Northern Girl Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 It's not YOU, it's ME.... My boyfriend and I are in our 40’s, both previously married, and were together for a year and a half. The past several months I noticed him becoming more and more “detached” This started a landslide of insecurity for me as to where our relationship was going, so I talked to him about it. When I first brought it up, he told me not to worry…. Everything is fine….he wanted to be with me forever. He brought over the house plans, and made more effort to reassure me we were still “on the same page”. Two weeks ago he told me he now does not know what he wants, and doesn’t know that he wants a future with a blended family (he has one child, I have two). At the end of a week-long “break”… we missed each other horribly and got together. Everything “seemed” back to normal…minus ANY talking. But actions… telling me he loves me….making love… making plans for the summer, etc. were all normal and back on track. Actually, prior to the “break” nothing was ever “off track” other then he not making reference to anything related to the word “future” anymore. Two nights ago we had plans to see each other. He came over and I could tell something was not right. After some chatty conversation about our day, work, etc. he said “we have to talk”… this isn’t working”. He does not want to get married, does not want a big family and said he does not have the “feelings” for me that he once had. He told me he DID want all of that, but doesn’t now. Then he brought up the infamous "It's not you, it's me". The context of that being that our relationship was perfect, I have done nothing wrong... he just does not know what he is feeling anymore. He has apologized and said he never wanted to hurt me and is very sorry this happened. What happened?????? Is afraid of commitment???? (He was through two very bad relationships… and has admitted to being afraid what might happen in the future should we marry). Is he no longer attracted to me (hence the loss of feelings)???? Or, the worst possible scenario... Is there someone else??? (Of course I asked and he denied that). I have not contacted him since that night, and do not plan to. I have decided that IF he does contact me and want to see me that he must know what he wants before I will go back into a relationship with him. I simply can not keep going through these kind of ups and downs. The anxiety is far to great… not knowing when the axe might fall again. Am I doing the right thing? I can not believe that a 40 year old man can not know what he wants. I am so hurt, just reeling from the shock of having everything I thought was my life and my future ripped away so suddenly. I love him with all my heart.
JulieJ Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Yes, I think you are doing the right thing. I know the "it's not you, it's me," excuse is very cliched, but in this case it seems like it is actually the truth. There is nothing wrong with you or your relationship, this is him not knowing what he wants. In a way, you have to respect him for brining this up now rather than later. Sure, he could have kept seeing you while trying to figure out "what he wants," but that could take months. And what if at the end of those months he realized that being in the relationship really isn't the right thing for him? Then you would have grown even more emotionally attached, made even more plans for your future, and would end up getting hurt even more. So, my point is that he didn't take the easy way out of this. I'm sure it was hard for him to pull the plug, but I would respect him for not leading you on while figuring out what he wants. Maybe he will figure out that he wants to be with you and is willing to raise a large family, but you are right to not take him back until he is absolutely sure.
Lizzie60 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Just leave him alone for a while... Be independant, there is not much you can do...you can't make him love you... so if you back off, he might miss you and realize if he does love you.. if not, well... not much you can do. I don't blame him not wanting another marriage...why would he? Why not just enjoy each other... have each your place and your kids...then get together as often as you can. That would be the best 'scenario' as far as I'm concerned... so maybe that's what he wants too... but he might feel pressure from you to get married... I'm not sure but you just need to give him a LOT of space for now... Be strong, confident and most of all INDEPENDANT! That might bring him back!
JulieJ Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 J.. so if you back off, he might miss you and realize if he does love you.. Be strong, confident and most of all INDEPENDANT! That might bring him back! 100% agree!
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