triplem Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I am in a relationship that is more than a little complicated, but has been very good overall. What I can't figure out is whether one must actually feel "magic" when one is in the right relationship or one just finally musters up the courage to make the jump into marriage and comits to making it work. We started poorly as were were seperating from previous long term relationships (hers a marrige with kids, mine a commited live-in of five years) but had not done so completely. Neither of us saw it as a long term thing. We were both fresh out of relationships and wanted a companion, we admitted as much. But as time has worn on it has proven a very strong relationship. We have been unflinchingly honest with each other. When things have bothered us about the relationship we have layed our cards on the table and talked through it. She and I have great conversations and helped each other through the worst times of our lives (our break ups) in very positive constructive ways. So here's the thing... I never planned to have kids this early (28) and she has two. I have grown fond of them and get on with them well as an authority figure. But I am still unsure of the prospect of fatherhood, which is where we are moving if we continue. That fear of fatherhood, and the limitations it places, have stamped out that feeling of "magic" I might have felt about progressing. My thoughts on her: Extremely intelligent, kind, gentle, honest, breathtaking beauty, sexy, politcally interested, socially interested, open minded, great mother, great wife. My fear basically stems from questions about whether I will get to complete my dreams of travel and, if not, will I come to resent her for that. On the other hand, I know that after I had completed these travels I would look for a woman just like her, something that is hard to find. So, is this lack of "magic" a sign that I am just not ready for this? Is it meaningful? Or do I just need to jump? Do I need to put aside my doubts and give myself over to this new future, even though it may not be the one I had planned? I blew a relationship with one special girl (my significant ex) because I entertained doubts that, in hindsight, were unworthy of the weight I gave them. Am I making the same mistake? I will say this, if this relationship ends I have to spend some time by myself. No serious relationships. Just living some dreams and being alone with myself.
jenniferlm Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 seems like you have a history of sabotaging relationships. And it also seems like you are looking for the "perfect girl" and nothing else will do... News flash, no one out there is perfect, and you are always going to be dissapointed unless you realize this and stop it. And hey, you're not perfect either ya know? But, if you don't think you can stop your cycle of sabotaging relationships, nit picking, and looking for a perfect fit, then you should stop dating this woman as she does have kids who will also feel the burn after you do what it is that you do... Just a thought. You sound a lot like my ex. He didn't end up liking the fact that my son was going to be around either, so he ended it after 3 years. I wish he'd done it in the beginning instead of wasting so much of my time. He's also looking for the perfect girl...and guess what? more than a year later, he's alone, and has only been on one or two dates that lead to nothing since we broke up. He's getting he just desserts IMO.
jcster Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Your reasons for not wanting to take the next step are telling. Are these dreams of yours so particular that you can't share them with her? It sounds to me like you know that you have a good thing - but aren't ready to commit yet. Marriage is hard work - and if you are not willing to undertake the task, you should let her know right away.
JulieJ Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I think it really comes down to whether or not you can see yourself ever living a fulfilling life without this person. Getting the traveling out of your system may be fulfilling for awhile, but will it be enough? It might be a trade off that you have to make.
Author triplem Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 As far as sabotaging relationships, I am guilty, but not to the degree that you might think. I have only had the one other serious relationship which lasted five years. When I said that I harbored doubts I do not mean to say that I was unwilling to move forward in the relationship. I would have gone the whole nine yards. She left me because she had doubts about her sexuality and was involved with someone else. She was a wonderful person who was just not able to be wonderful towards me. And yes, I do know I am flawed, deeply. I have a lot of great traits but a lot of flaws. I am just relatively inexperienced in this relationship stuff because I shared so much of my youth with just one girl. I don't want to string anyone along. That's what happened to me. I also don't want to chase some dream only to find that I left true happiness in that pursuit. You are right when you say that I know I have a great thing. As I said, I truley don't have that sense of "the grass might be greener", I know it can't be significantly as far as women go. But I am still scared about moving forward. I guess I'm wondering whether those who are happy ever experienced a cessation of the doubts, or whether they just decided to plunge forward despite them? If it's just a matter of plunging, there are few people who would be more worthy of the plunge.
jcster Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 There will always be doubts when embarking on something as big and scary as marriage. It's definitely a plunge situation.
jenniferlm Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Well to a big extent it is a plunge. You never know what will happen beforehand, as with so many other things in life. But as someone who has been divorced twice (in my youth a long time ago lol), I highly recommend you seek couples counseling of some sort before you get married. Believe me, it could save you a lot of heartache, financial expense, and since kids are involved it's definitely a good idea. I wish I had done this in my past. You'll either find that you are able to enter into this relationship with no real regrets, or that perhaps it's better for both of you to move on.
