How soon should you have a talk about being exclusive with someone?

[jenniferlm]

A little background

 

I've been dating someone since the 28th of May.

 

I see him at least a few times a week, and some weeks I end up spending most of my nights there.

He also calls at least once a day, and usually at least a few times a day.

 

We are having sex with eachother ;-)

 

But the thing is on his myspace are comments from girls calling him sexy, telling him they miss him, to call them, etc etc. One of them is set to visit him when she's here this month visiting some family that lives a couple hours away? He says that they are just friends...

 

One of the other girls from a nearby town also came to visit him on a Saturday when I was working. She slept at his house, but he told me (of his own accord I didn't ask) that she slept downstairs on the couch, he wasn't attracted to her, blah blah.

 

So...I feel basically like I'm getting mixed signals from him. On one hand, I see him a lot, and he's attentive, on the other there's this thing with the girls comments and visits? WTF?

 

Or am I making too much out of this as we haven't been dating long?

 

I do really like him, and quite frankly, I'd be happy to start dating only him. I'm really not someone who likes to sleep around, so even though I do go on a "date" with someone, I don't ever take it further than that.

 

The only reason why I'm still even bothering to date others is because I don't want to waste my time on someone who's not wanting to take things further with me. I had a bad experience in my past where I wasted three years on someone...

 

So what should I do? And when should I have the talk with him?

 

Or should I just wait for him to bring it up?

 

Help!!! Please!!! lol

[JulieJ]

I think that you should ask him if he is seeing anyone else. Just say you want to know out of curiosity. From there you will either start a "relationship" discussion if he answer is no, or you can end the conversation is the answer is yes.

[alphamale]

the rule is that the girl asks the boy for exclusivity around the 3 month mark, give or take a few weeks.

[Pyro]

the rule is that the girl asks the boy for exclusivity around the 3 month mark, give or take a few weeks.

 

There is no rule.

 

Jen, to me this guy sounds like trouble. He could very well be a player. You could ask him, but if he is a player, he may just lie to you and tell you what you want to hear just so you will stay around for the sex. On the other hand I could be wrong. Listen to your gut instinct. See if his words matches his actions. That is how you can tell if he is genuine or not, but definitely have a talk with him.

[jenniferlm]

do his words match his actions? Well, yes and no....

 

And as I said, I do see him often, so it would be hard for him to have a continuing thing going on with anyone else, and he does call every day, sometimes up to 5 times a day or more.

 

He does what he says he will do...when he says he will call, he does. When he says he wants to see me, he never flakes out.

 

The only girl that I've talked to about this has told me that it's a bit too soon to have a talk about being exclusive with him....

 

I just feel like I'm getting mixed signals from him right now, what with the myspace comments, visits from "friends" and what not. And I don't like it. My gut has been wrong soooo many times before. In other words, my gut sucks. lol

I just never guess right when it comes to what a guy is thinking or wanting from me.

 

So should I wait the three months?

 

I'm just so used to guys being the ones who are totally into me when I'm dating them, I usually never have to wonder. They start calling me their gf, tell me they'd like me not to see anyone else. blah blah.

 

And when a guy does make me wonder, I usually end up replacing them at about the 2 month mark as I don't like the feeling of uncertainty.

 

But I realize that I may not be always right in doing this, and I do really like him and enjoy spending time with him. He's fun, he's been honest with me (as far as I know???), makes me laugh, and I do like that he's attentive and sees me a lot and calls. (I guess I'm just an attention whore lmao)

 

I just don't like that I'm in this state of not knowing what is going on in his head or how much he likes me, if he wants to end up in a relationship with me, etc. I'd like to have a talk with him at some point, I'm just wondering when and IF I should do it, and what I should say. I really am inexperienced when it comes to this, because as I've said, in the past, it's always been the guy who did this for me, or we just kinda "fell" into a relationship together...

[Pyro]

do his words match his actions? Well, yes and no....

 

And as I said, I do see him often, so it would be hard for him to have a continuing thing going on with anyone else, and he does call every day, sometimes up to 5 times a day or more.

 

He does what he says he will do...when he says he will call, he does. When he says he wants to see me, he never flakes out.

 

The only girl that I've talked to about this has told me that it's a bit too soon to have a talk about being exclusive with him....

 

I just feel like I'm getting mixed signals from him right now, what with the myspace comments, visits from "friends" and what not. And I don't like it. My gut has been wrong soooo many times before. In other words, my gut sucks. lol

I just never guess right when it comes to what a guy is thinking or wanting from me.

