zilverenvlinder Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Please respond with some good stories about stalker exes/just plain stalkers. I'm sure we all find them amusing. Here's mine. It's pretty severe. (And I bring it up because it really hasn't stopped yet.) When I was a junior in high school (about six years ago), I dated this guy named Tommy. We dated for about a year. This was after he wrote me poems, called me every day, and bought me a bunch of stuff while we were just friends, because he really liked me. I thought it was sweet and decided to give it a shot. In the beginning of my senior year of high school, I broke up with him because he was too wishy-washy. I needed a MAN, you know? I was 18 and going to college next year and wanted to get my single life out of the way. I told him we could still be friends. Well, the minute I broke up with him, he told me he was going to go home and hang himself. I brushed it off and told him I'd call him later. He wouldn't leave my house. He told me he wanted me to get my stepdad's handgun out of his room so I could shoot him myself. I told him to leave, and he finally did. Tommy called me six times that night, and I didn't answer the phone. (Caller ID.) At school the next day, he met me outside all of my classes and tried to hold my hand and walk with me down the hall. I finally learned to leave each class to "go to the bathroom" a minute early so he couldn't find me. I didn't want to tell the administrators because I was afraid he really was going to off himself. A week later, he came knocking at my door and gave me a notebook. The front was titled "1000 Things I Love About Elia". There was literally, 1000 things in a list in that book, like, "I love the way her eyebrow twitches" and stupid crap like that. This happened for about two weeks, and I was afraid seriously, that he was going to kidnap me. One day, while my little brother was sitting alone in our house, Tommy walked in the unlocked front door and sat in the foyer and waited for me to come home from work (I hostessed at a restaurant). When my little brother saw him, he threatened to call the cops, so he finally left. One day, while I was at work, Tommy came in and told the manager he needed to speak to me, it was an emergency. The manager told me, and I went outside to talk to him, and Tommy tried to kiss me and hold my hand. I told the manager to kick him out, and he did. After about six months, it simmered down, and I felt it was safe to go out with another guy. I went to play pool with this cute guy friend from work and told a couple girlfriends about it. Tommy found out about it, went to the Billiards hall, and again told me he would kill himself if I ever did anything with another guy... in front of this guy! I got the owner of the Billiards hall to kick him out. So, I finally escaped, or so I thought. I graduated High school, and moved, and distanced myself from Tommy. He got my cell phone number from my (stupid) little brother, pretending to be someone else. He called me about once every two weeks during my freshman year at college, and told me we should be friends, and that's it. I of course, said it wouldn't be a good idea, and then he told me he had some of my CDs and wanted to drop them off to me. It seemed like he was digging for my new address. I said "keep the CDs", and never gave him my address. I changed my cell number and told my family to NOT give anyone my cell number. His trying to contact me has significantly dropped in the last four or five years. I even heard he had a few girlfriends. But he never gives up, and I don't think he will. So today, yes, TODAY, SIX YEARS LATER, I was at my mom/stepdad's house sitting by the pool, and he called their house number. I picked it up, not knowing it was him. When I realized who it was, I panicked. He said, "Hey, I was just wondering if you wanted to go out sometime?" I told him I was married. I'm not. I told him I got married two months ago in a small courthouse ceremony, and that I'm six months pregnant. I'm not. I told my family the same story, just in case they ran into him. LOL. Maybe I can keep him away for good this time?
quankanne Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 this is a damned creepy topic! I mean, I know that when one person breaks it off and the other person just isn't quite ready to accept the reality of it, the dumpee sometimes will say or do or think things are still the way they are, and that's normal. However, it's a fine line between innocent wishing and stalking ... story isn't mine, but my best friend's, and I didn't find out until LONG after we got out of high school. Our junior year, she started dating my cousin, and she was his first love. Not sure why they broke up, but they did. Fast forward to graduation, and his announcement that he was going to join the Navy. He'd come home on leave and would take his motorcyle out to just outside her parents' farm and wait for her to come home from dates! Her brother would tell him that she wasn't interested and that he had to leave, but my cousin would ignore him, and try to strike up small talk until he got home. Not sure how long that went on, but it just grossed me out thinking he was stalking her! And this was my relative ... ewww ... never had that happen to me, thank goodness, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, that's just too creepy to fathom.
