funkybassplayer Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Hi guys, im starting to slowly get over my ex, she has a new guy, but at the end of our relationship i accepted friendship (which she then told me not to contact her after 2 weeks due to new relationship) . I feel bad about accepting friends as at the time i did want to walk away, but she said i can be part of the kids lives and she was crying, (all now i think strange as she was easy to drop that freinship) a) do you think it made me look that i took freinds too lightly, and b) i want her to know that i was with her for the long run. I felt that i never told her these things, and wondering if you can give me your tips as too weather i should email her. i have been in no contact for about 3 weeks, and doing well wth it, but of course i miss her and the 3 kids very much, and never got to say goodbye to them. I think that she is oblivious to how i feel about that, but to me it would be good if i got the chance to say bye to them. My gut feeling is email her, but at the same time, i know shes with someone new, and i have done well, just leaving them to it. Its just i would'nt like her thoughts of me that i didnt care. I accepted her new guy and the end far to readilly, but im like that, put up a brave face. What do you think, email or not? There still has to be contact down the line as i owe her money and she has something of mine. I am making some huge changes in my life, im 41, and selling my house, and banking a fair sum, and treating myself to a porche, but i have this last niggle in me, that maybe she thinks i didnt really care in the end. the fact was i did very much, but i was emotionally drained and confused. (maybe i should drive up in my porche and give her moeny to her and get my stuff!!!) but thats not my way! Oh was LDR I guess she thinks im with someone new, as last time i spoke to her, i said i was ready to date, but everytime i get the date i cancel, so i have decided to stay single and get to know me again while im going through the house sale etc. She knew i found the relationship hard as it was ld and her relationship with her ex hubby and her kids and her need to club and get chatted up for her own well good feelings left question marks in my mind. I dont hink i want the relationship back, but i feel im not settling compleatly with me, but i guess maybe this is natural, and ten weeks since the split, i feel im doing so well considering. I know im not over her by a long shot, i mean a whole family and a way of life that might have been, but im over the worst i think. I was thinking along the lines of; 'I know you'ved moved on, but i wanted you to know that when i accepted freindship, it was because i wanted to be part of yours and the kids lives still, and i was in the relationship for the long run, even if i was'nt prepeard to sell up at the time, i would have when i felt sure that it was the right time.' Just for the record guys, time would have been right when she would divorce her hubby as he owned half of everything and i would have bought him out, and going out for attention would stop! and she would divote more time to her kids. Thats what i felt was wrong, and was preventing me from commiting 100% i guess it was a gut feeling that it was'nt right, but i was willing to wait and see if things would have changed. I guess if she loved me she would have stuck with me, and going to another guy so fast, after me (not even a week) , maybe she did'nt think as much of the relationship as i though. ?
AriaIncognito Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I'll be honest, I didn't read your entire post. I got through the first paragraph and stopped because what's screaming in my head is this.... YOU CANNOT BE JUST FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH When I broke up with my ex (well he wanted to split) he wanted to be friends and honestly I tried to be, but it's impossible when you're always thinking of the good times or wondering if they'll change their minds, etc. It's hell on you. Now, he's stopped talking to me anyway (even though we didn't go NC) because HE found another girl to boost his ego so he no longer needs mine. *********. I guess my friendship was only 1 sided too. So, please, give this a lot of thought, but I'd recommend not staying friends, for your sake.
Art_Critic Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 YOU CANNOT BE JUST FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH I have to agree with this.. one person will anyways want something the other isn't going to provide.. I also think you need to get over the whole kids thing.. they weren't yours.. As someone who spent 5 years as a stepfather I know how much it hurts.. But you can never change the fact that they are NOT your kids.. ever.. Those kids will need to grow up without you in their lives.. I'm still in contact with my StepDaughter.. even 6 years after the divorce.. It really is all up to her though.. She is 15 and makes up her own mind on whether she wants me in her life.. I can never be her father..she has one of those.. and I'm not longer really in her life anymore.. just a few phone calls.. B-days.. Holidays.. that kind of stuff.. Time for you to put this relationship in your past and move on from her...
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Thanks i know that this was not right for me, and i havent sent am email as yet, but i guess i feel that i invalidated the relationship by agreeing to her to stay freinds at the time of the break-up. I know you guys are right, and i know i must not send anything and just keep out the way. Im better with it all, but its just some feelings that feel i should let her know for me i guess to feel at ease. but really, i guess it doesnt really matter now and the best thing i can do is stay out of there lives.
Art_Critic Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Time to go out and Woo another.. there is one around the corner.. Put that smile on and get back on that horse...
