Ormolu611 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 My ex of nearly 10 years uncerimoniously broke up with me over dinner a little over 4 months ago. She had considered leaving for some time and finally got up the courage to do so I guess, despite my best efforts to salvage the relationship. This devestated me - initially, though I am doing better now. I was always very good to her but she claimed that she lost her identity in me, whatever that means. Anyway, she left her stuff over at my place after breaking up with me. We went straight into no contact. It was not until over a month later that she made a very feeble attempt to get her stuff back. I was not available at the time that she wanted to come over so she dropped back into no contact for 2 months and seemingly abandoned the effort. Fast forward two months and she contacts me out of the blue to get her stuff and to give me my stuff back. She felt that she needed to do this at the time because of other outside circumstances. So, she waits to the last minute and calls me out of the blue and arranges to pick up her stuff when she could not afford to wait any more. So she comes over that night and picks up what will fit in her car. She brings over my stuff at the same time. Suprisingly, she decides to linger and wants to chat for a few minutes, (after talking to me so harshly when she broke up with me!). She wants to know how I had been, (laughable after treating me so badly) and told me a little about what she had been up to even though I did not ask. She wept slightly at times saying how difficult it is to talk with me and face me since we were together for so long - (then why stay and talk then?) Anyway, after about 15 to 20 minutes of this, I cut it short and said I had somewhere to be, which in fact I did (a date). The entire time though, I was very polite to her. Here is my question. She could not get all of her stuff in her car on that trip. Another month has passed since this happened with no contact again. I have not initiated any contact myself. Should I continue to wait indefinitely (maintain no contact) or should I call her and politely tell her to come get the rest of her stuff as I do not see the reason that this should be dragged on any longer? Should I continue to leave the ball in her court since she is the one who left me or should I step up? I mean, it's been four months! How long is this process supposed to take?
child_of_isis Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Well the SO (of 13 years) packed his bags...but he left a lot of "stuff". Now, IMO, leaving "stuff" is all about being able to keep a hold on both you and the relationship. They are able to call or drop over on a whim in order to collect something of theirs that you have. It was not important enough to take the first go round, but somehow it becomes very vital they have it now. See where I am going with this? My SO tried to leave behind 4 truckloads of stuff. That was enough crap to own me forever. I called in his brothers and told them to get it gone. Of course the SO fought it tooth and nail. Get the stuff gone.
funkybassplayer Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 As much as it hurt me and i knew as above it was a point of contact, i sent back all my exs stuff including a cheque, and let some things of mine that she still has and its LD go. She after a week of our split (SHE DUMPED ME) met a new guy, and it was paintful in i was'nt allowed contact with her or the kids. In a strange twist of fait, a cheque that i sent to her for £300 will not be honured as my bank changed hands and all post dated cheques will not be valid. I emaied her to let her know, but will wait to see if she contacts me regarding the cheque!
Author Ormolu611 Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Well the SO (of 13 years) packed his bags...but he left a lot of "stuff". Now, IMO, leaving "stuff" is all about being able to keep a hold on both you and the relationship. They are able to call or drop over on a whim in order to collect something of theirs that you have. It was not important enough to take the first go round, but somehow it becomes very vital they have it now. See where I am going with this? My SO tried to leave behind 4 truckloads of stuff. That was enough crap to own me forever. I called in his brothers and told them to get it gone. Of course the SO fought it tooth and nail. Get the stuff gone. Yes, this is probably the direction that I have been leaning. I think that it has been on my mind as to what the hell is going on for it to take sooo long for her to come and get this stuff. It has confused me because I know that if I left someone the way she left me, I would think that it would be awkward to leave my stuff over at their place for months on end. I mean, it would take a few minutes to get it and we would be done! We have not hardly spoken in 4 months. I have gotten conflicting advice from friends and family as to whether I should insist that she come pick everything up or if I should simply not worry about it. My parents tell me not to worry about it. "Don't sweat it" my Dad says. The thing is, with this stuff here, it provides yet one more thing for me to think about and wonder about and question. It is an unresolved issue. Coping is demanding enough without any complications and it really does take a lot of effort and energy to deal with.
