kymberann Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 So I have been seeing this guy since March. In general he is a great guy. When we actually get to spend time together it's been decent. However like most Rs they come with baggage and I am finding this guy has it! Not that it matters, but I think it may, he is from Guatamala and has been in the states for 10 years as a citizen. He is amazing, he is articulate and smart and we have great conversations so there really isn't a language barrier. When we get confused about the meaning then we have no problems asking what the other means. He has been divorced for two years, me three. He has kids, actually one biological but he married his ex because she had two other kids and he wanted to help. Through getting to know him, he was coerced and felt obligated to take care of this woman. Another long story. But it plays a part in what I did. So back to the R. We had a few days here and there where we actually got to spend more than 2 or 3 hours. It's dwindled. One day we were going to go do something and he called and cancelled. I didn't g et a call from him until the end of the week. He told me his ex called and said some mean things to him and he had to go home because he was upset. He continues to financially support her and he told me that she tells him that she is going to make him pay for her for the rest of his life. He pays for his house and hers and all of her bills and food. HE's told me he won't go back to her, however she denies him seeing the kids. She wants to sue him, but for what I don't know. He initiated the divorce, there are no alimony or child support orders. HIs name is not on the birth certificate for his biological son. She was angry at him at the time. Most of the time when we are together, she calls and he talks to her and then if they are disagreeing then it influences how we are with each other. At one point when they got divorced she told him to go and date and now he tells me that since he has she has second thoughts about it, even though they fight and basically hate each other. He can't stay the night with me because he is afraid to leave his house. SHe gets in a does whatever. One time I went to his house and he was so worried and kept looking at the door. He thought she was going to come over. I got tired of it and I left. He called me and apologized but was worried she would come in. She still has a key to the house. She also has his debit card. And if the kids stay the night at his house she has to stay with because she won't let them stay over without her. All pretty WEIRD! One weekend we were going to get our kids together and do something. On saturday he was going to call, he never did. I called at night and asked what's up? Was it just too uncomfortable? He said they just didn't have time and acted as if it was not that big of a mishap. Then we agreed we would spend time together on Sunday. In the morning he called and said a friend of his died, was with the family all night and was tired. This was last weekend. I only saw him on Wednesday of this last week. So we spent Wednesday together in the evening and I just knew something didn't feel right. I still don't know but it wasn't right. I am tired of being with him and then he just up and leaves me because of his other family. As a side note, my kids love him and ask about him a lot. So Thursday I wrote him a letter and mailed it that day. I basically explained how I was feeling. How he is either cheating on me with the ex or cheating on her with me. That he may as well be married to her if he is going to continue to support her. I told him it is impossible to be with me and enjoy being with me if he is thinking about her concerns and not over her and taking her calls. I told him that I didn't feel like a priority and on it goes. Bottom line I told him to take some time to think about our relationship and if it is worth the work. And to only call if he is willing to make "us" a priority without the ex involved. Well I know he got it Friday. I am thinking she probably got it too or first and made a big fuss about it, which just validats my point. But I have not heard from him. I wasn't expecting to, I am just dissappointed and just hoping I did the right thing and basically doing everything I can not to call him! Anyway, what do you all think. Even though these dynamics are so unhealthy and I may have done a strong thing I don't feel so healthy or strong. Last night I drank about a half a bottle of wine and had a good cry on top of the junk food as well! What do you guys expect will happen? Best!
JeanQueen Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Sorry to hear about your situation Kymberann. It sounds like this deal with his ex might be more than you (or anyone) can handle. I think for me a nutty ex like that would be a deal breaker, especially since he is still so involved with her and playing into her games. Do you see the situation with his ex ending anytime soon? If not, then it might be time to just let things go and look for someone that doesn't have that amount of baggage.
jcster Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Wow Kimberann, that sucks. I think you did the right thing. This guy is in Limbo, and you can't put all the responsibility for that on his ex. He obviously doesn't know how or won't try to stand up for himself, and continues to take the abuse willingly. There's nothing you can do for a person in that situation - they have to get out of it themselves. I know you hope he will call, and I hope that he does too, but it's a real longshot, and I think you know it. May I recommend Taco Bell for your heartache drowning? I find it goes well with any wine.
