9Lives Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I was asked this question a couple hours ago. It gave me something to think about. So I thought I would ask you guys some of the questions Is he sleeping in separate room? (my answer was no) Has he seen an attorney? (not lately....no more talk of that was going on) Has he filed for divorce?(Nope, he cant right now for whatever reason) Has he moved out the house?(NO for whatever reason) Is he making plans for a future with me? ( Not anymore) ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!! If he hasnt done within a year..chances are...it might not happen. As you all know, I just broke up with the xmm about 4 days ago and was talking to a friend and this what she asked me. I am in a dead end A. Yeah at first, he was doing all this stuff and heading this way but after about a year and a half..things started to change. 2 and 1/2 years later I am the one broken hearted. I'm not feeling like a victum...cause I'm not but I told myself after a year if he did not take action I was leaving. I did not do it and now this is what I got out of it.
Tomcat33 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 He moved back home with his W and got out of my life for good! It was the best thing he could have done for me. Sorry couldn't resist
Tomcat33 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Ok I'll post a serious post: Within the first 5 months of knowing me he moved out. In the 6th month he found his own place. in the 8th month we started seeing each other and made the EA a full PA. I refused to be the OW and refused to be doing anything in secret I told him you want to be with me move out and date me like a normal guy would let me see you are serious about me. And he did. I cut all ties with him in month 4 or so and by month 6 he called me from his new place. months 7 8 9 we dated he bought things for his place things were going fne, "progressing" if you will...but his W still didn't know he was with me. Month 10 she fids out about me. Within a week of her finding out he moved back home she begged him to go back home and give the marriage a try I saw the emails his guilt was eating away at him so he did. Dumped me via email told be he owed it to his W to give the marriage a try that he loved me like crazy but he just couldn't too much guilt. that's when I came to LS devestated and looking for answers, he had bought me a promise ring I had spoken to his family etc. He moved back home I went NC again it killed me but I did it. He was back at my doorstep again telling me he could not live without me his life at home was HELL he missed me to death had made the biggest mistake going back home BLAHH BLAHHHH...all that crap he decided to move out for good this time he explained he wanted to be with me told her he did not love her anymore and wanted out etc... So he moved out we started dating and we dated for two or three months and things started to go down hill when I noticed he was dragging his feet about D, he could not even bring himself to say the word DIVORCE, yet all he did was tell me how happy he was with me how much he loved me how crazy he was about me but at the same time he needed more time to get the D going. It culminated in a fight with me accusing him of using me of dragging his feet of never knowing what he wanted of stalling because he knew all along that it was not going to happen. And we faught and didn't speak for days and he decided he wante space. The rest is history... As you can see patience in NOT my forte, and perhaps things could have worked out better had I been more patient OR it could have bought him more time to play around and have me get deeper involved. Either way my gut told me don't put up with it and I didn't, I had to follow my gut. And here I am. Anyhow...Tomca'ts got her groove back... I am off to a penthouse loft pool party with a good friend of mine (he knows very interesting people) should be a good night and it wil be good to get mingling socially again. I'm ready...to mingle that is...
Author 9Lives Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Dam/n Tomcat!!!! That was hot as hell!!!! Man I think I would have lost my mind for real. No doubt about it. So where is he now? What happen in the end?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 So where is he now? What happen in the end? With any luck, it ain't about him anymore! When you could care less, you know you're over him!
