BS: Tell me some of your dreams ...

[JustBreathe]

A thread someone posted yesterday got me thinking about the many affair-related dreams I've had since D-Day.

 

This one (among others) has stayed with me for a long time.

 

About 2 years post finding out about my cheating husband, I had this dream that I walked up to our house and there was this skaggy looking woman smoking, sitting on the front stoop. I said "What are you doing here?" she just looked at me and looked away, took a drag on her cigarette, all disgusted like I was nothing to her. So I yelled at her, "What are you doing here? Get the hell out of here!!" She slowly stood up like she was tired and began walking away very slowly. As she did, she passed right by me and said quietly, "I'll be back" and sashayed away like she had not a care in the world. I just stared after her all hurt and angry.

 

I think this dream was not about the fear of another woman actually being with my H, it was about the feelings I had ... the hurt and the anger... When she said, I'll be back. That's what it was about.

 

It's interesting how years later the residual effects of the affair(s) linger on and permeate even your dreams when you sleep...

 

I am curious to hear some of your dreams, for no other reason except I'm curious. If you feel like you can share them.

[Melissa277]

The one and only dream I had about this nightmare happened like three nights after D-day. It was so bizzare that I woke up immediately and started crying.

 

I hadn't slept one wink since the sh*t hit the fan. I was laying on my sister's couch and had finally dozed off. I dreamed that WH and I were back together and we were at a huge car dealership. There were those "car dealership flags" flying and hanging all over the place so that it was hard to see the cars or people or anything. We had to keep moving them in order to walk around and actually see the cars. When we finally found one we liked, WH started laughing ... a weird, hideous laugh ... like a mocking kind of thing. I looked across the way to see OW in a wheelchair ... she was as plain as day through all the flags. WH starting walking toward her and turned around and said to me "I'll be right back." I just stood there like a nincompoop watching this whole scene while he went up and put his arms around her. Then he wheeled her away and never came back.

 

I haven't slept or gone to a car dealership since.

[JustBreathe]

Melissa, what an interesting dream!

 

I wonder if the OW in your case was one of those "Help me, I'm a damsel in distress!" all needy and helpless, so your H felt like her Knight in Shining Armor. Just a guess. Or maybe she's hanging on all sorry and dog-eyed.

 

The cars and flags... have you ever tried to figure this dream out? I have read where if a dream stays with you, you should try to figure it out.

[Melissa277]

I have no clue what any of it means. But I just realized this and it's really weird ... in both of our dreams someone said "I'll be back." Gives me the creeps ...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I had this dream about 5 months after D day and still did not know the name of the OW.

 

I was following my H and another woman in his car and he pulled down a dirt road that dead ended into a forrest. I stayed behind and pulled up after they had walked into the woods. I got just a minute into these VERY thick woods full of underbrush, it was all of a sudden pitch black, I was panicking trying and literally being torn to shreads by the underbrush. I kept moving but I had no idea which direction. I was screaming bloody murder for my H, and all of a sudden out of nowhere a friend of ours pops up. I start hysterically telling him what is happening and he told me to come back the way I came, I turn to look at him and call him an ugly name or two and he is gone. More tearing through the forrest, I remember actually feeling my tears stinging the scatches on my face, and then my friend again, my telling about falling over a stump into an ant bed and more of the same thing, "go back the way you came", this repeats like this all night it felt like and when I woke up I had never made it out of the forrest but I felt like I had been run over by a truck.

 

I have always wanted to know what "go back the way you came meant", even asked my friend who just laughed hysterically at my recollection of the dream.

 

Nobody said I'll be back though!

[NoIDidn't]

I suffered from the worse insomnia after D-day, so I don't recall any dreams from that time. But, I did have a dream before my H even cheated earlier in that year.

 

In my dream I went up to my H's job. Something I do on a regular basis to give him lunch or other things he may call me for. When I got there he was stepping into limo with one of his co-workers. He completely ignored me, even though I know that the both of them saw me. She looked at me with a smug look. I felt so betrayed, humiliated, hurt, and sad. I awoke in a puddle of tears.

