she flirts and I worry

[Percy]

My wife of almost 25 years is an attractive girl, keeps fit and likes to dress well and look good. She also likes very much being admired, and she flirts. I think the flirting has got more pronounced lately and it is starting to worry me. We have a second home in Spain and occasionally she will spend some time there without me; I know that one particular Spanish guy (who I know as well) gave her a lift home after a party, and I know that he suggested he should come in - she says she said no. But at another party without me (lunch time, this time), she left with him again to "go and see his horse", and when the three of us were together recently I caught a dazzling glance she threw in his direction. She insists that this is all innocent flirting, that she would never be unfaithful to me, and I desparately want to believe her, but I just don't think she has told me everything about their relationship. She says that she likes the attention, but would never take it any further. I should say, this guy is single, early thirties (we are both late forties) and I would say classically Spanish good-looking, dark hair, swarthy, muscled. Is it possible for a girl to have an innocent friendship with someone who has made a pass at her, who clearly finds her attractive and who she flirts overtly with? I feel certain that if I developed a relationship of similar depth with an atttractive younger woman, my wife would be furious. I don't want to go to the extent of always travelling to Spain with her, and I do trust her, but am I being naive?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Just look what you have written. She goes to a party as a married woman and drives homes with this single great looking guy who then asks to come into the house after some drinking late at night. She goes off with him later to see his horse. She gives major glances to him when she thinks you are not looking. Open your eyes.

 

If the roles were reversed how do you think your wife would be acting if you told her you drove a beautiful woman home after a late night drinking party and she wanted her to come in? You told her you went with this beautiful woman at another time to see her horses. At another time when you were wife was not looking you gave meaningful flirting glances at her? You then tell your wife that you love the attention but you have no intention of having sex with her? Do you honestly think your wife would accept such disrespect from you?

 

Your wife is acting as if she is single. This guy wanted to go into the house with her late at night. Do you think he went there to play chess? I think you have real problems. She is seeing this guy who makes it clear that he would want to be with her. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. Her flirting is highly disrespectful to you and your marriage. This great looking guy wants to sleep with your wife and she is thrilled by this attention. What is wrong with this picture? I think you have some real major problems. It sounds like she has no boundaries. Is she married or single? Again if the roles were reversed she would not put up with this so why are you? I wish you luck.

[Percy]

Thanks, Bryan. She gave me a good reason why he gave her a lift home (the party was out of town, she had drunk too much to drive and she was let down last minute by someone who had promised her a place for the night). But she didn't tell me she planned to go to the second party (I heard about it by chance) and it was only because she came home with a bruise (caused by a bite from said horse) that she told me that she had left that party with him. She says my worries are driven by fantasy.

[Bryanp]

Hi Percy,

 

Your wife is trying to deflect her deceit on you. How interesting that she did not tell you about the second party and a bruise from a horse. If it was clearly innocent then why go to second party with this same guy and not tell you about it? Again if you did this with another woman and did not tell her about the second party, do you think she would think it was all very innocent? What your wife is doing is what they call gaslighting. It is to deflect their actions by making you think you are crazy. She tells you it is just your fantasy which is a perfect example. She went to a second party with this guy (it is called a date) and then goes to see his horses and how nice that she deliberately keeps it a secret from you. A person who has nothing to hide - hides nothing. The fact she keep this from you about this second party dates with this guy is a huge red flag.

 

I would seriously think about hiring a private investigator the next time she goes to Spain and follow her and sees if she meets up with this guy again. A married woman does not go on a second date with a single guy to a party while she is married and leaves with him to see his horses. I am sorry but it sounds like she is playing you. If she continues to see him then the chances are pretty good she is probably sleeping with him. Again a married woman does not go to parties with single good looking men and then fails to tell their husbands about it. I would be very very suspicious. If she makes it a point to withhold information from you about this then what else is she withholding information about from you? She loves to flirt and loves the attention and sees no problem going to parties with a single great looking guy and not telling you about it. What more needs to be said? I wish you luck because it sounds like you will need it.

[Percy]

I don't think it's as obvious as you make it seem. The second party wasn't a date - she was invited by the host, but she would certainly have known he would be there. I think she didn't tell me about it because she knew I'd be unhappy about her going on her own (some people at the first party were doing drugs and I wasn't happy about that). I can't deny that she hasn't been entirely open about some of this. I'd really like some female perspective on this - can you continue to flirt "innocently" with a good-looking guy who has become a good friend and who has made a pass at you before?

