Urgent! parents or love of my life??

[scarletreefdragon]

I have been dating and living with this guy for a year and nine months...

He is the only guy who has ever told me that I am beautiful and perfect the way I am. He has always felt like my puzzle piece, we enjoy all the same things and can hang out just the two of us for days.

Recently we went on a road trip to Cali. and Utah, on the way home we stopped at MY grandparents for a few nights... everything is fine except my grandma is starting to get on my BF's nerves. Our last day there we wake up and everything is cool, until Marc(my boyfriend) and my grandma start to argue. *Marc has always had a short fuse, I know how to not light it but my grandma has no clue* They start calling each other names and it continues to escalate to the point that Marc tells me to pack my things cause we are leaving early... my grandma steps in and tells me that he is dangerous and they won't let me leave with him. This sets Marc off and he ends up throwing her to the floor. We called the sheriffs dept. and had them arrest my boyfriend. He is now in prison for six months and he has to go to anger management.

I found out from Marc's dad that he was going to propose to me in Sept., I want to stay with him and help him get the help he needs but my family has threatened to disown me if I stay with him or even have any contact with him. I love him and I love my family very much and I don't know what to do. Marc has never had anyone stick by him, his mom left him for her boyfriend when he was 10 and he has never met his real father. He has shown me that he is a good person inside, that has an anger problem when he is pushed hard enough and that he needs someone to belive in him. I told him already that the only way I will stay with him is if he continues his anger management classes and we start going to couples counseling(he agreed). I am really confused... I love him so much, that I don't have an appetite since he's been gone and I can't sleep or focus on anything.

If you need more info on what happened to make a suggestion just ask.....

[jcster]

I'm so sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation. It's the sad truth, though, that sometimes the people that we love aren't the people we can live with. Your boyfriend had a tough start to life, but that doesn't excuse his actions. You really need to make sure that he's made a true change before continuing your relationship with him. If you want to avoid a huge family issue and protect yourself and stand by your boyfriend - then give him a chance to prove himself to you and everyone. But you're going to need to step back and give him room to grow. If he does the anger management and really absorbs it, if he goes to counseling and makes a real change, you can take him back - but I wouldn't do it before then.

[scarletreefdragon]

My friends and family have not been helpful at this time, and I need an outsiders opinon on this. It only happened a week ago so I am still really depressed. Trying not to become a wino.

[garnet]

Scarlet,

 

I feel very badly for what you're going through. I understand that you love this man, but until he gets real help, he is not someone who can have a healthy relationship. He has an abusive personality. If he is capable of throwing your grandmother to the floor, he is certainly capable of doing the same to you, and maybe worse.

 

I've been in a relationship with an abusive person before and I know how confusing it can be. It's almost like they can be two different people, and you think if you just love them enough than the bad part won't come out anymore. Sadly, this is not the case.

 

I can definitely understand where your parents are coming from. I'd probably feel the same way if I were them. Couples therapy with you isn't enough, your boyfriend needs therapy on his own to deal with his childhood issues. Until he does, is issues will continue to resurface in the ugliest of ways. Take it from someone who has been there, being in a relationship with someone like this can cause you years of pain and heartache. I wish I could get those years back, but I lost them.

[Steveto]

What was it exactly that made him flip his lid to your grandmother? I can't imagine what your grandmother could have said to actually throw her to the ground short of her pointing a gun or knife to him.

 

The ONLY way I see that could possibly work is if you talk to your family to give him ONE more chance and Marc needs to REALLY sit down and apologize with SINCERITY. I think that at least the guy does deserve a second chance...Has he ever hit you? I am the exact opposite of Marc..I have an extremely long fuse..yes I get frustrated, but almost never blow a fuse..it takes a loooong time and a lot of effort to piss me off. That in itself is an entirely different problem..heh.

 

If he won't do this for you, he isn't worth the time. You will need to move on, but you don't have to listen to me or anyone else. I just don't want you to learn the hard way.

[LN99]

I know you love this guy. I have been in some serious relationships before and if my bf would have done anything like this to my grandma or mom, I wouldn't tolerate it one bit.

