably not going to get an opportunity like that again, and am hesitant to try and pursue plans too aggressively because of her situation. But I really want to see her again, and see if I can have a situation as ideal for letting her know one way or another how I feel. Did I blow it? No idea how to proceed. Again, we basically exclusively see each other through friends, and I think this was a very spontaneous thing, helped along by alcohol. Might be hard to get her to make plans in advance, just the two of us, as long as the bf is around. But I'm kind of going crazy, and I feel that I really need to let her know directly how I feel. Ah the joys of being single again and trying to figure out what other people are thinking.
mishy Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 the only way to find out how to be single is to actually BE single. I think you need to forget about dating anyone for a while. See you've only just broken up with your wife and you just sound like you are scared of not being attached. Why don't you just be on your own for a while. Find out who you are????? You are so young, it would be scary if you didn't take this opportunity to get to know yourself. If you continually are attached from a young age then what will happen is later on in life when you lose a partner you will not cope with being alone. I know thats morbid but its a fact of life.
GregsBad Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Yes. You blew it. You should have kissed her. You don't have to be celibate either and you don't have to lie or pretend that you're "open" to a relationship. But whatever you do DON'T get into a relationship yet. You're not ready for it ... in addition to being recently divorced, you still too young and should be pursueing goals and achievments for yourself. meanwhile ... get laid! - play the field - date. There are girls who will accept booty calls, friends with benifits and whatever and they'll respect you for not "falling in love" too.
knaveman Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 mishy's right, just be single for a while and enjoy it. Opportunities like that will come and go, if you do things right. Don't sweat it, you have all the time in the world. And... in my experience, the girl would have slept with you. She called you, you two got drinks, AND she went back to your house. However, I think you did the right thing since she does have a bf. Anyway, have fun.
GregsBad Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 boyfriend huh? She's not married and she's not serious about him, one bit, she was out with you, and very probably wanted you. Or is her bf a bud?
Author guilt_and_regret Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 No, he's not a friend of mine. The more I think about this, the more I realize how clear the situation was. I guess at the time, I was waiting for a "sign" in the moment or something, ignoring the many obvious indicators that came before. Maybe it boils down to the fact that having not been in a situation like that in a long time, I just lost my nerve or didn't know how to proceed. She doesn't seem to be responding to me now - I don't know if she's embarrassed, or angry that she put herself in that situation, or what. And I know that diving back into a relationship is not a good idea, but I mean even if nothing serious I wouldn't mind just being able to explore the situation. It's basically just that I've thought about being with her, kissing her, etc for so long, that it's killing me that I had a pretty great opportunity and let it slide.
Recommended Posts