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Art do you think i should send this? [FONT=Arial] I wanted you to know that I loved you all in the relationship, and being friends was so I could be part of your lives. Didn’t want you to think any different, [/FONT] [FONT=Arial] Rich x [/FONT]
Art_Critic Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 No.. If she wasn't with another I might feel differently.. but she has a another BF and your email will not even come close to coming across how you want it to.
confused2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Hey FBP, Do NOT send the email. You HAVE to move on without her. Be strong! There is no such thing as closure - if that's the reason why you're sending the email. Your heart has a scab on it and the more you pick, the more you open it up. Let it heal. By the way, time heals nothing. It's what you do with your time that determines how fast you heal. I know you can be strong. You CAN do it and you WILL be happy again.
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Yes guys i know your right, im really feeling ok, and am selling house and gonna treat myself for a while, im glad you can see how i want it to come over, but as you say, wont do any good. I have to be strong and have been for me and for her, she does'nt want me poppin in here and there, maybe one day she might, but i am going forward slowly. She has to contact me at some point regarding money, so will see if at that time i still feel the same to say something. Thanx.
Lizzie60 Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 I tend to agree with the others... it is hard to remain friend with someone we're still in love with... But if a letter will make you feel better about yourself and you feel that there are things that you need to tell her... maybe you can write one and send it to her but, if I were you, I would wait a few months... or whenever you feel you have moved on....
AriaIncognito Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 If you're going to write that in order to try to gain some sort of closure, don't. I've been contemplating that very thing with my ex who has been in and out of my life for a year now. I have this "need" to "tell him how I feel" about how he's been acting. But you know what? It wont change anything. On top of that, it'll make him feel like he still has a strong hold on me, and honestly, he doesn't. I'm not sitting home pining over him (maybe 1 day a month or two and really i think it's no longer HIM but the idea of who i thought he was) and I'm getting out and making new friends and have a much richer social life than I could ever have when I was with him because he wouldn't even meet my friends. I've wanted to email him to tell him how great it was of him to "drop" me, (we were being friends) as soon as he started to date someone, even though we were supposedly friends. But again, what good would that do. My letter wouldn't make him give a sh*t nor would it make him and I what I wanted us to be. It could serve to hurt me more, if he were to respond back. You're doing well and NC and all that. I know it's hard, but you really are doing what's best for you. had I stuck with NC 1 year ago when we broke up initially (June of 06) then I'd not be sitting here with all these emotions still today. I'm sure of that. Heck I might even be with a new guy if I had stuck with NC.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 Yes i know, i get these terrible moments of weakness, but in my head i think, no point, youl just look like a weak jack ass. at least this way im showiing respect to her (which is really important for me ) and to her new guy,, and by that i mean i havent lowered myself to a grovling fool for him to laugh at, (i did but only on one initial email after she tossed my freindship away, and that deeply hurt me) i know in my heart that i was trying to hold on to her and the family by accapting freinship, and pretended that i was cool with freinds, and staying that way would have destroyed me. I feel that her request right at the end of the relationship to stay friends seemes so genuine, and i cant belive that she would drop me just like that, two weeks after begging to stay freinds, but she has, and nothing i can say will do good, only harm. I mean lets face it, me saying i loved you tons in the relationship makes no odds now. I did and stuck by her even when i should have walked away from this complicated woman. and it was hard for me to feel secure with her. I guess im hoping in her heart that one day she will stop and think i loved them all, and for me to leave them alone took alot of tears and horrible days alone, and i did it because i had to, and also because i love her enough to respect her wishes. Ok its helping me cope, but if one day this person will come back to my life as a friend, i will be happy, but meanwhile i will carry on healing and doing what i feel will make things right for me.
qunett Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 As with most other posters, my recommendation is to move on, and suspend all contact w/her and the children. If the children contact you, that's one thing - but at this point, you shouldn't take the initiative. I recently contacted my ex after 6 months of NC because I heard his dad was ill (turned out his dad actually died). I wish I had never called him. The conversation was so cold and distant on his part. Took me back to square one in my healing which at this point is 15 months and counting. I also agree with other posters that it all gets easier with time. However, I'm not so sure that "doing things" to help you get over it really helps. Since we broke up (March 06), I've traveled to Peru, Mexico, Ireland, and Arizona, taken Spanish Classess, bought and decorated a newly built home, stayed active in my church, began a new job assignment which has added about 10-15 hours to my work week, and had another guy pursue me (right after the break-up last year. My head was still too messed up to really jump in with both feet; the pursuerer and I just decided to be friends - and then even that friendship ended when I found out he was a big fat liar who had actually still been married and had another girlfriend on the side (who called me to find out who I was!) when he was trying to romance me. Thank God nothing physical ever transpired between up). Even with all that "activity", I still love and miss my ex-fiancee. Can't imagine there is someone better for me. Literally, everything I'd wanted in a lifepartner he had - down to the fact he wore glasses and could build things! He was my best friend. I've never connected with anyone like I did with him. However, I'm gonna keep moving on and will NEVER contact him again. I just turned 40, so I don't want to waste a lot more time dealing with this issue - yet, I know it's the passage of TIME that will be the biggest contributer to my healing. P.S. Funkybassplayer: On another, more positive note: By chance, do you appreciate the music of Level 42 and the great bass player Mark King? They are my favorite band of all time!
