daphne Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I started seeing someone that started off like gangbusters. He told me he was really into me, willing to lay it on the line but felt like I was holding back too much. This was week 1. I told him I wanted to take things slowly and see where it goes. I didn't want an infatuation, or something that starts off great but goes nowhere due to incompatibility. He backed off. We start to get to know each other. We become intimate. In the meantime, since the big discussion he has been playing hard to get to a certain extent. I cut him slack for some time, knowing that he's afraid of getting hurt like I am. However, I have broached the subject now several times that I"m moving towards him and he has been distant. He's no longer gangbusters and he doesn't make plans and although he calls me a lot, we don't say a lot of meaningful things in hours of conversation. I do not feel like a priority. In the beginning, I felt like I was THE priority. Last week while he was away I told him about the distance and he said he'd make it up to me. We've seen each other briefly since he got back and he's making plans to see all of his friends. He calls all of the time to check up on me but is clearly not interested in seeing me right now. I bruoght it up again. I was trying to tease him and give hima hard time by asking why he never makes plans with me. He got defensive and turned it around (typical male response) and I got very sensitive because it's not the first talk like this and he clearly isn't making anything up to me. I told him that I wouldn't ask him again, that I was simply letting him know that I wanted to see him. I put myself on the line there and I wish I hadn't. I also told him that when I tell him how I feel he tends to turn things around instead of hearing me out. That we can't just tell each other how we feel and find a solution. After becoming frustrated and feeling rejected, I ended the call. I have been trying to be patient and just see where things go. I know that I became overly sensitive, but I'm tired of saying the same thing and getting no results. When I talk to female friends, of course the response is "they're all alike, dump him." But I don't think that's the answer to everything. Maybe it is here, but I don't know him well enough to know if this is something we can work around and eventually communicate better what we need or if he just really doesn't wnat a relationship. He is very busy with work a lot and other things going on in his life, but I do know that he was just as busy when we first met and he couldn't wait to see me. I feel like I'm avoiding the obvious. Perhaps his feelings weren't sincere to begin with and he was infatuated and maybe now that he's not getting what he wanted he's lost interest. I gave him the benefit of teh doubt, that maybe he did want to make me happy by taking it slowly, but I don't know how much room for doubt there is left. Basically, is he just not that into me or am I being impatient?
christo1 Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Dear Daphne, I found myself thousand times in your shoes, and can understand precisely were you come from. Unfortunately there is no clear answer to what you are asking, but it seems that he likes you but not enough. Perhaps he is scared, perhaps he just like the thrill of the chase, perhaps he is seeing more than one woman. It doesn’t mean that he is not caring for you or has any feelings, but they are not as strong as yours obviously (at the moment at least). I suppose you are left with a feeling of injustice that makes you wander why you went through all these and that if he didn’t started it you wouldn’t have. You just have to think of what it is you need from a man, what he must have and what you can accept. Dating is like a roller coaster. You never know where it goes. I hope I help you a bit, sorry for my English I am not from an English speaking country. I hope it all works out for you and for me and that whatever the outcome (remember love s very hart to find for all of us-that’s why its special) I hope it is respectful to your person. Dont forget I am not an expert and I am not him. I simply advice you to decide on what you want in a relationship. You cant change him or get in his mind but you do know how his behaviour affects you. xxx
Freedom Now Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Pull back. Don't be available all the time. If he wants you, he will come find you.
Author daphne Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 I suppose you are left with a feeling of injustice that makes you wander why you went through all these and that if he didn’t started it you wouldn’t have. Thanks for your response Christo. Yes, this is exactly how I'm feeling. I wouldn't have any expectations if he hadn't started the ball rolling and pull back. He called to talk about it today, and contrary to my nature, I told him how I felt. He seems to think I'm overanalyzing things and that he simply hasn't been in town much lately to see me. I know in my gut it's more than that. I also know how proud I am and I don't like the bait and switch. I won't put up with this for long. I don't want to have to talk someone into wanting to be with me. They either do or they don't. Although he gets me to talk about howI feel, his responses aren't particularly reassuring. He doesn't remind me that he has feelings for me and would like to see me more. He's just "busy". He wants to come over today and even though I'm still feeling conflicted, I guess I'll see how it goes. I'm not the kind of girl that usually starts complaining about not seeing someone. It's usually the other way around. And if I start feeling too insecure about things, I know I'll have to leave because it's just not right. I'm struggling not to just move on because I"m disappointed. Freedom, After today, I will do that. I know that men like to pursue and if he really wanted to be with me, I wouldn't have to talk him into anything. There are other guys with whom things will run a bit smoother. If we can't get on the same page, I owe it to myself to find one.
justagirliegirl Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Are you two exclusive? Was it actually discussed? I would just blow him off. Life is too short to put up with games like that. His busy is just an excuse. He was just as busy when you two first started seeing each other. He wants to come over and do what? Loaf around your place and have sex? I hope you don't do that.
kymberann Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Hi Daphne, I am almost right there with you. I got a guy who I know likes me but perhaps "not enough". Plus there are other things like his ex. read my post trying to convince...... What sucks is the dissapointment of it. I would not have started anything with this guy had he not started it first and now it's just Blah.... I say be less available too, be busy, make him miss you. That is what I am going to do. However what bothers me is thatduring the time I got involved with this guy I put off my other social life, so now I have to re work that. Uggghh. Anyway, just take care of yourself!
