Misplaced Anger.

[Ladyjane14]

I've always felt that OW/OM are deserving of the contempt they receive from the betrayed party. With the exception of serial cheaters, the cheating partner usually has at least has some kind of beef with their spouse. The "other person" more times than not, doesn't even know them. And yet, they aid and abet a strike at the betrayed's very heart.

 

I find it to be an inexcusable act, an act lacking in all human compassion, for one person to perpetrate this kind of injustice upon another. We're talking about a willful choice which has the propensity to completely obliterate another person's family dynamic, lifestyle, and emotions. There are NO REASONS which would justify taking part in something like that, IMHO.

 

I've read posts here at LS for several years now, and rather than growing in empathy and compassion for the OW/OM, I've noticed that I actually have less. I've become convinced that these people are either emotionally stunted or... just plain old garden-variety evil.

[Melissa277]

Oh believe me, the OM/OW does NOT get all of the anger. Oh no, there is a BOATLOAD the size of the Titanic of anger directed just at the WS, WAY more than is directed at the OM/OW.

 

Believe me, when the WS, the one person you trust more than anyone else in the world, the person who stood up before the world and promised to love, honor, and protect you, the BS, forsaking all others, etc, etc, turns around and sleeps with another person, repeatedly usually, and tells that other person personal things about you and your marriage that NO ONE else knows except your spouse, when they betray you like that there is PLENTY of anger to go around to both parties who CHOSE to do the betraying.

 

Unless the WS is able to lie enough and convince the OM/OW that he/she is single, the OM/OW consciously enters into an affair witha a married person!!! I don't care how many promises the WS makes to the OM/OW about how they are going to get a divorce, they are really unhappy in their marriage, etc, etc, that OM/OW CHOSE to start sleeping with a married person. If they are really going to get a divorce keep your pants on and let that happen FIRST. That is the moral and honorable thing to do. If you jump into an affair, knowingly then you SHARE some of the responsibility, period!

 

And there is NO WAY that the OM/OW is getting the short end of the stick. For the BS their life has just been unalterably changed! Their ability to completely trust ANYONE they get into a relationship with has been severely damaged. The person they love more than anyone else on Earth has taken their heart and RIPPED IT TO SHREDS by being so selfish. If the BS decides to divorce the WS, they have just lost their marriage. They have lost the security, the companionship, their life will never be the same, their dreams are GONE. If they decide to stay in their marriage, there are YEARS of work in store for rebuilding their trust and intimacy! In either case, through NO CHOICE OF THEIR OWN, the BS's life has been completely changed. Think about it. Put yourself in the position of the BS. Think about how you would feel!

 

The WS gets most of the anger, if you can't handle what you get as the OM/OW, you certainly could not handle what you get as the WS.

 

AMEN! You go girl!

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry for the t/j... but if the betrayed wife in this scenario is indeed reading along, I've got a couple of suggestions for you...

 

The first would be to stop reading this OW's posts. I imagine you're going through a terrible emotional ordeal right now, and it might be difficult to know what you should believe and what you shouldn't. But I can't think of anything positive to be had by allowing an 'enemy of your marriage' access to your brain space whereby she can attempt to manipulate you emotionally. Complete 'No Contact' with OW is your best bet.

 

Consider getting into some IC (individual counseling). This can help you to feel more emotionally supported and a little more self-assured in your decision-making process.

 

You'd also do well to educate yourself thoroughly on the dynamics of extramarital affairs. There are lots of excellent resources on the market.

 

For additional support, there are many relationship sites where you can post with people who are in similar unfortunate circumstances. And while I personally love LS the best , the temptation to view OW's posts might be too great to resist. Try typing into your browser, "infidelity forum", and you'll find some other options.

 

Good luck, BW. Be strong. Infidelity seems like the end of the world, but one way or another it's surmountable. Marriages can and do recover, and even when they don't... life goes on. It's all about attitude, and knowing in your heart that you'll be okay either way it goes.

