Would you end things if they did this to you? Emergency, for whoever's online!

June 30, 2007

Keep in mind, we have been together for quite some time, don't live together but practically, and we are engaged.

STRIKE ONE.

About three months ago, he went out to the bar with his friend, promising to call me before they left the bar because they would need a ride. (The bar was close to my apartment.) 2:30 rolled around. I called him a significant amount of times with no answer. Then, he shut his phone off (it went straight to voicemail). I know this because I saw he had full battery before he left the bar, and his battery lasts about eleven hours.

Nine a.m, the next day, calls me very apologetically, stating how drunk he had gotten, his battery died, and he passed out drunk on his (male) co-worker's sofa.

I let it go, even though I had called every police station throughout the night to make sure he wasn't dead or arrested.

STRIKE TWO.

Only about two weeks after Incident One, he tells me he's going to play some video games with his friend (same from above) and that he'll call me in forty-five minutes to an hour so we can all go to a movie together.

An hour passes. Two hours pass. Again, I call him quite a few times. No answer. I resort to calling his friend. No answer. His phone dies. (Conveniently).

Four a.m. rolls around. I am so sick with worry (I'm sure the police stations in our area all recognize my voice by now), I drive to his friend's house. Both of their cars are there, and all the lights are off. I peer in the windows. I don't see anyone in there. I see my fiance's jacket and shoes. I knock, no one answers.

Again, I get an apologetic phone call at nine a.m. stating how sorry he is, that they went to the bar to get one beer and ended up "hammered". His phone died and he didn't have a battery charger. He again, passes out on his friend's sofa.

STRIKE THREE.

Earlier today, he told me he's going golfing with same friend from above two stories. He started at one p.m., telling me he'd call me when he was finished. (Seeing as we had plans tonight to go out to dinner.) This particular 18 hole golf course takes about four hours to complete.

Five o'clock. Then six. Then seven. Then eight. I alert him on his phone. He finally answers at eight. He tells me there's been a change of plans, and he didn't go golfing. He wound up at a friend's house to play video games and drink beer.

I said, okay, well, it's too late for dinner now. I wasn't hungry anyway, seeing as I was again, worried about him.

Then, he told me he and this friend were going out on the pon-toon boat for an hour and he'd call me then. So, it is now eleven o'clock and I haven't heard from him. I'm really afraid he's going to pull another all-nighter.

-

Am I being paranoid? Do these things sound like something I SHOULD be particularly upset about? When I yelled at him about them before, he told me he already had a mother and didn't need another one.

I'm considering ending our entire relationship due to his disrespect for me when it comes to this. He is almost twenty-seven years old. Do you think he needs to grow up or do you think I'm sounding too much like his "mother"?

I need some advice, and quickly. I'm really hot at the moment and upset. I want to hear some rational viewpoints. It's an emergency.

Thank you

Elia

June 30, 2007

sounds very imature, ur bf has no consideration for you, buy him a watch, tell him he if he doesn't change his way, you will be ending this one way relationship

June 30, 2007

The above alone isn't worth ending a good relationship over. I think one of the reasons he's pulling all-nighters and seeming to actually avoid you is because you're literally behaving like a ball and chain. If he f*cks up, give him consequences - don't just call a bazillion times. I'm not excusing his behavior, but no man wants a nagging mother for a fiance.

That said, and given everything else you've posted about yourself, this guy, and your relationship in other threads, I'd say it's time to end things.

You're 22, you've been with him 8 months and engaged for 6. If you're having serious problems already, and he annoys you as much as he seems to, why continue to drag out the misery?

I mean, re-read your own threads. Seriously. Go back and read them. Like this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1235618#post1235618

You're not happy, hun.

June 30, 2007

If you continue to act like his mother, you empower him to never mature.

Why stay with a guy you distrust so badly, especially to the point of rating his strikes? Personally, I think this guy is very immature and needs to find himself before he's ready for a serious relationship. Let him go.

June 30, 2007

Am I being paranoid?

No, your bf is an immature jerk...he has no respect for you...

Do these things sound like something I SHOULD be particularly upset about?

Yes because he totally lack respect towards you.

When I yelled at him about them before, he told me he already had a mother and didn't need another one.

What he's telling you really is that he doesn't give a hoot about what you think and what you say.

I'm considering ending our entire relationship due to his disrespect for me when it comes to this.

You should... definitely, because if he acts like that before you're even married.. you can just imagine how he will be after a few years in the marriage... eeewwwww

He is almost twenty-seven years old. Do you think he needs to grow up or do you think I'm sounding too much like his "mother"?

He definitely needs to grow up... but I doubt he ever will...some guys never do because their gf or wife allow them to stay immature and disrespectful.

So my advice... NO MORE CHANCE... next time, he's OUT... no warning... nothing.. he already had warnings...he already knows it pisses you off...if he does it again... he's telling you VERY LOUDLY that he just don't give a hoot about you...simple.... so just dump him... don't waste any more time on this loser.

