Lost_in_TN Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Hey guys and gals, just wanted to chime in and let everyone know that I am actually starting to smile again!!! With the exception of the ex-girlfriend moving home for a couple of days, this ordeal has now passed the one month mark. It was actually five weeks yesterday. But the real bomb was dropped on June the 11th when she finally came clean and told me everything that she had done behind my back. Since that day I have really been trying to toughen up, and move forward. I have had some really bad moments, blamed myself, and basically felt as if life was over at times. But the NC rule has guided me through this and has allowed me to look at things from a distance. The relationship was doomed anyway. Far too many differences between she and I, and the fact that she had betrayed me in the past never really allowed me to give 100% of myself. Though I did take care of her, and treat her well, there was still a part of me that resented her because I knew she was very capable of horrible things. Things like lying, stealing, and even cheating. Plus she was either as chipper as could be, or out and out depressed. There was no middle ground, no happy medium. Either she was in a great mood, or a horrible mood. When she was in a bad mood all she wanted to do was lay around on her butt all the time. That was probably 75% of the time. I tried to get her to get some help for the depression, but she was a very lackluster individual. Far too lazy to follow through with anything that was going to take any real committment. She swapped one situation for another, and after over 4 years with me that still stings a bit, but it also lets me know she isn't my type of woman. There is no way I could even think about being with another woman right now. I am not ready for anything of the sort. Yet she played both sides of the fence, and when it was time to do the deed she left me and went straight to him. He has kids too, and I wonder what they think of all of this, because it has affected my son who is 8 years old. She and her new lover both work where I do, and that is the hardest part. I get really tense in the morning when I am arriving at work. I never know what I will see, and there have been incidents where I've saw things I'd rather have not. But her behavior is now on display, and I've gotten a lot of support from people who see what is going on. Things like "Hold your head up, you have nothing to be ashamed of. We now see what she is all about now that everything is out in the open, and it is definitely her loss". It does help to know that there are people out there that see things like I do. I'm getting clarity, and really understanding that a relationship needs to be a union of equals. Not a mismatched union of 2 people that have smoking hot sex, but fall short in other areas that have to be there for the relationship to stand the test of time. I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I work in a technical field, am fortunate to be multi-skilled, and can sit down and conversate with most anyone and get on their level. With the ex I always had to dumb down the conversation, and basically had to fish for comments. She was the absolute killjoy in that arena, especially if we were discussing an issue between us. I could pour my heart out, be as compassionate as a guy could be, and really be looking for a good response, only to get a "Yeah", or "I know". WTF????? I hated that.......... For any of you that are going through the pain of a breakup or divorce, please realize one thing. If that person was indeed the right one for you, none of what you are going through would be happening. I know there are exceptions, but as a rule of thumb in today's society, once things start going south they rarely ever return to something that is strong enough to last. You shouldn't have to settle at all, and here is another thing I have discovered. Let's say there were some things that YOU did in the relationship that were less than honorable. (as is the case most of the time) To me that is just further indication that you were not with the right one. Where one door closes, another one opens. Hang tough and look to the future with high hopes and great expectations. Take what you have went through and use is as a lesson. Don't make some of the same mistakes twice like I did. One of the biggest lessons this has taught me is that I really need to take heed to my gut instincts, they are rarely wrong. I wish all of you the best, and I will continue to post here and let everyone know what is going on with me. I know I'll have setbacks, but I have to carry on and not get bogged down. If I fall, I will do so in a forward motion.
quiet1one1 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Glad to hear it. You're gonna have to change your tag to FOUND_in_TN now! Sometimes I wish my W would do something horrible so that I can hate her and then disconnect easier. Keep up the good work and let us know. The positive reports are great to read.
Author Lost_in_TN Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Sometimes I wish my W would do something horrible so that I can hate her and then disconnect easier. It's funny that you mention that, a lot of people have told me that though they know it is hard for me to see my Ex with another guy, and acting as if I never existed, or meant anything to her at all, it should help me move on. Most have said that you now can see her for what she really is, and that I ought to know she is not right for me. I agree in ways, but boy does it sting from time to time. I still battle being lonely at night time, and sometimes I think "She isn't having to deal with this at all, she's probably wrapped up in that dudes arms right now, content as can be". That sucks, and hurts like H#LL!!! I'll be glad when those thoughts do not creep into my head.
quiet1one1 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 sometimes I think "She isn't having to deal with this at allquote] Oh, she'll "have to deal with this" sometime, somehow, someway....
Author Lost_in_TN Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Well a good day got turned into a bad day a couple of hours ago. My first wife called about me picking up my son this afternoon, and it was all business as usual. Then she said "Your Ex called me". I told her that I didn't want to know anything about it, because it'd only make me feel bad. She said "no not really". Then she proceeds to tell me that the ex said she had absolutely no regrets about what she has done and is totally happy with her new "wonderful man". I said "and that isn't supposed to make me feel bad"??? She said "Well I didn't think it would". Then she continued to tell me that the ex said she and this new guy were going to church and he really treated her well...yadda yadda yadda..... I told her just stop with the bloody details, and thanked her for ruining what had started out as a good day. I told her that it is hard enough seeing them together at work, and her acting as if I never mattered. But then to have you tell me that she said she had absolutely no regrets just drives the point home even further. I then added that the whole deal with them going to church is probably a way for them to deal with guilt, because no matter how happy they really are, they started out by cheating behind my back. No matter what, I still say she should've made a clean break before she started her "new" relationship. The topsy turvy world of breakups, and ex-lovers makes me want to vomit!!!
sumdude Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Well a good day got turned into a bad day a couple of hours ago. My first wife called about me picking up my son this afternoon, and it was all business as usual. Then she said "Your Ex called me". I told her that I didn't want to know anything about it, because it'd only make me feel bad. She said "no not really". Then she proceeds to tell me that the ex said she had absolutely no regrets about what she has done and is totally happy with her new "wonderful man". I said "and that isn't supposed to make me feel bad"??? She said "Well I didn't think it would". Then she continued to tell me that the ex said she and this new guy were going to church and he really treated her well...yadda yadda yadda..... I told her just stop with the bloody details, and thanked her for ruining what had started out as a good day. I told her that it is hard enough seeing them together at work, and her acting as if I never mattered. But then to have you tell me that she said she had absolutely no regrets just drives the point home even further. I then added that the whole deal with them going to church is probably a way for them to deal with guilt, because no matter how happy they really are, they started out by cheating behind my back. No matter what, I still say she should've made a clean break before she started her "new" relationship. The topsy turvy world of breakups, and ex-lovers makes me want to vomit!!! UGH!! Nothing like two exes grabbing the sword together to turn it in your back ... tag teaming you... grrrrr....
Author Lost_in_TN Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Sumdude you are correct!!! I still can't believe that phone call, it has totally made me feel as if I've made very little progress.
sumdude Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Sumdude you are correct!!! I still can't believe that phone call, it has totally made me feel as if I've made very little progress. I have some great quotes by a great lady in our history... don't let them kick you down.. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt, 1937 People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. Eleanor Roosevelt, If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault. Eleanor Roosevelt
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