Deeko Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I don’t even know where to begin with this and what I’m about to write, might not make a lot of sense to anyone but me, but let me try. Okay, so I’ve been with my boyfriend since September 2005. Things in the beginning were GREAT. I was happy, content and on Cloud 9 all of the time and when I was away from him, I wanted to be with him and was so very happy and had butterflies in the stomach, and for once in my life, I felt sure of my relationship because he was a mature person who knew what he wanted and I was finally happy to not have to play mind games. Time went by and things were still really good up until July of last year. It was so weird. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie when all of a sudden, it’s like someone flipped a switch and turned my feelings off or something. I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden, I felt discontent and began to wonder if the grass would be greener on the other side. Don’t ask! I started feeling like maybe I was spending too much time with him and I was getting bored and the “mystery” of it all was no longer a mystery. I felt like I knew him inside out and while I always said that is what I wanted in a relationship, I think I just got bored with the idea of being too comfortable, so I started telling myself that I was no longer happy (for some reason). So, in my mind, I started pushing myself away, further and further and started dwelling on little things about him that bothered me in order to “convince” myself he wasn’t for me. I think what I’ve done is I’ve pushed him so far away in my mind, that it no longer feels right anymore and when I’m with him, I think I’ve made myself not feel anything for him anymore which really scares the crap out of me because I WANT to feel how I once did and I want to be happy with him but now when I’m with him, I dwell on this damn feeling and these damn thoughts I’ve put into my head. I’ve tried the whole “stay away for some time and see how it feels” gig and after that time, there is still a part of me that feels this way but I know I can’t let him go. We have done so much together and really do have fun together. I don’t feel like I could ever be “just friends” with him and that right there tells me a lot, but how do I put that “feeling” and that love back into the relationship? I don’t want to let it go. I can’t. He is such a good person, he loves me, he treats me right, has good morals, it just feels like the love (on my part) as slipped away. I know after awhile, the giddiness of it all vanishes, and maybe this is just a new stage of it all and I need to learn to adjust to it since I’ve just never been in a relationship for this long. Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Sheba Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 With the usual caveat that I am not a qualified professional - I would guess that you are a commitmentphobe. I say that because you seem to have no complaints about the man, because you don't understand your own feelings and because it is not "normal" to go from love to ambivalence in a heart beat. Have you been in other long term relationships? How did they end? Have you ever sabotaged a relationship (by cheating, for example)?
Author Deeko Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 Thanks for your reply. I'm beginning to wonder if I have inner issues with myself such as depression. A "normal" person wouldn't dwell and think the way I do when I really do have alot going for me. I have never been in any other long term relationship other than this one. This is my longest and most serious. My other relationships have ended because the guy had a change of heart or something along those lines. I'm just scared to be feeling this way when I really have no reason to.
Sheba Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 If you are worried that you are "obsessing too much", you should go see a counsellor. Don't be so quick to diagnose yourself! A counsellor will help you decide whether or not this man just isn't "the one" for you or if there is something else going on.
Author Deeko Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 It is so weird because I go through phases. Sometimes, the feeling of happiness is there and I feel how I once did, but it doesn't last long so that's when I start wondering if it's MYSELF. I dont know why I'd be obsessing over this if he wasn't the one. If I didn't want this to work, I wouldn't deal with my feelings that I've been having. It's so weird. I still see him all the time and if I didn't want to, I wouldn't do it, but maybe it's just I'm in the "comfort zone" with him. I never thought being comfortable would feel so awkward. If you are worried that you are "obsessing too much", you should go see a counsellor. Don't be so quick to diagnose yourself! A counsellor will help you decide whether or not this man just isn't "the one" for you or if there is something else going on.
orangehose Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Hey there, I have a tendency to obsess in and over relationships as well. Not a healthy tendency (no obsession is), and it's something we should both seek to change, perhaps through professional guidance if necessary. Like you, I'll feel totally into the relationship at one moment and then a few hours later have completely changed my mind or feel indifferent to it. Though part of the reason for obsessing - and perhaps you can relate to this - is that every relationship feels like a decision, like you're buying a house and don't want to go wrong. This makes particular sense if you're a female at an age when your peers are getting married (let's say, mid to late twenties and early thirties). It's also a problem if, like myself, you haven't dated widely and are not sure what you want in a relationship... And yeah, I think discontent over minor things in a relationship can get magnified over time, and the good things diminish in one's consciousness.
Author Deeko Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 Wow, you really hit the nail on the head about how I'm feeling and i'm glad I'm not alone. I have been looking into councelling and if it weren't so expensive, I'd go for it. I just wish I could be HAPPY and at ease when I'm with him. I dont want to let him go, but my mind has completley taken over and I don't know how to be happy anymore even though I should be. I think too much and put ideas and thoughts in my head. That's how this whole thing started!