annabelle75 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I picked up a stalker when I was 17 and had just graduated from high school. I met him at friend’s going away party, who had joined the navy. He and I chatted for maybe a whole 15 minutes at the party and he had spent most of the night sitting near me. I didn’t think much of it until the next day when he showed up at the store I worked at and gave me a diamond pendant. It completely freaked me out, but I didn’t want to be mean. I said thank you but told him I wasn’t allowed to have visitors or I’d lose my job. He acted cool with it and left. I figured I’d tell my friend what he had done and that she could let him down nicely for me. Instead he had taken my rejection as his que to try harder and that was the beginning of two years of him spying on my house, leaving jewelry on my door step, leaving messages threatening me to call him on my parent’s answering machine and eventually threatening to hurt me if I dated anyone else. It was before they had “stalker laws,” so the police just basically told me to keep all evidence against him in a safe place that some one else knows about in case he ever did anything to me. How very helpful, eh? It eventually stopped after he had asked his Dad to call me to invite me to Thanksgiving at his parents house. I called his Dad back and found out his entire family thought I was his girlfriend. They were pretty creeped out to find out the truth and talked him into going into a rehab program (he had a serious drug problem). He sent me a few letters from rehab, but they eventually stopped and I haven’t heard from him since. Since then I have been really careful who I sit next to at parties.
JulieL Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I am presently IN a stalking situation with an ex bf (we lived together several years). I believe him to be a sociopath as he meets all the criteria on the psychopathy checklist in abundance. He moved out of my place on his own, then tried to come back, which I didn't want. He alternates between nice calls and threatening ones, sometimes up to 20 -30 times per day. I thought he had moved on cause about a month after our breakup he rode another girl by my house on his motorcycle, BUT then the next day called me repeatedly to tell me about the other girl. Then called later repeatedly denying there ever was another girl. I actually saw him drive by with her. haha Then nasty nasty msgs, then nice, has stolen stuff from my place (yard), dumped a bag of trash in my yard, dumped a box of broken dishes in my backyard, .....then back to nice and begging me to come back to him......stopping by my place unnannounced numerous times, .....now I keep my phone shut off all the time except when I need to make a call. He is still doing the alternating between nice (well, even in the msgs begging me to get back together he manages to slyly throw in a few negatives about me), then back to nasty msgs, msgs telling me he won't be happy till he runs me out of state blah blah. This has been going on now for two and half months. I won't even go to my door now if he comes by. He showed up the other night around 11 pm and tore the hell up out of some of my landscaping by doing a burnout on his bike, then phoned later and left vm saying a friend of his did it (a crackhead he knows I don't like). No use phoning the police cause he lies more easily than he breathes, and the last time I went that route it didn't work out too good for me. :-( Needless to say I AM planning to move, dammit. Stalkers are NUTZS. Anyone got any good advice for dealing with a stalker type, lay it on me.
Alexandra-Girl Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Here is a doozey, Had a friend who would take in foster kids. She had our yearbook out and was chatting with me on the phone. Her foster brother of 2 months wanted to know who she was talking with so she showed him my old highschool photo. Fast forward 2 months, I receive phone call from said foster kid, who claims to be watching me and is going to break down my backdoor and have his way with me. Needless to say, after running through my house locking my doors, I call my friend to tell her and find out how the heck he has my digits. Keep in mind I have never met this kid, nor seen a picture of him. She then tells me, foster-kid had left 1.5 months ago and to call his probation officer. Now in freak out mode, I ring the prob officer who then proceeds to tell me that she has not heard from foster-kid in 1 month and does not know his whereabouts. I sat for hours in the dark (so I would see him first) waiting to hear footsteps. I don't think I had clentched a dagger that tight in my life. I was ready to put it through his heart if he broke in. Nothing came about, and no further word from the chap ever. I will never forget that night!
kimba Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 a year or two ago afriend of mine was receiving phone calls in the middle of the night where the guy would do the old heavy breathing - and- occasionally seem to be jerking off over the phone (we analysed it pretty closely...). One night he rang and said "oh i really liked that black negligee you were wearing the other night" (he had been somehow looking thru her bedroom window from the road. It was getting really creepy. For months we went over a checklist of people it could be. She's a teacher so we went through every male teacher at the school, scrutinised the character of every tradesman she had over. We went over it and over it. in the meantime she had gone to the police with the answering machine messages and the phone company eventually traced the calls. It was her neighbour. A 17 year old boy that lived in this really dodgy household next door. they had moved 2 months earlier, so she didn't even consider them. seems he must have missed her. Anyway he had a record withthe police and she was advised not to pursue it because he would be likely to firebomb her house.
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 All the men here who do this extreme stalking are seriously disturbed... Anyone mention RESTRAINING ORDER ?
