qunett Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Our connected history is making it so hard to move on ... My ex and I postponed our wedding, three weeks before we were to walk down the aisle, in January 06, with the goal of getting some individual stuff straight (me: start counseling to overcome some intimacy issues (I was struggling with giving up my freedom and sharing my space with someone else ... had lived alone for 17 years at that point and almost 39 years old - so I was dreading the adjustment, despite how much I really loved and wanted to be with him) ... he: take care of some financial issues and some amends issues with his children he hadn't seen in over 15 years (he's a recovering alcoholic (now almost 10 years dry) and was on his 9th step of the 12 step program- "making amends" -and had been delaying contacting his children and ex-wife to set things straight with them). Marriage was still our goal, just delayed a bit. Well, I kept up my side of the deal, but he slowly started to distance himself from me and the relationship ... begin saying stuff like he wasn't sure if he was the kind of person who could ever get married again. By March, I was forced to write an "I'll do whatever it takes to make this work" letter, which he didn't respond to and then a few weeks later, in a phone conversation, I directly asked him "Do you see a future for us" and he was like "I need to get back to you about that". I didn't give him a chance. I wrote him an email and said, "you know what - I think I have my answer. You don't have to call me back". I was devastated. About the same time when all this was occuring, a high school crush contacted me. He'd seen my information on our 20 year reunion web site and sent me an email. In the wake of holding on to the promise of my ex and I continuing our relationship and still getting married, I rebuffed this gentleman's advances. However, after it was clear the ex was moving on, I found myself in a place where I was thoroughly and emotionally screwed up, and thus vulnerable and needy enough to allow the new guy to give it a go. What followed from that was three months of this guy pursuing me from a distance (he was in NJ, I'm in Alabama). He put on the full court press. I allowed his 3x a day calls, regular emails, and eventually agreed to meet him in Atlanta (at a Christian relationship conference - since I am a strong Christian - and he wasn't, but expressed interest; my ex and I shared the same faith, however). We eventually realized after the Atlanta trip and a follow-on visit I made to Jersey to visit family and see him, that the most we could ever be was friends. Never kissed; held hands, and a couple of hugs - that was the most of it. In the final analysis, he only served to be a good way for me to be distracted from truly facing what had happened between myself and the ex. A delay to my grieving process, so to speak. During the summer, while this guy and I were interacting, my ex and I came to a place where we were attempting to be friends (he was still holding fast to his new belief that he was not the kind of man who could get married). I volunteered on the Habitat for Humanity worksite where he works (background: he's the construction manager; we actually met through Habitat in 2005. I was, at the time, working there as an Americorps*VISTA volunteer coordinator. I took a leave of absence from my permanent job to do the assignment. It was a life-changing time for me. My ex came out to volunteer, actually 2 years ago this month, and we hit it off. He became a regular volunteer and we were great friends first and then it transitioned into romance. He asked me out on our first date in March 06 and we were engaged by July 06 (yeah - pretty fast - another reason why we postponed the wedding); he started working there last fall), he helped me move into my new home, he came by to measure my backyard for a fence I planned to have him build for me (and pay him to do the work), we went to the movies, etc.. He resumed his affectionate ways - asking for bear hugs before he left after a visit, snuggling up to me in the movie theater, putting his hand out for me to take it when we were out (I would not -- after all, where was all this affection back in the spring when I swallowed my pride, and practically begged him for us to work it out??). My hopes were that the new guy that was pursuing me would knock any feelings for my ex out of my heart and our friendship - what we were trying to maintain- would suffice. Well, in October of last year, my ex suddenly decided that he didn't think it was "a good idea for me to want to be friends with him". Hmm, I was under the impression we were trying to be friends with "each other". In any case, all contact was halted at that point. I'd progressed quite a bit in the healing, but then just got spun right back to where I was when we initially ended the "romance" side of the relationship back in the spring. I sent him a "what happened with us" letter in December and saw him at a Habitat event in that month as well - which was so painful, that I decided that it was not a good thing for me to participate in further habitat activities - despite the magnitude of the importance of the organization to me, especially that particular affiliate. I literally uprooted my whole life to move to the south to do the Americorps*VISTA assignment, LOVED every minute of my time in the work (living on a $700/mth salary), actually fell in love with the area as well, and only agreed to go back to my former job if they would let me work remotely from Tuscaloosa and planned to continue supporting the org through volunteer time. That was all killed when he requested we not continue contacting each other. Fast forward to this weekend. I haven't seen or spoken to him in 6 months. However, I've been going through the monthly hell of hearing about the Habitat org every month and reexperiencing the joint loss of losing him AND my participation with Habitat, because my church decided to partner with the affiliate this year, and every 2nd saturday goes out to volunteer on a worksite - something I WOULD love to do, but can't, because he would be there. Anyway, I went to a get together last Friday that was thrown by my old Habitat Supervisor. She no longer works there either, but has the privilege of still going by the office, having