[Bryanp]

Hi Percy,

 

Again where her story breaks down is after the first party. Here she is drunk and taking back late at night to her place and this guy wants to come in and clearly we know what he wants. Assuming what she told you was true and she said NO then you would think she would have told herself never to put herself in such a situation again because she is a married woman. What does she do but go on to another party date with this guy who clearly wants to have her and then go to his place to see his horses. She makes it a point not to tell you about it. What does that tell you? She craves attention and loves to flirt and she tells you it all your fantasy?....Oh please!

[reservoirdog1]

In my experience, attention whores (of both sexes) are prime candidates for cheating. I'd watch her like a hawk. Check her phone and her email -- you need more evidence of what's going on.

[bish]

My wife of almost 25 years is an attractive girl, keeps fit and likes to dress well and look good. She also likes very much being admired, and she flirts. I think the flirting has got more pronounced lately and it is starting to worry me.

 

With someone that likes to be admired and that flirts heavily, you should worry. People like that WILL cheat if the perfect opportunity presents itself. Its one thing to be admired, its another to interact in a certain way with those that admire you and want you.

 

We have a second home in Spain and occasionally she will spend some time there without me; I know that one particular Spanish guy (who I know as well) gave her a lift home after a party, and I know that he suggested he should come in - she says she said no. But at another party without me (lunch time, this time), she left with him again to "go and see his horse", and when the three of us were together recently I caught a dazzling glance she threw in his direction. She insists that this is all innocent flirting, that she would never be unfaithful to me, and I desparately want to believe her, but I just don't think she has told me everything about their relationship.

 

She's a septic tank. Translation, she is full of shi!t.

 

She is spending way too much time with other men when with you not present.

 

 

She says that she likes the attention, but would never take it any further. I should say, this guy is single, early thirties (we are both late forties) and I would say classically Spanish good-looking, dark hair, swarthy, muscled. Is it possible for a girl to have an innocent friendship with someone who has made a pass at her, who clearly finds her attractive and who she flirts overtly with?

 

I would say it is very possible for someone to be faithful and not take things further with an attractive person that flirts with them.

 

But YOUR wife loves it, flirts back, and actively seeks male attention.

I'd say if given the opportunity, she will cheat. And her going to a 2nd home without you, going off and partying, going off with other men without you, I'd say she already has cheated on you.

 

Your wife sounds like one huge huss. I wouldn't put up with it if I were you. You need to have a serious talk with her and let her know her behavior is not appropriate of someone in a married/committed relationship. Tell her how you feel about it. If she doesn't care or poo poos you, then you will know she is nothing but a huss that doesn't care two licks about you or your feelings.

 

I feel certain that if I developed a relationship of similar depth with an atttractive younger woman, my wife would be furious. I don't want to go to the extent of always travelling to Spain with her, and I do trust her, but am I being naive?

 

 

You are being naive. WHY is she going to Spain by herself? She is going there, partying. Being in the company of other men WITHOUT YOU.

 

I'd bet all the money in my bank she has cheated already. You need to deal with this. My wife would be furious if I suggested a trip somewhere without her if I was going alone. Hell, she'd be furious if I suggested a bunch of guys and me go to Vegas or something. And she'd be justified in demanding I don't do it.

 

I feel for you man. And no offense, but you are married to a woman I wouldn't wish on anyone.

[bish]

Thanks, Bryan. She gave me a good reason why he gave her a lift home (the party was out of town, she had drunk too much to drive and she was let down last minute by someone who had promised her a place for the night). But she didn't tell me she planned to go to the second party (I heard about it by chance) and it was only because she came home with a bruise (caused by a bite from said horse) that she told me that she had left that party with him. She says my worries are driven by fantasy.

 

She is so full of shi!t you can smell her a mile away.

 

"She says my worries are driven by fantasy"....that there says it all to me.

If my wife were worried about me, I'd be sitting her down and telling her something like, "honey, I love you and only you. There is no way in the world I'd ever stray"

 

She isn't doing anything like that. With that comment, she is basically telling you that you are an idiot.

 

She is playing you big time.

[bish]

I think she didn't tell me about it because she knew I'd be unhappy about her going on her own

 

So she knows you wouldn't be happy about it, but does it anyway? Man, what major disrespect and lack of caring on her part towards you.

 

She doesn't give a crap about how you feel.

 

and question, as a married couple, you should be taking your vacations together. Why in hell is she going to Spain by herself without you?

 

Only one answer, so she can be free to be with other guys. Pure and simple. Next time she says she is going to Spain and has no plans of you going, just tell her, "I will be going with you this time"....see what her reaction is. I bet it is on the lines of getting defensive or upset. Or questioning why you have to go.

