silktricks Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 The problem with me though Silk is that I can't seem to do that. Aversion therapy. I have tried. I have alot of outside interests. But I feel beaten like I just can't rebound. It has beaten me. It stays with me. I think of it all the time. I have a therapist! I just think that for some people, it cuts very deep. I never had anyone I could trust before my H. His disloyalty was more than I could take, I guess. I know deep down I need to divorce him. It may not seem like it, but believe me, I know what you are talking about. I lost a lot all at the same time. My H blamed my slow recovery on that ... I told him that he'd better read some stats, because I was not only not behind the curve, I was a fair amount in front of it!! Some people can't get by it, though, and that's not surprising. I think most of what got me through, though, was my H's attitude. He took total responsibility, didn't try to make me feel like there was something wrong with me, went to truly extraordinary lengths to make me feel OK about myself, him and us. I pulled no punches with him, and he knew exactly how I felt at every moment, even including two suicide attempts. I didn't try to pretend that things were all right when they weren't. You always give such great advice and insight Silk. Sorry I can't remember, but how long has it been for you? Thanks so much, Melissa, you can't know how much I appreciate that!!! It's been almost exactly three years now. I'm at the year and a half mark now and hoping beyond hope that I can someday soon be able to open my eyes in the morning, go about my day and close my eyes at night and not have H's A force its weasly little way into my thoughts. I try to force myself to not think about it but it's the weirdest, stupidest, won't get the f*ck out of my head thing I've ever experienced ... I wish math facts had stuck with me like this freakin' thing does, I might be able to do more than add and subtract. It's like its got these icky little fingers wrapped around my brain and subconciousness and every d*mn single time I finally get it out of my head for a moment, it takes those icky little fingers and squeezes and squeezes until "it" pops back in. I really don't think that trying NOT to think about things ever works. I mean really. Try NOT to think about ice cream. As soon as you try to NOT think about something, then that's the one and only thing that is going to keep peering around corners in your brain. It's like trying to get that song that you really really HATE from reverberating hour after hour through everything you're doing!!! Like JB, I feel like "it" has beaten me and H's disloyalty was and is more than I can take. I trusted him with my life and he took that trust and ran with it. I pray that I will be able to forgive him ... soon. I keep thinking in my head "To err is human ... to forgive divine." So, okay, God, help me to forgive. It could be that because I'd been through a fair amount of other stuff in my life, that I had some experience with lies and betrayal. This was worse than anything before, simply because of the level of trust that I had in him, though. I counted on his loyalty, depended on him showing the same amount of loyalty for me that I felt for him. But I could also look at me and my actions and see that I didn't SHOW him the amount of loyalty that I felt. So because I could honestly look at my own actions, and see how my actions probably contributed to his insecurity, it got me past some stuff that I may not otherwise have been able to get past. I also prayed a lot. I prayed both for the ability to forgive him and for His help in making me a good wife. I never once, however, prayed for the ability to forgive HER. In fact I got really really angry in church one day when they were talking about forgiving those who sin against you. It may be better for me to forgive her, but it will happen when (and if) it happens, and it hasn't happened yet.
Trimmer Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 OK, I'm about 2-1/2 years past D-Day and 2 years since separation. Somewhere along the way, probably 6 or 9 months in, when I had just really started to accept the reality of my life without her, and with the idea that I was ready to move on and look forward, I had a dream where I had established a good, close relationship with a new woman (a generic person, not any character from my real life...) It felt good, and genuine, and I felt safe, for the first time since "all this" had happened. And then, in the dream, I discovered that she had deceived me, and she was married. And right then I woke up. The anguish stuck with me for most of that whole day. I don't know if it was more of a "tables turned" thing, where I had become the OM I so deeply resented, or if it was a rehashing, in a different context, of being deceived and betrayed by a partner...
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 MY GOD Trimmer, I've had the exact same dream. It was post D day but I was working things out with my H who as recently admitted that the A continued a year and a half after D day. This dream is what led me to search OW and to find love shack. I have posted this before and wanted to copy and paste but I can't find the darn thing... Anywho... I awake in a moutain cabin and look over to see the most beautiful man. The feelings of love and adoration that I had for him were overwhelming (he also wasn't someone known to me). I slipped out of bed, went to the kitchen, started coffee, got everything ready to quickly whip of breakfast when he awoke and stepped outside with my coffee. I was in heaven (the only good dream and pleasant feeling I experienced after D day). I came in and found him at the table putting on his shoes and there was a duffle on the floor in front of him. I kissed him and told him I'ld have omelettes ready in a jiffy. He looked at me and said "IWWH, you KNOW I have to go back to my wife." It was gut wrenching, I woke up sobbing. That's when I did a search on OW to find out their perspective and how I found LoveShack! How weird is that??? What the heck does our dream mean???
