Having Troubles With Crazy Mother Of His Child!! !!

[Rufio]

As You May Know From Other Threads Of Mine I'm With A Man Called James, I'm Really Happy With Him, There's Just One Situation Thats Not Going Too Well.

 

James Has A 10 Month Old Boy Called Jay. He's Goooorgeous, But His Mum Is A Right Pain, She Split With James After 3 Months In A Relationship With Him, And Then Contacted Him 2 Weeks Later Telling Him She Was Pregnant. James Pays Maintanance For Him & Wants To See him As Much As He Can, But Now She Knows I'm On The Scene She Wont Let James Have Jay AT ALL. She's Sayinf She Wants James Back And Now He's With Me She's Asked For Him To Leave Them Alone. She Still Visits James' Mum,Every Week, Which Is Harsh Because Its Rubbing It In His Face.

Me And James Beleive Her & James' Mum Are Trying To Split Us Up. Which She's Done Before With An Ex Girlfriend Of His.

 

James Doesnt Want To Go Through Courts For A Few Reasons,

 

But I'm Asking For You To Share Your Stories With Me And Help Me Deal With The Situation. To Know She Wants Him Back Scares Me Even Though He Feels Nothing For Her, And Doesnt See Her. Also THe Thought Of Her MAking Him Choose Between Me & Jay Scares Me. Although At The Moment He's Obviously Sticking With Me..

I Really Do Love Him. We're Thinking Of Getting A Place Together, And Moving Forward In Life Together, Its Just Difficult With This Crazy Lady Standing In The Way!!

 

How Did You Guys Deal With The Mother Of Child situation?? I Knew It'd Be Hard, And I'm Strong Enough To Handle It..Just Need Advice!!

[littlekitty]

My H2B's son was about 9 months old when we met. We kept our relationship quiet for as long as we could, but she soon found out. To say she was unhappy was an understatement. I will never forget her chasing me down the road threatening to punch me!!

 

She also initially stated that I was not allowed to be with H2B when he had their son. He refused point blank to be dictated to about whom he could or could not have around his son when he had him. He stated that he was a responsible adult who could make that choice for himself. Fortunately she was selfish enough that I don't think that lasted even one week. We knew she'd want her weekend night out, and she quickly relented. But believe me, it wasn't for the interests of her child that she did.

 

She also decided she wanted H2B back when she found out about me. I got abusive emails, she waited outside his when she knew I'd be going there etc. She one time got herself all dressed up for when he went for the pick up and begged him to go back to her. Cried, pleaded, everything. H2B of course said no. But it did effect him a little. Not because he was unsure of his decision, but because part of him wished for his sons sake that things were different. But she'd already done too much damage. Her actions when they split up had pushed him further away, and he knew they would never, ever work out as a couple. She also told him I'd cheated on him and vice versa. That took us being strong enough and trusting of each other enough to get through. But it barely touched us, and we had faith in what we had.

 

It's over two years later now. Things are much, much better. We are not, and never will be 'friends'. However I have looked after their son a couple of times by myself - when she really needed it. I also dropped him off to her once (very scared!! ) but it was fine, she told him to wave goodbye to me! She sent 'Daddy & LK' a piece of b'day cake each recently, and tells him to say goodnight to Daddy & LK on the phone these days.

 

We also couldn't afford to go through court (although things are different here in the UK) and it wouldn't have achieved anything. Document, document, document firstly. Document why she is withholding custody, this is important. Find out where you stand on these issues, this is also important.

 

Be strong in your relationship. Always keep your communication open between you, as these things will hurt you, test you. But the stronger you are, the better chance you have.

 

A good resource for you might be stepfamily.net. (Google it.) It's a free site for Stepfamilies. Mainly step mothers on there, but it's can be useful. By the same token, don't allow the issues some people on there face get you down.

