goodgirl26 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 So I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years (known him for six) He has an 8 year old son. he is 30. We recently got back together after a 2 month separation due to my lack of trust in his "friendship" with another woman that he hid from me. I had no proof of anything phyisical and we were trying to work things out. Last weekend his son blurted out that the other woman had spent the night. my boyfriend claimed it was a few years ago. I broke up with him once again after he made a comment that hurt me. I decided enough is enough. Well people, I am here to tell you to trust your gut instincts. Even the little tiny twinges that tell you something is wrong when you think you are crazy for thinking anything is up. or that something is totally innocent. Chances are its not. I really didnt' have any clue. I never suspected much until the other woman was calling. my boyfriend was sweet to me , very attentive, called me the most beautiful woman he's ever dated, constantly praised my body, told me I was the most fun in bed he's ever had, talked to me for hours about everything! We could spend the day just cuddling and holding eachother and be perfectly content. We were best friends. We had some problems like any couple (he wanted to live together I wasn't ready, he wanted me to spend more time with him, I wanted him to be less possessive and paranoid (he thought I would cheat on him) Well last night (we had already broken up) he called to ask when I was going to get my stuff and he confessed everything he'd done during our relationship. during the 3 years we've been together he: slept with about 8 other women having unprotected sex with all but one. all were exes and this other woman I was suspicious of. he had sex with his son's mother and let her spend the night at his house even though he always talks about how much he hates her (with good reason) and she has gained 100 lbs since they were dating. had sex with an ex who nine months later gave birth- he said he might be the father but he doubts it because she sleeps around. The girl is a year old now and he said she might be his but the ex never pursued it so he doesn't care and has never seen the girl. He said I am the only person he's told about that. Said his son will be glad I'm gone and that he loved spending time with the other woman but hates me. That just broke my heart because I love his son like my own and my boyfriend has always told me no one has ever treated his son as well as I do. Also his son has NEVER acted like he doesn't like me. said its MY fault he cheated because I didn't pay enough attention to him and didn't have sex wtih him enough (his son was always around) said he only dated me for three years because he was using me for my body. Ok. honestly I am really hot compared to his exes that are overweight and don't take care of themselves but I'm no supermodel. I'm just cute girl with a tight little body. nothing special. So why not just tell me all you want is sex and spare the relationship drama? Most of the women he cheated on me with wanted relationships with him but he didn't want any of them. Most of the women were one night stands. Told me that whenever I'd say "I know you so well" to him (becasue I honestly thought I knew a lot about him and felt we had initmacy and were best friends) that he would laugh to himself or actually go somewhere and laugh out loud because he of how little I really did know about him (and his cheating) sick bastard. what I don't understand is if he had this secret life and did all this cheating then why drag me down with him? Why try so hard to win me back (when we broke up the first time) if he were single he can go do all of this and he's not hurting anyone! also if he was just using me then why was HE the one always asking me to spend more time with him? He says all I was to him was "eye candy" and that the only reason he spent time with me is because he loved looking at me?WTF. If that was true then why would he spend time with me when he knew we couldnt' have sex (his son was there) also why would he call me every single day and get mad when I didn't want to talk to him for hours. We talked or saw eachtoehr every single day. even after we came home from being together we would talk on the phone for at least an hour. Why would he just lie there and cuddle with me for hours. Why could we talk about anything and everything and never get bored? I'll never give him the time of day again and I"m glad I found out but it is so crushing because I didn't suspect any of this. I thought I'd have so much hate for him that this break up would be easy. But its not. I do hate him. but I can't quite separate this new person I found out he actually is from who I thought he was. I will NEVER get back wtih him I can promise you that but I feel like a sicko myself becasue I actually miss him. I miss him holding me and miss us laughing. I miss his son. I can't believe everthing he did to me. I didnt' deserve any of that. WHAT A MONSTER. It should be easy to walk away. But I am going thru something weird. Its like I want to still talk to him. I still want a connection. I'll never love him again I'll never date him again, never sleep with him again obviously. but I'm grieiving. Its like someone died. I just want to turn my brain off cause as mad as I am I keep crying. I keep remembering the good times and mourning. I go from being in shock (that he's not who I thought he was) to being angry to just being distraught.
sao2 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Wow, I don't understand why he felt the need to hurt you so much. Everything he did was horrible, but at this point, I don't think he should have ever told you. Maybe you would rather know, I would if I were in the relationship, but afterwards, what you never knew, would never hurt you. Look at it this way, you can easily walk away from this now. You will never wonder if it would have been good.
Author goodgirl26 Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 I've been reading here about No contact and it sounds like hell. Its only been two days and both of those days I"ve talked to my ex but I haven't seen him and I'm afraid to see him. I told him just to throw my stuff away that he has and last night I threw away all the notes he's wrote me over the years and the cards and stuff. I also threw away any underwear I ever wore that he liked. Yes, I know thats weird but I need to get rid of any good memories that I still have. Because he's not the person I thougth he was. I dont know how to handle this because it feels like someone died. And someone did-the guy I THOUGHT he was. This is driving me crazy because I"m the one who ended it with him and yet I'm suffering!! I am on this rollercoaster of hating him, crying over him, feeling nothing, feeling a bit of relief that at least I found out who he is, and then crying again and missing him like crazy. I will NEVER get back with him but I still miss him and its sick but I yearn for a connection with him. I go home and feel all panicky and want to call him ( we talked every single day for the last 3 years except when we were broken up for two months previously) and this time when we got back together I gave it my all and thought it would work out. We used to talk about how we were "meant to be" because of how we met by accident and because we'd been through so much together. he was a HUGE part of my life as was his son and now they are both just gone, not even a goodbye. In all past relationships I've remained friends with exes. I'm still friends (good friends) with two of my exes even today. I've never gone cold turkey and it is so hard. I just have the urge to see him, to talk to him. I'm even having the urge to sleep with him which is just sick and twisted considering how badly he betrayed me. I know that he would take me back in a heartbeat but I will NEVER go back to him and I can say that and mean it. What he did was just too much to forgive. But can he stay in my life as just someone I hang out with (non sexually of course) once in awhile/ Or someone to talk to on the phone? can I still see his son? Something tells me that no contact is the best solution but how do you just erase someone who has been a huge part of your life every day?
sao2 Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 I wish I could tell you. In this case since he betrayed you so much I definitely think no contact is the way to go. I don't think you can ever truly be friends with him again because trust was broken. Maybe years down the road but for now . . . I don't think so. I have been listening to alot of music to help me through. Alot of break-up songs, songs of heartbreak. I might be at my computer and all of the sudden I just start crying. It is ok to cry. For now just get all the pain out of your system, one day it just won't hurt anymore. Another suggestion is to imagine what would you actually tell him if you could confront him? Is there really anything left to say? You might write him a letter and never mail it to him . . . Start a journal. Anything to get your thoughts heard, if only by yourself. As for no-contact. Look at it as a competition for yourself. Set a goal, no contact until Friday, On Friday reward yourself for making it and then set your next goal, make it longer this time. Another thing about no-contact. I gave myself a few days before starting the no-contact. Good luck. It does get easier, but it may get harder before it gets easier.
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