pregnant to MM need input from the wife and or husband your input

July 1, 2007

I know I shouldnt even be asking you the wives for any advice but I really would like to have some feedback on this situation.

I am married and have been having an affair for a long time with MM we got pregnant and he was so excited I wasnt MY husband had a vasectomy and well thats another story. Anyway had baby a little boy . Both my husband and his wife know (we also live about 10 miles apart. )My husband is more understanding than I ever thought possible he doesnt want a divorce wants to raise boy as his son. Does not want the OM to have anything to do with the baby. The wife is not so understanding why should she be, she refuses to let him see his son wants him to have nothing I mean nothing to do with the baby. He does again behind her back gives me very little money to help with baby I have never asked for ANY money. Well the wife insisted on paternity tests.So we all went for those and well of course was her husbands baby she is still freaking out and wants him to have nothing to do with the baby they have children together. The OM wants to be in our sons life. But neither my husband nor his wife will let this happen? What should I do? THE OM parents has seen and wants to see this child as well as the OMs entire family. I dont want our son to be the hidden child from her forever and the OM wants his son in his life very badly but I dont know what to do in this situation. I will say I am entitled to 1400 a month from OM for child support but I dont want to do that. Help

July 1, 2007

If this man wants to be in the child's life, he will have to grow some balls and tell his wife so. You also should be getting financial support.

July 1, 2007

IMHO, I think you should stop talking to the MM and cut them both out of your life completely. Your husband seems like a great man. Keep him and be loyal to him and quit seeing the baby's father behind people's backs. If you can stand the thought of your son going to their house without you then pursue child support (because they will probably go after partial custody), otherwise leave it alone and pretend like they don't exist.

July 1, 2007

I would like to pretend they dont exist but guess what. I have never said not one word to the wife but they live next door to my husbands parents. and everytime I go or my husband goes to his parents she comes over and runs her mouth to my husband and his parents She tells my husband how much the child looks like her husband and that my husband will be a good dad to him, and I better never take him for support as she will make her husband get custody of my son, but in the next breath she says that it will be a cold day in hell before my son ever steps foot in their house and I have no right to take my son to her in laws ( my sons grandparents) She has sent letters to my husbands parents telling them I need to watch my back I need to hurt like she is hurting she will never let it go. My husband even told her to let it go and she said never. as they still talk we were all very good friends at one time. THe OM has an attorney she doesnt know about and wants my sons last name changed to his and so on and so on. he still wants a relationship with me, I have not had sex with him again. I only see him so he can see his son.

July 1, 2007

I would like to pretend they dont exist but guess what. I have never said not one word to the wife but they live next door to my husbands parents. and everytime I go or my husband goes to his parents she comes over and runs her mouth to my husband and his parents She tells my husband how much the child looks like her husband and that my husband will be a good dad to him, and I better never take him for support as she will make her husband get custody of my son, but in the next breath she says that it will be a cold day in hell before my son ever steps foot in their house and I have no right to take my son to her in laws ( my sons grandparents) She has sent letters to my husbands parents telling them I need to watch my back I need to hurt like she is hurting she will never let it go. My husband even told her to let it go and she said never. as they still talk we were all very good friends at one time. THe OM has an attorney she doesnt know about and wants my sons last name changed to his and so on and so on. he still wants a relationship with me, I have not had sex with him again. I only see him so he can see his son.

July 1, 2007

He has told her that he wants to be in his sons life and she said no way. He told her that he will never let my husband raise his son. I had no contact with this man for almost 5 months and I mean NO contact at all. started the NC two months before our son was born that was him doing the NC not me. I never ever said one word to them when the baby was born they would run into me in our town she actually started a huge argument with me as I was holding our 8 week old son in the parking lot putting the blame all on me. She will not let her husband go one day without saying something about our affair or about the baby. She calls my husbands parents, and has told the ENTIRE town about me and her husband and her husband has told the ENTIRE town that him and I had a child together. I dont get it why would he do that and why would she do that?BUT i wanted to make it clear that I did not have any contact whatsoever with MM for 5 months he broke the NC and I am left wondering why? I still have feelings for him of course. But as each day goes by it gets easier because would the only reason he is contacting me again is because he cant handle the heat he gets from her at home...