 

Around the same time that I had that dream, I told him about it, he dreamt that we were going through a nasty divorce and I was taking him for everything (and WON, LOL).

 

I checked out both dreams in a dream analysis book and the results were really dead on. My dream was determined to be one of fearing abandonment - who doesn't? His dream was one of impending marital strife, and that the person having the dream is the one with the issue that needs to be addressed. It was an interesting time.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I suffered from the worse insomnia after D-day, so I don't recall any dreams from that time.

 

 

I too didn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time WHEN I could fall asleep the first year but the worst part of 2 years is actually the first breath taken in the morning. I wake up and with the first breath I take it all comes back to me like a flood, what my life is like, where I am, the burden that I'll carry around and try to ignore all day. Its gotten a little better and then a little worse again but there hasn't been one day that I don't wake up and REMEMBER.

[JustBreathe]

Horses! Amazing.. I think you figured that one out, it was a premonition! I remember just before d-day, for about 6 months at least I would cry for no apparent reason and could not stop crying. We went to a festival and I did this and my H was like "Why are you crying?" and I said "I don't know!" I even had my hormones checked as I thought I might be going through some kind of pre-menopause, THAT is how messed up I was. It's like you have a feeling, a premonition that something bad is going to happen. I think marriage vows are stronger than people think. I think they do mean something. They bind you. What's more, a person always knows deep inside when their spouse is sleeping around. It's true. They might say they didn't suspect a thing, but somewhere deep inside you knew and you wouldn't face it.

 

NoIdidn't... torn to shreds by the underbrush.. tears stinging your cheeks, well that one is obvious isn't it! "Go back the way you came" maybe don't think about it, don't pursue it? Definitely you were afraid of your husband's leaving you behind. Wow!

 

So, in our dreams, Melissa and I had that same phrase "I'll be back" and then NoIdidn't "Go back the way you came". Hmmm.. I think maybe some feeling like we just wanted things to be the way they were? I know I would give anything in this world if I could be as naive as I was before d-day and not know... but then again.. I'm glad I do know.. Go figure.

 

At any rate, things won't ever go back. I will never again enjoy my husband the same way. Things are forever changed.

[JustBreathe]

And just for the record... it's been 5 years and I still think about it every single day also... I can't believe he screwed around on me for so long and I was blind to it. I can't believe my marriage is in such a state when I truly loved my husband, envisioned so much for us. I was not perfect, neither was he, but never in a million years would I have believed it could happen. That my marriage would be so unhappy and damaged.

 

I used to imagine leaving him. I would look in the mirror and see an old tired woman, all red-eyed and black circles under her eyes from not sleeping, fat, ugly, haggard, and completely undesirable. I felt I'd go crazy just being around him. Needed to leave him or I'd go nuts. I even made appointments went to look at a couple of condo's near my kids' school. The dresser here.. the couch there... the bed over here... and here a spot where I might read and for once be peaceful. But I couldn't do it and I still can't.

 

Nothing boils my blood like the ho's who say, they have no responsibility to the betrayed spouse as they made no promises. They may as well say that accomplices to murder have no responsibility to the person murdered. Instead of doing what they can to mend what they have helped to cause, they blather on and flap their gums and deny responsibility. It is murder of someting beautiful and hopeful that lives in your heart, something innocent and full of good intention. It is the absolute lowest form of treason. I can't and won't forget it. Ever.

 

What is more, I hate when cheaters say they never intended to hurt the spouse - of course they did. At some point, they thought about their spouse and they did it anyway. Tell me that didn't serve some selfish little desire to hurt their spouse in some way. For whatever petty little grievance they might conjure up in their minds. Affairs are always meant to hurt the other spouse, if only because they disrespect the spouse and degrade their marriage and break every promise they ever made to them.

[mountain girl]

Like most here, sleep has only returned in the last couple weeks...but about 3 months after D-day (H's EA) I had a dream that we went on a nice vacation - staying in a little bungalow type place with a sliding door to the outside. But then it became a work related trip. At about 2 in the morning he decides he needs to go outside to do something and decides to go butt naked...as he gets outside a coworker (not the OW but someone I actually know) takes his picture...like they were staying up all night to "catch him" for the the heck of it.

