GreenEyedLady Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 I assume that was sardonic as we both know that the majority of singles have sex rarely. Let's add a divorce and some kids to the mix just to make it less palatable for any potential partner. I honestly believe that women tend to discount men's sex drives' date=' too, simply because they cannot understand it. Even among men the drives varies in intensity. I agree that women understanding men's urges is an apples and oranges situation. [/quote'] I'm coming in late on this discussion but WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR INFO? I'm a single (divorced) mother of two and let me tell you I GET WAY MORE SEX SINGLE than I ever did when I was married...and I get QUALITY and QUANTITY... (same partner, though) I think men tend to discount women's sex drives...I have to say that I've never been with a man who's sex drive is as strong as mine (although my current partner's is pretty comparable to mine)...and no, I've never cheated... If you want more sex, you should tell your W that you are thinking of cheating or divorcing if she doesn't give you more...It'd be a wake up call to her and she'd realize how important it is to you... And why couldn't you negotiate so that you both get something out of it? Women need their emotional needs met so that they can enjoy the physical part of it...Like maybe you cuddle for 15 mins after sex instead of rolling over and going to sleep... I know these are generalizations, but there were alot of generalizations in your original post...the thing is that you need to get past the generalizations and get to the truth...if you want your needs met, you have to make them known at an appropriate time and then make them a reality... Geez, if men put as much effort into their M's as their careers, think how successful M could be?
PollyIvy Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 My advice is selfish and immoral. I'd say try to find yourself another OW (a really really safe bet like your first OW) and keep the balance going. Why should you have to be celibate just because you want to raise and support your kids and be a normal guy? A divorce just because you need a little booty seems drastic and damaging to the whole family. But then again, I personally don't feel that sex is bad or wrong, or that all people are naturally monogamous, or that someone else should force any of us to take vows of celibacy against our will.Thus the selfish immorality of my advice
Meaplus3 Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 IMO I think so many marriages end up in comfortable "Best Friend" sitaution's. I have read that in most of these cases the "Spark" so to speak is pretty much burnt and this can be very dangerous opening up the fllodgates to "Temptation", especailly if you are the type of person who truely need's to be admired in a "Romatic" sense. I am not saying that's it's not right to have a great friendship with your spouse, I think it's important, however there need's to be a good balance of passion and friendship in order to define unconditional love. Unconditional love? I truly believe I love my wife unconditionally. What happened with OW had NOTHING TO DO with my W. What happened with OW didn't mean that I didn't love my wife. See what I mean? I think it's diffrent for a man vs a woman and why they enter into a Ea or A. In my case (ea) it was for lack of "love" for H that lead me to this MM. Guess it's that ever so popular "compartmentalizing" thing that men are great at. AP:)
Chubbi Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Sex addiction. If you have no boundaries with any woman, what makes you think you do not have the..er..disorder? Have you tried prostitutes? Does your W not have sex with you at all? You said she doesn't do it as much as you like..but if your W has a low sex drive, what can she do? Since you admitted that you have cried to sleep, can you tell us exactly how you have tried to communicate your needs to your W? You see, men aren't too refined in expressing their emotions. Just trying to check the list. How old are you? mid-life crisis could be..again just doing the options You should not make this a men do blahblahblah vs. women do blahblahblah. It's the year 2007- men and women do the same thing. Now your W might not. You know..I've read posts by (gosh!) women who go through this unsex with their Hs, and the response was that..1. divorce. 2. masturbate more. 3. get over it and quit being selfish. Why you have evoked such pity is beyond me. And lemme tell you, those women weren't serial cheaters (like yourself).
BurriedAlive Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 There were many night when I actually cried myself to sleep because I felt so unwanted. I know EXACTLY how you feel. My ex husband wanted nothing to do with me sexually. For 7 long years we would have sex maybe once or twice a year and it was horrible because I felt like he was only doing it because he had to. I would get together with my girlfriends and they would complain about how their husbands wouldn't leave them alone. What I wouldn't have done for a H who didn't want to keep it in his pants! Anyway, I went away on business trip with my boss and ended up having sex all night long with him and then we had an affair that last a year. I left my H one week after I first had sex with MM. I finally realized that my H wasn't normal and I didn't have to live that way. I loved him and everything but eventually that love faded to almost nothing because he was not meeting my needs. Even if he said he loved me alot, I just didn't feel loved because we were not having sex. Anyway, a few days ago my xH and I were talking and he said that he "supressed" his sex drive for all those years because he didn't love me. We had lots of sex in the start of our relationship and then it just stopped. Talk is cheap and I know now that even if he said he loved me, he didn't which is why he didn't want to have sex with me. If I were you Suede, I wouldn't settle for what you have. My A taught me that a sexless marriage is not normal and you should be able to find a partner that can't get enough of you! I couldn't get enough of my MM and I can't wait to find a single guy that wants to stay in bed with me!!!