Author kymberann Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 I don't understand why people have to be in "Limbo" and can't make up their minds. And this guy can't change because he is so afraid of her! Now that would give me all the more reason to change and do something different. He told me once that she told him "no one will ever love you". And I know he is believing it. I know it won't work out, he'll stay the same. Thanks for the replies and now for that Taco Bell!
nittygritty Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 I don't understand why people have to be in "Limbo" and can't make up their minds. And this guy can't change because he is so afraid of her! Now that would give me all the more reason to change and do something different. He told me once that she told him "no one will ever love you". And I know he is believing it. I know it won't work out, he'll stay the same. Thanks for the replies and now for that Taco Bell! I think its possible that he is comfortable with the way his ex treats him, he may even like it. I also think that you did the right thing and should not waste anymore of your time on him unless he and his ex get emotionally divorced and since he hasn't done anything about her controlling his life in two years than its not likely that its going to change anytime soon. You might be too emotionally healthy and stable for him? Its possible. You said that he married her because she needed help with her other two kids. What was he getting out of that deal? Feeling needed or was there more to it than that? Be thankful that you had not invested more time in the relationship and be strong if he wants to get back together but is not willing to do anything about the problems. Take Care
daphne Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 kimberann, I tend to agree with the other poster about this guy being unhealthy. I think most healthy people run away from people who hurt us and he's putting up with a lot of nonsense that most of us wouldn't after a certain period of time. You sound stable, and this probably wouldn't work anyway in the long run. That being said, I think the letter was a very dignified way of saying the @$#@ stops here buddy. It's pretty hard to do, but it sounds like you've thought it through and know you deserve better behavior. I know it's hard, but I don't think that letter is going to change a thing. Even if he promises to do better, he's still in a very unhealthy cycle and who knows when he'll extricate himself. Maybe it'll take losing a good woman who had potential for him to realize he's got to do something about his situation. Stick to your guns on this. THere's not a lot of gray area in your situation and it would be miserable for you to stay in it as is.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Kymberann, May I ask you honestly, how closely your problems with this man and this R compare to your last relationship? I think sometimes we are inclined to try to fix that which we had no control over in the past, to welcome a similar scenario in an attempt to overcome what we couldn't in the past. He is divorced but the same barriers seem to be in your way. Despite the legalities, this man seems VERY emotionally tied to his "responsibilities" as husband and father. Do you think you could ever be comfortable with his X staying in YOUR house with the kids? His boundaries with her are the ones HE chooses, not that she demands. This is a strange situation that has nothing to do with you or your worthiness, but its one you can't change or benefit from it seems. Having to face that again, seems like you're setting yourself up for the same (perceived) failure. I hope you find someone who deserves you soon.
Author kymberann Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 Kymberann, May I ask you honestly, how closely your problems with this man and this R compare to your last relationship? I think sometimes we are inclined to try to fix that which we had no control over in the past, to welcome a similar scenario in an attempt to overcome what we couldn't in the past. He is divorced but the same barriers seem to be in your way. Despite the legalities, this man seems VERY emotionally tied to his "responsibilities" as husband and father. Do you think you could ever be comfortable with his X staying in YOUR house with the kids? His boundaries with her are the ones HE chooses, not that she demands. This is a strange situation that has nothing to do with you or your worthiness, but its one you can't change or benefit from it seems. Having to face that again, seems like you're setting yourself up for the same (perceived) failure. I hope you find someone who deserves you soon. This is a great response and in all honesty I do not know what I am doing. My last R and serious R involved a MM. He said he would leave, but when push came to shove he stayed with his W when she had her suspiscions. That is certainly done and over with. I dealt with the healing, dated a few people, no one note worthy enough for me. THen I met this guy. There was just something about him. I was of course glad to find out he wasn't married, but the issues came out as I got to know him. I remained patient and just let his issues be his issues and told myself, I can't fix him, can't change it. He told me to "please be patient" because he knows this is an issue. He finds it amazing that I don't even ask my ex husband to support me. I keep telling him that I do not expect my ex husband to support me, that that is why we got divorced, for one of many reasons. So yes this is similar, he is legally divorced and can't commit because he is not emotionally divorced. Again I didn't know these issues were there, but to a certain extent perhaps I unconsciously drew he and his issues my way for some unknown reason. It just sucks, letting people go. As for finding someone, I am keeping to myself for a loooong while, even dating isn't worth the hassle! Best
daphne Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Kimber, You don't have to stop dating forever. I think you just need to start making better choices. You seem to pick unavailable men. Figure out why, figure out what you need, and then open yourself up again. I know that as impatient as I am, a man with issues with an ex wife would not be an option for me. You need to explore why this is ok for you. Expect more for yourself or you will only get less. But what do I know? I expect a lot and I'm still single...
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 So yes this is similar, he is legally divorced and can't commit because he is not emotionally divorced I'm not sure from your posts if you believe that he is still emotionally involved with his ex or that it comes from a sense of obligations. It sounds like obligation to me just from what I've read but I wonder how deeply seeded that is, is it a cultural thing do you believe?
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