Walk Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Can you suggest ways to bring up problems I'm having that are non-accusatory, and are healthy ways to air problems? I'd like to discuss them with the bf, but I'm not sure how to bring it up in a way that will foster discussion. What are some ways that a person could approach a discussion (that could evoke strong emotions) while making the other person comfortable in discussing it? Ie: not feel defensive, or threatened, or blamed. How do you bring up problems that are bothering you in a relationship? And how does your partner react to it? I'm having some problems that I'd like to bring up, but these are highly sensitive issues that could cause him to become defensive quite easily. And I don't want to approach them like a bull in a china shop. Yet I'm not quite sure how best to approach it.. For instance, I think his medication has caused him to lose complete interest in sex, but I'm really frustrated by this. How do I discuss this without making him feel like he's less than a man? And his new job now makes it impossible for us to spend more then a few hours on the weekend together. I end up feeling like I have to wait around for him to have time for me. But he's kind of stuck as far as jobs go. Not like he can just quit and get a new one next week. So my whining about it might put him on the defensive because he can't change things right now.. yet this is a real problem for me. How can I approach it? I can't bite my tongue on this, and yet, I'm don't want to repeat bad behaviors I have. How do normal, healthy individuals air their problems that promote comprimise and discussion?
norajane Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I've found that asking questions can help - ask him what he thinks and how he thinks the issue can be resolved, what ideas he might have, if he's been wondering the same thing. Also, make sure you mention something positive alongside the negative. I'm having some problems that I'd like to bring up, but these are highly sensitive issues that could cause him to become defensive quite easily. And I don't want to approach them like a bull in a china shop. Yet I'm not quite sure how best to approach it.. For instance, I think his medication has caused him to lose complete interest in sex, but I'm really frustrated by this. How do I discuss this without making him feel like he's less than a man? You've been on your new medication for 3 months now. How do you feel? Is it helping you? (this gives him a non-threatening opening to the topic, and a chance to maybe even bring up the sex problem - he could say, i feel great, but i have no sex drive. or he might not, so continue) I've noticed you've been a lot [more relaxed, energetic, whatever is positive about the drugs]. I'm so happy you're feeling better! (shows him that you care, and like you're in it together) Are you experiencing any side effects? (here is where he should mention the sex thing. guys are all about sex, so he HAS to have noticed. but if he doesn't, then you have to continue...) Have you noticed any changes in your sex drive? I've heard a lot of medications can have that affect, and we haven't had as much sex as we usually do. Do you think you're experiencing that side effect? And his new job now makes it impossible for us to spend more then a few hours on the weekend together. I end up feeling like I have to wait around for him to have time for me. But he's kind of stuck as far as jobs go. Not like he can just quit and get a new one next week. So my whining about it might put him on the defensive because he can't change things right now.. yet this is a real problem for me. How can I approach it?Again, start with questions: How do you like your new job? (theoretically, he could say, i'm glad i'm working again, but it sucks because we can't spend much time together. Surely he's noticed as well?) I'm really proud of you for not giving up and continuing to look until you found something. It's a shame it means we have less time to spend together...I miss seeing you as often. Do you think we can figure out how to squeeze more time in? What do you think of scheduling time in advance, so we can be sure to have at least one full day a week together? I'd love to hear any ideas you might have. I've also found that touching him while having these kinds of discussions makes it less threatening. Do it while you're on the couch and you're sitting on his lap, or while you're holding his hand while on a walk together, or touching his leg while you're in the car. Don't stare directly into his eyes, like across a table - that can feel challenging. Sit next to him instead.
jcster Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Wow, that's great advice! I've never known how to bring up sensitive issues either, and I'm filing you advice away for a rainy day.
Author Walk Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Norajane those are awesome suggestions! Do you think it'd be bad manners to print off your post and read the questions to him? hah j/k Ok.. I'll post an update on the success of the attempt afterward.
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