9Lives Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 As with most other posters, my recommendation is to move on, and suspend all contact w/her and the children. If the children contact you, that's one thing - but at this point, you shouldn't take the initiative. I recently contacted my ex after 6 months of NC because I heard his dad was ill (turned out his dad actually died). I wish I had never called him. The conversation was so cold and distant on his part. Took me back to square one in my healing which at this point is 15 months and counting. Even with all that "activity", I still love and miss my ex-fiancee. Can't imagine there is someone better for me. Literally, everything I'd wanted in a lifepartner he had - down to the fact he wore glasses and could build things! He was my best friend. I've never connected with anyone like I did with him. However, I'm gonna keep moving on and will NEVER contact him again. I just turned 40, so I don't want to waste a lot more time dealing with this issue - yet, I know it's the passage of TIME that will be the biggest contributer to my healing. P.S. Funkybassplayer: On another, more positive note: By chance, do you appreciate the music of Level 42 and the great bass player Mark King? They are my favorite band of all time! This was a good posting. I have alot of the same feelings for my ex that you did for yours. THAT is what makes it so hard. I still love him and I want him back. I will not contact him. I will not do anything to bring us together whatsoever because of him. Plus if I contacted him and he acted okay and it was not bothering him and it is no big deal...I would die. I dont want to experience that. NC is painful but it is best...the pain goes away eventually from what I have been told. I dont know yet.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 P.S. Funkybassplayer: On another, more positive note: By chance, do you appreciate the music of Level 42 and the great bass player Mark King? They are my favorite band of all time! Leve; 42 great band, i saw them last year again, with my ex in birmingham, mark king is the coolest man, i love to slap the bass myself, its always a party piece at gigs! On another note, i really am after 2 months feeling 70% good, thats great as i was only 50% of me in the relationship!! and im doing the things for me, i sort of moved here bt accident, but looking forward to selling banking a good amount renting a nice place in the sticks upfrount for a year, and buying that porche! was just looking at dealer websites and getting exited! No this is for me i have really thought am i doing this cos of the break, but im not, I love the house, but want to do different things now. As long as i keep that ump sum in the bank, ill still have the equity.
Yamaha Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 If you really want to stay in her kids lives then I would just send a B-card on their birthdays and maybe a card at Christmas. Do not email her to get her approval. If she values you at all she will give the cards to her children and let you go on with your life. You really can't stay friends and she knows it, as well as you.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 NO the kids are nothing to do with me now. i did my bit for them, and bonded with them, especially the little one, and looked after them and spent on them. I couldnt do any more now, and to be honest i dont want to. They came with the mum, if shes out of my life, so are they, if one day she or they want to say hi, thats ok too.
qunett Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Plus if I contacted him and he acted okay and it was not bothering him and it is no big deal...I would die. I dont want to experience that. Yeah, that's what hurt the most: not hearing the old excitement and joy he used to have in his voice when I would call. Actually, when he returned my original call (he didn't pick up when I first rang him) and I said hello, he didn't even recognize my voice! Talk about hurt on top of hurt. Whatever. I'm not gonna be a glutton for punishment. Stickin' to the NC rule will save me a lot of heartbreak and will expedite the healing process, I'm sure...I hope ... BTW: I just found another string on this forum that has a lot of great advice on the benefits of NC. If you haven't already read it, here's the link - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/
Lizzie60 Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 NO the kids are nothing to do with me now. i did my bit for them, and bonded with them, especially the little one, and looked after them and spent on them. I couldnt do any more now, and to be honest i dont want to. They came with the mum, if shes out of my life, so are they, if one day she or they want to say hi, thats ok too. Although it is sad for the kids and you.. they must have loved you...you need to stay away... no need to f*ck up their lives any more than they probably are now.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 Although it is sad for the kids and you.. they must have loved you...you need to stay away... no need to f*ck up their lives any more than they probably are now Very good point, i would have arguments with their mum for leaving them to go out clubbing and stuff, when she could take them out. The kids were lost, and i would tell her that. As i siad i did my bit and they loved me, but the new guy in her life (who after a week was staying at the mums house) poor kids what must be going through thier heads. Shes so selfish..............but its not my problem. i did everything i could for them, took them to butlins, gave the boy bass lessons, and the little one was like my own, (the eldest girl had no repect for the mum at all, but for me she did) She lost a good man in me.