 

If she doesn't care and nothing is really going on, then her reactions should be something like, "great, we'll have a good time!".

 

But I bet that won't be her reaction. You will be imposing on her alone time with other men.

[Percy]

Actually, Bish, she wouldn't object if I went as well, I'm sure. It's just that she doesn't see any harm in associating with other men and she enjoys being flirtatious. I don't think I am necessarily being naive in thinking that it can just stop there; but I am still convinced that I don't have the whole story. It'd be good to get some feminine insight, as well

[Missy27]

Hi P ~ !!

 

OK.... Well being female I'll give you my 2 pennies worth.

 

Firstly....I've got to say being a horse owner myself that if a horse bites you then you are usually left with more than a bruise to remind you of the experience. That in itself would make me istantly suspicious.

 

It's OK to enjoy attention from men, especially if you are an older woman receiving compliments from a younger man. This is natural. But in my humble opinion, if you are married, its NOT ok to put yourself in a situation in which you wouldn't want your spouse to be in. I always say if you're doing something that you wouldn't outwardly admit to your spouse or that you wouldn't agree with them doing then you are doing something wrong. Your wife didn't come straight out and tell you about the 2nd party ~ Why? and why didn't she tell you immediately how she got her bruise? Something doesn't stack up there.

 

I receive alot of attention from men when I go out. Unwanted attention at that. I DO enjoy getting compliments .... it makes me feel good, but being in a 2 year relationship, I would NEVER give anyone an opening to even think that I am interested in them, just out of plain old respect for my BF. I make sure that my body language clearly defines who I am and I dont give out the I'm up for it signals. Its easy to deter someone .... If you want to. This is something you might want to discuss with your wife Its not out of the ordinary for you to expect some sort of loyalty in that respect Percy, you've been married for 25 years for gods sake ~ !

 

I think you need to sit your wife down and explain how you feel. Gently remind her about how she would feel if the tables were turned. If that works then great but if she carries on then I would start putting your foot down... Or play her at her own game ~ Sometimes it takes a bit of hands on pursuasion to make people wake up and smell the coffee.

[Percy]

Thanks for the input. It was a young horse and she was wearing jeans, I think; I can't imagine that she would have made up the bite story as it was that disclosure which led to me knowing about her trip into the countryside to see the horses. We have talked about it, quite a lot, and she knows that I am unhappy about her leaving the second party with the Spanish guy - that he gave her a lift home the first time around, I am prepared to accept was just a practical solution to the transport problem she had. Your body language point is interesting; is she giving out "come on" signals - yes, I think she is, but she thinks she can call a halt. And she insists that nothing beyond the flirting has happened. Thanks for the input, rather less misogynistic than some of the others.

[misterquick]

HI Percy, sounds like u r hving a tuff time after you have been together 25 years. Seems to me likke some kiind of midlife crisis, Mrs P seems to crave attention, maybe needs reassurence that she is still pretty enough to pull the guys. Has she slept with the hombre with cojones grandes - my guess wd be yes; or at least a BJ to thnk him for the lift. Will you ever know for certian unless she chooses to tell you - no way. Can you stop her doing it again, sure - make sure she isn't left alone out thre again. But don't let your insecurities screw up yr life, my advice is put it behind you, forget about it

[Cobra_X30]

Percy,

 

You are SOOOO in denial. If my woman did this I would be having serious issues with her. If she is flirting with other guys, that is a HUGE slap in the face. Chica has Zero respect for you. I would recommend that you grow a pair and lock her up for a year or so.

[bish]

Actually, Bish, she wouldn't object if I went as well, I'm sure. It's just that she doesn't see any harm in associating with other men and she enjoys being flirtatious.

 

Associating with men in general is one thing. Partying with them, going off with them alone, flirting with them, getting drunk with them....completely another story.

 

I associate with other women all the time, but I don't hang out with them, much less go partying with them.

 

And I think she would mind you going along. That would ruin her fun.

 

I don't think I am necessarily being naive in thinking that it can just stop there; but I am still convinced that I don't have the whole story.

 

Those two statements conflict. Like I said, it can stop there, but with all the dynamics of your wife's behavior....going out of the country without you...partying with men, getting drunk, going off with them alone, her going to a party and not telling you about it because she knows you won't like it.....sorry, she is messing around. And in the off chance she isn't, she sure as hell isn't respectful of your feelings.