June 30, 2007

simple answer: you get your own life, do things with friends, get your mind off of his immaturity, and worrying about him all the time. he's a big boy, he can handle himself, and if he's disrespecting you by not answering a simple phone call from you, than he doesn't deserve your time, or energy. he's going to push it to as far as it goes, and to me, it's gone a lil too far if you're calling every police station in town. if you are that kind of person who needs that, than you deserve someone better that respects your concern. You should care LESS not more and eventually he'll figure it out, if not, then bottom line: you can't change a person, so don't waste your time.

But really, if you want to keep your relationship with him, he needs to know how you feel about this, and I would sit him down and talk to him about it. Good Luck

June 30, 2007

I think it depends on how old he is. If he is 20 or under I would say don't worry about it. But if he is older than that then he seems very immature.

June 30, 2007

I think it depends on how old he is. If he is 20 or under I would say don't worry about it. But if he is older than that then he seems very immature.

...................

June 30, 2007

ooops! sorry.

June 30, 2007

This is more than the time just getting away from him and him forgetting to call anywhere even close to the time he said he would. He is deliberately NOT calling at ALL. Not only that he is shutting off his phone so you can't reach him, thus it isn't just a little oversight on his part. Not only that he is making PLANS with you for a date for a specific night, then not only not keeping the date, but again not even having the courtesy to call. And it isn't like this has happened just once, but it is a repeat pattern. With that said, I think your behavior may be a bit over the top as far as calling the police etc. I think you could try to communicate your feelings to him, but if he doesn't already get it from your behavior and yelling, I doubt ANY other type of communication is gonna work either. He clearly does not value you enough to even extend the courtesy of a phone call when he breaks a date. You could try fighting fire with fire by pulling a disappearing act on him the next time you have a scheduled date. Ya know, I ran into a friend and we decided to have a drink and play catch up and the time just got away from me--yeah right, like till 4 am. Oops, baby I forgot to call and I guess my cell battery died. lol Or the next time he says he is going out and will call later cause ya'll have plans, tell him ok, you're going out too, so just give me a ring whenever. Then if he doesn't call, at least YOU are out having a good time too. And who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and meet someone else. Someone who doesn't treat you like a doormat. Sorry, I sound so negative, but having been a doormat (and it gets worse with time, the sort of behavior your guy is pulling) I have to say I just think you oughta dump his butt.

June 30, 2007

I just read your other post (the one listed in one of the above replies). This guy is going out of his way to try to make you jealous and insecure. My money, for what it is worth, is that he is busy doing just what he says he is doing (in that thread) when he goes out to bars: busy being hit on by other women and he is too wrapped up in the other women at the bars, and possibly having some of those one night stands he loves to tell you about, to bother calling you. After all, you'll be sitting there waiting when he gets around to you, won't you? You're getting all frantic calling round worried sick about him. I bet he knows this too. He's got you right where he wants you and you're letting him do it. I found out the hard way that the only person you can change is yourself. So, if I were you, knowing what I do now, I'd change myself into a disappearing act and vanish from his life. Yeah, it'll be painful for you for awhile, but it won't last forever. And it won't be anywhere near as painful as I think it is gonna be if you stay with this guy.

June 30, 2007

And one more thing. Pulling out the ol I don't need another Mother line to snap you back in line to tolerate crappy behavior is nothing but pure manipulation on his part. True, he doesn't need another Mother. But it is not being a Mother to expect someone not to stand you up for date and not even bother to call you. Not tolerating that crap is called self respect, not Motherhood.

June 30, 2007

This is NOT marriage material. He is irresponsible and has no respect for you. I, for one, can't stand it if someone says they are going to call and does not call or if they don't have the common courtesy to contact me and say, "listen, I'm going to be a bit late or look, I can't make it". He is trying to act all macho and responsible by those "daughter" remarks, but that is only used to throw you off and make you think he is not actually a flake, but he really is a cheeseball that will never grow up and probably end his career in a dead end job. You DO worry too much and I'm the same way..it's too stressful and this guy will make you lose your hair. You don't want that...nor do I

obviously there are two sides to every story, but bottom line is that you aren't happy and this is only going to continue and get worse. Either you get to a point where you don't care what he does or he will just leave you for a porn star..and the fact that he is upset that you think his porn is funny is just plain weird..if it were me I wouldn't give a sh*t..this guy has more insecurities than you do..they just aren't as obvious I guess.

I say leave..no warning no nothing..just go..

He obviously is not making any effort to change and YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM. Unless of course you want to be miserable and make numerous miserable posts on LS for the next 98 years of your life.

June 30, 2007

The above alone isn't worth ending a good relationship over. I think one of the reasons he's pulling all-nighters and seeming to actually avoid you is because you're literally behaving like a ball and chain. If he f*cks up, give him consequences - don't just call a bazillion times. I'm not excusing his behavior, but no man wants a nagging mother for a fiance.

