mandagirl Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I have been seeing a wonderful man for over a year now whom I love dearly. We practically live together for we spend very little time apart. But, I am upset by some things and wonder if I should be or just try to let it go. 1st.. He use to talk about marrying me, and how good life together would be. Now he just keeps telling me I would be better off with someone else whenever he gets stressed about money, his job, or about his parents (they are ill, his mom with Altzimerher's) 2nd.. He has old cards, love letters (some sexual), pictures, papers with addresses and phone numbers laying around everywhere. He says he just hasn't gotten around to tossing that stuff out. Which may be true, but I would have thought that he would have been considerate enough not to have reminders of past girlfriends (and there have been many) just laying around so that I might accidentally come across. Plus I know he has pictures on his computer, he accidentally pulled some up a few months ago trying to show me one of himself. 3rd..He has lots of phone numbers still in his phone, saying that he needs to know who it is so he can not answer. But I have discovered that recently (unless he kept it better hidden before) that he has been talking to a few of these women. He has disappeared all day twice in the year that we have been together and has pretty much refused to tell me where he was, he would say something but when I ask a question about that he would be overly defensive and never really answer. So do I need to worry that he is suddenly talking to these other women again, if he ever stopped? But he is always getting irritated at me if I don't answer the phone quick enough he is quick to think I am with someone else. Now I wonder about emails that he might be sharing with others. He tends to mention old girlfriends alot when telling me stories about things. 4th..This could be from stress, but he use to treat me like a goddess, like he couldn't get enough of me. Now, I am just handy or at least that is how it feels. I knew he had some porn movies, but he kept from me that he got magazines too until one day I got the mail and there they were. Now he acts offensive if I try to talk to him about it. I don't want to judge, but I don't like it being hidden, makes me wonder else he keeps hidden. Now I because of the loss of goddess status I wonder if he just doesn't take matters into his own hands, I wonder why he has to look at those to accomplish what a live in flesh person would be willing to do? I love him, but I have been seriously hurt before. I have never married and he has twice. We both have trust issues that we are trying to work out. I love him, but I don't want to be a doormat again. I do alot for him to try to be accomidating, maybe too much. Please help me, I need feedback. Thank you!
Lauriebell82 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Wow..few red flags jumped out at me. Saying you'd be better off with someone else is horrible, no matter how stressed he is. The love letters and things from ex gfs that he's leaving around is not very respectful. I think i would be very upset if i found out that my bf kept stuff from ex gfs esp. if they are in plain view. The thing about leaving girls numbers in his phone to know who it is complete b.s. He could just not pick it up if he deosn't remember the number, and if he does he could just tell them that he doesnt want to talk to them. It's an excuse to keep them in his phone. Sounds like he is extremely jealous as well, that usually ends up in disaster. Anyway, have you tried talking to him about any of this? Have you told him that these things bother you? Maybe he would realize what he is doing and try to change it. Honestly, this spells dysfunction loud and clear. These things that are coming up could very well destroy your relationship so you need to get to the bottom of the problem. Like you said, maybe it is stress, but even so stress is not an excuse to treat your gf like crap. Talk to him, if it doesn't help i would seriously consider taking a break from him. Hope I helped you!
Author mandagirl Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I have tried talking to him, but it always winds up turning into arguing. I get no where by the time the arguement is over he never answered any of my questions. He is always calling me passive aggressive. Which I politely tell him to look in the mirror. I don't think that is what I am doing, but if it is I don't know I am, but he sure is. I have a problem about sticking with a relationship until there is no life left. I don't give up easy, plus the fear of having a failed relationship makes me stay when I should probably leave. I don't want to end the relationship if I don't have to. There are so many things about us together that makes us a great couple. He is considerate to me, when we are at my place he helps with dishes, he has even cleaned my bathrooms, toliets included to help me. Yes I to tend to make excuses and explain things away, it's the fear that keeps me from seeing the complete picture. Thank you so much for responding. It really does help to see it from others who aren't close to the situation.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I have tried talking to him, but it always winds up turning into arguing. I get no where by the time the arguement is over he never answered any of my questions. He is always calling me passive aggressive. Which I politely tell him to look in the mirror. I don't think that is what I am doing, but if it is I don't know I am, but he sure is. I have a problem about sticking with a relationship until there is no life left. I don't give up easy, plus the fear of having a failed relationship makes me stay when I should probably leave. I don't want to end the relationship if I don't have to. There are so many things about us together that makes us a great couple. He is considerate to me, when we are at my place he helps with dishes, he has even cleaned my bathrooms, toliets included to help me. Yes I to tend to make excuses and explain things away, it's the fear that keeps me from seeing the complete picture. Thank you so much for responding. It really does help to see it from others who aren't close to the situation. You said you practically live together..maybe u could try spending some time apart. Like not major time but don't spend every single night together. Maybe the issue is that he isn't getting enough space. Go out with your friends, do other things. Maybe he'll realize what he has and stop acting like a jerk.