[IWALH]

Sorry for the t/j... but if the betrayed wife in this scenario is indeed reading along, I've got a couple of suggestions for you...

 

The first would be to stop reading this OW's posts. I imagine you're going through a terrible emotional ordeal right now, and it might be difficult to know what you should believe and what you shouldn't. But I can't think of anything positive to be had by allowing an 'enemy of your marriage' access to your brain space whereby she can attempt to manipulate you emotionally. Complete 'No Contact' with OW is your best bet.

 

Consider getting into some IC (individual counseling). This can help you to feel more emotionally supported and a little more self-assured in your decision-making process.

 

You'd also do well to educate yourself thoroughly on the dynamics of extramarital affairs. There are lots of excellent resources on the market.

 

For additional support, there are many relationship sites where you can post with people who are in similar unfortunate circumstances. And while I personally love LS the best , the temptation to view OW's posts might be too great to resist. Try typing into your browser, "infidelity forum", and you'll find some other options.

 

Good luck, BW. Be strong. Infidelity seems like the end of the world, but one way or another it's surmountable. Marriages can and do recover, and even when they don't... life goes on. It's all about attitude, and knowing in your heart that you'll be okay either way it goes.

 

 

While I do agree that she should stop contacting me, I don't see how anything I say on here could be trying to manipulate her emotionally??

 

I just need to stop posting on here until the storm blows over. In fact, this will DEFINITELY be my last post. This used to be a place I could go to for anonymous input and help regarding my situation but it is no longer that. So with all that being said, this is my LAST post.

 

For the people who still want to talk to me, I am going to figure out this PM thing and then you can!!!!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Lady Jane,

 

How very kind and thoughtful, you my friend are a true humanitarian!

 

Kudos,

IWWH

 

 

Sorry for the t/j... but if the betrayed wife in this scenario is indeed reading along, I've got a couple of suggestions for you...

 

The first would be to stop reading this OW's posts. I imagine you're going through a terrible emotional ordeal right now, and it might be difficult to know what you should believe and what you shouldn't. But I can't think of anything positive to be had by allowing an 'enemy of your marriage' access to your brain space whereby she can attempt to manipulate you emotionally. Complete 'No Contact' with OW is your best bet.

 

Consider getting into some IC (individual counseling). This can help you to feel more emotionally supported and a little more self-assured in your decision-making process.

 

You'd also do well to educate yourself thoroughly on the dynamics of extramarital affairs. There are lots of excellent resources on the market.

 

For additional support, there are many relationship sites where you can post with people who are in similar unfortunate circumstances. And while I personally love LS the best , the temptation to view OW's posts might be too great to resist. Try typing into your browser, "infidelity forum", and you'll find some other options.

 

Good luck, BW. Be strong. Infidelity seems like the end of the world, but one way or another it's surmountable. Marriages can and do recover, and even when they don't... life goes on. It's all about attitude, and knowing in your heart that you'll be okay either way it goes.

[FireandIce]

Oh believe me, the OM/OW does NOT get all of the anger. Oh no, there is a BOATLOAD the size of the Titanic of anger directed just at the WS, WAY more than is directed at the OM/OW.

 

Believe me, when the WS, the one person you trust more than anyone else in the world, the person who stood up before the world and promised to love, honor, and protect you, the BS, forsaking all others, etc, etc, turns around and sleeps with another person, repeatedly usually, and tells that other person personal things about you and your marriage that NO ONE else knows except your spouse, when they betray you like that there is PLENTY of anger to go around to both parties who CHOSE to do the betraying.

 

Unless the WS is able to lie enough and convince the OM/OW that he/she is single, the OM/OW consciously enters into an affair witha a married person!!! I don't care how many promises the WS makes to the OM/OW about how they are going to get a divorce, they are really unhappy in their marriage, etc, etc, that OM/OW CHOSE to start sleeping with a married person. If they are really going to get a divorce keep your pants on and let that happen FIRST. That is the moral and honorable thing to do. If you jump into an affair, knowingly then you SHARE some of the responsibility, period!

