pregnant to MM need input from the wife and or husband your input

[Darth Vader]

When I said "they get what they deserve", I am not thinking that. I think the op is thinking that.

 

 

Oh, ok. What I was trying to edit into my last post, was: Maybe your spouses are blaming themselves for your affair and trying to do the honorable thing by taking in the OM's child.(husband) Look here, you need to be honest with your husband, and assure him that this affair and pregnancy wasn't at all his fault, that it was yours, totally. Think about it, he does blame himself, doesn't he, he probably kicks himself for not being a better husband, and you're letting him?

[the other woman73]

I stated that I have only one son because I thought maybe... my husband wanted to raise him as his own because him and I dont have a son. Thats all That doesnt discredit our girls. Or I love them less I was trying to find a reason of why would he want to raise the boy as his own. And yes I have had that long talk with my husband and no I dont blame him and he doesnt blame himself as far as I am aware of. I would never let him think its his fault, it had nothing to do with my husband.As for the MMs wifes perspective I dont know if she thinks its her fault that would be dumb on her part if she ever thought that. If you look back on my post you will see that I have wanted to be divorced for along time but husband insists to stay for the kids so the divorce would be fine for me so as I may move on finally. Staying doesnt make it any better for the girls or for my husband. People do change and fall out of love with someone they have loved I was not in love with my husband for about 2 years BEFORE the affair began So it was not just for me to be with someone else then fall out of love the love was already gone.

[bish]

I know I shouldnt even be asking you the wives for any advice but I really would like to have some feedback on this situation.

I am married and have been having an affair for a long time with MM we got pregnant and he was so excited I wasnt MY husband had a vasectomy and well thats another story.

 

Your husband is shooting blanks? uh oh....I can only imagine what is going on in that poor man's head.

 

Anyway had baby a little boy . Both my husband and his wife know (we also live about 10 miles apart. )My husband is more understanding than I ever thought possible he doesnt want a divorce wants to raise boy as his son.

 

Understanding? Understanding of what? Sounds like a good man though that didn't deserve to be in this situation.

 

Does not want the OM to have anything to do with the baby. The wife is not so understanding why should she be, she refuses to let him see his son wants him to have nothing I mean nothing to do with the baby. He does again behind her back gives me very little money to help with baby I have never asked for ANY money. Well the wife insisted on paternity tests.So we all went for those and well of course was her husbands baby she is still freaking out and wants him to have nothing to do with the baby they have children together. The OM wants to be in our sons life. But neither my husband nor his wife will let this happen? What should I do?

 

Its a hard call, normally I'd have the run of the mill harsh advice and tell you to respect the wishes of the people you both betrayed so badly.

 

But I also love kids and don't want to see them hurt. What will hurt them worse? Growing up thinking your husband is the father, then slowly realizing it isn't the case? Or possibly knowing your H isn't the father and not knowing the real father.

 

Its a tough call. But honestly I'd lean towards letting your H be the father.

#1 because you are damn lucky he didn't put you on the street.

#2 because he is willing to swallow his pride to make sure this kid has as stable a home as possible.

 

You already disrespected him by cheating on a good man. Don't disrespect him further.

[bish]

No kidding but that was my husbands choice from the start. HE could have went down the road but he choose to stay before the baby was born. So whatever his intentions are he choose to stay. I am not holding him here or twisting his arm to stay I told him that It would be better for him and I to get divorced HE choose to stay......

 

Ok then, forget my last advice. Seems like you don't want your husband. And really, you don't deserve such a good man.

 

So now here is my advice. Go ahead and divorce him. And do right by him. Give him custody of your kids....not the one with the MM though obviously.

 

If you want to divorce him, then he deserves that consideration from you.

Do right by this man.....for once.

[Ladyjane14]

If you look back on my post you will see that I have wanted to be divorced for along time but husband insists to stay for the kids so the divorce would be fine for me so as I may move on finally. Staying doesnt make it any better for the girls or for my husband. People do change and fall out of love with someone they have loved I was not in love with my husband for about 2 years BEFORE the affair began So it was not just for me to be with someone else then fall out of love the love was already gone.

 

Most of this is gibberish IMO, just empty rationalizations attempting to justify bad behavior.

Love is a choice... it's a "choice" because it's an action, it's something you do.

 

Frankly, your husband was a fool to take you back and he's a fool to trust you now. You've said quite matter-of-factly that you don't love him and you don't want to be married to him. Maybe you should dig deep and find whatever little shred of honor you might still have left and clue him in.

 

There's nothing that sucks worse than looking back on YEARS of your life, spent and wasted... invested in someone who's unworthy of your devotion. Think about it. That's a fate even WORSE than a dealing with a cheating wife who's wandered home preggers with some other man's child.

 

If you're just staying for the sake of expediency, you're just f*cking him over again and even worse than before. You're wasting his God-given TIME, squandering too many of the good years of his life.

 

Geez.

There's no friggin' rocket science here. Either love your husband like you vowed you would... or leave him.

[NoIDidn't]

OW73 doesn't realize that she is talking like one that is still in the fog of the A. She doesn't love her H anymore, but she hasn't said how she feels about OM yet.