That said, and given everything else you've posted about yourself, this guy, and your relationship in other threads, I'd say it's time to end things.

You're 22, you've been with him 8 months and engaged for 6. If you're having serious problems already, and he annoys you as much as he seems to, why continue to drag out the misery?

I mean, re-read your own threads. Seriously. Go back and read them. Like this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1235618#post1235618

You're not happy, hun.

Spoken like a savant. I must concur.

June 30, 2007

Is he still avoiding having sex with you and watching all of that porn? (from a previous message) If so, here's another take on it.

My last boyfriend (now ex) started doing the same thing. Going out for a little while, then hours, then all night, turning the phone off, being really sorry the next day. It happened once or twice, and then more often. The sex dried up, but the porn started to appear. I finally confronted him about it, and he confessed that he was a crack addict.

The fact that your fiance is disappearing overnight consistently with the same friend and turning his phone off - coupled with your previous post about the porn rang a lot of warning bells for me. Have you looked around the house for paraphernalia? Evidence of crack use would include burn holes in his clothing, or bits of brillo. If he is using that stuff, you need to get away from him.

Even if it's not drugs (even though I think it has a good chance of being that) it's not any way to have a relationship - I really think you should consider breaking this off.

July 1, 2007

Things won't change when you are married to this guy....he'll still act like this because marriage doesn't change people. You have to do what you have to do, but regardless of the decision you make I think that getting some other things going on in your life will help. It will make you healthier and happier, it might make him appreciate you more, and if in the end you decide to end things with this guy it will be easier because you won't be so dependent on him.

July 1, 2007

Dump him right now.

July 1, 2007

I wouldn't jump the gun, but with everything you described.....being out til 4am with no way to contact him, not once but several times with the "battery died" excuse.....sounds to me like he's cheating.

You'd better find out now before you marry him.

July 1, 2007

Ohhhh he sounds like he's up to no good. It takes all of 30 seconds to call and say hey we are still gonna be out and I am gonna crash on my buddy's couch. *not hard right* Dump him if it happens again and he pulls the your not my momma BS. Hope things work out.

July 1, 2007

Move on. But make sure you learn from this too!

The many phone calls would be annoying after awhile. Not saying you were wrong, he promised you to show up and didn't (several times). That would make me upset.

You cannot change others, you can only change yourself.

Create your own life going forward. The right person will be a better fit.

And you'll know it.

July 1, 2007

Why do you want to be with someone who gives you so much drama?

I mean do you expect him to change?

You can't be in a relationship with someone with the hopes that they will change one day. That's just not fair to the other person. And it will only lead to more misery for you. It's stupid.

You either need to break up with him or accept him for who and what he is, along with all the stuff he does.

Complaining to him over and over and ABOUT him over and over does nothing.

In other words. Accept him for who he and all his crap and stop complaining all the time. Or break up with him.

This has been going on so long now according to your other posts. You really don't have any right to complain and expect him to change any longer.

It's just the way he is. You can't change that. Accept that and him, stop complaining and love him for who he is right now and not who you'd like him to be or think he can be. Or break up with him.

End of story.

July 1, 2007

Thanks so much, everyone, for your thoughtful posts!

I do realize I have been complaining a lot here on the LS, and part of me thought that was due to my own self-loathing or something along those lines.

I was just worried that I am overly paranoid about simple stuff. I realize that I am more paranoid than I thought.

jcster, it's a good thought, but I know a couple of crack fiends and dope hounds and I really doubt he's one. ;-) But I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Star, I took your advice and skimmed my other threads...and it got me thinking.

So yesterday, after the incident from the night before, I was at his house and he was avoiding me a little bit...and I realized what his problem was when he told me he wanted to go play baseball with some of his friends.

I told him, fine, go play baseball.

He told me he couldn't, because every time I'm not with him, I get upset. Then he told me he loves me and doesn't want me to be upset with him.

Which is entirely untrue. I only get upset when he makes plans with me and breaks them. Or tells me he's going to call me and shuts his phone off.

I just don't understand why he needs so much space when a couple of months ago I was like, the highest link on the food chain for him, or something. But that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give him all the space he can handle...and more.

I'll tell you guys how it goes. Thanks so much for listening and responding to my posts.

July 2, 2007

I think he has a total lack of respect for you. I hate it when you get your hopes up with someone, and suddernly they cancel. It hurts, but when it's your boyfriend and he doesn't even call to tell you, it's rude and disrepectful. The whole issue with him staying out all the time and not even calling to let you know, once maybe, twice not so good, but three times? Tell him to get a new phone as there's obviously one hell of a problem with it.

I read the other post that was put on this thread, to me that sounds worse than this one. Boasting about how many girls he's slept with that look like a barbie doll, great. That shows he has no respect for your feelings and a lack of confidence for himself. He obviously feels he needs to tell you that, just to show that other woman "want" him. Almost to boost his own self confidence. He seems to have a few issues.

If this how he's acting after 8 months, how's he going to act after 8 years?

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