smartgirl Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 There is a common theme in many OW posts that the A goes on for a period of time - usually somewhere between one and two years. Early on, MM talks about leaving his W and taking up with OW. At some point, it becomes clear (or should) that he isn't going to leave his W and the A moves into a limbo state. Generally speaking the verdict is that the MM was a stinking liar and was using the OW all along for sex. That he never has any intention of leaving and was just stringing OW along. Isn't it also possible that MM went through a period of time in the relationship when he did think he wanted to leave W and live ever after with OW. Or he's pretty sure, but he isn't totally sure. So he gives the R with the OW more time, to be sure. But like millions of dating relationships, after more time together he realizes he isn't as compatable with OW as he is with his W. He realizes that they aren't at the same place in their lives, that they want different things, etc, etc. So now, he's pretty sure he isn't going to leave W. But, like other dating relationships, ending a R going nowhere isn't as easy as ending a R where there is a big blow up. A lot of times people stay in the going-no-where R until something better comes along. They still enjoy parts of the R and they hesitate to hurt the other person. So in the A going-no-where the MM should call it off, but stays in for the good parts and maybe doesn't know how to end it without hurting OW. At this point, there is no way she is not going to be hurt but he'd like to avoid that as long as he can. And he still likes the good parts. He is a **** for keeping OW on a string, but it doesn't mean he never cared for her or never meant to leave. Just a thought.
smartgirl Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 This is not a comment on any one particular relationship and doesn't take into account MM who won't let the OW break up when that would clearly be in her best interest. He is a selfish scumbag at that point.
Lizzie60 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 this is what happened... I see long-term affairs somewhat like a marriage... after so many years, the MM gets tired of his mistress that same way he got bored with his wife... then he dumps her for X reason...because the real reason, sometimes, is that he's just bored with the OW too. Then he will go 'hunting' for a new OW... Affairs never or rarely last forever... either the OW gets tired of waiting for the divorce or the MM gets tired of the OW. It can go the other way around too, but it's not as common.
smartgirl Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Understood. It could be boredom. Could also be that the more he gets to know about her, the less he likes her. That is common in a lot of R, whether A or singles dating. It takes longer to figure out in an A because they don't spend very much time together and are in a secret bubble where they usually don't interact with the rest of the MMs life - family, job, friends, etc.
Lizzie60 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 sometimes, after having an A for X years with the OW... he realizes that it's not that exciting anymore.. and that he would be foolish to leave his comfortable life, his kids, his W, lose half of his assets... and like you said...sometimes he strings the OW knowing very well that he has no intention of leaving his W and kids. In fact, it's a very small percentage IMO that are ready to leave their W and kids behind for another woman.
smartgirl Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I read some time back that statistically, if a MM doesn't leave his W for OW within 3 months, the odds reduce to nearly zero that he will ever do so. Some men do obviously, but not many. I'm guessing the majority of the percent that leave within 3 months were in exit affairs.
Meaplus3 Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 In my situation (ea) it seem's to me that mm was not getting his emotional need's meet by W. I did not have a pa with him so I guess the W was performing in the bedroom up to pare. However, I do think that he had an ea with me because he is bored in his marriage in an emotional way. For a man IMOP that's more of a danger for a full blown pa don't you think?
IWALH Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 sometimes he strings the OW knowing very well that he has no intention of leaving his W and kids. How do they do that? How??? It just makes me so sad and sick to think of what these men put the ow through (and, of course, the w). I don't understand how they can say the things they say to one woman and then lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie.... ugh, I don't know.
Meaplus3 Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 How do they do that? How??? It just makes me so sad and sick to think of what these men put the ow through (and, of course, the w). I don't understand how they can say the things they say to one woman and then lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie.... ugh, I don't know. It is sick, I so agreee!!! I fell into my ea and I freely admit it because of a lose of love for my H! Yet these MM can have some "Fun" and love the W and be all comfy at home weather it be an ea, or even more involved pa and get away with it! DAMM it makes me soooo mad! Lier's Lier's that's all they are!! AP:)
TogetherForever Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 sometimes, after having an A for X years with the OW... he realizes that it's not that exciting anymore.. and that he would be foolish to leave his comfortable life, his kids, his W, lose half of his assets... and like you said...sometimes he strings the OW knowing very well that he has no intention of leaving his W and kids. In fact, it's a very small percentage IMO that are ready to leave their W and kids behind for another woman. Mine did!!
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