 

ALL the kids are going to hurt when they realize the truth. The outcome of these situations is generally not good. There are exceptions, but they are so rare its nearly impossible to quantify.

 

What I can't understand is why OW73 thinks its okay to torture her BH? He stayed so he has to deal with it? How about grow a backbone of your own and walk if that's what you want to do? Its too late to try to act like the innocent victim whose mean old H threw her out because she got pregnant by another man. Too late because he accepts the child as his own.

 

If OW73 D's her H, you can bet that her OM will not be D'ing his W over one child. Sure he wants to see his child. It helps appease the guilt he feels in not being there to raise that child if it was in his own home like his children of the M with his W. Sure he's willing to defy his W's wishes, for now.

 

Typically the OW/MW in cases involving a child not only get thrown under a bus, they and the poor child get run over by a train too.

 

I feel for everyone involved, including OW73. I hope her fog lifts before too much damage is done. I'm afraid with the whole town knowing, its already too late, though.

[the other woman73]

Thank you for all the good and hard advice everyone has put up here for me. I will go with most of your guys advice and hope that all will fan out in the long run. As for the om no I dont want to divorce my husband because of the om, I do not want to marry the om either. If he leaves his wife I will not be waiting for him, that is not my intentions. Im not in the A fog still. My husband knows and has known for years that I am not in love with him (refer to my earlier posts) as for the baby I have also said he has known (hes fixed) i never kept that from him and I could have some vasectomys do not work. I have been up front and honest through the whole ordeal. I really wanted to hear from other mms wives to help me with want I should do To try and understand the path I should go in respect for mm,bs,and wife. Thanks again

[Ladyjane14]

My husband knows and has known for years that I am not in love with him....

 

That's the saddest part of the whole situation. Because IF there was love within the marriage, this whole thing could be fixed. Without it, there's nothing here to work with.

 

You can certainly enter into some kind of domestic business arrangement with your husband... but feelings will continue to be hurt over the course of time because people aren't getting the loving support they NEED in order to be emotionally healthy. Even the kids suffer... because as far as the children are concerned, you're modeling a dysfunctional marriage, one built on expediency where the innermost needs of it's participants are not addressed. Kids learn alot about what marriage is supposed to be (or not be) by watching their parents.

 

Your husband is probably hoping that you'll one day step out of "the fog" and come back to him. But here you are, claiming you're not "foggy". If that's the God's-honest truth... he's spinning his wheels, waiting. Meanwhile unbeknownst to him, you have this inner monologue going on, "I-do-not-love-my-husband-I-do-not-love-my-husband...".

 

Love is a choice. It's not something that just falls into your lap like infatuation and attraction do. Don't believe for a moment that when you reject loving action for your mate you're not making a choice, because you are. A non-choice is still a CHOICE.

 

Honestly, I can see how a person can fail to love actively and decisively.

I could've sworn at one point that I didn't love my husband.. not romantically anyway. But I've learned that it's fully possible to rediscover love that appeared to be utterly gone. So often, it's just lying dormant, unused to directed activity.

 

Loving actively is all about empathy, consideration, prioritizing your partner's truest needs on the same level as your own. It's about rejecting attitudes and behaviors that impede emotional intimacy. It's about self control of one's own mindset, strictly looking for the best in your mate, letting 'the small stuff' go, accepting that person for 'who they are'. It's about comforting and nurturing. It's about ALOT of things that have nothing whatsoever to do with being 'in heat'.

 

You say you don't love your husband. Are you SURE? Do you know the difference between real love and the Hollyweird version of it?

If you're not sure... maybe you'd do well to slow down and take stock.

 

I really wanted to hear from other mms wives to help me with want I should do To try and understand the path I should go in respect for mm,bs,and wife.

 

The OM's wife most likely wants to turn back the hands of time and make all this NOT happen, to never see or hear of you again. Unfortunately, that's probably not realistic.

 

Your husband, according to your posts, seems to want a similar thing... to move on like nothing has happened. Again, unrealistic.

 

I don't see any reason why your son should not have the opportunity to grow up living in an environment where TRUTH is honored. Bear in mind that 'the truth' is at it's ugliest when it's been previously hidden.

 

A man choosing to marry a woman who already has children from a previous relationship does NOT expect to supplant the natural father. Rather, he becomes the child's step-father, and many are so successful in this that they become an even more positive role model than the natural parent. In today's world of blended families, being a step-parent is not necessarily an unnatural or ineffective role to play in a child's life.

 

What I'm getting to is that I think people involved in this situation need to adjust their expectations in accordance with The Truth. If you read the article I recommended to you, you will have seen that what Dr. Harley recommends is POJA, (the policy of joint agreement). POJA demands that BOTH parties be "enthusiastic" about whatever agreement is made. This "enthusiastic" agreement is what prevents the build-up of resentment and makes the agreement workable in the long term.

 

It sounds to me like you BOTH need to go back to the drawing board, redefine your definition and expectation of a loving, marital relationship.... and decide your children's future with The Truth as paramount.