 

And there is NO WAY that the OM/OW is getting the short end of the stick. For the BS their life has just been unalterably changed! Their ability to completely trust ANYONE they get into a relationship with has been severely damaged. The person they love more than anyone else on Earth has taken their heart and RIPPED IT TO SHREDS by being so selfish. If the BS decides to divorce the WS, they have just lost their marriage. They have lost the security, the companionship, their life will never be the same, their dreams are GONE. If they decide to stay in their marriage, there are YEARS of work in store for rebuilding their trust and intimacy! In either case, through NO CHOICE OF THEIR OWN, the BS's life has been completely changed. Think about it. Put yourself in the position of the BS. Think about how you would feel!

 

The WS gets most of the anger, if you can't handle what you get as the OM/OW, you certainly could not handle what you get as the WS.

 

Very good post. Sorry but I don't feel bad for the OW at all who willingly go into an affair with a married man. Actually I'm pleased when I read that they have been ditched so the man (or woman) can go back to their marriage, especially when they knew full well that the person was married to begin with.

 

In my case the OW had it in her head that the whole thing was a competition. Well if that's the case then she's lost and now has to deal with it. Do I place the majority of my anger on her? Nope, not at first. Yes, I hate her with a passion considering she knew he was married, has been in my home and I was nice to her without knowing she had been after my husband for years (she was in my home before the affair actually started). Even with all of that I still didn't place even half of the blame on her although I can't stand the little witch. It wasn't until she continued to call and drive by even though he had told her it was over that I started blaming her just as much as my husband. She had been pursuing him for a very long time and wasn't about to give up now. Well because of that I now place 50% of the blame on her.

 

As for the "short end of the stick" LMAO! Any woman that willingly jumps in the sack with a married man deserves nothing but heartache and sorrow when the affair ends. She also deserves anything the wife has to say to her. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it..........alone.

[mopar crazy]

I don't need to read your whole thread to know that you have gotten great advice.

 

As for me, I did put a lot of the blame on the OW, and I did confront her and did tell her to stay the f@ck away from him. She was the one that pursued my WH, for three years. Our M was rocking towards the time of the A and she knew it and took advantage of it. My H did file for a D. I guess once I was gone and it was just the OW he woke up and realized he was being stupid. The OW didn't give a crap if he was M. She even admitted she doesn't care if a man is M or not. I highly doubt she was even hurt by the break up b/c she moved onto a new man a week later. But, deep down I do hope she was hurting when WH broke it off w/ her. She deserved to be hurt. She knew he was M but chose to pursue him anyhow.

[Mino]

amazing, I am seeing BS acting like ther husbands are little boys who don't know any better. Its all the bad ow fault. Hey everybody, your husband is a grown man, who knows right from wrong. He is a master manipulator, lying to his wife and ow. He is usually the one who pursues first, hooks the ow in. He broke his marriage vows to you, yes he chose to this, ow didn't have to bend his arm. Ohhh but I get it, he is just a man, can't help it can he.so lets blame ow because he cheated and she believed him . Take a better look at your husbands, he is not inocent like you want to think. Even after you find out, they show up at ow doorstep, crying....... Master manipulators, that is what they are

[mopar crazy]

amazing, I am seeing BS acting like ther husbands are little boys who don't know any better. Its all the bad ow fault. Hey everybody, your husband is a grown man, who knows right from wrong. He is a master manipulator, lying to his wife and ow. He is usually the one who pursues first, hooks the ow in. He broke his marriage vows to you, yes he chose to this, ow didn't have to bend his arm. Ohhh but I get it, he is just a man, can't help it can he.so lets blame ow because he cheated and she believed him . Take a better look at your husbands, he is not inocent like you want to think. Even after you find out, they show up at ow doorstep, crying....... Master manipulators, that is what they are

 

Oh, believe me, I know it's not ALL the OW's fault, H could have, and should have said no. And believe me, when we decided to R he sat there and listened to me ask him all sorts of ?, and bitched at him. There was nothing he could do. He f@cked up and he knew it. He didn't say a word the first time I laid into him about his A.