Trimmer Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Yeah, I don't know. It's clearly a mixed bag... On one hand, like you, it was the first really good, safe feeling I had about a relationship, and then for it to be yanked away like that was pretty brutal. On one hand, I felt some guilt. Based on the horror and sense of betrayal I felt, I'm sure I wasn't previously aware she was married within the dream, but then my waking self starts to question my dream self... Was I just fooling myself? In denial? It gets twisted pretty quickly. Or was it just an allegory? Is it saying, don't be too high and mighty in my role as victim, as we all have elements of both victim and transgressor within us? Or just prodding me to see the human facet of the "other side" - something that might be intellectually fair, but that emotionally, I resist?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Or was it just an allegory? Is it saying, don't be too high and mighty in my role as victim, as we all have elements of both victim and transgressor within us? Or just prodding me to see the human facet of the "other side" - something that might be intellectually fair, but that emotionally, I resist? Whatever the reason, this answer probably holds the key to moving forward and past it, but in my case it would have to have been clairvoyance as I had no idea of the true level of betrayal until a week ago, and D day had been 2 years previously. I've been hear trying to conquer this one since the dream, so you think I'ld have a leg up. As necissary as it might be my efforts seem futile!
Author JustBreathe Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Okay.. this IS wierd... the similarities are interesting to me. I had dreams like that also.. faceless men... making me feel sexy and desirable and happy again... Once I dreamed I was sitting outside a bistro flirting with a man and he was loving it... my husband was sitting right next to him all dejected and alone. It felt darn good as he used to flirt right in front of me like I was invisible. But in reality, I'm not much of a flirt. Maybe we just want to get even and we're not wired that way so we do it in our dreams. Like the dream where I'm beating his a$$ but I never actually did it. I don't feel like I was responsible for what he did. I was no Mother Teresa, and believe me, he wasn't either, our marriage was not perfect, but what marriage is? Marriage isn't nirvana and perfection, it is faith and loyalty and trust despite their imperfections. It's through thick and thin. You don't go out and cheat when the going gets rough, even when it's VERY rough. You might get fed up and get sick tired of each other sometimes but you don't betray your spouse. I do not feel responsible for what he did. Maybe that' s my problem, I feel too much like a victim. But maybe It's justifiable to feel that way. Confusing.
Trimmer Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Maybe we just want to get even and we're not wired that way so we do it in our dreams. Like the dream where I'm beating his a$$ but I never actually did it. I don't feel like I was responsible for what he did. I was no Mother Teresa, and believe me, he wasn't either, our marriage was not perfect, but what marriage is? Marriage isn't nirvana and perfection, it is faith and loyalty and trust despite their imperfections. It's through thick and thin. You don't go out and cheat when the going gets rough, even when it's VERY rough. You might get fed up and get sick tired of each other sometimes but you don't betray your spouse. I do not feel responsible for what he did. Maybe that' s my problem, I feel too much like a victim. But maybe It's justifiable to feel that way. Confusing. I don't think that disclaiming responsibility for his choices makes you "too much a victim"... What else could you do, say "his choice to cheat was partly my fault?" That's beating yourself down, and it's not on your shoulders. I agree with your statements above about faith, loyalty, and the reality of marriage with imperfections. I always said that I take my share of the responsibilty for the state of things within our marriage, but that I place sole responsibility on her for her choice to go outside the marriage. Accept responsibility for what you should be responsible for, and insist that others take responsibility that is reasonably theirs alone. That's not being a victim.
Lynna Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 This has been an interesting thread, I finally have gotten up the guts to post two dreams I had. I did not have many dreams I remember for awhile after dday because I drank myself to sleep for about a month until the initial shock wore off. These two dreams occured about 4 months post dday while my H and I were separated because of his new job but after we had decided to work on our M. In the first dream my H and the OW were having sex and I was an invsible observor, like a fly on the wall or something. I woke up from that dream very upset and almost called my H in the middle of the night. I sobbed my eyes out for hours. I felt like I did after dday. I called him on Saturday saying that it had been a very bad night but he was out with friends and could not talk long. He called me back later and we talked a lot. I did not tell him the full details of the dream, just that it had been about him being with some other woman and that it upset me. He assured me that nothing was going on, full professions of love, phone by the bed & call in the middle of the night if you have to, etc, etc. Two days later I had a dream that he was picking up the OW from the airport. They had a long kiss and then he took her bags and they left. Again I woke up pretty upset and this time I was very apprehensive. I did not tell him about that one. I was very scared that these dreams were real. Well, I went to visit him a short time later and I found a list of airline times on his desk. I was not even looking, they were laying right there. I swear, it is like he wanted me to know. They were not my flight times, so I had to ask, even though as soon as I saw them I KNEW! When I confronted him, he first tried to lie saying he had picked up his boss. But I KNEW, I can tell when he is lying, his whole demeanor, facial expressions, body language, etc. changes. I started sobbing, I told him I knew she came, I told him about the dreams. Boy that shocked him! He finally admitted the truth. Yes, she had come down there to visit him and to visit another friend as well. He (and she) both swear that nothing happened while she was there. She just really wanted to visit the town. They both swear that her H knew (though that does not matter as he does not know about the A), and that she tried to get my H to tell me that she was visiting. I really don't know if I believe my H. As strange as it may seem I believe her a little more than him. I think that he wanted something to happen. I do know however for a fact that he has not seen her again. And if he does, that is it, I am leaving. That is the reason I hesitated to post. I know people will think I am completely stupid and that I am deluding myself. I wonder about that myself. I know that I have issues I need to work through as does my H and as do we as a couple. I only post because a couple people were talking about prophetic dreams, and I wanted to confirm that they do happen. I was experimenting with some crystals at the same time, in desperation really, and think that may have enhanced my receptivity.
Recommended Posts