Author triplem Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 I've been thinking a lot about this the last couple of days. I talked with the girl involved and I have realized a few things. The first, and most important, is that I do have some degree of comitment phobia. I am with a person who is the type of person I would like to spend my life with. I see many qualities in her I want in a partner. She wants to make a life with me. And despite this clarity I am thinking of the reasons it won't work, not how I can make it work. This leads to the second big realization. I need to really do some work on myself. I need to move past this fear, whether with her or to open the door for the next great person. I am on a path to long-term lonliness and I had better do some fixin' now, while I am still young. To that end I backed out of a plan to move in with a friend. I have ensured that he won't be financially damaged. I have signed a lease on an apartment that will be all my own. A space where I will be able to alone with myself. While it sounds a little scary, it seems like I need to spend a little time getting to know myself better. If this girl decides she doesn't want in for the ride, then I will spend a while not dating anyone, just learning how to be happy on my own.
Walk Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 The first, and most important, is that I do have some degree of comitment phobia. I need to really do some work on myself. I need to move past this fear, whether with her or to open the door for the next great person. I am on a path to long-term lonliness and I had better do some fixin' now, while I am still young. A space where I will be able to alone with myself. While it sounds a little scary, it seems like I need to spend a little time getting to know myself better. If this girl decides she doesn't want in for the ride, then I will spend a while not dating anyone, just learning how to be happy on my own. You're afraid of commitment, so you hole yourself up and start thinking about life withOUT this woman with "many qualities in her I want in a partner". Kind of ironic, don't you think? Are you sure you're not just rationalizing escape? Maybe I read your post wrong, but that's what I got from it. You weren't talking about how alone time would increase the depth and strength of your relationship with this woman... you're talking about other women down the line. Ones who aren't present, and aren't posing long term commitment. So why are you holing yourself up? What does withdrawl have to do with commitment? I don't understand how you came to this conclusion. Take this how you want, but I think this is just another way for you to escape from the fear. You still aren't thinking of ways to make the relationship a reality while working on yourself. You've basically left her to fend for herself while you figure out what you really want in life. Instead of asking for her help with this, or going seeing a counselor, or buying every book on the subject that you can find... you're going to distance yourself from her.....? And can you honestly say that you're going to spend all your time working on bettering yourself sitting alone in an apartment, or are you going to veg out in front of the tv, make any excuse not to be alone with yourself, and find reasons to escape again from the problem you thought you were going to work on....? I don't see that anything has changed except that instead of breaking up with her, you're going to make it a slow and painful withdrawl. Maybe I'm wrong.. but that's what I saw in your last post.
Trialbyfire Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 If you're not 100% committed, I would highly recommend you not take the step towards marriage. Doubt is self-prophesizing and if you have to give up your dreams for someone else, you will start to resent her in the future. If you honestly care about her, let her know where you stand. In not doing so you aren't really laying your cards on the table, are you? Overall though, you might be giving up the best thing that will ever happen to you so best to decide how important your dreams are to you. It has to be your decision and your acceptance of responsibility to give up dreams, in order for this to work.
Walk Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I just wanted to add... my brother is a single father with 2 kids under 10. He travels a lot. And he doesn't make that much money. If you want to talk about a situation that would prohibit travel, his would be it. A dead beat mom, two little ones, and sister who won't babysit. I really believe that the only limitations you're putting on yourself are self-imposed. If this traveling is so incredibly important to you, then why aren't you making it happen now? Seems like it's another excuse to me. You can meet someone new who doesn't have kids, but there will be a new reason why you can't travel. Or you'll find something else you thought you wanted as a reason why this new girl is stifling your dreams too. Your gf isn't stopping you from travel. You are. Are you saving up money to travel? Do you have plans on sub-letting your apartment while you're gone? Where are you going and for how long? Have you researched hostels, or hotels, or living arrangments? Have you looked into it seriously at all, or is this just one of those... "I'd like to" ideas that never get to fruitation? And can you really blame someone else when you aren't willing to put in the effort to make it happen? Or is that just another "easy way out" of admitting you ruined your own dreams? I can list the sacrifices I've made in order to make my dream reality.. and none of them involved excuses for why I couldn't do it. You want to blame someone for why you couldn't do something, then put it where it belongs, on yourself.
Author triplem Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Walk, I take no offense at what you've said and appreciate it. You have some fair points and I need to ponder some of them. To clarify a few things (which don't change the core of what you're saying). The new apartment is actually closer to her than the one into which I had planned to move. In addition, she wasn't a huge fan of the guy I was going to move in with. I am actually saving money to travel. I have a savings account and some tickets for Sept. It's nice to hear that your brother is still able to travel, it makes me optimistic. As far as working on myself... I am reading a ton of books, about self and the world in general. Far from vegging out, I had the cable disconnected and have no TV signal, just the occasional DVD. I am seeing a counselor on my own and we are seeing a counselor together. But the bottom line of your posts still applies... I need to figure out what I'm willing to do, and be honest with this girl about it. She's a good person and deserves that much.
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