July 1, 2007

THe OM has an attorney she doesnt know about and wants my sons last name changed to his and so on and so on. he still wants a relationship with me, I have not had sex with him again. I only see him so he can see his son.

This is heart-breaking for the child. He's always going to be caught in the middle and it's a no-win situation for him and an end-sum game. Y'all need mediation to come to some meeting of the minds in which YOU PUT THE CHILD FIRST!. You're all adults acting like children and he's a child who's going to have to come to terms with all of this as an adult.

What are the four of you supposed adults thinking? The MM is his father. You're his mother. Your husband and the betrayed wife are his stepparents for all intents and purposes. The child deserves to know and be supported by the other parent and will need to know of his parentage for medical family history reasons if for no other.

You have created a real mess and should be thanking everything and everything you might believe in that your husband is as forebearing as he is. I wouldn't have been and you and the child would have been history! And tell the grandparents to butt out. The four of you have enought to deal with without them further muddying the waters.

Poor child!

July 1, 2007

Thank you I already know this I am not acting like a child The wife and my husband are they dont ever want us to have any contact even if it pertains to our son. I am very thankfull my husband is as forebearing as he is. But I didnt ask him to be. Our marriage has been over for 3 years but for the childrens sake we have stayed in the same home. I love my husband but not in love with him on the other hand my husband never stopped loving me. My husband has done some things that can not be fixed in the past. No no other woman or anything just things. This was not a revenge thing either. But our past is not important here my son to the MM and my other children are most important to me. I want to sit and talk this all out together but both my husband and his wife refuse. I feel like its a game that they both are playing to see who wins I dont want to play games. as for the MM parents umm, we have all been friends for nearly 10 years they meaning MM and wife and myself and husband all have been friends for nearly 10 years their family and our familys as well.

July 1, 2007

Oh. My. God.

I can't even believe that I am reading this. That poor poor child.

This is beyond a "mess". This is an entire lifetime in therapy....the baby boy's entire lifetime that is.

Did anybody ever take into consideration the child... besides H?

This is one of those scenarios where someone goes over the edge and bad bad things happen.

This has to be a troll. It's too unbelievable.

July 1, 2007

So let me see if I have this right.

You have a husband you don't want but who wants the child. MM has a child he also wants but a wife who doesn't yet wants to stay married to him anyway and your husband want to stay married to you regardless.

Meanwhile you only care about the children, your husband's and MM's, and you and your husband think the two of you have been doing them a favor by staying in a loveless marriage for their sakes, complete with rampant infidelity, for the past three years. And you've all been "friends" for the past 10 years.

How am I doing so far?

Bearing in mind that children learn what they live, your children have certainly had some interesting lessons about love, relationship, respect, honor, marriage, fidelity, constancy and remaining faithful, haven't they? Those are the lessons they'll take into their own, future relationships. Just think, in a few years hence, you and your husband can be the grandparents in a situation like this.

Here's my solution. Your husband divorces you and takes the children the two of you have together. The betrayed wife divorces MM and takes the children they might have together. MM supports his children and you provide support for yours. You and MM get together and raise your child on what little's left after all the support is paid. Grandparents are told to go pound sand! Everyone lives happily everafter!

Think of the power. Four fractured families -- yours, MM's, his parent's and your parent's. Not bad for a day's work!

The "game" started long before your husband and MM's wife were brought into it.

July 1, 2007

This has to be a troll. It's too unbelievable.

...this is all too believable when two people care only about themselves, until it comes time to pay the piper!

July 1, 2007

I will say you are correct but I will also say that we my husband and I have always kept our problems to ourselves not involving the children. We have never argued around them or made our personal business their business. It doesnt make the situation right but we have protected our children from our own pain. So as not to bring our children up to be unworthy parents,or spouses. They think that our marriage is perfect and we live in the perfect little home. I just wanted to make that clear about the children. And NO I do not think the answer is to be with the MM in the end.

July 1, 2007

I gotta hand it to you. You are good. But would you consider the poster and MM as fit parents?

If proven to be unfit, who would get baby boy?