jenniferlm Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Man, if I were you I would soooo leave. I mean he's sending you all the signs. Next time he brings up how you should be with someone else, come right out and ask him if he'd like to be with someone else, or not in a relationship at the moment. If he keeps stuff from old gf around...it's for a reason...he hasn't totally let it go. If he's calling other women and not telling you where he was when he goes missing...chances are he's doing something he'd rather not tell you about. If he's looking at porn, he might not be satisfied with your relationship. He thinks something is missing. Ask him what it is. Be frank, and don't be angry or defensive. He might not feel as though you are emotionally supportive or that you value him as a man...or it might be something else, that you won't be able to fix. But mostly men look at porn to satisfy some need in them that's not being met. They're unhappy and so they want to look at the porn to try to feel better. Now he may not be unhappy with you....we don't know...he may just be so unhappy with himself right now. but this along with everything else that he does??? tell him you'd like to go to couples counseling or consider being apart. Why be this unhappy? You only live once.
SadForever Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I hate to say it, but it sounds like the signs are there. My ex acted in similar ways before breaking up with me... it's like they just cant be direct about their feelings and instead act weird and you're supposed to figure it out. Sorry and good luck to you...
chryssy83 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I think that you do understand....Can you honestly say you didn't come here to either confirm your true feelings or in hopes that someone would say you're wrong?
Author mandagirl Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 I know I am probably going to get hurt, but I can't seem to help it. Chryssy83 you are right. I do know. I wanted someone to tell me it would be alright and hey why not do this, it will make it work out alright. Once I give my heart to someone I can leave until there is absolutely nothing left. No matter how miserable I am. I have to try until there is no longer a purpose to try. It's a combo of feelings. I don't want to lose the one I love, fear of failure, being a disappointment, and feeling like I am not enough of a woman or a person to have someone want just me for me. I care too much. I am a giver who gives too much and I will have to lose a part of myself I guess before I can give up and go home and mend. Thank you all so much for your responses. I really appreciate them. And please, if you still have advice I am all eyes. Thank you. Sweet, that's a death sentence. I am always being told how sweet I am and how thoughtful. I think I must be too sweet for my own good. They think they want it, but really I am just a toothache.
chryssy83 Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Don't be down on yourself. You are worth more and you deserve better than the way you are being treated. But even if everyone in the world tells you to leave, it's still your choice. Just keep listening to your gut and remember that you always have the option of making a different choice. If you do decide to leave, you will find someone else. There is someone out there who will love you for you and treat you like the goddess you are (at least most of the time!). We all do stupid things sometimes for love. But in the end, just be grateful that you have the capacity to love. I think some people don't and those are the ones who are REALLY destined for misery. Take care and good luck.
Mezzi Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Hello Mandagirl, I cant believe some of the things that im reading in your initial post. I actually dont think this guy is a wonderful man at all it seems like he is trying to turn you off from him. In my opinion he wants the relationship to end and is doing this to push you. The fact that he has old love letters etc. shows a total lack of consideration of your feelings. He doesnt treat you as well as in the past, he is talking to other women, marriage hasnt even been whispered by him in a while. I think you are putting up with a lot of disrespect from this man and you need to think seriously about pursuing other options. Really I dont know how much longer you can really put up with this behaviour.
lonelybird Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 I care too much. I am a giver who gives too much and I will have to lose a part of myself I guess before I can give up and go home and mend. . Giver is good, but you give in order to receive MUCH from him, that not real giver, I mean you depend on him too much. that can make you a doormat, not equal loving partner. You have to learn not to depend on him that much. you have to learn to be ok and peace with yourself first. then you will learn to respect yourself, and where lay healthy boundaries, and when shouldn't put up with.
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