 

For me the trouble we faced initially has been worth it. I now have a gorgeous 3 year old step son who loves me dearly. And I have a fabulous fiance who in 3 short months will become my Husband. Every minute of pain was worth what I've gained.

 

Any other questions, or specifics, just let me know!

[Rufio]

Thankyou So Much LK, Honestly Your Story Has Given Me So Much Insentive, As I Can Relate To What You've Been Through, I Have Not Yet Met Her, But I Think The Sooner I Do, The sooner Me And James Can Move On. She's A toughie Though.. She's Mexican & A Virgo, I'm A Scorpio, And To Say The Least You Should Never Put The Two Together.

 

The Other Thing Is She Was 10 Years Older Than Him & I'm 10 Years Younger, I Think She Might Be Feeling A Bit Past Her Time If You Get Me?

 

I Do Feel A Bit Bad, Cause I've Got Her Man.. But I Love Him So Much... I'd Marry Him Tomorrow If He Asked. Our Relationship Has Been Stressful From The Start But Although Its Hard I've Been Strong And Helped Him Through It, He's Suffering Now As She's Not Letting Him See Jay..And He's Got The Constant Reminder When He Goes Home And Sees The high Chari And Bottles From When She's Been Round To See his Mum.. Its Really Unfair On him. He's A Brilliant Dad. You Can Just See It When He Used To Pick Jay Up In His Strong Arms, Jay Used To Fall Asleep No Problem Because He Felt Protected.

 

He's Definatly Worth The Trouble, I Just Suppose I Have To Get Used To Her Being Around. But The sooner I Meet Her The Sooner She Can Move On.

 

I Dont Beleive She Wants HIM As Such, She Just Doesnt Want Anyone Else To Have Him...

[littlekitty]

You're welcome!

 

I think I'd personally wait to push for a meeting between the two of you. Perhaps let them sort this out between themselves first and then let things move on from there. I don't believe you wading in there at this point will help. Can his Mum to speak to her about letting him see his son? It really is unfair to withhold him. It's not fair either on the child or his father.

 

Has he tried talking to her about why she feels she doesn't want you around him? (We both know why - but he could try to reassure her - such as she doesn't want to play Mum etc. H2B's ex made me promise I wouldn't get Step Son to call me Mum!!! I had no intention of ever doing that!)

 

I often felt bad for H2B's ex. I knew she was sad and hurting at times. And I knew at times it was hard on H2B, that he worried about his son. But in the end he knew it was best that his son had a happy father not one close to a breakdown because he was in such a bad relationship.

 

Very much get used to her being in your life. She's not going anywhere, and will be a big part of your life for the next 18 years at least - if you stay in this relationship.

 

Unfortunately you can't hurry someone into moving on. It's been a slow and painful progression to where we are now. A trust building and time thing. She has now moved on, but even a year ago things were still very strained and hard at times.

 

I don't believe H2B's ex wanted him back half the time. She lied to herself and everyone else about how it had ended. She just didn't want anyone else in his life. And it was unbearable to think of me playing 'Mum' to her son. Although that's something I don't do. I am 'LK', Daddy's fiance, partner etc. I am not Mummy.

 

Breaking up is hard to do. It's even harder when a child is involved. Feelings run deeper, and ties are stronger. I do now understand some of how hard it must have been for her. But I used to think 'God, why can't she just get over it...'?!!! What's taking all this time!!

[Rufio]

I used to think 'God, why can't she just get over it...'?!!! What's taking all this time!!

 

 

I Think That Sometimes, But Deep Down I Do Feel For Her.. Like You I'd Never Try And Become A Mum To Him, Just 'Daddy's Partner' The Thing Is With Her Is That Its One Rule For her & Another For James, She Wont Hesitate In Taking Him To Meet Friends Or Potential Partners, Whereas James Isn't allowed Any Freedom, Not Even Supervised Visits Anymore..

 

His Mum Has Mentioned It, But I Find Her To Be Quite Selfish In The Way That As Long As She's Seeing Them It Doesnt Matter..

