? for parents-boundaries crossed or not?

[climbergirl]

This isn't sitting well with me, but I can't really put a finger on why...maybe someone here could shed some light or tell me I'm way off and being a bad ex.

 

My ex and I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and we haven't been together for 3 years. I have sole legal and physical custody. I'm a student who has stayed at home with my kids. I've arranged my school schedule to either online classes or with her dad or with my mom.

 

His schedule with her (he never actually petitioned for visitation, so we try to be flexible with each other):

 

Tue & Thur: 12:30-3:30

Sat.: over night

 

Anyway, he usually works during his weekdays when he has our daughter and puts her in the daycare (it's free)-and there he met his new girlfriend. So I know she likes and is more than likely good with kids. I think they've been dating for about a month or so. I'm not sure how long, but I've heard our daughter mention her name a couple times...she seems to like his girlfriend.

 

This past Tuesday he tells me he has a girlfriend and introduces me to her. He asks me if he can take our daughter on Fri. night(in addition to Sat), because they want to leave early on Sat to drop her off at his parents.

 

He says he works late on Friday (10:00), but his girlfriend gets off an hour earlier and can she pick our daughter up-that's fine. I think that was why he had us meet-btw.

 

Calls me today and says that plans have changed and she (gf) has the day off and can pick up our daughter in the afternoon (EX still has to work until 10:00 pm).

 

This just didn't set right with me. I'm not sure why. His girlfriend does seem like a nice person, but I really don't know anything about her-even her last name.

 

Or that he/she were presumptuous enough to suggest this. I wasn't doing anything-meaning no school-it was a normal friday afternoon with my daughter.

 

I don't want to be a nasty ex, and when I said 'no' I was diplomatic. I just stated that I'd feel like a bad mom having someone else be with my daughter when I could.

 

I'm wondering how any parents would react to this. Or am I overreacting?

[4peace]

Hi, I am leaving right after this post but guess I would say follow your gut on this.

 

Not that anything is wrong but that you have an uneasy feeling, I would say is all a mother needs to feel.

 

Tell your ex-you know he must trust her but could he please give more meetings with this woman and you to set your feeligns at ease.

 

I would also say, she seems like a really nice person and you were trying to be flexible when you agreed for her to come a little earlier in his first request but for him to allow a little more time to get to know her and you would prefer he pick your daughter up.

 

Do this all in a calm voice, making it a statement not a question of...if this is alright with him. Blame it on the fact that you would really like to get to know her a little better. keep the comments nice and simple. You have the rights and legal guardianship to your daughter. If this doesn't go so well at first, remind him how he may feel if the table s were turned. If he says, he wouldn't care. Tell him you choose to handle it this way and to please try to understand. Leave it at that. Or maybe offer him to make other plans another weekend?

 

good luck,

4p

[Sheba]

I think it is reasonable to be concerned, however, ask yourself this: how would you feel if your child's father was questioning YOUR choice of caregiver for your daughter? Don't you feel able to judge whether or not a person is fit to be alone with her? I imagine the father also feels that he is a good enough judge of character to be confident that his girlfriend is a good, safe person for your little girl to be with. Bear in mind, also, that on any given Saturday night, your ex may be selecting a babysitter if he wishes to go out in the evening, just as you would while she is in your care.

 

Do you have a reason to doubt his judgment or is he a loving, cautious father. If he is, try to have faith he will do the right thing.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Good Grief, is that Sigmond????

 

In the three years have there been many girlfriends? If this is the first that he has seemed serious with and you seemed to approve I might go with it. The fact that they want to include her in their life is a good sign if this becomes serious I think. If he had a history of in and out girlfriends I would completely differ in my opinion.

[climbergirl]

You betchya, it's Sigmund. Brings back memories, huh?

 

I think what's bugging me is that I just met her, and what was proposed is her taking my daughter during a time that she's in my care.

 

I'm pretty sure that if my ex had her and I said my boyfriend was going to pick our daughter up to spend the afternoon with her alone, regardless that he trusts him, that he would feel that would infringe on his(ex's) time with his daughter.