 

I know some people have a short temper, etc. But there is something called tact and manners. Sure, he may have had a rough childhood, but why wasn't he thinking about the consequences of his actions around your grandma? Why wasn't he thinking of you?

 

You said you know how to avoid making him angry, but do you really want to live your life afraid of what you and others say and what he will do next? What if one day, you decide to challenge him on something VERBALLY. Will he throw you to the ground or worse?

 

I know that love makes you blind to the bad stuff, but seriously I think you can do better then a guy like this.

[jenniferlm]

He needs to seek counseling. And apologize to your grandmother, possibly even have your grandmother come to a session with the therapist to talk through things.

 

I think you should see a therapist too. With him and then on your own as well.

 

You probably won't take this advice and have everyone involved seek counseling. But you really should. Really.

 

If someone abuses one woman, he'll abuse another. Plain and Simple. You need to wake up to this fact. And the other woman will probably be you.

 

You say he has a short fuse but you know how not to light it. This seems way odd. Why would you want to be with someone you had to do this with???

[scarletreefdragon]

She called him a bum, loser, dangrous, and some other unmentionables. I kept asking her to leave the room and leave us alone for a bit but she wouldn't and kept pushing verbally at him. I don't excuse his behavior but I can't just make my love for him stop, once I tell someone I love them I am in it till the end.

This is someone who has been in my life in a big way for almost two years. He has made me feel like I am actually worth while and he has made me feel sexier than I have ever felt( the only guy to get me to wear lingere). He attacks me in the bedroom to the point that I am begging him to stop cause he trys to give me at least 4 orgasms to his one each time and I don't think I'll be able to walk the next day.

He hasn't hurt me physcally but he has gotten pretty mad at me,to the point that either he or I will leave for a few hours to cool down. Our normal small tiffs go like this... he'll get mad at something I do(not mad enough to say something but he does this weird sigh thing), I tell him to knock it off, he tells me to knock it off or to shut up( so I do), we don't talk for about ten mins, then everything is cool again and we are back to talking and laughing.

My mom found out last night that I am considering helping him and possibly staying with him, she went off the handle telling me that I always make ****ty choices( listing off all of my boyfriends) and that she and my entire family are going to disown me and give my inheritance away to an animal shelter instead. This really hurts because my family has never really been there for me either(like Marc) and we just started having a good relationship when I started dating Marc.

[Phoebe]

She called him a bum, loser, dangrous, and some other unmentionables. I kept asking her to leave the room and leave us alone for a bit but she wouldn't and kept pushing verbally at him. I don't excuse his behavior but I can't just make my love for him stop, once I tell someone I love them I am in it till the end.

 

That doesn't sound enough of a reason for someone to throw another person to the floor. Then when you take into account that you were guests in your Grandmothers home, this just shouldn't be acceptable. He got physically aggressive towards an elderly member of your family, where's his respect?

 

Stay away from this guy. If you were on the outside looking in on this relationship what would you advise? Yes it's hard to walk away when you're in love but you must know that this guy is trouble. He seems very controlling and aggressive. I also find it strange that you said he "attacks" you in the bedroom, interesting choice of words. It sounds like you have a low self esteem, maybe therapy would help you with this.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[scarletreefdragon]

Well they have already disowned me as of today(he doesn't even get out until december). My family told me when it first happened that they would help me pay rent and my bills until I got back on my feet...I talked to them today and that has changed they are not helping me with anything. Marc was the sole provider in the relationship and now I am about to get evicted because I don't have enough money to pay rent. If things stay on this course I will be out of a home by the 15th.

What do you do when you have no job and you need to come up with $600 to pay rent, plus utilites and cell phone bills on top of that $600???????( by Wensday) My life is ruined.

By the way thanks for all the advice, I am impressed with how you all respond so professionally.

This is helping alot, but I am still unsure of things right now.

[jenniferlm]

Uh. so he tells you to shut up and you do. lol. And you're cool with that ???

 

Wow. You sound like a typical victim of abuse. Why won't you go seek some counseling? Why won't you insist that he does? And then why don't the both of you go together?

 

Oh, I know, I guess you think you don't need it, and that you know it all, and how to handle everything...