Scott_W Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I'm coming in late on this thread, and only responding to the parts of your quote that I clipped above. You are wrong. Women who get GOOD sex want it as much as men! It's like a switch that gets turned on inside them, by getting good sex. In many of those cases, women can crave it even more, getting very frustrated and out of sorts when they go without getting laid for too long. They fantasize and masturbate too, some very frequently. If you've had sex with so many women and come away with the conclusions in your post then there can only be one reason. The women you've had affairs with were not getting good sex ... and probably are one of the many women who have not yet experienced good sex from anywhere else ... yet. I agree. I think it's YOUR problem, Suede O'Nim, - not the other women. You need to learn more about making a woman happy, romantically and sexually. Then you'll realize that women can be just as horny as men.
circeinvidiosa Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I've only read about a quarter of the posts and I don't know if I am repeating things other people have said to you, or what .... couldn't wait to post though, and just ignore me if someone else already said it .... Having a lousy sex life is not a frivolous reason to end your marriage. Who told you that? Someone started to say it, so I'll finish. Sex is the single most important urge in the human body (past basic survival urges) for a good reason: without sex the species would cease to exist. Furthermore, sex has influenced human social structure in ways I couldn't begin to describe here without writing a book. You are supposed to go out and find a life partner whose needs for sex are relatively compatible to your own, however, people have been so stigmatized about wanting sex, that they rarely do this. As a woman, I can completely and totally understand your need for lots of good sex. There are a lot of women like me out here. It is not a given that once you get married, you don't have sex very much. BS! The only thing I cannot understand, as a woman, is the need so many men seem to have for a variety of partners. Some of you seem to want and need a regular woman at home, and then the opportunity to search the field for other partners as well. This is also a part of the male biology. So, when you say you want lots of sex, what are you really saying? Are you saying you want lots of good, creative sex with a monogamous partner, or are you saying you just want lots of partners? Reading carefully between the lines of your original posts, and your stated reluctance to leave your marriage, I believe that it may be the latter. You may not really want to leave your wife, you may simply want leave to cheat on her. And that brings up a moral dilemma for sure. You made a promise of faithfulness when you married, and you're breaking it. As a single person, you certainly could have plenty of sex with a variety of partners, and you could have it without being a cheater and having the attendant moral conflicts. I'm guessing again, but I think you already know that. I think you just don't want to do without the regular partner at home, because it's really nice to have this woman, who loves you and creates this nice home for you with kids and all the domestic comforts. Sorry if I am being harsh here. Not intending to be judgmental about what you may want. It's totally natural to want all these things. It's built into many male people (and some women too)... but you have to think of what's the best way for you to get what you want with the minimum amount of hurt or betrayal to others? I don't have any good answers to that, since it's a very personal decision. There are other answers too. I have had a very high sex drive most of my life. It's just now -- finally -- starting to drop off a bit because of my age. However, I am not one to go to bars and pick people up, or flagrantly sleep around. It's not that I wouldn't if I felt it was safe and morally acceptable, but since it's not either of those things I have had to learn to keep my sex drive under wraps unless I am in a committed relationship. It's mostly either feast or famine for me. I have learned to be celibate for long periods of time. While it's annoying to have urges that you can't fully satisfy, it's not an impossible lifestyle, either. I am just throwing this out there to remind you that there are other choices besides gratifying all or most of your sexual needs. If your relationship with your wife and kids is really that important to you, then maybe you can learn to subjugate this other need. That would be preferable (In MY opinion) to living a life that is based on false premises and cheating. It's just an idea. No matter how strong our sex urges are, we are in control of what we decide to with them in the long run ....
JustBreathe Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Have you considered that your marriage isn't just about you or what you want or feel? By staying with your wife, deceiving her into thinking you do not cheat, when you know she considers cheating unacceptable and does not do that herself, you keep her from finding a partner who would be able to respect her and what she believes in. You take into your hands HER life and it is her life. She does not deserve to live a lie. Nobody does. You say you don't love her anymore. Doesn't she deserve to find a man who CAN love her the way she deserves? Someone who could be faithful to her, make her feel beautiful and wanted, and make her truly happy? Shouldn't she have that much for having loved you? Don't say she would never get over you or would be devastated. Sure, it would be hard, but she would move on. It would be better for her, more merciful, more human and compassionate, if you left her. That is, if you cannot quit cheating.
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