tommycapnpants Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 This is torturous. . .thanks for lending an ear!!! My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has told me that she needs space right now. Let me give you a brief history. We are both 26 years old. We met in New Orleans when she had just gotten back from working in London. At the time we met I was partying a lot. So, our first few months together all we did was party. Well, after taking a trip to Thailand together I got back into school. While she had already graduated. Anyway, I started getting really serious about school. Fast forward a year later and Hurricane Katrina blows us and everyone out of the city. We end up moving to Honolulu. She really gets going in her career, however she does not really like it. While the last two semesters I had really been consumed by my school work as it was an intensive Chinese language program. We both practice yoga. . .she much longer than I. So at this point we are together for 3.3 years, 3.2 of which we have lived together. Through out those years she has hinted that she was a little Bi in feelings, as she had never acted upon it. I always told her I was cool with it. Well, anyway in May she leaves for a yoga teacher training program in New York and two weeks later I head for Beijing for the summer. . .returning in August. Before we left I had repeatedly said that I may stay until December. After a couple weeks in China I fully realized that I did not want to be away from her that long. I actually kinda decided against stying until December before I left for China. Well, thinking that our relationship and love was strong enough to see us through if I did actually stay that long, I would occasionally bring it up. I cant help but think that made her start to question why I would be ok with being apart that long. So, she gets to Hawaii a few weeks ago. We talk through webcam and constant emails. Then she asks me if it would be alright to explore some with this girl she met at a mutual friends house. At first I am pretty bummed about, even though I always said it would be cool . . .when the time came I showed my disappointment. I guess I overreacted a bit and said that "if you feel like sharing yourself with another girl then I cant see us together." I was really hurt by this, then I realized that it was my own fault for saying in the past that I was cool with it. I calm down after a few days, then I say that I am open for her to explore. Which, I had become pretty open to the idea. Anyway, nothing happened between her and that girl. But, a few days ago she says she is not sure she can be committed to a relationship that is heading for marriage. At this point I pretty much break down. She says she can't keep my in the gray area as she loves me too much. . .meaning she does not know if we should stay together. She says she has commitment issues that scare her. Well, darn they scare me too. Even though she loves me so much she is not sure we can continue. She feels that much of our relationship we have been best friends. And we have, to me that is something very special. So, at this point I write her a very long email detailing my faults in the relationship but really more emphasizing all the good points. . .and this is her reply "i don't even know where to begin to respond to an email like that, it was poetry, a beautiful poem to our relationship. there is so much beauty in it. thank you for that open caring, that truth, and that perception of me. it feels wonderful to know you see me that way. i wish for you i could be in that place of certainty you are, and i once was. thank you for understanding i need space right now. i'm not saying never, but i am saying not right now. and your strength to let me go and give me this space is beautiful. we will never leave each other's lives or hearts. but thank you for letting me go to fly and find what i find, be what i need to be right now, and find my way, alone, for now. I love you always. . . " Ok, so it is clear that she is confused with what she wants. And I was confused at one point almost exactly two years ago. . .I almost had an affair but did not, yet I pushed her away, which was one of my faults I talked about earlier. So, I really don't know what my question is. I am trying to give her the space now. . .I will not contact her. . .but it is hell being over here in China right now and trying to deal with this. When this all went down I booked a flight back the next day. But, before I left for the airport I realized I needed to respect her wishes and give her the space. But, I feel so damn sad and lonely out here now . .. and all I want to do is run back and try to fix things. But, I will hold out until the end of the program here. .. which is August 5th. Thanks for listening guys. I know I really love this girl. And she has always shown and given her love to me. Even through all of this she constantly says that I am her one and only love and there is no one else. She also says she has no interest in any other guys. She said "when she met me, all other guys held no meaning for her and still do not." She told me this as she told me she needed the space. So, I am not really worried about that. I guess I may be worried about her feelings for women. I have always tried to be the best boyfriend. Sure I have my faults, like studying obsessively and surfing obsessively. But, when we are together in Hawaii I also cook every night for her and we have time together every evening and the weekends together. I ultimately want her to be happy. I just hope I will be included in that happiness. Any help would be greatly appreciated here everyone. O I forgot to mention. I dont know if it has anything to do with her commitment issue but her parents got a divorce out of nowhere when she was 16. The dad just upped and left with no signs suggesting that he would. So, this may be part of it or not at all.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 It would be much better if people didn't come up with this "I need space" and "I need time" bullsh*t and just told the truth: "I don't love you anymore like you want to be loved, and I am breaking up with you."
sao2 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Our ex's must be drinking the same water or something. With her it was also about this stress and she also has similar commitment issues. I think you are doing well to let her have that space. Keep updating as you need to.