 

I know that I should be grateful that his gf is good to her, and I am, but I do feel it's a little soon. I just met her three days ago.

 

IDK-I hope I'm handling this right, because I do trust his judgement. It is his first serious girlfriend, and I do want us to all get along.

[Lostgurl]

This isn't sitting well with me, but I can't really put a finger on why...maybe someone here could shed some light or tell me I'm way off and being a bad ex.

 

My ex and I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and we haven't been together for 3 years. I have sole legal and physical custody. I'm a student who has stayed at home with my kids. I've arranged my school schedule to either online classes or with her dad or with my mom.

 

His schedule with her (he never actually petitioned for visitation, so we try to be flexible with each other):

 

Tue & Thur: 12:30-3:30

Sat.: over night

 

Anyway, he usually works during his weekdays when he has our daughter and puts her in the daycare (it's free)-and there he met his new girlfriend. So I know she likes and is more than likely good with kids. I think they've been dating for about a month or so. I'm not sure how long, but I've heard our daughter mention her name a couple times...she seems to like his girlfriend.

 

This past Tuesday he tells me he has a girlfriend and introduces me to her. He asks me if he can take our daughter on Fri. night(in addition to Sat), because they want to leave early on Sat to drop her off at his parents.

 

He says he works late on Friday (10:00), but his girlfriend gets off an hour earlier and can she pick our daughter up-that's fine. I think that was why he had us meet-btw.

 

Calls me today and says that plans have changed and she (gf) has the day off and can pick up our daughter in the afternoon (EX still has to work until 10:00 pm).

 

This just didn't set right with me. I'm not sure why. His girlfriend does seem like a nice person, but I really don't know anything about her-even her last name.

 

Or that he/she were presumptuous enough to suggest this. I wasn't doing anything-meaning no school-it was a normal friday afternoon with my daughter.

 

I don't want to be a nasty ex, and when I said 'no' I was diplomatic. I just stated that I'd feel like a bad mom having someone else be with my daughter when I could.

 

I'm wondering how any parents would react to this. Or am I overreacting?

 

Hi CG,

 

No, I really don't think that you are over reacting in the least. It's completely natural for you to not feel comfortable with leaving your daughter with a perfect stranger.

 

I for one think that you've made the right choice. Your ex has only known this woman for a very short period of time, so he really doesn't know who she is either. I would have done the same thing. I don't understand why your ex would want to take his child for a longer period of time when he won't be able to spend time with her anyway.

 

Take care,

 

LG

[ConfusedButLoved]

I just stated that I'd feel like a bad mom having someone else be with my daughter when I could.

 

I agree with this and I do not think you are overreacting I would feel the same.

 

However...

 

Let me give you a look on the opposite end (where I've been)

 

 

My husband and I had a friendship for a few months then dated a few months after that before we met each others children. I was living 2 hours from him so when I would come to stay on weekends (and sometimes a week) I would babysit his daughter (7 years at the time) while he was at his 9-5. During this time I had only met her mother once while we were picking her up and very briefly. I know she had a hard time with trusting a total stranger with her daughter. We are now good friends and I even told her after we got to really know each other how sorry I felt for her because I knew being a mother myself how hard that must have been. I even remember hearing my step daughter on the phone with her while she was in my care and I could tell she was asking questions about me, which was of course perfectly fine.

 

Girlfriends and step mothers have it really hard. We have to earn the trust of both parents and watch our P's and Q's. While I do think you are being a good parent by being cautious, I'm also glad to hear you are very open to the idea of her spending time with you're daughter. I do think you should meet her again, to get a good feel of who she is. I know it may be awkward, and I don't know what kind of relationship you have with you're ex (it doesn't sound like a hostile one) maybe you could even go to dinner with them or something so you can get to talk to her some more. It's hard on both sides of the situation but you sound like a very reasonable person. If she really wants her relationship to work and really cares about you're daughter she will do what it takes to make you feel comfortable.