He didn't want to break up but due to life changes he "had" to

[jonesgirl620]

My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 7 years. During this time I helped him through a 2 year period where his crazy emotionally and physically abusive ex wife tried to run him over, physically attacked him 3 other times where he had to call the police and was stalking us. He finally was able to put an end to that. He helped me through the death of my ex husband from cancer, a unexpected job loss, a nephew murdered and 2 years ago I lost my only sister, whom I was very close to and who was my best friend in a freak accident at her job.

 

I was devastated and he got me through it. Other than these issues we delt with, we never had any problems in our relationship. It was a healthy relationship and we always talked things through and both being low maintenance kind of people. He called me the "love of his life" and was extremely devoted to me. People were always envious of our relationship. We didn't live together, partly because my kids were still home and he had a daughter that stayed with him frequently.

 

My kids are all gone now and I decided to go back to school. I had to study alot but always left my Friday and Saturday evenings open for him. Around Christmas, his crazy ex announced that she was selling her house, tired of raising their daughter (who is 16) , and leaving town. So he is now working out the legal proceedings to get full custody which hasn't taken place yet. He also had been unhappy with his career and wanted to make more money since his ex is not going to pay child support (he's ok with that - he just wants her gone} so he decided to study for some IT certifications and told me in January that I won't be seeing him much while he is studying. He said he has to study ALL the time to pass these. So for the next 4 month I see him maybe one weekend night but we talk twice a day.

 

Meanwhile, I started to feel lonely and neglected that he didn't have time for me but I didn't say anything because I'm trying to be supportive. We had scheduled a 3 day trip, just the 2 of us, for Memorial weekend and had already paid a deposit. Well, he took the first exam 4 weeks before the trip and he didn't pass. He told me that he will retake it in 4 weeks. I reminded him of the trip and he made a comment that it will cut into his studying time. I got hurt and said he didn't have to go but he said he would. Well a week before, he made another comment about the timing of this trip (at this point we could not get our deposit refunded) and I got upset and out of anger I said "If you don't go with me than maybe we should not be together". Did I mean it? NO.

 

The next day he comes over crying telling me that he cried and threw up all night that I would even say such a thing and told me he was devastated. I told him I was sorry that I didn't mean it. We met for dinner the next night which was the Tuesday before the trip weekend and we have a long talk. He asked me if I wanted to be with him and I said yes. I also told him that he had taken such good care of me during my tragedies that maybe he should take some time to think of himself and his daughter, about finding a place to live for the 2 of them and for him to finish with the certifications. That way I could go out and start making friends and not feel resentful sitting at home. He doesn't say anything but cries. The next day we start talking about the trip and I'm excited because I finally get to spend some time with him and we e-mail back and forth that Wed. and Thursday and all his e-mails its "Hi Babe" and Love. Friday at noon, he e-mails me and it's all cold. No "Babe" or "love".

 

We go on the trip and he is quiet and distant but we have fun and I feel closer to him. But I notice he doesn't really look at me in the eye. I think that since we have been together for 7 years that we will get through this rough patch, our first one ever. I did not want to talk during the trip about that dinner conversation and was going to wait till we got back. We come home that Monday evening and we hug and I told him I loved him and he says "I know you do". The next morning at 6am he is on my doorstep crying and gagging telling me he wants to split up with me for good. OK, a week before he was devastated that I would even say such a thing and now he's dumping me. He said that with all his major life changes about to take place he felt like he "needed" to do this even though he didn't want to. I told him that I was just suggesting a break but he said no for good.

 

It's almost like somebody between the last Thursday evening and Friday morning told him or persuaded him to dump me - when he got cold in his e-mails. I was beside myself and am so broken hearted . He was my best friend and I never saw this coming. This loss has been almost as devastating as my sister's. He e-mails me post breakup and told me that he is sorry he hurt me, that hes not sure he's making the right decision but at this stage of his life this is what he "needs" to do. He also says "I'm not sure about all this but one day I will figure this all out". What does that mean?

 

I wrote him a nice goodbye letter 3 weeks later thanking him for all the good times and for taking care of me and how I meant taking time for himself was like a mini "break" not a break up, and I wished him luck with his certifications. He e-mails me and tells me he got the letter and that he thinks the world of me and considers me a great friend but he agains says that he thinks this is the best thing for him at this stage of life, that he was sorry he hurt me and that "he is still not sure about all this but hopes one day to figure it out". Still don't know what that means. So I'm devastated, feel totally lost, and keep trying to figure out what happened.

 

I know that I messed up, but we never got the chance to talk about anything at all before he dumped me. I asked a mutual friend how could he just walk away after 7 years and a solid relationship and she said that he just had too much on his plate, between his daughter, his career and me and that something had to go - and it was me. I'm still dumbfounded and dealing with another loss of my best friend and can't believe this is happening.

[neveragain2493]

i'm very sorry that this has happened to you.

 

i agree with your friend, sometimes it's way too much to handle.

 

but i also agree with you: something happened between those emails in which made him want to break up with you.

i think there is definitely something he is not telling you.

and by him saying what he did after you sent him that letter definitely says there is something wrong in this picture: for him to be uncertain but saying it's for the best, there is someone OR something that is persuading him different.

 

one day maybe you will get back together, and i wish you the best.

[meleeda]

Not too long ago a guy I was dating did the same thing, he was going through a bunch of stuff and told me he wanted to break up. I was hurt, devastated and did alot of crying. Eventually I met someone else and moved on with my life, well what evenutally happened is the ex came back crying on my door step telling me all sort of stuff about how he loved me and wanted me back that he had made a mistake and such.

 

I never took him back but moved on, and again I recently had my partner break up with me and I was hurt yet again, I did not cry this time and I did not call him I let him go, I gave him the space he needed to be alone to find out how much he missed me and needed me in his life. He came back and our relationship is better today. the moral of the story is all guys seam to go through this thing in their life, when life gets hard they retreat into them selves and it seams want their space. Let him go, let him deal with what he is going through on his own, give him space and time to remember how much he misses you and I promise he will come back.

 

Go out enjoy life date around if you feel like you have to, date two or three guys but keep the sex part out and enjoy life. once he has stretched as far away as he can he will come springing back and I promise something wonderful will happen. See in the time he has alone once he has stretched far away as he can, he will realize what a mistake he has made and come back and pick up the relationship where you left off and your relationship will be better for it. Trust me give him his space.