 

So should I wait the three months?

 

I'm just so used to guys being the ones who are totally into me when I'm dating them, I usually never have to wonder. They start calling me their gf, tell me they'd like me not to see anyone else. blah blah.

 

And when a guy does make me wonder, I usually end up replacing them at about the 2 month mark as I don't like the feeling of uncertainty.

 

But I realize that I may not be always right in doing this, and I do really like him and enjoy spending time with him. He's fun, he's been honest with me (as far as I know???), makes me laugh, and I do like that he's attentive and sees me a lot and calls. (I guess I'm just an attention whore lmao)

 

I just don't like that I'm in this state of not knowing what is going on in his head or how much he likes me, if he wants to end up in a relationship with me, etc. I'd like to have a talk with him at some point, I'm just wondering when and IF I should do it, and what I should say. I really am inexperienced when it comes to this, because as I've said, in the past, it's always been the guy who did this for me, or we just kinda "fell" into a relationship together...

 

It can't hurt to talk to him.

 

Its only been a month so far. That may be too soon to bring up the exclusive talk, but everyone is ready for it at different times. It sounds like that you are still getting to know him, so get to know him some more before you consider taking it to the next level. If he is scum, it will start to show.

[jenniferlm]

I figured I should wait...

 

And I'll do just that.

 

Any advice on how to broach the subject in a couple months would be appreciated more than you know...

 

I have NO idea what to say to him.

[confused527]

Does he know that your seeing other guys? and if so does he assume your sleeping with them? If he does know and assume then he's going to think its ok for him to do the same. Id be careful though if he knows your dating others and is ok with it he hasnt gotten to the point where he wants to be exclusive.

[jenniferlm]

no. he doesn't know. we did have a conversation right before we started having sex and i told him that I really don't sleep around and usually just sleep with the one person at a time, and that's with my boyfriend at the time.

[Trialbyfire]

If you want to be exclusive, ask him. Otherwise, live with it.

 

There are no defined timelines associated to exclusivity, especially if you're sleeping together. You don't want to make his risk, your risk.

[alphamale]

Any advice on how to broach the subject in a couple months would be appreciated more than you know...

 

I have NO idea what to say to him.

YOU: So, um, you know we've been dating for 10 weeks

HIM: Yea, so?

YOU: Well, I was thinking....you know...about "us"

HIM: What do you mean?

YOU: I mean, do we have a future or is this just casual?

HIM: Oh...hahaha, is this "THE TALK"?!?

YOU: I guess so....coz if we're just casual then I wanna see others

HIM: So basically you want to be exclusive? Is that it?

YOU: Yes, I really like you a lot and I want to be your only girl

HIM: Er, um....___________ (fill in the blank)

[alicatheartsu]

i am in a similar situation. however i have not had sex with him yet. I think that you should do what you feel is right. dont freak him out by getting all serious on him but casually bring it up. what do you have to lose? if he lies and is a player u didnt want him anyways. i know its easier said than done.. I dont know how to post a freakin blog im new at this so.. if someone could tell me that would be great cause i need help in a similar situation.. i think ill just put it on her. email me at [email protected] for your answers

 

Ok . so there is this guy i have been talking to since may 12.. and hes really everything i have wanted in a guy.however, we have never gone on a date one on one.. we are always with his "family" his group of really close friends. i have always thought he was a player because, well, he is really good looking. and the first time we talked i flat out said your a player i want nothing to do with you. he stuck around swearing he wasnt. turns out he isnt. hah. but a year or two ago he broke up with his only love... he talks about her still and she calls. it makes me nervous. but i guess she got all psycho on him naming their kids.. anyway. whenever i drink too much i tell him how much i like him and he says he likes me alot too. all we have done is kissed. and its very innocent. But now.. im just unsure if its too late to play hard to get. i want to be girlfriend and boyfriend with him before i leave on sept 1. but what do i do? i always have to go see him if i want to see him. i dont know if i should just lay it on the line and say look. i am willing to make this work before i leave if you are. if you arent im gonna give the other guys who i have dissmissed cause of u a chance.. but i dont want to come off too serious. oh lord its a big mess. i just want him to be mine. a month ago i said im serious about this and it doesnt seem like you are and he said he really is and he likes me more than anyone knows... if you need more info to give me some help just ask but thank you so much for ur help.. email me thank u

[jenniferlm]

Just go to the start thread button on the top left of the screen...

 

title your post and go from there...