 

It'd be good to get some feminine insight, as well

 

I think the feminine insight you will get is them defending her behavior and telling you that you are overreacting and that there is no hurt in a little flirt.

 

Believe me, I haven't had one girl that flirted that could be trusted. And I don't stay with flirts long after I find them out to be.

[bish]

Has she slept with the hombre with cojones grandes - my guess wd be yes; or at least a BJ to thnk him for the lift. Will you ever know for certian unless she chooses to tell you - no way. Can you stop her doing it again, sure - make sure she isn't left alone out thre again. But don't let your insecurities screw up yr life, my advice is put it behind you, forget about it

 

There is only one way he is going to be able to do that....kick her to the curb and divorce the wench.

[misterquick]

There is only one way he is going to be able to do that....kick her to the curb and divorce the wench.

bish, seems to me that anyone married who admits to flirting is all ready testing the boundries. But to throw away 25 yrs on suspicion wd be dumb. Look forwrad, not back and make it work

[RubyDeluxe]

Coming from a Woman's point of view I think something is going on here

 

sorry

[bish]

bish, seems to me that anyone married who admits to flirting is all ready testing the boundries. But to throw away 25 yrs on suspicion wd be dumb. Look forwrad, not back and make it work

 

To throw it away on suspicion alone, yes, it would be dumb.

 

But look at her behavior as described by him. Who is married that goes out of the country on vacation BY THEMSELVES, parties with the opposite sex, getting drunk, going off alone with the opposite sex....flirting and giving "i want to f#ck you" eyes to the other person?

 

I think this is beyond suspicion. He needs to crack the whip and if she doesn't like it, he should kick her out. Then she can go be with her Spanish lovers all she wants and he can find a decent woman.

[Percy]

Coming from a Woman's point of view I think something is going on here

 

sorry

Ouch, that hurts. Any ladies prepared to take a more sympathetic view? Thanks for taking the time to consider the question

[Trialbyfire]

Why not just tell her to stop flirting, consciously shutting down and avoiding the Spaniard? I don't think this is an unreasonable request if she's exceeded your boundaries. If she refuses, she's now put her unreasonable needs before your reasonable expectations. How hard is it to give up someone you supposedly don't care about?

 

Whether she's actually cheated or not remains to be seen. I would also put a PI on her to confirm it or not.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

One other comment I find disturbing is the fact that after you told her of your concerns and how it looks very bad; her response to you was that it was not true and it was your fantasy. Think about that response. Why would a wife say such a thing to you? Don't you think she would instead talk to you and try to calm your fears and show empathy toward you? Instead she says it was your fantasy. So she is saying that you in fact have a desire to see her having sex with this other man. Why in the world would she say such a thing unless it was indeed her fantasy to do just that. Could you imagine you telling your wife it must be a fantasy of hers to see you screw another woman because she is jealous of you spending time with another beautiful woman? I think her response says a great deal.

[squeak]

I'm a female, and I am shocked at how many people put up with flirting partners. I know you want to dismiss this, i know it hurts so bad Percy, it is almost better to think it means nothing, right?

 

No one here can say if she cheated or what will happen, but the omission of the 2nd party right there is a big red flag.

 

She needs to show you right now that she will shut it down with this guy, not go to the parties where he is there, or make sure you go with her, and see if she can not respond to him anymore.

 

25 years is a long time, it is easy for us all to say "lose her" , but.... her disrespect for your role as her husband makes me angry. I think if you don't put your foot down NOW this will get much much worse.

 

You asked "is it possible to flirt and think you can put a halt to it? " my answer is that women know exactly what they are doing, and they convince you men that it is innocent and they get away with it by making you think they are little fluffy innocent things who don't mean anything by it because baby we just wub only you (cue googly eyes while explaining to husband while intentionally trying to drive another man to the brink by touching and showing up wherever he is)

 

WRONG!! Any new "friendship" of the opposite sex should be looked at with much skepticism.

 

The fact is you have seen more than enough to warrant questioning of your wife's intentions, why does she keep hanging around this man who wants to bed her? This isn't the first time you have noticed this, right?

She is probably taking the extra step because this man is giving her the green light too.

 

The question you have to ask yourself now is---even if she stops this dead in its tracks...can you go forward with her and forgive and not wonder what really happened? Don't underestimate that lurking demon, my friend.

 

Good luck, let us know what happens.

[bish]

Ouch, that hurts. Any ladies prepared to take a more sympathetic view?

 

Well Percy, is that what you are looking for? A woman to tell you you are being paranoid and that everything is ok?