 

Then he came inside and it is a big party and he goes over and sits with the OW. I am sitting next to some other woman and she is telling me that it is for real, that he is actually having a full blown A and not just an EA and to better believe it because it's true.

 

Then all of a sudden he is upstairs in a loft partying with some other coworkers. Totally leaving me by myself to fend for myself...as he, in the awake world, has done like forever. Especially when we were younger and actually did go to parties.

 

I woke up almost crying (was in the dream) and said I had a nightmare. He asked what about, I said you don't want to know. In the morning he asked again and I told him and he said nothing.

 

It was very upsetting...but it is just a dream, right?

[mountain girl]

I used to imagine leaving him. I would look in the mirror and see an old tired woman, all red-eyed and black circles under her eyes from not sleeping, fat, ugly, haggard, and completely undesirable. quote]

 

This almost makes me cry because I do the same thing. And my H has only had an EA.

[Darth Vader]

I read an event that someone else posted in the infidelity forum, it's an older one, and I can't remember ther thread. It was about a guy and his wife who had friends over, (they were her friends), anyway he was drunk and went to bed, well, he just "woke up" out of a sound sleep, went and checked in a guess bedroom, and there was his wife, on top of the man that was one of her friends, he must have "woke up" right when she went down on the man. So it seems that a person may be able to tell in some cases if the other spouse is having sex right then. Has anyone ever heard of this or experienced this too?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm pretty sure that I've had a panic attack for no reason many times during it. I think this might be the very similar to when you can tell when you kid is going to do something wrong before they do it.

[mopar crazy]

I didn't get much sleep either. When I did fall asleep it lasted about 15-20 minutes.

 

I had a lot but none of them really stuck out like the one I remember the most. It's pretty X rated so I apologize. Can't believe I'm even going to post this.

 

We just got separated, just found out about the A shortly afterwards. WH and OW lied about their A but I knew differently.

 

 

Anyhow, I finally had gotten to sleep when I had a dream of being right in the room w/ them. I was only about six or seven feet from them. WH was having sex w/ her doggy style and she was moaning his name and saying how good it felt!

 

I woke up wanting to puke! In fact I think I ran to the bathroom! It felt so real! God I hated that dream!!!

 

And the ones that I hated were the one's I had at my sisters. I slept on her couch and I when I had dreams I would wake up I would start crying. Her and her H bedroom was right next to the LR. I didn't want them to hear me crying. Hated staying there at that time.

[silktricks]

What is more, I hate when cheaters say they never intended to hurt the spouse - of course they did.

 

{snip}

 

Affairs are always meant to hurt the other spouse, if only because they disrespect the spouse and degrade their marriage and break every promise they ever made to them.

 

I believe that the primary cause of an affair is specifically to hurt the spouse. Unfortunately, it may not even be the spouse you're married to at the time but that's a different story. In many (maybe even most cases?) the OW/OM is only being used as a tool. I know for a fact that was the case in my H's A.

[silktricks]

Like everyone else, I couldn't sleep, but what little sleep I had was filled with dreams. Two of them were repetitive.

 

1. I was driving and I saw my H's truck at this restaurant. I stopped to go in and see him, but when I walked in he was sitting there with another woman. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and she told me to go away, that I wasn't wanted there. I walked out of the restaurant, went to the car took out a baseball bat and proceeded to beat the sh*t out of his truck. I can remember feeling the glass breaking, and the side caving in.

 

2. My husband and I were driving in the mountains. We came upon a school bus that was hanging off the edge of a cliff. The kids were all out and safe, but the bus driver was still inside. My husband went in to try to save her even though I begged him not to. He said he'd be right back out. When he went in the bus she closed the door and drove off the cliff. He was at the door trying to get out and she was laughing.

[Melissa277]

And just for the record... it's been 5 years and I still think about it every single day also... I can't believe he screwed around on me for so long and I was blind to it. I can't believe my marriage is in such a state when I truly loved my husband, envisioned so much for us. I was not perfect, neither was he, but never in a million years would I have believed it could happen. That my marriage would be so unhappy and damaged.