 

At The Moment She's Requested James Stay Away From Her & Jay, but I Think Soon Enough When She Wants To Go Out & Cant Find A Babysitter, Or When She Finds Her Own Partner & Wants a Night In Together She'll Call On James To Look After Him.

 

At The Moment She's Just Being Immature & Slightly Pathetic In The Sense She Shuts Off & Wont Talk. I Know Its A Defense Mechanism, But When A Little One's Involved Things Should Be Kept Civilised And Mature. She's Thinking Whats Going To Hurt James, Not Whats Best For Jay At The Moment.

 

Also The Thing That Bugs Me (And James) Is She's Using Her Old Husbands (Unfortunatly He Died) Name As Jay's Surname, And Not Using James' Surname, Therefoer His Name Doesnt Represent Who His Father Is At All..

 

There's Just No Reasoning With Her.

 

Just gotta Wait For Her To come Round I Suppose.

 

As For Me, I'm Looking Forward To Being A Step-Parent, And Watching Jay Grow Up & Giving James The Chance To Be A Daddy.

 

did You Have any Problems Getting You H2B's Little One To Like You?

[littlekitty]

Oh I can relate to you soooooo much!! H2B's ex always had her rules, and then our rules!! She can change dates last minute, but we'd better not even try! She can be late home and leave H2B sitting outside with SS (stepson) waiting for her, but if he so much as dares get stuck in traffic and be late....!! You can see where this is going!!

 

Unfortunately it seems his Mother isn't going to be a great help then.

 

I think you're right, the time will come when she'll need a break/get stuck and it will soon all fall back into place. She will come round, it's in her best interests. Perhaps the only thing you could do is use legal reasoning with her to let her know that a judge will look badly on her withholding custody visits with no real reason.

 

If only things could be kept mature and civilised!! How many times did I wish she could just act like an adult for once? Be reasonable for crying out loud?! Think about her son and not herself and her own feelings? It will come, but again, it takes time. Right now she is being immature. She's thinking about herself and her own pain and hurting James, before her sons needs. It's sad, but it does happen.

 

That's not very nice about the name at all. Fortunately H2B and his ex were still together when they registered the birth, so SS had H2B's surname. Perhaps a little down the road they can discuss this. Does she have other children at all? It's not about trying to keep consistancy for them? Although H2B's ex has another (older) child who also has her fathers names. So his ex and the two children all have different last names!

 

Give it time. I know how many people said that to me. And it was exasperating at the time. But they were right. Time is a healer and it will get better.

 

As for SS liking me?! All I've ever done is (try to) give him my unconditional love, my hugs and kisses, play with him, laugh with him. I've always been there since he can remember, so it's never been an issue. Perhaps it will be in times ahead but who knows? There have been times when he's rejected me. Pushed me away - 'I want Daddy!!'. But he's a small child, just being moody. He doesn't know how much it hurt me, so I never took it to heart. I'm sure you won't have any problems there!

[Rufio]

I Cant Wait To Be A Bigger Part Of James' Life, As In Live With Him, Or Start Building Our Own House, But His Mum Does Get In The Way A Lot Too, She Doesn't Allow Me To Stay At Thier House, And Asks Him To Do Things Around The House & The Farm When I'm There So We Dont Get Quality Time. We Went Away To A Nice Hotel For a Weekend And Stayed In A Lodge, And The Difference Between Having The Space And Living With The Parents Was Amazing. We Could Walk Around Half Naked & Cook What We Want When We Wanted, And Watch Whatever On The Huge Sofas..

 

His Dad Died A Few Years Ago, And He's Been Attatatched To His Mum Ever Since, An I Feel Like I'm Taking Him Away From Her & She's Holding Onto Him For Dear Life...

 

But He's Not A Little Boy! I Just Want To Show Him How Good Life Can Be When You Do Things Independently! I Suppose He's Just Never Had A Reason To Move Out.