 

The whole time I had contact w/ OW I ragged her out one time and that was only w/ six words! My WH got it A LOT worse!

 

My WH did not lie to the OW about his martial status. She knew me, we even spoke several times and even hung out prior to their A.

[lonelybird]

I wonder OW/OM can really sleep well when they hurt others so deeply? or they don't care about others at all? or some other reason

[NoIDidn't]

amazing, I am seeing BS acting like ther husbands are little boys who don't know any better. Its all the bad ow fault. Hey everybody, your husband is a grown man, who knows right from wrong. He is a master manipulator, lying to his wife and ow. He is usually the one who pursues first, hooks the ow in. He broke his marriage vows to you, yes he chose to this, ow didn't have to bend his arm. Ohhh but I get it, he is just a man, can't help it can he.so lets blame ow because he cheated and she believed him . Take a better look at your husbands, he is not inocent like you want to think. Even after you find out, they show up at ow doorstep, crying....... Master manipulators, that is what they are

 

This is not always the case. My H didn't even know where the OW lived as the EA hadn't been going for that long by the time I found out.

 

I don't think that anyone here has said that they are letting their H off the hook, so I never understand how that is all an OW sees. No one bad talks their H publicly unless they hate them. A BW doesn't love the OW, has no ties to her in most instances, and usually hates her guts for helping her H cheat on her.

 

But what I have noticed is that when the OW is on her way to being the exOW that wonderful MM of hers becomes that lousy cheating H of the W's. Its like they disown on him because they found out that the same man that was lying to his W was also lying to them.

 

Its okay that he lied to the W. He doesn't love or want to be with her anyway? Is that the thinking? But then he is the scum of the earth when he lies to the OW.

 

Its true that the person that the betrayed is most angry with is the person that betrayed them directly. But that doesn't mean that any accomplices get off scot-free. The accomplice is just as guilty as the perpetrator, unless they have a mental defect and honestly don't know right from wrong.

[Ladyjane14]

amazing, I am seeing BS acting like ther husbands are little boys who don't know any better. Its all the bad ow fault.

 

Amazing. I am seeing OW acting like they don't have ownership of the choices they make. As if the mean, bad MM had dragged these poor innocents off by their hair, caveman style.

 

THAT is the problem married women have with OWs. The OW does have a choice concerning her own honor and her own integrity. She has a choice from the very moment when she knows a man is married to either entertain his "lies" and abet him in adultery or to walk away. She chooses.... and it's her choice that earns our disdain.

 

 

 

( IWWH)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Master manipulators, that is what they are

 

No, NO, NO!!! They are men who are acting as little boys. YOU actually think that the Bs wouldn't walk away in your shoes, she has more to consider than her FEELINGS, which, correct me if I'm wrong, was what started this. How's that working???????

[luvstarved]

Well, a long time ago I got involved with a MM in a shaky marriage (he and his wife did eventually divorce but it had nothing to do with me specifically).

I was young and stupid and just went for it because I wanted to. Totally selfish.

 

Part of my rationalization was that I was not breaking any vows or promises so it wasn't on ME! It was HIS responsibility. I actually do still harbor that belief, although I find it very morally objectionable to think about doing anything like that now. But really, it is different for everyone...if she pursued HIM I would be more inclined to put blame on her on those moral grounds, if he pursued then I think he is WAY more than 50% responsible.

 

But if my H betrayed me like that, I would be pissed with the woman for stirring up trouble and her lack of morals, but WAY less so than the H because HE is the one who took the vows.