 

I used to imagine leaving him. I would look in the mirror and see an old tired woman, all red-eyed and black circles under her eyes from not sleeping, fat, ugly, haggard, and completely undesirable. I felt I'd go crazy just being around him. Needed to leave him or I'd go nuts. I even made appointments went to look at a couple of condo's near my kids' school. The dresser here.. the couch there... the bed over here... and here a spot where I might read and for once be peaceful. But I couldn't do it and I still can't.

 

Nothing boils my blood like the ho's who say, they have no responsibility to the betrayed spouse as they made no promises. They may as well say that accomplices to murder have no responsibility to the person murdered. Instead of doing what they can to mend what they have helped to cause, they blather on and flap their gums and deny responsibility. It is murder of someting beautiful and hopeful that lives in your heart, something innocent and full of good intention. It is the absolute lowest form of treason. I can't and won't forget it. Ever.

 

What is more, I hate when cheaters say they never intended to hurt the spouse - of course they did. At some point, they thought about their spouse and they did it anyway. Tell me that didn't serve some selfish little desire to hurt their spouse in some way. For whatever petty little grievance they might conjure up in their minds. Affairs are always meant to hurt the other spouse, if only because they disrespect the spouse and degrade their marriage and break every promise they ever made to them.

 

I totally agree. I still can't believe it either. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the only thing I think about in between. I can't and won't forget either and I will never, ever, ever love H the way I did before. NEVER. I am trying to forgive and I know he's a human being and human beings make mistakes ... but his "mistake" will be hanging over our heads forever. No matter how many times he cries, says he's sorry and blah, blah, blah ... "it" and he still makes me wanna puke ...

 

We have four daughters, the oldest two have been married less than two years and the younger two are still single but have steady boyfriends. You know what I told H the other day? That I pray to dear God in heaven that no man ever does to them what their father did to their mother. You should have seen his face ... it was priceless.

 

I mean, how humiliated are you when you have to call and tell your four grown daughters that their mother left you because you cheated, lied, and lost your job over some stupid skank ho that you didn't give two sh*ts about?

 

Sorry, I know this is off topic, but I've had five cups of coffee and my blood is really pumping this morning. Arggghhhh.

 

Back to the dreams ... er, nightmares.

[outofdarkness]

A thread someone posted yesterday got me thinking about the many affair-related dreams I've had since D-Day.

 

This one (among others) has stayed with me for a long time.

 

About 2 years post finding out about my cheating husband, I had this dream that I walked up to our house and there was this skaggy looking woman smoking, sitting on the front stoop. I said "What are you doing here?" she just looked at me and looked away, took a drag on her cigarette, all disgusted like I was nothing to her. So I yelled at her, "What are you doing here? Get the hell out of here!!" She slowly stood up like she was tired and began walking away very slowly. As she did, she passed right by me and said quietly, "I'll be back" and sashayed away like she had not a care in the world. I just stared after her all hurt and angry.

 

I think this dream was not about the fear of another woman actually being with my H, it was about the feelings I had ... the hurt and the anger... When she said, I'll be back. That's what it was about.

 

It's interesting how years later the residual effects of the affair(s) linger on and permeate even your dreams when you sleep...

 

I am curious to hear some of your dreams, for no other reason except I'm curious. If you feel like you can share them.

Just always know when something is up w/ my H b/c I have a dream where there is H and OW...W/ me, it's not so much the CONTENT of the dream as it is the intensity of it..Most often, I end up crying out and wake up w/ actual tears in my eyes...Had these for weeks before D day, and now have them randomly..I assume that it's my body/mind trying to tell me what I already know but can't cope w/...Most of the time, I end up angry and very depressed for weeks after these dreams....

[mountain girl]

Frankly, I am amazed I don't have MORE nightmares about all this, given the fact that, like Melissa, it's the first though the last thought the every freaking thought. Just about.

[silktricks]

Frankly, I am amazed I don't have MORE nightmares about all this, given the fact that, like Melissa, it's the first though the last thought the every freaking thought. Just about.