 

I Hope I'm That Reason!

 

Are You Enjoying Living Together In Your Own Place?

[Rufio]

James Is The Same Age As You By The Way..

[Rufio]

Update::::

 

She Textd James Yesterday, And Asked If He Could Call Her, So He Did And She Said She Needed Money For Baby Clothes, And Would Talk If He Still Wanted To. So They're Meeting Up Today... Not sure If Jay'll Be There Or Not..

 

I'm Slightly Worried About Whats Going To Happen... He Sometimes Feels Reluctant To Tell Me Things Because He Thinks It Will Upset Me..

 

But I Think Them Meeting Up Is a good Move?

 

Although I'm Gonna Be Sitting There Twiddling My Thumbs Wondering What The Hell's Going On.. Lol.

[Krytellan]

Update::::

 

She Textd James Yesterday, And Asked If He Could Call Her, So He Did And She Said She Needed Money For Baby Clothes, And Would Talk If He Still Wanted To. So They're Meeting Up Today... Not sure If Jay'll Be There Or Not..

 

I'm Slightly Worried About Whats Going To Happen... He Sometimes Feels Reluctant To Tell Me Things Because He Thinks It Will Upset Me..

 

But I Think Them Meeting Up Is a good Move?

 

Although I'm Gonna Be Sitting There Twiddling My Thumbs Wondering What The Hell's Going On.. Lol.

 

Seriously, isn't it painful to capitalize every word? Doesn't that give you CTS or something?

[Rufio]

I Cant Not Do It Its Like A Habit, Its Much More Difficult For Me To Not Do It.. I Try, But End Up Going Back And Changing It. Think Its A Bit Of An OCD.. Lol. x

[littlekitty]

I Cant Wait To Be A Bigger Part Of James' Life, As In Live With Him, Or Start Building Our Own House, But His Mum Does Get In The Way A Lot Too, She Doesn't Allow Me To Stay At Thier House, And Asks Him To Do Things Around The House & The Farm When I'm There So We Dont Get Quality Time. We Went Away To A Nice Hotel For a Weekend And Stayed In A Lodge, And The Difference Between Having The Space And Living With The Parents Was Amazing. We Could Walk Around Half Naked & Cook What We Want When We Wanted, And Watch Whatever On The Huge Sofas..

 

His Dad Died A Few Years Ago, And He's Been Attatatched To His Mum Ever Since, An I Feel Like I'm Taking Him Away From Her & She's Holding Onto Him For Dear Life...

 

But He's Not A Little Boy! I Just Want To Show Him How Good Life Can Be When You Do Things Independently! I Suppose He's Just Never Had A Reason To Move Out.

 

I Hope I'm That Reason!

 

Are You Enjoying Living Together In Your Own Place?

 

He probably feels responsible for his Mum right now. But that's a good thing as it shows how much he cares for her.

 

I'm sure as things progress, and he feels he wants to be with you full time that he'll make the necessary moves!!

 

It was like that for us. I would have had H2B living with me long before he did, but he wanted to wait until we'd been together a bit longer! By the time he did move in, he said his place no longer felt like home because I wasn't there, and that he wanted to wake up with me every single day and go to sleep with me every single night!!

 

We love living together! For me it was a huge adjustment as I'd lived alone for over 8 years when he moved in! But we soon both adjusted and are now really settled. We still look forward to coming home to each other at the end of a long day!

 

James Is The Same Age As You By The Way..

 

It's a good age!!

 

Update::::

 

She Textd James Yesterday, And Asked If He Could Call Her, So He Did And She Said She Needed Money For Baby Clothes, And Would Talk If He Still Wanted To. So They're Meeting Up Today... Not sure If Jay'll Be There Or Not..

 

I'm Slightly Worried About Whats Going To Happen... He Sometimes Feels Reluctant To Tell Me Things Because He Thinks It Will Upset Me..