[alicatheartsu]

can u delete my post thing i said.. ? haha thanks

[confused527]

I had a similiar situation with the guy Im dating. We started dating in January ad hit it off. With his work schedule we only got to ee each other every 2 weeks or so which bothered me. Why waste my time waiting around when I could be out with someone else but I really like this guy so I figured Id stick it out. Im not one to have the Talk but I started constantly thinking about us and our relationship ad whether we were exclusive. So I hinted around and said I wanted to see more of him which is now once a week....wow! He called me his girlfriend the other night and I was like "huh?" ok his progressing. Then my a mutual friend who set us up ( he doesnt know that we talk a lot) told me that my guy thinks I forced hs hand by having the talk that he just wanted to let things move on their own.....WTF?? All I said was Id like to see him a little more. So I backed off and stopped being as availible and next thing you know he's asking me to come over and wants to spend more time together. But now all I can think about is how he thinks I forced his hand. I know you said that you try not to listen to your gut but if I were you I would. The choice you make migh end up getting you hurt but at least youll stop worrying about it.

[chryssy83]

When the guy I'm dating now first asked me to be exclusive, he said he wanted to talk to me and then said "I have a scheduled date on Tuesday with someone else. I just wanted to know if that's an okay thing or not because I don't really know where we stand." I was like "look, if you want to see someone else, by all means..." and he said "No. That's not it at all. I just wanted you to know that if you thought we were exclusive, or wanted to be exclusive, I'm okay with that. Just give me the word and I won't go Tuesday." I said "Are you saying you want to be exclusive?" "Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying." And then I said I wasn't interested in that.

 

He still tells me sometimes what a blow it was to his ego. The point of this little story is that after all that I did still want to see him. We eventually became exclusive and now we've been together for five years. If you want to have "the talk," have it. It doesn't always end badly in the long run, even if it does in the short run. I would think you could wait a while and maybe just let him know you're seeing other people and see how that pans out. But if you're seeing each other so much you can't imagine how he's seeing anyone else in between maybe it's time for a discussion.

[Tranzphasic0]

Never ;);)

[Green]

Yeah well I never want to be exclusive so when a girl tries to get that way with me things always go south and Im usualy told Im cruel and blah blah blah if this guy is me he genuinly likes you but he has no hidden intentions to make things exclusive

[jenniferlm]

Update:

 

A friend of mine came to visit last night, and He and I agreed that we'd all go out together. Unbeknownst to me, he had a friend of his meet us at his house...so it seemed like he was setting her up with someone?? I mean he'd told me that he would be out with a friend as well that night, but I didn't think it would be a "set up" situation...

 

Anywho. My friend doesn't like his friend on first site basically, isn't her type. Plus, she wasn't here to be set up on a date, and wanted to go out and see a few bars and see what the scene here was like.

 

He flat out refused to go to a bar that she wanted to go to. Refused. Said they'd go and do something else...blah blah...

So we separated, and we went to one bar, he and his friend to another.

 

I'd told him that after we'd had one drink at this bar, we'd probably meet him wherever he was. He calls soon after we arrive at the bar, but I couldn't hear him so ask him to text.

 

The text says...We found a party. Have fun at that gay ass place take someone home lol

 

I was like...HUH? sent him one back and told him ...um not here to pick up anyone don't know why you would say that just showing my friend around you're over reacting.

He seemed to get a bit peeved at this and sent me text saying....I was joking I don't care what you do you're overreacting I have to run later.

 

LOL...at this point I was getting a bit fed up with his little antics.

 

so I texted him back ...funny you'd think I was over reacting cause that's not where I'm at at all. If you don't care what I do then I'd rather not even bother. I'm not mad though, want U 2 know that.

 

He texts back OK...WTF? lol....

 

I call him at the end of the night as we're leaving the bar. Talk to him a bit, he's pretty drunk. Sigh. Texted him today after my friend left. He just called. Talking to me as if nothing happened.

 

I don't know if I even want him anymore TBH.

 

lmao.

 

But maybe someone out there will tell me that I'm over reacting? I mean, I did know that he does really hate going into that particular bar, and I was technically meeting him out....blah blah...

 

Any opinions?? lol

[Star Gazer]

He made it clear that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. What you do with that is up to you.

[Dumbledore]

the rule is that the girl asks the boy for exclusivity around the 3 month mark, give or take a few weeks.

Agreed. You have the exclusivity talk as soon as you're sick of having sex with a plastic sheath over his tool. 3 months at the very latest, I would say.