Here's my solution. Your husband divorces you and takes the children the two of you have together. The betrayed wife divorces MM and takes the children they might have together. MM supports his children and you provide support for yours. You and MM get together and raise your child on what little's left after all the support is paid. Grandparents are told to go pound sand! Everyone lives happily everafter!

.

July 1, 2007

I dont understand what you mean about a troll? Can you explain? I really hope that we can all come to an agreement for our son. He is only 12 weeks old right now. I hope you are wrong I dont ever want my son to be in therapy for the rest of his life. Do you really see that as a possibility? I am trying to do the best I can for the what I think is the best for our son. Should I just have passed this child as my husbands, no that would have been just as wrong, should I tell the mm he can never ever have any contact with his son. NO that to would be wrong, so I am left with no way to go. I just let the mm determine his destiny with his son. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him be in his sons life even though husband and his wife doesnt want that. I just dont know anymore. Did I mention this is my only son other children to my husband 2 girls.

July 1, 2007

I gotta hand it to you. You are good. But would you consider the poster and MM as fit parents?

If proven to be unfit, who would get baby boy?

...of fit parents but that's a moral judgement which the courts are no longer interested in.

OW73, and I'm assuming that's the year of your birth, children are far more aware and instinctual than I think you give them credit for. That's personal experience talking. I have five children, two stepchildren, seven grandchildren and another on the way (Yeah! I'm an old fart!). This is not something you can hide from them forever, nor should you.

If being with the MM in the end isn't the answer, what is? All of you can't keep this turmoil up forever. Who's going to flinch first and back-down?

What a mess, and I pity the children -- all of them!

Back to my first suggestion of mediation. If this gets to court the judge should order it.

July 1, 2007

You say your utmost concern is the children? Were your children your utmost concern when you became pregnant with MM?

I take that back about BB (baby boy) being in therapy. All your children will be in therapy. What are you going to tell them when BB calls MM dad? When BB goes to visit MM? Calls H dad also? Maybe MM's W Mom? And you Mom also.

They will notice and ask questions. You can count on this.

What do your and H's children tell their friends when their friends begin to ask the same questions?

A troll is someone who comes into a forum and posts outrageous stuff just to get everyone into an uproar.

July 1, 2007

If you respect your H, you will respect his wishes and allow him to raise this child as his own without the input of your FORMER MM. If you wish to remain married to your H, you will follow his wishes.

However

If you want to destroy whatever is left of your M, continue disrespecting your H and M by using this child as an excuse to continue the A, even if the sex has stopped. If you wish to contribute to the further destruction of the OM's M, continue disrespecting his W and M all in the name of your child.

You are putting the child in the middle of this. You are using your child as an excuse to continue seeing and being involved in the OM's life. So is he. The both of you should stop disrespecting your Ms and spouses unless you want to get a Divorce.

His W has every right to demand that he not have anything to do with the child if he wants to stay M'd to her. If he doesn't then he needs to have a little class and tact about himself and ask for a D instead of being a coward and using this child as a way to end his M. His children will not accept this child if its existence is causing this kind of strife in their home. So you would do well to walk away and tend to the raising of your child with your H. Biological parents are not better than adoptive ones, just biological.

I speak from the experience of seeing how my Dad was hated by his dad's family. His dad was my grandma's OM. Its not worth it. Think of what your H is offering your child (he may change his mind). Your H is offering this child a real family and home. I know many who have lived directly through the mess that you are offering this child. Its not worth it. Sure your child loves you now, while they don't know what is going on around them. But when they get old enough to know what is what, Mom is the first one hated, then Dad - then, his own self feeling that it was his fault (the child) that this happened. If he wasn't born from an A. If he didn't cause the destruction of two marriages. But none of that would be true. Every life is a gift and the child should be told this. The adults would be the ones that ruined it for him. Tread carefully. The children are watching.

Oh, and don't change this child's name. The OM has no right to that. Doing so will nail the coffin shut of what's left of your M.

July 1, 2007

I dont know the answer does any one really know the answer to there lives? You seem like you are quite wise. (curmudgeon)What do you think could happen if this goes to court? Does the wife or my husband have ways to sue me or the MM? and why would either one of us be unfit for our son? thats to child of isis. Would someone tell me what a troll is?