Alexandra-Girl Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 In all honesty, a restraining order is a deterrant - but it is just that, a piece of paper. If there is no prior criminal record, it may change the person for better. If there is a prior criminal record and there is a desire to harm, the harm will be done. Look at the child molesters and convicted rapists - they have judicial orders to stay away - now look at the news, do they? I think the reoffender ratio can speak volumes to this.
JulieL Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 In reading several sites devoted to stalking, virtually ALL of them advise you just what the above poster said. They also point out that to a seriously disturbed stalker that a restraining order usually just provokes them MORE, because they view it as more rejection and further loss of control over you. Although a restraining order serves as a deterrent in some cases, the statistics show filing one in most cases causes the violence to intensify, especially when the stalker is a former intimate partner of yours, and more women are murdered in the time period shortly after filing one than at any other time. Alot of good advice to help protect yourself is given, but the one thing also said is that if at all possible, although it is drastic, is to move as far away from your stalker as possible. Even if they are arrested for violating the order of protection, they are back out on the street shortly thereafter--see? And if you are lucky enough to have a police dept. who takes it seriously, they can't be around to protect you 24/7, they show up after the fact if harm is done. In my particular case the one time I did call the police during an episode of violence, when my ex was still living with me "I" got arrested. It was irrelevant to the police officer who arrested me that the guy had smashed up things, had pushed me around, was holding me against the door. I tripped while he was shoving me across the room, and I also had yanked his hand off my jaw/upper throat area. At some point during this scuffle my nail scraped a tiny scrape on his earlobe. The officer saw blood, my ex told him I scratched him, and that was all she wrote--my ass went to jail. BTW while sitting in the back of the squad car I asked the officer: "So you mean to tell me he could have me down with a knife to my throat and I could struggle to get away and when you get here if I have no marks on me, but he has one on him, you arrest me?" The officer said "That's right." I guess they go with what they can visually see. I'm sure alot of policemen are not so narrowminded that they can't access the entire situation and make a better judgement call--I mean my ex is twice my size, stuff was smashed, he was drinking and actually had a beer in his hand when the police arrived. He was told to just sit down and finish his beer. BTW, he had cut his finger while smashing one item and had gone into the bathroom to bandage and of course never mentioned THAT to the police (that accounted for alot of blood the policeman saw I believe). But I didn't even know he cut his finger until two days later when he smiled and told me that, plus I found splatters of blood up on the wall over an item he smashed, and this was nowhere near where the altercation with the possible ear scratch took place. After this guy moved from my home and started the vandalization he showed up while I was outside (he had stolen items from my yard, dumped trash in my yard, then padlocked my storage bldg housing my washer/dryer with NO key for me to get in. When I threatened to phone police he just said: "Go ahead, By the time they get here my nose will be bleeding and YOU will be arrested again." My only option is to move and I am making plans to do so because by my being arrested what that has done IMO is give my ex a green light to do whatever the hell he wants to me now with no fear of consequences because he now knows all he has to do is self injure in some minor way and I'm off to the pokey again. In his line of work, btw, he frequently has some sort of bruise or small cut on him. Needless to say I have lost all confidence in police ever being able to help me, at least in this town.
jcster Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 JulieL - do you know if your ex was doing crack too? (you said he had a crackhead friend - usually a good sign). Long time crack use will make people psychotic. The nice then furious then nice pattern sounds pretty familiar.
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I think sitting in the back of a police car handcuffed because your husband did some physical assault and he just learned you can go to jail if he scratches himself is enough for me to move farrrrrrrrr farrrrrr away
LoveLace Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Have you ever seen the movie "Fear" with Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon? Good movie. It's an exaggeration of a stalker..but could all very well happen in real life, too...freaky!
underpants Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 JL, can you move away faster? Can you stay with a friend somewhere, have a friend help you move your stuff out (in broad daylight) when you do find another place? That guys sounds very unstable and dangerous. Let him have the block, neighborhood, and if that is how the police investigate there, let him have the whole town.