Author daphne Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 Are you two exclusive? Was it actually discussed? I would just blow him off. Life is too short to put up with games like that. His busy is just an excuse. He was just as busy when you two first started seeing each other. He wants to come over and do what? Loaf around your place and have sex? I hope you don't do that. Yes, we're supposed to be exclusive. It was discussed. I tend to agree with the rest of what you said. I don't know what we're going to do, but until I feel like this isn't a convenience thing, I'm cutting him off. My esteem has taken a shot already.
Author daphne Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 What sucks is the dissapointment of it. I would not have started anything with this guy had he not started it first and now it's just Blah.... I say be less available too, be busy, make him miss you. That is what I am going to do. However what bothers me is thatduring the time I got involved with this guy I put off my other social life, so now I have to re work that. Uggghh. Anyway, just take care of yourself! Sorry to hear you're going through it too. Sometimes guys don't wnat what they get when they get it. Fortunately, I still have my social life fully in tact so I don't have to start over. I'll take a look at your post.
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 He is very busy with work a lot and other things going on in his life, but I do know that he was just as busy when we first met and he couldn't wait to see me. I feel like I'm avoiding the obvious. I've been in your shoes before, and unfortunately I gotta say that you've already answered your own question.
christo1 Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I am in the U.K. for 1 year and came for studying. My tutors though seem too busy with flirting than with teaching me anything. I, stupid and alone took their (believe me very obvious and strong flirting as something more and because I am a bit more sensitive and hate it I found my self being infatuated. When they notice I felt something their behaviour changed. They stopped talking to me. And I, not knowing the culture or their system and yes wanting to learn and move on, felt like ****. No, I haven’t done anything with them. But I felt. And that s enough. Why do we tend to like people who don’t like us and cant see the reality of them not wanting us? Instead we embrace every single action they do, even the ones that are clearly rejective towards our person and we recreate the story of what has happened in a way that suits us. This destruction of reality makes us small in front of the eyes of the loved one that gains his/her confidence by our illogical admiration to his or her person. I am sick of this loving and longing for the wrong person syndrome. It is true you cannot know from the beginning who will be the one and who not, but you can recognize in time who appreciates you and makes an effort to get to know you and who only flirts and when he /she get a feedback withdraws and behaves as she or he never have been interested. And it’s probably the truth they haven’t been interested. They were most likely just looking for a casual flirt or an ego boost. Perhaps sex without attachment. Is it bad? Well principally no. But…if they do use you to feel better and they are being disrespectful to your feeling, well they are being *******s. The issue then is not how they feel or what will happen with them and you, but how will you break the emotion al attachment and move on to people who do respect you and your feelings. It is hart I know. You mind keeps on playing games that they might be shy or they might have interpreted your feeling. Well in that case you have to consider if it is worth making a last try. But when you make a move and they don’t respond, it is a clear rejection. And then you do move on. Because we don’t appreciate and love people who don’t appreciate and love us. We are looking for the ones who do. So…
tanbark813 Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Wait.. So if I read your post right, he was all into you at the beginning but felt you were holding back. You told him you wanted to take things slow and then he backed off. He basically did what you asked for and now that's not what you want? This is why men die sooner than women.
Author daphne Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 tanbark, lol. this is how men and women see differently. Glad you posted. I have heard that from a few of my male friends and I saw the logic before they mentioned it. This is why I've had a hard time making any kind of decision. I got what I asked for. And honestly, he has been gone and busy a lot. He called me while he was working when he wasn't supposed to be working. He has called me a lot. It's just the quality of his affection has degraded considerably and I definitely am not the priority when he gets back into town. I feel basically like he thinks he already has me and will see me when it's convenient. This happens in every relationship, but usually not after a week. We talked about it yesterday, and he said that he hadn't made any conscious effort to slow anything down, so that's not it. And from my experience with guys in teh past, a little less interest from a girl is not a strong deterrent to pursuing her. If anything, they pursue harder which is what he did with me in the beginning when he thought I wasn't interested. It's something else. My only guess is a loss of interest due to reciprocation. He had a lot of reasons for why he hasn't wanted to spend more time with me when he's in town, but they sound like excuses. I wish your theory were true. But the more I showed interest, the less he seems to want to see me and prefers to hang out with his buddies when he gets back to town.
Author daphne Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 Christo, Thanks for the response. I have definitely had infatuations before with people that have sent mixed signals and it is frustrating. However, this isn't quite the same thing. This guy actually pursued a relationship with me, and now is putting me on the back burner. He's still trying, however. He's just reached complacency pretty early on which isn't what I'm looking for.
christo1 Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 oh...no. i m not saying its the same. i just took the change to start writing about my complaints with life. I think that the only one who can help is time. I hope u re feeling better already!
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