lunch with old colleagues, volunteering her time once and awhile. She had heard that my ex's father had been ill and that he had traveled earlier this year to visit him in VA. I was quite concerned, cause she didn't have anymore details, other than she believed he was alright now. I had no intentions of ever contacting this man again, cause I know how much harder the healing can be when you do, but I really wanted to know all was okay - so i gave in and called. He didn't even recognize my voice -*sigh*. And then the conversation in general was rather formal, rigid - it was like talking to an acquaintance, not someone I'd almost married. He had just finished working, was tired and hot, and I believe was hungry (come to that soon), so that might have contributed to it. However, the gist of it is that he's uncomfortable talking to me and that for sure will be our last conversation, cause I know he'll never call me - and I won't be calling him again. In our brief conversation, however, I discovered that his father actually died! In January. It's a blessing that in 2005 they reconciled (when our family's met) and then my ex was able to spend about 5 days with his dad before he died. He also had recently reconciled with his daughter, and, this weekend coming up, is going to visit her in Panama City, Florida and his granddaughter - his daughter just had a little girl about 3 months ago. The daughter is only 20 or 21, I believe, herself. It turned out he'd finally sent the amends letters sometime last summer and his daughter read the letter he sent her. His ex-wife and son have not, and still don't want anything to do with him. He expressed gratitude that his daughter has forgiven him and is open to having a relationship with him. In my lament to the good Lord about this situation (and He truly did comfort me), I realized, there's no way to know exactly why God allowed us to get together only for it to not work out, when it seemed SO perfect in the beginning - but the Lord did have his purposes in it. A friend of mine highlighted one purpose that I hadn't considered: it allowed my ex to reconcile with his father in 2005. If not for our trip up north for him to meet my family and me to meet his (whom he hadn't seen in over 15 years), he may not have had the opportunity to connect with his father and re-build a relationship with him (they had stayed in regular contact after 05). So, that's a conciliation. He also revealed that he'd bought a new truck (well - used, 1995-1996) but actually, for the first time in like 20 years, got a bank loan for it - so that's a step in the right direction (one of the other issues that precipitated us postponing the wedding was his position on handling finances (one sticking point was his aversion to banks - savings, checking accts, etc.). Anyway, it was, like I said, a cordial, but very formal conversation. It is quite painful for me to not hear in his voice any amount of joy or happiness when speaking to me...for him not to have not even recognized my voice. He abruptly ended the call: "Well, Kim - you have to let me go. I have to go into the restaurant to eat." "Oh - okay, well, it was good talking to you." "It was good talking to you, Kim. Thanks for calling." "Good-bye" "Good-bye" Click. Click. "You have to let me go." Yet one more petition from him asking me to stay out of his life, because he's moved on. I thought I had moved on (though, honestly - I've been holding on to a belief that we ARE meant to be and eventually we'd fall back into each other's lives and start over again). However, hearing his name, hearing about Habitat, still rocks and reels me - shakes me up - causes me to long for what was, even though, the man I fell in love with no longer exists - at least for me he doesn't. Maybe others see the old, happy side. He's turned off that person to me - to protect himself. To protect me. My mother is perplexed by how he is toward me now. She witnessed his warmth, affection, and love for me and me for him (as she likes to put it "You could eat each other up with a spoon!":->). It doesn't make sense to her at all. Anyway, my thick head will eventually get it - or at least the logic will reach my heart. I want to be rid of the hurt & anger I've been wrestling with (which now seems forever!) of losing him as a friend and losing my ability to stay in contact with HFH Tuscaloosa - AND get over my fear of running into him or hearing about or seeing him with someone new. We were such great friends before and during the romance, and he came to be my best friend in Tuscaloosa. There really is no other person I've met in my 40 years with whom I connect so well on a mind/interest level; they say you should marry the person you have great conversations with, above all else (I would say that you need to first meet on a spiritual level (which we did, as well))- cause in the end, that may be all you have- and he was that person for me. Emphasis on the WAS. I do believe that the Lord is capable of providing even richer friendships in the future. I just need to fully grieve this loss. I suppose I might be further along, emotionally, if I hadn't let the "old flame" from my high school days distract me last summer. Who knows... I feel like the Carrie Fisher character in "When Harry Met Sally". She was dating that married man forever and kept coming to the conclusion "he's not gonna leave his wife, is he?" - but would still go back to him. Of course, she had the luxury of meeting a wonderful guy that finally knocked the married knucklehead out of her heart. I've just been praying for that lucky guy to be Christ - for me to ache for Him and long for Him like I'm longing for this idealized ex (even though he IS a great conversationalist, the best kisser I've ever had, a prayerful, man of God, sexy as all get out (HOT! as my old supervisor at habitat likes to put it), is handy (I LOVE that he can build things), highly intelligent, artistic, affectionate, almost a renaissance sort of guy, essentially everything that I wanted in a life partner, down to the fact that he wears glasses *sigh* - despite all that, he does have flaws, as I do). Only Christ deserves the sort of devotion I've been giving this man WHO DOES NOT WANT ME! Sorry for this long post - but I really needed to vent. Thank GOD for this forum!
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