Hestia Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 its never a good idea to "give space" or time outs or whatever you wanna call it. its just a disguised breakup and in the long run it ends up hurting much more. its only bringing you pain and making you anxious. break up with her. i know it hurts but its the best. you're in pain because your heart is asking for you to fix it and it will keep that way until god knows when if you dont do something about it. but you cant fix it, you girlfriend was very clear about not wanting anything at the moment. break free and start the healing. if you're meant to be together, you'll find a way in the future. if not, thats just because it wasnt meant to be.
Author tommycapnpants Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I see your logic in this. But, as we all know breaking free is harder to do than say. It is still all too raw. So, at this point all I feel I can really do is respect what she wants and give her space. If that means breaking up then yeah it will hurt more in the long run. . .but I believe there is still a chance. Maybe this sounds desperate but what can you do when in love?
Hestia Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 i completely understand that, i've been there too. i hope everything works out for you two. keep us posted.
Author tommycapnpants Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 ok, it is friday night. i am in beijing by myslef with my friends. i cant handle this. i love her so much. i need to get home soon. i am in a dream scholarship right now though. please help.. . beer did not help at all. i feel more alone that i have ever felt. o jesus. ...
bish Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 This is torturous. . .thanks for lending an ear!!! My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has told me that she needs space right now. I agree with Lucrecia on this one. The "I need space" line is a load of crap. Basically someone saying they need space is them saying, "I want to date other people" Ok...so give her her damn space......like forever.
bish Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 ok, it is friday night. i am in beijing by myslef with my friends. i cant handle this. i love her so much. i need to get home soon. i am in a dream scholarship right now though. please help.. . beer did not help at all. i feel more alone that i have ever felt. o jesus. ... I know you don't want to hear this bud, and I really feel for you, but it doesn't sound like she is much in love with you if she wants to be with other people. What you need to do is go out and hook up with some women. Get your juke on...party. Forget about whatsherdiddle.
Author tommycapnpants Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 i appreciate your brutal honesty, but i know in the long run hooking up with random women would not be for the best. been down that path before. besides, even if i didn't have that insight i could not bring myself to at this point. . .still too fresh i guess. but thanks again for your honest words. i dont know if youre right, you very well may be. . .but i guess it's a chance i just have to take.
sao2 Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 You know her better than we do, so whether or not she will come back you, in a moment of pure honesty, will be able to give the best answer. What I can tell you is this. ALCHOHOL WILL NOT HELP YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, this is a time when you should avoid heavy drinking. I know, if I drank now it would help for about an hour, by the end of the night I would be crying at the doorstep of the bar. Believe me, I have regretted showing my emotion after 10 too many drinks. You have seen the movie Swingers, correct, BUY IT. Main point, at this point there is nothing we can do except try our best to move on. If you can't move on, fake it the best you can. If you really want to be with her you can only hope that she comes back to you before you have moved on(and if you have moved on you won't care).
Author tommycapnpants Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 Funny thing is I just left a message on your thread sao. yeah, i know alcohol does not help in any way whatsoever. tomorrow i will hit the dvd shop to buy swingers. hope they have it, havent seen it in a long time and i think it will help. good thing dvd's are only a buck here! i actually got an email from her today. just a nice note telling me about her week and the yoga classes that she taught. so, i in turn told her a little about my week. nothing deep at all. just trying to keep it light. man, it's hard though isn't it? knowing that you want to tell her everything but knowing that is the exact thing you should not do. o well, i am hanging in there. i feel as if i am coming to terms in a way with this. no more tears, just a bit empty. but still everything reminds me of her. . .and i am in a totally different country!
sao2 Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 thanks dude, I totally understand about being in a different country. Her and I started the ldr part of our relationship last summer when we BOTH moved abroad. Her farther than I, but still. It is alot harder when you are away from your "home base" so to speak. If I was still living where I was living before I had so many female friends that either wanted to be with me or set me up I would very quickly have a found a friendly body to lay next to. DAMN CAREER GOALS, they screw up relationships every time.
Yamaha Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 When she gave you the best friends speech you were screwed. She has moved on but is trying to be easy on you because she KNOWS you love her. You do not want space from somebody you love. period. She likes you as a person but doesn't have the feelings you have for her. It sucks but you are going to have to get over her and find someone else who feels more than friendship for you.
Topper Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Tommy Your in China with lots and lots of beautiful Chinese woman all around. You speak the language and you are exotic to them. Start socializing and mingleing. In other words move on.
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