IWalkAlone Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I am now going to provide a persepctive that is seldom expressed: I was once accused of stalking. On other occasions with other girls, I have done some "stalkerish" behavoir, such as driving by their homes to see if they were there, calling several times a day, and hanging out near their workplace or places on campus where they're likely to be. But I am not as extreme as some of the horror stories above. I have never committed violence or threatned anyone or myself with violence. I've never had a restraining order on me. None of this "phases" ever lasted more than a couple of weeks. But here's what triggers that sort of thing with me... All of the women I've acted "starkerish" toward were women I either dated or came very close to dating, but went suddenly cold toward me with no explaination. One day we're getting along great and she acts like she really likes me, then suddenly dates are broken, phone calls are not returned and no explanation is offered. Some women will break up with a guy will have a talk with him about what about him is lacking or what the extenuating circumstances are. When this happens I just move on. But many other women want to "spare the guy's feelings" and just cut off contact, then act like no explanation is owed. When that happens, I feel like there is no closure. I get obsessed with finding out what I do that kills women's interest. Do I have bad breath? Are me shoes ugly? Are my conversation topics too nerdy? My friends can't tell me why a particulur woman dumped me. You guys on LS can't tell me. The only one who really knows is her, and she won't tell me. She won't answer the phone when I call so the only thing I can do is try to approach her out in public somewhere. Eventually I just decide she is a stupid b!tch and move on, but with my view of women in general damaged. So my question to those who have been stalked is this: Did you tell him your honest thoughts and feelings when you broke up with him? Or did you just stop answering the phone one day?
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Listen : It happens to all of us who are single. The guy didn't jive with me on the date and didn't call back. I didn't dig the guy on the date and I didn't call back.. Sometimes they lead you on a bit and then stop calling. Other than having your feelings hurt a bit you have to say " I was not right for this person , this person did not like me the way I liked him " You need to do the same. Hang around here long enough and you will learn how NOT to act when a date stands you up, does not call after the date and completely ignores you as if you never existed. You will learn how to let go of someone who has dumped you.. I have NEVER went to their employment, their home or anything else. Thats because thats IS stalkerish. If they have stopped calling I give one return call back and if I hear nothing I move on...
JulieL Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 JCster, Yes, this guy has started smoking crack. From what I understand he had a pretty bad habit maybe 7 or 8 years ago, prior to meeting me, got cleaned up etc. But unbenownst to me, he started doing it again about a year or so prior to our breakup. I found out. He'd swear he quit. I'd catch him at it again, and YES, he would sometimes get very paranoid after smoking, hallucinations, seeing people not there, hiding under the bed, the works. He swears he cleaned up again, but I doubt it. To the guy who asked about whether all contact was cold turkey. No, I would talk to him at first after the breakup, tried to communicate why it wasn't working out, tried the friendship route at first. Then it turned nasty with the threats and all, so I would keep my phone off most of the time, but if he caught me on walkie-talkie nextel link I would chat for a minute. Then he got nice, then back even nastier. It has been two and half months since the breakup. He did some nasty things right from the start, but I would attempt to reason with him. It has been only a few weeks since I have refused ALL contact in person or by phone, thus the voicemails on cell, calls on the home phone (I disabled voicemail on that), showing up unnanounced, notes on the car etc. I stopped ALL contact after he threatened to self injure and have me arrested again. I will be moving within a week. BTW, he also threatened to burn my house down, but this was said in person. I got a nasty little voicemail today telling me I didn't have sprinkler system, so I better be careful in case of fire blah blah, but note he is clever enough not to actually say HE would be the cause of fire on the voicemail. BTW, I also found out from a very reliable source that he did, in fact, burn someone's boathouse down many years ago, but swore it was an "accident"..This was a close relative and they did not prosecute. So, I'm moving out of state, putting my house up for sale, so at least me and my animals will be safe (Yeah, he threatened to kill my dog too)...but I don't know how the house will fare while it is sitting here up for sale. I rather doubt he will actually burn it, but I'll be surprised if he doesn't vandalize it in some way. o the person who mentioned crack---I knew it depleted your dopamine and resulted in nasty moods, and I knew you could get paranoid while actually smoking it, but does it result in permanent paranoia or psychotic eposides when you are not in the middle of smoking it (I mean like in the week following or so while you are not smoking?) I guess that could be the problem. Whatever it is, I'm getting the hell outta here, although I'll have to make several trips back for a few days here and there to tie up loose ends.
underpants Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 OMG, I am so sorry you are mixed up in that mess. I am glad to hear that you are moving within the week. I am still scared for you. I hope you are not staying there as I couldn't feel comfortable. I also hope your animals are not there either. This would be a case that if nothing else, go stay in a hotel for the last few days and board the animals. Also, keep the voicemail and any other 'evidence', just in case. I would only be going back to get things, or tie up other loose ends with friends or family and in the light of day. Be safe, Unders
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I'm surprised more people don't use call block.
