nwf Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Hello, I found this site and was hoping I could get some opinions and thoughts as I'm feeling depressed due to the following situation. First of all, I've been married to my wife for 23 years. We're both in our early-mid 40's so we married fairly young. We have 2 children in their teens. My wife lives in North America while I work overseas and only get to visit my family 3-4 times a year for about a month each time. My wife's parents are living with her and my mother also moved in with them recently. She also works full time as a receptionist. Lately, I've been very busy at work and haven't been contacting her or replying to her emails much. I've neglected her and I know this. I know I haven't been been there for her and she probably feels alone and feels like she's suffocating having to take care of the kids, her parents and my mother in addition to work, etc. Well, I discovered that my wife has recently been meeting another man for coffee, going for walks and also chatting online with him and I'd like to know if she's cheating on me or if this is just an innocent friendship? This is an email I discovered a week ago from this man: ----------------------------- I find it is easier for me to call you **** instead of ** **, though I suspect calling you ** **, in (your native language), sounds closer. Any way, just want to tell you I enjoyed the walk and the drink with you yesterday……… ----------------------------- She just got this email recently from this other man: ----------------------------- A friend of mine has just arrrived and I am thinking of having dinner with him. Should be free later tonight. Would like to see you if possible, else I'll settle for chatting with you online, . ---------------------------- This was her reply: ---------------------------- I am going to a meeting tonight during my daughter's class. I will be free around 9:30pm. chat with you later. Have a good time. ----------------------------- What should I do? What are my options? The only options I see are 1) to confront her and ask her about this or 2) ignore it and try to be there for her, contacting her more often by phone and email... ideally I know it'd be best if I was with her and our kids but I can't afford to leave my job. Do I have any other options? I don't want to lose her and we have our kids to think about but if I ask her about this she will be angry at the invasion of privacy especially if this is just a friendship and I may lose her but if I don't do anything I may lose her anyway to this other man. It seems like I'll lose either way. Please help...
Zona76 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Why are you working overseas. Why are her parents and yours living with her? Didn't they grow up and learn to live by themselves? And you expect her to NOT have friends? YES there's a problem. Where? ...got a mirror?
Lynna Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 First, how did you find out about this friend of hers? Did she tell you or did you discover it somehow? You have admitted that you have not dedidicated enough of your time to her, yes, you should definitely be doing more of that right now! She certainly is allowed to have friends, be they male or female. But, from the sound of these emails there may be something brewing if it has not happened already. I know I don't just hang out with a single male friend every night. My H had a good female friend and initially they were hanging out with a group, well one thing led to another and they ended up in an A. Do you have to work overseas? How long has this been going on? Long-distance relationships are very difficult. Typically when you marry someone, part of the benefit is the companionship. When the spouse is gone for so long, then you miss out on that part of the relationship. You stop talking about the daily things. You might even stop talking about the future. If your convesations with your W have gotten stale, then be careful. Should you talk to her about this? Well, that is hard to say. It depends partly on how you found out. Was she trying to hide this? If so, then you have to think of the right way to talk to her about it. Or did you know about this friend but only recently discovered the level of detail? Sounds like you can keep monitoring the email so you can see what is going on at least in a little detail. I think at least you should talk to your wife and tell her that you are sorry for neglecting her, that you realize that you have missed talking with her as much and that you want to spend more time with her. Tell her you have really felt the distance in your relationship lately and that you are feeling bad about it. See what she says there. If she acts like it is no big deal, then you better worry. If she agrees with you and says she has missed you then that is a good start. Maybe you should plan a trip home soon. You could always plan a surprise trip too. Then if nothing is going on she will be pleasantly surprise and you will be making up to her for the time when you were neglecting her recently. Which I hope is the case. If she is not pleasantly surprised then you might have a bigger issue.
dbtmarley Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 You two have been married for 23 years, are these guys she is hanging out with mutual friends. Judging from what you wrote I gather you do not know these people and if that is the case, then she is wrong. If you are married you do not go out for drinks and walks on the beach with the opposite sex. I do not agree with Lynna one bit on that one! You need to know what is going on. If she has decided to move on after 23 years of marriage then she needs to tell you this. In my opinion you may want to consider getting a job that keeps you closer to your family if you want your marriage to work. I am sure you are probably already aware of this though.
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