qunett Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 P.S. Funkybassplayer: On another, more positive note: By chance, do you appreciate the music of Level 42 and the great bass player Mark King? They are my favorite band of all time! Leve; 42 great band, i saw them last year again, with my ex in birmingham, mark king is the coolest man, i love to slap the bass myself, its always a party piece at gigs! On another note, i really am after 2 months feeling 70% good, thats great as i was only 50% of me in the relationship!! and im doing the things for me, i sort of moved here bt accident, but looking forward to selling banking a good amount renting a nice place in the sticks upfrount for a year, and buying that porche! was just looking at dealer websites and getting exited! No this is for me i have really thought am i doing this cos of the break, but im not, I love the house, but want to do different things now. As long as i keep that ump sum in the bank, ill still have the equity. Yeah, I can see the benefits of treating yourself. My 40th Bday trip to Dingle, Ireland was all about that - treating myself after a hellacious year of disappointment and hurt (and yes, there was some pleasant stuff thrown in for good measure). It was either Ireland or a motorcycle. I opted for the trip. The Kawasaki Vulcan will have to wait for the next milestone - maybe the big 45! I'm jealous you got to see the guys during their reunion concert tour. I actually had tickets to see them at Royal Albert Hall last October. I ended up canceling the trip cause right around then was when I had the fateful conversation w/my ex where he requested we no longer even try to be friends. In retrospect, I should have gone - but I was hurting too much. I have seen Mark in concert - on the Isle of Wight in 2000. Excellent show. Added bonus: had a great conversation with Mike Lindup (keyboard player) on the ferry back to Portsmouth. Nice guy. Happy Porche shopping!!
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 How cool, Mike lindup, i would love to have met him! I cant belive you never went, i would have no matter what!! Part of the reson why we split was because i was'nt ready to sell my house and buy her hubby out of the share of hers ..........BECAUSE SHE WOULDNT DIVORCE HIM! I mean be fair! I said i will move up but not until your ready for full comitment. SO now im selling it and the moneys all mine! not her's or her ex hubby's!! her new guy can give him the 25k to buy him out.me ill keep it for the porche! (or tvr not sure yet)
qunett Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Part of the reson why we split was because i was'nt ready to sell my house and buy her hubby out of the share of hers ..........BECAUSE SHE WOULDNT DIVORCE HIM! Dang! She was really tripping. You make all the sacrifice, she gets all the reward. Sounds like she lives under the motto "What's mine is mine and what's YOURS is mine." ... i.e., selfish to the core. I know you already know this, but you are most definitely better off. It's a shame the children are being raised in such a dysfunctional atmosphere. I'm sure she has a lot of wonderful qualities as well, but the junk appears to be dominant at this time in her life. Can only pray that she eventually grows up and faces her deficienies, gets some help, and wises up before it's too late and regret is the only thing she has left to keep her warm at night...
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 I really think that she needs time ot not another relationship, with from what i hear is a controlling guy. but i really feel that she will bring problems for herself, in an inocent way, she cant help it, in fact i diched her just 2 months b4 the split for all these reasons, just selfish. Its a shame, cos when i first met her she was loving, but then she got a text from the ex hubby that said as long as t gets what t wants, nothing else matters.....so that says it all, he had all the crap that i did. If the other two grow up like the oldest (slagging off her own mum) then shes going to have big problems, and so are they. Me im gonna find some one who will want me for who i am. I have to say, i did have a gut feeling not to get too involved with her, and keep some distance, and in the end i was right to.
9Lives Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Yeah, that's what hurt the most: not hearing the old excitement and joy he used to have in his voice when I would call. Actually, when he returned my original call (he didn't pick up when I first rang him) and I said hello, he didn't even recognize my voice! Talk about hurt on top of hurt. Whatever. I'm not gonna be a glutton for punishment. Stickin' to the NC rule will save me a lot of heartbreak and will expedite the healing process, I'm sure...I hope ... BTW: I just found another string on this forum that has a lot of great advice on the benefits of NC. If you haven't already read it, here's the link - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ Thanks for the link. I checked it out. I needed that. I have not read the entire thing cause I havent had time yet. Yeah I am sticking to NC myself but it is killing me as well. I just dont want to call him, text him, or anything. Today is day 7. I want him back so bad. But that is just too bad. He is not coming back. I just have to deal with it. Even if he did....it would not work. Not now. We both know that
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