Lizzie60 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I would call her and tell her she has 'until this date' to pick up the rest of the stuff otherwise you'll send everything to the Salvation Army... No more childish games... it's been a month since... that's waaayyy too long...she should have picked up the rest the next day or the next week... no more excuses from her... That's what I would do.
funkybassplayer Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 if i were you i would put it in boxes and leave it outside her door or at one of her friends. Dont worry about what and when she wants it. It s not fair to you to keep looking at her stuff, and the sooner its oit of your way, the quicker it will bother you and help you move on.
Lizzie60 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 maybe she wants him to pack it up and deliver it to her door. If I were to pack the stuff in boxes... etc... I would take the whole thing to the homeless.... not to her door...but that's just me and I am MEAN. LOL
Woggle Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Pack it all in boxes and give her a week to pick it up. If she doesn't pick it up some homless lady will have some new clothes.
Lizzie60 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 ha ha well i like a mean woman! Hummm...that's quite unusual...LOL
funkybassplayer Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Hey Lizzie i posted on coping this morning (what do you guys think) id like to know if you think i should email my ex. Thanks.
Author Ormolu611 Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 maybe she wants him to pack it up and deliver it to her door. If I were to pack the stuff in boxes... etc... I would take the whole thing to the homeless.... not to her door...but that's just me and I am MEAN. LOL I agree . . . I am not vindctive, but I am not going to be doing her any favors at this point either. She will have to arrange it herself. If she wants to send someone to pick it up, fine. Maybe I am MEAN too? Anyway, I think that you guys have convinced me to do what I need to do. I will call her I think and get this over with once and for all. Will let you know how it goes.
Lizzie60 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 get it over with... no favours like you say... Good luck, let us know...
Lizzie60 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Hey Lizzie i posted on coping this morning (what do you guys think) id like to know if you think i should email my ex. Thanks. I am on my way out now... I will check it out when I come back... I am going to visit new houses... wooohooooo with a friend of mine...
AriaIncognito Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I agree with the other posters. Give her a deadline and then stick to it. When my ex and I broke up this last time I gave him everything in a bag that same day. I wasn't fooling around. The first time we had broken up I had some of his stuff and I always wondered when/if he'd contact me to get it back so as people say, it becomes a hold on you even if you don't realize it. Get it out so you can move on. Hey FBP, i can be mean ;-) hehe
Author Ormolu611 Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 . . . I had some of his stuff and I always wondered when/if he'd contact me to get it back so as people say, it becomes a hold on you even if you don't realize it. Get it out so you can move on. Exactly. Well, I have done it. I called, left a message simply stating that I had been wondering when she was planning on picking up her stuff and that I would like to see it picked up this week. She called back a little later saying that she could pick the stuff up tomorrow. Done deal! I am suprised about how good it feels . . . I really did not expect this. I feel like I finally took a stand and asserted that I am moving the hell on and that I do not want her stuff around anymore chaining me in any way to her. Her voice sounded thin and stressed. I feel relieved and actually feel okay. I do not even care about seeing her tomorrow and I am relieved that it is not an issue for me. Can't be bothered. Might I be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? I hope so.
AriaIncognito Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Good for you! Let us know how it goes. I'm sure it will be smooth sailing from here :-)
funkybassplayer Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 i had my ex stuff not much a few cds and money i owed her, i put it all in a pack and posted it all back. I felt i had to do it to aid moving on. In a twist though one cheque for £300 i had post dated it end of august will not be valid as the bank changed hands! do things happen for a reason? Well i emailed her to let her know this, and waiting on new cheque book etc. But how i got treated by her in the end, false promises, i feel like keeping it! (and i must have done about 2 grands worth of work in her house!)
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