 

It is possible for you to honor the wishes of the OM's wife in part by engaging a third party, possibly even your husband if he's amenable, to manage the issues of child visitation and support. Respecting both the betrayed parties by maintaining vigilant NO CONTACT with your former affair partner goes a long way toward reassuring them that your intentions are pure.

 

That said, the OM's wife will still be unsatisfied because her expectations are NOT being fully met if she expects the child to have no part in her husband's life. This is NOT something you can effectively address. It's his marriage, and his problem to address. She probably hates you, and that's a natural reaction after a person is betrayed on this level... but she's got to work that out for herself. All you can do is to pose no threat and take the most benign posture you can manage.

[Seen_It_All]

Well, it's kind of understandable that you and your OM aren't having sex - you just had his kid not that long ago and you were pregnant for 9 months before that. Hardly the thing fantasies are made of. Sounds as though you two will probably be at again in the future because you two share a 'fox hole bond' - it's you both against your betrayed spouses. Maybe next time around you can be a little more intelligent about birth control?

 

And I think your statement, patting yourself on the back for being 'honest' about this pregnancy rather than trying to pawn the kid off as your husbands is utterly laughable. The guy's had a vasectomy - he'd never believe your story and you know it. So don't give yourself too much credit there, ok?

 

And don't think for a minute your kids aren't going to hear about their immoral mother and her 'bastard' child all over town. Not MY words, but trust me, the kids will HEAR it. Your MM's wife had every right to tell the entire town about your affair - when you engage in ignorant behavior like this and then devastate all kinds of people, you'd better be prepared for the repurcussions. You should be glad she hasn't kicked your a*ss from here to OshKosh.

 

And your simpering little pansy boy MM is a pathetic excuse for a man and a human being. Doesn't have the stones to do right by his kid so he resorts to the behavior he knows SO well - sneaking and lying. Oh, and DO let your son spend TONS of time with this paragon of virtue, won't you? I'm sure sissy boy will teach his son all kinds of wonderful things - like lying, cheating, deceiving, and how to think with your d*ck and do stupid things like impregnate married women.

 

Stupdity like this should be painful.

[Darth Vader]

Ok then, forget my last advice. Seems like you don't want your husband. And really, you don't deserve such a good man.

 

So now here is my advice. Go ahead and divorce him. And do right by him. Give him custody of your kids....not the one with the MM though obviously.

 

If you want to divorce him, then he deserves that consideration from you.

Do right by this man.....for once.

 

 

Good post! I agree!

[Cobra_X30]

Honestly, you need to get your H on this board. You are not the one that needs advice... or is even in the position to take advice. It upsets me to hear that you are mindraping your kids every day.

 

I dont need a crystal ball to see your kids are going to have BIG issues. Right now Im calling at least 1 drug addict, 1 career criminal and maybe a stripper!

[Lynna]

First of all, you should not stay in a loveless marriage just for the sake of the children. Despite how hard you try to hide things from them - what they will see is a loveless marriage. They will grow up thinking it is normal that Mommy and Daddy never touch, never kiss, never show each other any expressions of love. They will have NO CLUE how to act in their own relationships. It is far better to D and remarry and show them what two adults who love each other act like.

 

You are lying to your children and showing them that it is okay to lie. What are you going to do, get a divorce as soon as they are out of the house and then admit to them you were lying all along? Not only is this son going to need therapy, they all will. You are in a real mess here.

 

If you and your husband do not love each other, get a D. No, you do NOT need to marry the OM. But if you want your son to keep seeing him, then you need to get a D. Your husband who has agreed to raise him does not want the OM in the picture. By continuing to stay married to him and yet continuing to take your son to the OM, you are betraying your H yet again. Personally, if the OW my H had an A with had a son, I would go to court fighting for sole custody of that child because I don't think she is a fit parent. I would want to raise that child as my own without any contact from her just as your H feels. I would want to adopt the child. However, in all probability, your H will never feel the same love toward this child as he does to his own daughters. The son will know that. Your H may also grow to resent this child, especially if you keep taking him to the OM against your H's wishes. He never had a son of his own and his wife has one with another man? Yeah, this kid is in for a very rough life if you stay married to your H. Get a D, get joint custody of your daughters with your H, and allow your son to see the OM as much as you and he want. If the OM wants his son to know his grandparents, then he takes the son to be with them. You stay away from them and from your H's parents too for that matter. Your H can take his daughters to see their grandparents.

 

As for the OM's wife, he needs to deal with that situation. You cannot fix that. Only he can.

 

Yeah, you are in a royal mess. There is NO easy way out of this. You created the mess now you need to figure out what is best for your CHILDREN. They are the highest priority in this whole situation as they are completely innocent. You do NOT want to be responsible for messing them up for the rest of their lives. Get counseling RIGHT NOW for yourself! Own up to your mistakes and get out of your sham of a marriage before you create any more problems for your children.

[Lynna]

As for changing our sons last name my attorney said he (MM) has that right am I being mislead by my attorney?

 

He is absolutely correct. He does have that right. And you should get a D and change your sons name. It is the right thing to do for your son's sake.