 

For the first year and a half I absolutely obsessed. It was my every waking thought.

 

Then sometimes I wouldn't think about it, and I'd get scared that I wasn't thinking about it, that if I didn't THINK about it, it could happen again.

 

Then I started to realize that I was forcing myself to think about it. And decided that wasn't a bad idea. I'd FORCE myself to think about it until I was so sick of thinking about it that my brain would just rebel and go elsewhere. Kind of aversion therapy, I guess.

 

Gradually after that I started to take an interest in other things around me, started to enjoy thinking of nothing again, started to realize that I wasn't in an anxious dither all the time about "where is he, what is he doing, is he lying about something, etc. . ."

 

That my not be the process for everyone, but that's pretty much what happened with me.

[JustBreathe]

The problem with me though Silk is that I can't seem to do that. Aversion therapy. I have tried. I have alot of outside interests. But I feel beaten like I just can't rebound. It has beaten me. It stays with me. I think of it all the time. I have a therapist! I just think that for some people, it cuts very deep. I never had anyone I could trust before my H. His disloyalty was more than I could take, I guess. I know deep down I need to divorce him. But I can't do it somehow. Stuck in the middle. Perhaps I will work up the courage. But like I said, I never had anyone else.

 

As for premonitions... here's a dream I had about 2 months before d-day. I dreamed I had a toothache. Not too bad at first, but it got worse and worse, swelled up bigger and bigger. It became a huge abscess that was so painful it brought me to me knees and I was crawling on the floor in intense pain. The abscess continued to swell until it burst in my mouth. Tons of blood and pus dripped onto the floor... gross, I know.

 

I think that was a premonition. Like something repressed, perhaps the knowledge that he was unfaithful, was coming to a head.

[Melissa277]

He said he'd be right back out.

 

Again with this "I'll be back" thing. This is getting really, really creepy (do-do-do-do do-do-do-do)(the Twilight Zone theme).

[JustBreathe]

Wow, Melissa, you're right. It is strange, isn't it.

[Melissa277]

For the first year and a half I absolutely obsessed. It was my every waking thought.

 

Then sometimes I wouldn't think about it, and I'd get scared that I wasn't thinking about it, that if I didn't THINK about it, it could happen again.

 

Then I started to realize that I was forcing myself to think about it. And decided that wasn't a bad idea. I'd FORCE myself to think about it until I was so sick of thinking about it that my brain would just rebel and go elsewhere. Kind of aversion therapy, I guess.

 

Gradually after that I started to take an interest in other things around me, started to enjoy thinking of nothing again, started to realize that I wasn't in an anxious dither all the time about "where is he, what is he doing, is he lying about something, etc. . ."

 

That my not be the process for everyone, but that's pretty much what happened with me.

 

You always give such great advice and insight Silk. Sorry I can't remember, but how long has it been for you? I'm at the year and a half mark now and hoping beyond hope that I can someday soon be able to open my eyes in the morning, go about my day and close my eyes at night and not have H's A force its weasly little way into my thoughts. I try to force myself to not think about it but it's the weirdest, stupidest, won't get the f*ck out of my head thing I've ever experienced ... I wish math facts had stuck with me like this freakin' thing does, I might be able to do more than add and subtract. It's like its got these icky little fingers wrapped around my brain and subconciousness and every d*mn single time I finally get it out of my head for a moment, it takes those icky little fingers and squeezes and squeezes until "it" pops back in.

 

Like JB, I feel like "it" has beaten me and H's disloyalty was and is more than I can take. I trusted him with my life and he took that trust and ran with it. I pray that I will be able to forgive him ... soon. I keep thinking in my head "To err is human ... to forgive divine." So, okay, God, help me to forgive.

 

Again, back to the dreams ... Does any one else have a dream where someone said "I'll be back?" Besides Arnold Schwartzenager (spelling?)?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Again, back to the dreams ... Does any one else have a dream where someone said "I'll be back?" Besides Arnold Schwartzenager (spelling?)?

 

 

Just a fantasy in which I say, "hasta la vista, baby!" Does that count??