 

And apparently you have a list of crappy boyfriends. What a life! Congrats on all your fine choices. I'm sure that the one you're making now will lead to more of the same...misery. But that seems to be what you like, or you wouldn't keep dating these types of guys over and over again.

 

Oh, and cause the sex is good, you think the relationship is better than others? I tell you what. There's lots of guys out there who will be even better in bed than him, and they won't be abusive, rude, condescending, disrespectful, etc etc. Cause you know, he's all these things I just listed to YOU. Not just to others. You make excuses for him when he abuses others. NOT GOOD.

 

I bet if you had children with him, and he got upset (cause you know raising kids and having them around all the time is stressful) and abused them verbally or physically....you wouldn't do a damn thing about it, and would make excuses for him. Cause you know, it would be him doing it to the kids and not to you, so it would be okay in your book, cause the kids must have done something to deserve it.

 

sorry, but you sound really messed up to me. If I were your family I wouldn't want you around anymore either until you got some therapy and straightened yourself up. Sorry to be harsh, but maybe it will wake you up.

 

The choice you are making is wrong. Good for your family for showing you some tough love.

 

And really you're crying that you have no money...and yet you haven't had a job either?? Puh-leeze. Sounds like it's time to grow up. Again...hooray for your family. You sound like a spoiled, self absorbed, selfish person. (just like him)

Really, the more I read your posts the more I think you two deserve eachother

You make excuses for a man who abused an old woman. HE was the one who made the confrontation physical. Get it? Nah, you prolly don't...lol.

 

 

I'm beginning to think you're some kind of troll....this can't be real, and someone can't be this stupid, selfish, and narcissitic that they would be living your life....

 

Hmmmmm....

[scarletreefdragon]

You have no right to judge me!!!!!!!!!! Where the hell do you get off calling ME a troll!!!!!!!! You start off lecturing me and continue throughout your entire comment, telling me we deserve each other. How on earth do you think it is okay to be so rude to someone you don't even know. YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I quit my job right before our vacation (which is where this all happened) because they cut my hours right before I was supposed to get benifits. I am not some spoiled brat who expects everything to be handed to me, I have been living alone talking care of myself since I was 17 (22 now) with no help from my family. I like how you type something rude and offensive and put a LOL after it. Like you're being funny AND helpful. Ridiclious!!!!!!!!! Don't post on my threads again PLZ!

[jenniferlm]

YOU are the one who put your situation up on the internet. If you're not fine w/ others offering their opinions on your situation even when they're not agreeing with you, YOU shouldn't put up your personal business on the internet for the whole world to see, comment on, AND judge. Period.

 

Whatever reason you quit your job...most people don't quit a job until they already have another one lined up....At least that's what responsible people do.

Why? Cause they don't want to have someone else support them.

 

If you've been living on your own for 5 years now, you shouldn't be so stressed that your family won't help you. I could tell you were pretty young BTW, it shows in the way you are living your life. In the above comment I made, I almost typed that it sounded like you needed to grow up a bit.

 

I put lol at the end of something because I am laughing at your reaction to this situation...it's totally unbelieveable and hilarious to me. Really. When someone does something that's so stupid as to make excuses for a man who physically abuses an old woman...I can't help it....I think they're so stupid and misguided that I can't help but laugh, and be glad they're not around me in the flesh. Get it? Good.

 

If your offended by what I have to say...so be it. That was my intent. I knew you wouldn't see reason here no matter what anyone typed about this guy. It also seems as though you think you know it all at 22...why you havent sought out a therapist to stop the cycle of abuse in your life is beyond me...AND hilarious....LOL.

 

My God. This man abused an old woman. Your grandmother. And you sit here and type up excuses for him. News flash...dear...there is NO excuse or reason to physically abuse anyone much less an old woman. It's wrong and disgusting, and I don't blame your family for wanting to be rid of this situation. I would too. You need some tough love, and for someone to put their foot down and say "enough is enough"

 

You have the right in this country to subject yourself to his abuse rudeness and cruelty, but not the right to demand that others accept his faults, abusive behavior, and rudeness.

 

And if you've been on your own for so long, and so used to your family doing nothing for you, then this all of sudden disownment after a brief reconcilliation should be nothing to you.