[norajane]

if she pursued HIM I would be more inclined to put blame on her on those moral grounds, if he pursued then I think he is WAY more than 50% responsible.

 

I don't find this argument at all persuasive. Even if he did the pursuing, she still made a choice. It's not like she's helpless or without a mind and just goes along with wherever a man might choose to lead her.

 

Men pursue women all the time. We don't get involved with all of them, even if we might like them. There's always a choice made.

 

HE, of course, is always to blame. And so is the OW who knows he's married. Neither can escape responsibility or blame for their actions. Each is 100% responsible for their choices.

[Melissa277]

But what I have noticed is that when the OW is on her way to being the exOW that wonderful MM of hers becomes that lousy cheating H of the W's. Its like they disown on him because they found out that the same man that was lying to his W was also lying to them.

 

Its okay that he lied to the W. He doesn't love or want to be with her anyway? Is that the thinking? But then he is the scum of the earth when he lies to the OW.

 

Yeah exactly ... it absolutely kills me that when the W decides to give the marriage another chance (usually after CH has begged and pleaded for forgiveness, etc.), the OW considers her to be a loser or pathetic and afraid or all the other moronic reasons they use to make themselves feel better because "their" MM decided he wants to end the A and stay with his W.

 

One can only imagine how they'd feel if he chose them ... like they're in seventh freakin heaven! They'd pat themselves on the back about what a wonderful soulmate, lover, he loves me like no other ... "gem" they finally have, but the W is a pathetic idiot for taking that same lying, cheating, *sshole "gem" back.

 

Funny how the worm turns.

[mountain girl]

One can only imagine how they'd feel if he chose them ... like they're in seventh freakin heaven! They'd pat themselves on the back about what a wonderful soulmate, lover, he loves me like no other ... "gem" they finally have.....

 

And the EA-OW (26 yrs old) would wake up one day (just like I did) to a gray-haired, mid-life-crisis-self-centered-me-me-me-so-forgetful-man and be having for fork out $10 a-little-blue-pill and wonder...what did I get myself into here? I'm too young to have settled for THIS!

 

Too late chicky poo. He's all yours.

 

Just my little fantasy.

[silktricks]

(usually after CH has begged and pleaded for forgiveness, etc.

 

So I've been trying to figure out what CH means and I've come up with the following:

 

chastened husband

changed husband

castrated husband

castrated heel

coddled hubby

carrot head

cremated husband

:laugh::laugh:

 

so what is it supposed to mean???

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LOL, SilkTricks, you doubled up on the castrated!! Now thats Freudian! I thought it meant cheating! :lmao::lmao:

[silktricks]

LOL, SilkTricks, you doubled up on the castrated!! Now thats Freudian! I thought it meant cheating! :lmao::lmao:

 

(I know I did, but once was a heel and once was a husband, I couldn't make up my mind. . . )

 

Cheating!! Oh of course!!! (slaps upside my head) - how dumb can I be???

[IfWishesWereHorses]

NO, in that fantasy she wake up to a bald, stinky, incontinent, senile, old coot who can't even remeber her name. She can change his diapers and feed him with a spoon! When she says "Hey baby" she'll maybe she'll realize the irony!!! My twist on the fantasy!

[Mino]

Yeah exactly ... it absolutely kills me that when the W decides to give the marriage another chance (usually after CH has begged and pleaded for forgiveness, etc.), the OW considers her to be a loser or pathetic and afraid or all the other moronic reasons they use to make themselves feel better because "their" MM decided he wants to end the A and stay with his W.

 

One can only imagine how they'd feel if he chose them ... like they're in seventh freakin heaven! They'd pat themselves on the back about what a wonderful soulmate, lover, he loves me like no other ... "gem" they finally have, but the W is a pathetic idiot for taking that same lying, cheating, *sshole "gem" back.