July 1, 2007

I will tell you this is not a troll. Why would someone write things like that to make everyone go into an uproar? Never mind the world is filled with people that get their kicks out of watching others get mad. Trust me this is true I am no way lieing or deviating the truth. I wanted some advice and I didnt know that it would be flagged as untrue or a troll as you say. I am sure there are far more worse things out there than what I am going through.

July 1, 2007

see my previous post for the definiton of troll. Also, within my garble, you will find an inkling of what will meet you in court if someone decides to go that route.

They do take into account the children's emotional welfare.

July 1, 2007

Ok child of isis I read your post and I dont understand what an inkling I will meet in court what do you mean by that?

July 1, 2007

I dont know the answer does any one really know the answer to there lives? You seem like you are quite wise. (curmudgeon)What do you think could happen if this goes to court? Does the wife or my husband have ways to sue me or the MM? and why would either one of us be unfit for our son? thats to child of isis. Would someone tell me what a troll is?

No, OW, no one knows the answer and they won't until this plays itself out.

If this goes to court, what will happen will entirely depend upon the filing. The only ones with standing before the court are you and the MM because any filing will necessarily be about custody, visitation and support for your son. Your husband and MM's wife will not, legally, be involved. All either of then can do is file for divorce in the matter and that would be totally separate from the issue(s) at hand. Sueing for divorce would be their only legal recourse.

As for the matter of being unfit, having a child out-of-wedlock by one man while married to another will not be sufficient for a filing regarding fitness. Unless child protective services is involved and there are matters such as physical or emotional abuse of the child or your other children, substance abuse or criminal activities, it won't wash.

I believe Isis defined a troll for you in another response. If you were one you likely wouldn't be asking these questions.

Was I right about your year of birth? If so, you're very young in my mind. I have children older than you are.

You have one hell of a road to travel before you. I hope things work out the best way they can for all the children.

July 1, 2007

I hope you are wrong I dont ever want my son to be in therapy for the rest of his life. Do you really see that as a possibility? I am trying to do the best I can for the what I think is the best for our son.

Yes, I do think he's going to end up needing therapy. And not only him:

It doesnt make the situation right but we have protected our children from our own pain. So as not to bring our children up to be unworthy parents,or spouses. They think that our marriage is perfect and we live in the perfect little home. I just wanted to make that clear about the children

You may think you have protected your kids, or are trying to, but they will soon know the truth about what's going on. And they're likely going to end up with some messed up ideas about relationships and will also need therapy. And you know why I say that? Because of this:

She calls my husbands parents, and has told the ENTIRE town about me and her husband and her husband has told the ENTIRE town that him and I had a child together.

If the entire town knows everything, then how long do you think it's going to be before your children know? It may be a while before your son is old enough to know, but your other kids have friends and they will soon be hearing what's going on at home. And they'll know you've been lying to them about their perfect home and your perfect marriage. And then they won't trust you. And they'll be afraid of what's going to happen next. And that's why they're going to end up in therapy.

Did I mention this is my only son other children to my husband 2 girls.

Does that make your son more important or something? Why does this matter?

Look, you're in a huge mess that none of you seem mature enough to even begin to resolve for the children's best interests. Why not get some help and start going to family counseling. Whoever it is that is currently willing to go - you, your H, the MM, and his W. You all need to go together and figure out how to handle this so your children do not need to suffer more than they will.

And once you've got it sorted out, you and your H should start going to family therapy with your daughters. They're going to need help and they might as well start dealing with the issue now before they hear it from the kids at school and come home in tears.

And you and your H need marital counseling if you intend to stay together.

None of you are capable of handling this on your own, clearly. Get some help before something really bad happens.

July 1, 2007

Concerning court, I was thinking of divorce and custody battles. BH/WW.

Not so much WW/ MM.

See where I am going with this?

July 1, 2007

I think it can work both ways. BH wants child. MM wants child. OW wants child. BW doesn't want child.

I think it can be bargain days in the family court. Two divorces for the price of one!

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