Father Daughter Relationships

[Cupcake]

Recently, I've been doing some research on fatherhood and parenting because I grew up without a father. There were many father figures in my life (uncles, family friends). I witnessed their interactions with their daughters and understood the love and bonds between them. But I was always curious about what that acutally felt like. To have a man protect me, love me, care for me, spoil me, hold me, and kiss me, without wanting sex from me.

 

There were two occasions in my childhood when two different uncles "tried" to molest me. Somehow, I was strong minded enough to stop them, and I told my mother about it. There was another occasion when one of my mother's boyfriends slapped me in the face because he said I was looking at him flirtatiously. He said I was trying to seduce him. At that time, I was only 5 years old and I didn't know anything about sex.

 

Growing up, I feared men. I was afraid of being sexually abused. I've never hugged, kissed, or expressed non-sexual affection for a man in my entire life. Not even my brother, who also grew up without our father. I was never really comfortable around men. I never knew what to say, or how to act and I avoided being left alone with adult males.

 

As an adult, I realize the affect this has had on my life and relationships with men. I've stopped dating for a while. I'm trying to undestand how to feel about a man. I feel it's too late to have the non-sexual relationship that I deserved with a father. I feel guilty about asking a man I'm dating to simply hold me, rather than having sex with me all the time. I can't blame him for the love I lacked from my father, and expect him to make up for it. But I'm sooo fed up with having to have sex with every single man I date just to prove my worthiness to them.

 

What is it like to have a father? What is it like to be a father with a daughter whom you love very much? Does your love for her interfear with the love you have for your wife/girlfriend/SO. Do you ever have sexual feelings towards her?

[Love2share]

I'm not sure what exactly you're looking for here. If you're hoping men will confess to unatural feelings towards their daughters, look elsewhere. Not only would that be humilating, it would also be grounds for pedifile charges.

 

As for my relationship with my father, we have a loving relationship. He has always been a strict disciplinarian. Sometimes too strict. But I know he loves me because he took care of me. Even now, if I need advice, money, or anything, he's there for me. I guess that's the key. Having him there and knowing that he will always be there is the reason I've always loved him.

 

Sexual feelings never crossed my mind with my dad. I've overheard, and even caught him and my mom having sex when I was younger. But my parents taught me that sex is something to be shared between a married couple. Having sex with a family member is something I find utterly disgusting. Especially with my father.

 

If you have sex with family members, you will have sex with anyone. Otherwise, there should be a line between your sexual partner whom you love. And your relatives. The love doesn't have to be different. You could love your husband as much as you love your father. But the difference between the two is the sexual intimacy shared only with your husband.

[Trimmer]

I'm not sure what exactly you're looking for here. If you're hoping men will confess to unatural feelings towards their daughters, look elsewhere.

 

L2S, I think you read her post differently than I did, and you went off in the wrong direction. I don't think she is looking for further confirmation and confession of experiences that mirror her own; to the contrary, I think she is looking for an indication that, in spite of her own bad experiences, fathers and daughters can have good, healthy relationships. She's thoughtful enough to be aware of the effect that her own negative experience has had on her life, and is soliciting experiences from people who don't share her negative history...

 

 

What is it like to be a father with a daughter whom you love very much?

Cupcake - yes, lots of fathers and daughters have good, healthy, deep, loving bonds that last a lifetime and don't have any sexual overtones at all. I don't claim to be perfect, but I do think I'm a pretty good father. My job is to help my kids develop in a healthy way so that when it's time for them to go out on their own, they are as ready as they can be to continue their lives by themselves.

 

My daughter and I have a great relationship. We talk about a lot of stuff, and she is very expressive verbally, although I realize and accept that this relationship will certainly change and shift as she gets into her teen years. We hug and kiss and are physically close. Last night, she seemed a little down around the time I was dropping them off at their mom's house, and I suggeseted we take a walk; she just looped her arm through mine and we walked and talked alone for a half an hour before I left. I love her with all my heart, but it is a love that is different than the romantic love I would have for a woman. I can't even quantify it as being 'as much' or 'more' or 'less', and although there is no sexual or romantic element, the difference isn't fundamentally sexual intimacy, as L2S seems to say above.

 

The love I have for my daughter is just a different kind of love: deep to the core, unconditional, and cognizant of the fact that this is a love that has eventual separation built-in - interestingly and agonizingly, that is its goal - yet I know the bond will continue forever.

 

Does your love for her interfear with the love you have for your wife/girlfriend/SO.

Just like having a second child didn't mean my love for the first was divided or diminished, the love for my children doesn't diminish my capacity to love a partner in a romantic way (although, being recently divorced, these will be new waters I'll be navigating in the future...) Yes, of course just the fact of having children will be a logistical consideration in terms of my time and family obligations, which will affect any adult relationship I will have in the future, but I am guessing your question was more about the nature of the love. The love for my children doesn't crowd out or fill the place in my soul for a romantic relationship with an adult. They are different things (in more ways than just sex) and I think they are compatible in a healthy person.

 

What is it like to have a father?

Well, although I hope to be more emotionally open with my children than my own father was, my father was an honorable, loving, present person in our family life, a good caretaker - not a bad role model at all. I didn't have any significant negative experiences, as it sounds like you did. So I feel lucky that I had a basically sound model to build upon, and so I feel pretty healthy moving forward with that foundation and making little adjustments as I chart my own course through fatherhood. (And although I realize that you are understandably seeking experiences of daughters, I also have a son, and I feel as strongly about him as well...)

 

Unfortunately, your model of fatherhood and male figures within a family is badly warped by your experiences. It sounds like you have the intellectual ability to recognize this, and to imagine how things could be, but that probably makes it all the more frustrating not to have that healthy experience in your own emotional history. I'm sorry for that. I get so angry when I hear of experiences like yours - I think it's such a betrayal of adult responsibility for the healthy development of children.

 

Do you ever have sexual feelings towards her?

No. It's just not a factor.

 

So either way Cupcake, it's in your hands now. I was going to write "unfortunately" but it's a mixed bag... It's unfortunate that you had these experiences growing up, but on the upside, it's fortunate that you have grown into a thinking adult, with the ability to consider and process your experiences, and now your future is in your own hands. Have you considered some counseling to try to work through some of these experiences? It could offer you a way to take control of some of this history, and ultimately to move on in a healthy way....