JulieL Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I actually did let my voicemail fill up many time and just left it that way for awhile, so he couldn't reach me at all. But then I got even more of the in person nasty threats--you know like showing up and banging on my door and screaming obscenities, although I wouldn't open the door. I was told (by a domestic violence counselor) and also read it on those stalking sites, that it is better to turn the phone off, although voicemail will still work. That way, the stalker has a way to reach you, although they are not really reaching "you" ,thus they don't feel totally cut off. When they are totally cut off with NO way to vent, the violence tends to escalate because they are frustrated. Who knows? At any rate, I was also told to record those voicemails and keep on tape in case needed at some point for evidence. It's really hard to know WHAT to do, what will make it worse, etc. And I am no spring chicken as I am 51 years old, so it isn''t like I haven't been thru any other breakups before. Some breakups are easy, some a bit more difficult, but None have ever come anywhere even in the vicinity of being anything like this. It really is sort of mind blowing and seems unreal, but unfortunately, it is real.
Green Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 well there was once this one guy stalking me so I beat him up and broke all his stuff... It worked he stopped
IWalkAlone Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Listen : It happens to all of us who are single. The guy didn't jive with me on the date and didn't call back. I didn't dig the guy on the date and I didn't call back.. Sometimes they lead you on a bit and then stop calling. Other than having your feelings hurt a bit you have to say " I was not right for this person , this person did not like me the way I liked him " You need to do the same. ... I know that everyone exeperiences rejection in their life, but for me it is virtually EVERY time. That is not the experience of my friends. They tend to have girlfriends for months or a year or two (those who aren't married yet), and after breaking up, they have a new girlfriend within weeks or a month or two. MY experience is that I go for months with out a date (everyone has a boyfriend or is "too busy"), and when I do date someone, it soon fizzles out, usually without any arguments or major areaa of incompatability. Why is that? I don't know, but I do need to learn it so I don't repeat this cycle my whole life. Some of the guys described in this thread are clearly wacko, and I'm surprised these women don't sense it early. I don't think I'm wacko. I'm just asking for some hoest communication. Women like to say they want a guy who is open and shares his feelings. I don't think I'm asking too much for women I date to do the same.
amaysngrace Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Being stalked is creepy. I wouldn't lie to a stalker because when he finds out the truth it's just going to set him off further in his whacky mind. And yes, if he's that into you he's going to find out the truth. And it's going to be one more reason for him to speak to you to find out why you lied. As for you, when your mind gets messed with over a period of time it can really screw with your thinking. And if you find yourself lying to this guy then I think he's getting to you. Which you should never allow. Take the power away from this creep. Call the police. And get yourself help to deal with all the BS he has put you through.
lino Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Listen : It happens to all of us who are single. The guy didn't jive with me on the date and didn't call back. I didn't dig the guy on the date and I didn't call back.. Sometimes they lead you on a bit and then stop calling. Other than having your feelings hurt a bit you have to say " I was not right for this person , this person did not like me the way I liked him " You need to do the same. Hang around here long enough and you will learn how NOT to act when a date stands you up, does not call after the date and completely ignores you as if you never existed. You will learn how to let go of someone who has dumped you.. I have NEVER went to their employment, their home or anything else. Thats because thats IS stalkerish. If they have stopped calling I give one return call back and if I hear nothing I move on... Well I've never stalked women who dumped me, I've simply moved on and met others. But I can understand where Iwalkalone is coming from. Is it so hard to tell someone the honest reason for dumping them? I've never dumped a girl I've only ever been the dumpee but if I was to dump a girl I'd tell her exactly the reason for it, not give some sugar coated excuse or say nothing at all!! I've never understood why this is so hard for the women that dumped me to do?!? Also some of these stories are just psycho, but what blows me away even more than hearing these stories is how nutcases like these guys have loved & been loved themselves by someone but not me? I wouldn't even imagine to be like this yet these guys have had more success than me! I'm lost
jcster Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Is it so hard to tell someone the honest reason for dumping them? I've never dumped a girl I've only ever been the dumpee but if I was to dump a girl I'd tell her exactly the reason for it, not give some sugar coated excuse or say nothing at all!! I've never understood why this is so hard for the women that dumped me to do?!? Well, if you've never dumped someone, then how would you know how difficult it is? I can tell you that I've dumped a good number of guys, and I usually didn't give them much of an explanation. Why? Because I don't owe them one! It either works or it doesn't. I've tried explaining my reasons to guys in the past, and all I get is the whiney "Why? I'm not like that! You're wrong! Why are you so mean? You're crazy" crap. If you're too difficult to talk to, you will be dumped and you will not know why.
jcster Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 JulieL - there are a couple of really great message boards for people who are going through exactly the same things you are. I would highly recommend checking them both out, they've helped me tremendously. http://groups.msn.com/AskaRecoveringCrackAddict http://groups.msn.com/SupportForFamilyFriendsOfCrackAddicts Good luck! I think you're doing all you can do right now - be safe.
Recommended Posts