JeanQueen Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Wow, this exact same thing happened to me. I convinced myself for so long that it wasn't right and I could find someone better. It finally ended and I regretted it for a long time. It was like after I couldn't have him anymore the interest suddenly rematerialized and I wanted him more than ever. Well, after many months of heartach and self reflection I realised that he really wasn't the right guy for me and I must have been listening to my instincts. He started being a real jerk towards the end too. So, that helped a lot I think if you've lost all romantic feelings for him then it's over. It's really hard to regain those feeling. And honestly, should you really have to work on feeling romantic love for someone?
orangehose Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Wow, you really hit the nail on the head about how I'm feeling and i'm glad I'm not alone. I have been looking into councelling and if it weren't so expensive, I'd go for it. I just wish I could be HAPPY and at ease when I'm with him. I dont want to let him go, but my mind has completley taken over and I don't know how to be happy anymore even though I should be. I think too much and put ideas and thoughts in my head. That's how this whole thing started! Yes, I relate - I wish I could just be calm and happy in a relationship without analyzing it or doubting particular aspects of it, etc. I definitely think I waste too much time thinking about the relationship, rather just BEING in it. On the other hand, I've found with more experience that feelings of ambivalence often do have a source, and it helps to name that source. What sorts of things are you doubting? I find that even while I'm with my partner, I'll sometimes wonder whether I should continue the relationship. But since it's my second relationship, I know exactly what bothers me about the other person and why - and also what I really appreciate about the other person and why. In my first relationship, I was doing some analyzing (somewhat more, actually) but it was more stressful because I'd feel like something was wrong with ME for having these doubts, or that I should feel completely satisfied, etc etc... In other words, I didn't feel like i had the RIGHT to be unsatisfied with parts of my relationship. Now I trust my own judgment more. Do you feel like you can list reasons for feeling ambivalent about the relationship? You may tell yourself that these reasons don't matter, but as long as you articulate them to yourself, you'll at least know why you're feeling this ambivalence - even if the reason is just like, "oh I'm bored and wonder what it would be like to be physically and emotionally intimate with another person". Another thing you may want to try (I've tried this, not very good at it yet but working on it) is just setting aside some time in the day to think about. Be like, "okay at 7 pm each day I will spend 45 minutes thinking about this relationship, wondering why I'm not happy with it or if I should be satisfied with it"... This may help with the feeling of being overwhelmed by confusion...
Hitman10000 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 People who create the term "commitment phobia" are incorrect because the truth is, if she or he was very awesome they'd really commit long term. When you get that sudden gut instinct saying "You know, something doesn't feel right" and you are right. Why be stuck in a relationship where you feel doesn't add to your personality? Too many people get into marriages or long term relationships which would've ended months from the start but they stick with it because it just seems right. It's very awesome to be in a comfortable relationship with someone, where you don't have to have your own agenda or order someone around or be ordered. A real good relationship is one that involves two people who don't change much for each other because their personalities mesh well. That in itself is very healthy.
readerjanet Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I don't know. I really relate. Maybe, feelings of doubt should be acted on early in the relationship, but I think it's hard to give credence to them when they are balanced out by positive feelings. I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a lot of anxiety/ doubts in my present relationship, but they're intermittent. Sometimes, I feel great about my relationship and sometimes I feel an incredible emptiness inside/ the sense that I should just "know" he's right for me and not have to work so hard to keep myself invested in things. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now, and he's just moved in with me. I was very excited about the move-in at first, but now that he's here I'm having a hard time adjusting. The pain of the adjustment is made worse by the guilt I feel about having 'led him' into a situation that may not work out and about freaking out in front of him when he's is happy and excited about our new living situation. I know it's not my responsibility to make him happy, but it's hard not to feel badly about how your moods/ anxieties affect another--especially when that other person is wonderful and loving and very compassionate about how you're feeling. Do doubts and anxieties about a relationship really mean the relationship is not right or are they a sign that I just have my own stuff to work out? I can't seem to figure it out.
LoveLace Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I wonder if you've ever tried to talk to him about these feelings your having? Probably not because your hoping it gets resolved an easier way. It'd be difficult, but you should either just end it or try to discuss this with him. You say that you dont' want to let him go, because he loves you and etc etc., because his love for you is beneficial to you in a sense that he probably makes you feel good, yadda yadda..but of course, if you don't feel "in love" with him anymore then it's unfair to him that you hold on just because the thought of letting go is hard for you. I"m sure that you probably realize this, and it's probably why your hoping for a way to re-invent your feelings...because your feeling guilty that this has happened. I can relate somewhat, when I went away to college and left behind my high school sweet-heart, I suddenly just fell out of love, when before that he was the love of my life and I wanted to marry him. But in my case this was due to discovering there was a whole new life out there for me to live, and the new life felt a lot bigger and more exciting than my boyfriend of 3 years. I behaved like you in the sense that I got further away and he could see my interest in him disappearing slowly; so he was the one who finally broke up with ME, and I was relieved, so I got the easy way out. Has your boyfriend said that he's noticed any change in how you act towards him? Cuz he might start to pick up on it, like my ex did. I know in my situation, there was no way the feeling was just going to come back to me. I knew it was just gone. I suggest just laying all out on the table for him; there is a chance that it's just a phase for you. But if you ended it, it wouldn't be fair for you to suddenly say the feelings are back and you want him back...Yet, you can't hang on just to hang on. If this was reversed and he was secretly feeling this way towards YOU....wouldn't you want to know?
Recommended Posts