lateblmr Posted February 19, 2003 Posted February 19, 2003 I am seeking advice on how to compartmentalize the past actions of my partner. While he was in the Marines (for 20+ years), he was stationed all over the world. He has had hundreds of women, some serious relationships, most not. In addition, he was married to a woman in the States, during this time. If I choose to love him, I must accept his past. He talks very matter of factly, regarding intimate details. It hurts me deeply, but I must face reality. I do not know how to think regarding this information. He will refrain from mentioning it, if I ask, but I want him to be able to confide in me. To not know does not make it have never happened. He could never mention it again, but it would still hurt me. Does someone have experience/advice with this situation? Thank you.
Reckless Posted February 19, 2003 Posted February 19, 2003 The thing about the past is there's not a single thing you can do to change it. You can look at it, try and learn from it but you can't change it. Few of us come to relationships virgins and some like your guy come with a lot of experience. Thing is not the past but how it affects the present. You said "If you choose to love him.." this implies you are both perhaps in the early stages of your relationship, if that's the case maybe it's easier to ask the questions about the past that will help you deal with it. My present guy was married before and I found early on I did want to hear things about past relationships, understand the whys and wherefores so I could figure out the man. I'd stop him when things approached weird - never sought details for example, since I did not want images in my head that would disturb me later - dealt just with principles that could give me insights, such as, his views then and now on disease, parenthood, casual sex, infidelity, intimacy etc. Remember it's not only what is said but also how a story is related. I personally found out enough to put my mind at ease and help me decide that I wanted to be with this person despite the past. I accepted that I would come across scars and baggage but that I felt we could carry it together without me feeling bitter or angry or him feeling too guilty. If I had felt bitter or unforgiving, if the stories and his attitude about them had made me feel that this man is callous or cannot appreciate love or intimacy, if he had commitment issues or was irresponsible I would not have been able to move forward. All couples are unique, so you can only find your own way, but I hope this has helped a little. R. Ps. Any tattoos "I luv Zara (Stroke), Rosie (stroke), Conchita..." might be hard to deal with but love heals all, remember that!
Jade Posted February 19, 2003 Posted February 19, 2003 He can confide in you about anything except intimate details about past loves/lovers. If he can talk about the experiences and what he ,learned and how he's grown fine, but there is no need to know all the rest. It will only make you feel that you are not good enough or that they were better etc. You have every right to ask him to stop it now. You will never be happy if you don't. Alot of damage has already been done-to you but at least you can put a stop to it from now on.
Tony T Posted February 19, 2003 Posted February 19, 2003 It is extremely cruel and immature for any person, especially a grown adult, to share intimate details of his Marine career adultery with someone he cares about. It is also just plain nuts for you to think he's "confiding" in you when you are so mean to your ownself to invite these details that you admit hurt you. This is one of the more dysfunctional relationships I've heard about. Communication is one thing but this is just plain insane. I'd dump his butt in about a half of a second. This man is still a child...albeit one with Marine training and experience. Work on yourself to stop inviting people you care about to hurt you. That's not a cool thing to do.
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