 

But I Think Them Meeting Up Is a good Move?

 

Although I'm Gonna Be Sitting There Twiddling My Thumbs Wondering What The Hell's Going On.. Lol.

 

H2B sometimes used to forget to tell me things, or wouldn't say for fear of upsetting me. I sat him down and explained to him that finding out these things after the fact was far more hurtful. That I felt lied to, or that he'd kept these things from me, and that it worried and hurt me. I explained that the more open he was about what was going on, the less I felt I had to worry about.

 

He was then able to be more open and things became easier. But there'll always be times which are difficult! I no longer worry about the pick-ups/returns etc, or them seeing each other generally. Although when he told me the other day that he'd be going to SS's first day of school (pre-school) with her I did get a tug on the heart. But I swollowed it down, as it's about being there for their little boy, nothing else!!

 

Try not worry. It's a good move that they are meeting to talk.

[Rufio]

I Cant Beleive How Much Talking To You Is Helping Me Deal With This!

 

He's Just Left To Meet Her, And I Burst Into Tears Then Got The Notification That I'd Got A Post. Your Advice Is Really Making This Easier, As I'm Going Through Exactly The Same Thing Like Its So Similar That Its Scary..

 

Ive Explained To James That I Would Much Prefer Him To Tell Me Straight Off If Something's Happening Rather Than Me Find Out Two Days Later, Cause That Hurts.

 

I Think You're Right About Him Feeling Responsible For His Mum, She's In The Process Of Retireing So Hopefully That'll Take The Strain Off Both Of Them.

 

I'm Just Waiting For The Results Of Thier MEeting, Whether There'll Be A Gigantic Argument Or She'll Be Reasonable For Once (Doubt It!) I DOnt Know, But I'll Sure Feel better Once I Know Whats Been Said, Etc.

[littlekitty]

Glad to be of help!! I know I found things difficult to cope with at times, and wish I'd had someone who'd been through the same thing to talk to!!

 

I don't think they purposely mean to hurt us by keeping things back. And it doesn't bother me so much now when he's forgot to tell me something. (Which still happens!! ) But back then I was a bit insecure about the whole thing. It's hard when their ex is still a big part of their current life. The whole thing with him being honest and open about what was going on helped build my trust and faith in what we had. Now I'm completely secure in what we have together. It just helps to feel a part of what's going on between them, rather than it be behind closed doors, if you see what I mean!!

 

Hopefully that will relieve some strain then we she retires! And it might make him feel a lot less responsible.

 

Sit tight, and try not to worry. He'll fill you in on what happened when it's all over and done with. And never say never! H2B's ex surprised me at times, both with the bad and the good! Even amongst all the crap, they sometimes manage to pull some sanity out of the bag!

[Rufio]

Breakthrough!

 

She's Letting Him Have Jay For A Few Hours ON HIS OWN(!!!) On Fridays. That Doesnt Mean That I'll Be Able To Be Part Of That Yet, But Soon I Might Be Able To! I'm Starting To Feel That After A Very Angry & Rough Weekend Things Are Starting To Look Up.

 

There's A Bit Of An Atmosphere Between Me & James, But Hopefully That'll Get Better... Takes Time Right?

[Star Gazer]

Can You Please Stop Typing Like This By Capitalizing Every Word? It Is Not Proper In Any Language And Makes It Very Difficult To Even Tolerate Reading Your Post.

 

Seriously, if you want more help and advice, you need to at least try to structure your message so as to be easily readable by other LS members.

[Rufio]

I'll try my best.

[Fanny]

When after eight years my ex finally got a girlfriend I actually wept for joy.

 

The frivolous lawsuits stopped, the boys started getting actual meals and baths at his house. He stopped leaving them alone in the house.

 

I'm only afraid she will leave!

[Rufio]

Haha, i wish things were so simple! But hopefully things are looking up now!