Azure Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Hi ya'll, This is my first post here, but it looks like a great site and I look forward to being involved. I'm sorry to start off with such a long post. I have an issue that is weighing on me really hard, and I just wanted to get some outside opinions on the issue and if I'm normal to be worried. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know it's a little long, but it may seem interesting. I have been in a relationship with an incredible girl for 4 years now. She is a lot younger than me, but is an amazing person and much more mature than other girls her age. I'm 26 and she is 21, but the age different hasn't affected us at all. Most people think she is my age, and she gets along better with people older than her. We have had a few rough spots within our relationship, which is normal, but as time moves on, I feel even more strongly for her. I know in my heart that I would marry her in a second if I felt like we were ready. We are extremely close and consider eachother as best friends, as well as lovers. Everything seems great, but there is a problem. We both have lived in our current location for while now. We both know we dont want to stay there or settle down, and she has been really feeling like she needs to move, or atleast get out of the city we are in. She has been torn between moving somewhere else for a while (possibly 500 miles away to D.C. where her family lives) to experience living somewhere else but she was torn because she knows I am stuck here with my job. My career is slowly building up and I can't quite leave right now even though I want to. She explained to me that I am "her world" and that she loves everything about me and that I'm not going to lose her, but she also mentioned that she doesn't want to resent me, or regret the decision to go experience something new. She is afraid that I may want to settle down too early and she wont have a chance to experience new things/places. I would never want her to resent me in any form. Below is where it gets tough for me... Recently an opportunity revealed itself in that her cousin (in D.C.) is moving to New York to go to school there for a semester and wanted a roomate. My girlfriend was visiting her for a wedding in D.C. and they talked about it. Her grandfather offered to pay their rent to live in a condo in Manhattan for 5 months, and she decided to make the decision to move there for a semester because she "couldn't pass up the oppurtunity". She didn't consult with me or ask me how I felt about it before making up her mind, she basically just decided it. When she first told me she was leaving, all I could think was, "We will be over", "This will never work", "I can't believe she would just ditch me", etc. etc. It hurt really bad. I had a mixture of sadness and anger. She said I had a right to be upset and was very understanding and compassionate about my feelings. She also said that I shouldn't worry at all, and that she wants to be with only me, and that if she didn't think we could get through this, then she wouldn't have decided on it. She said she thinks we are strong enough to do this, and that it's something that she feels like she needs to do. She also tells me that things will be normal, and that she will call me daily, come visit, and even fly me up there for a week to visit her. After a couple days of thinking about it and reflecting, I told her that I decided to support her in it, and we talked about it for a while and cried a little. But I also told her my biggest fears with the whole thing. She ensured me that she wants only me, and that she would be completely faithful, and that I nor us isn't ANY part of the reason she is leaving. My fear is this though: I know she is the one I want to marry, but I know we aren't ready. I trust her completely when it comes to our relationship, but I have a fear that she will just change as a person from moving there and decide I'm boring or something. New York, especially Manhattan is a humongus difference to where we live now. I just dont wan't her to decide that living there and being alone is something she would rather have. On the contrary, I would never want to hold her back, or have her resent me. Maybe I am just being silly and insecure, but our relationship is really serious so it's kind of a big deal to me. Any opinions?
catrocks Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 It's good that you have decided to support her in this. I think everyone should try living somewhere different for a while to experience different ways of life and people before settling down. It will be difficult being apart but if you're really meant to end up together it'll just make you stronger. You're worried she's going to change and think you're boring. Well, she might change from being there but she's not going to change that much in 5 months. And it's really truly not that long. She will have great adventures and enjoy sharing them with you. Could you go visit her a couple of times for long weekends or something so she can show you around and have you feel slightly more involved? I think your worrying is slightly premature though. See how it goes, make sure you tell her how you're feeling and keep communication with her open, and the time will fly by.
pcherokee Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 communication is the most important thing in long distance. If you both care for each other then you both will be fine.
brokensunglasses Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Similar experience, my ex-gf moved from way down here in SC back up to NY. I have also been tied down by a job. As you mentioned, communication is key. You have great things going for the two of you as well as some challenges: NYC is huge, she will go through a period of partying and adjustment that she needs to do on her own (listen to her rather than advise, but this will make you feel lonely and unwanted). After a while, the big city will lose it's appeal for her and she will call quite often missing you. Do not freak out when she meets new friends, even the guys, man-up and deal with it. If you're going to marry this girl, accept that situations like this can come up in any situation. Communication, again, is key, but do not over do it... say goodnight each evening, but try to avoid constant 3-hr. conversations. You may be asking why I'm giving advice in a situation like this if my girl and I aren't together: she moved and I helped her. I visited her, and she didn't recipcicate that. Her friends were way above me on the totem pole, so even when we were in town together (once a month), it wasn't alone time, it was party with the gf's friend's time. She felt text messageing was a perfectly reasonable way to communicate. I told her I wanted to move up there so that we could live together (her idea in fact), she responded with the proposition of living seperately to re-adjust. When I approached her about what I needed in a LDR, she didn't give it to me. If your girl listens and loves you, have no fear... she'll love you more when she sees how mature and trusting you can be. Good luck.
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