 

Funny how the worm turns.

wonder why they come back???? Have you heard it cheaper to keep her?? Ow only wonder why BS would take him back.... I could not imagine staying in a relationship just because. .....

[mountain girl]

NO, in that fantasy she wake up to a bald, stinky, incontinent, senile, old coot who can't even remeber her name. She can change his diapers and feed him with a spoon! When she says "Hey baby" she'll maybe she'll realize the irony!!! My twist on the fantasy!

 

Works for me.

[Trimmer]

It was my stupid mouth. We were talking about so many different things and I told her that I might end up just showing her this website where I post about all my problems dealing with him (because she wanted to know the WHOLE story and I only told her some, but I wrote a lot of what happened here) if I found out that his feelings were truly ingenuine. I NEVER told her what the site was and I wasn't going to show her unless I was done with him FOREVER..... but she did some research, I guess and somehow found out. I should have never said ANYTHING.

I wonder if this wasn't something subconscious going on here. Some people have "exit affairs" to bring things to a head and hasten the end of a relationship that they can't walk away from under their own power. Maybe you did this (after all, why would you take such a chance?) to put a match to the fuel pile, and bring about the end of your affair - maybe something you knew needed to happen eventually anyway - although you couldn't bring yourself to do it directly...

 

See, the thing is, why didn't you end it and take full control. Make your own closure and say to yourself, this guy is still with his wife and he isn't leaving so maybe it would be best for me to move on and forget about him. Especially after 2 years! You're giving him TOO much power and control over you and your life. You should have told him it's over and goodbye for good.

 

I hope one day soon you find the strength to tell him goodbye, because this MM is nothing but trouble.

Whether she knew it or not, that may be just what she did by revealing her postings to the wife...

 

When I found out my anger was directed at the ex, not her F*** Buddy. I merely felt contempt for him. Actually, he was beneath contempt.

I've always felt that OW/OM are deserving of the contempt they receive from the betrayed party. With the exception of serial cheaters, the cheating partner usually has at least has some kind of beef with their spouse. The "other person" more times than not, doesn't even know them. And yet, they aid and abet a strike at the betrayed's very heart.

I agree with Curm and LJ on the contempt. Certainly I started out with some anger towards the OM, but lots more towards my WW. In time, I came to realize that the state of our marriage, and its outcome, was on our shoulders only - hers and mine - and not his. Now I do still maintain a steady degree of contempt for his behavior and his choices, but the end of our marriage was not his responsibilty.

 

Well, a long time ago I got involved with a MM in a shaky marriage.... Part of my rationalization was that I was not breaking any vows or promises so it wasn't on ME! It was HIS responsibility. I actually do still harbor that belief, although I find it very morally objectionable to think about doing anything like that now.

I have stated this opinion in other threads... I believe that a marriage is not just a compact between two people, but also a public declaration of intent, on which society puts a "do not touch" sign. So indeed, although you are correct that you are not a party to the vows, I still believe you are responsible to society to leave a marriage alone. You may not be directly responsible for the state of things within the marriage, but you should know well enough to leave it alone, and this is a responsiblity that we all bear as a part our community and social expectations. If that's what you allude to when you say "morally objectionable", then I agree.

 

NO, in that fantasy she wake up to a bald, stinky, incontinent, senile, old coot who can't even remeber her name. She can change his diapers and feed him with a spoon! When she says "Hey baby" she'll maybe she'll realize the irony!!! My twist on the fantasy!

Another "CH" possibility: "Crappy Husband"

[IWALH]

I wonder if this wasn't something subconscious going on here. Some people have "exit affairs" to bring things to a head and hasten the end of a relationship that they can't walk away from under their own power. Maybe you did this (after all, why would you take such a chance?) to put a match to the fuel pile, and bring about the end of your affair - maybe something you knew needed to happen eventually anyway - although you couldn't bring yourself to do it directly...

 

 

 

 

Perhaps...

 

Whether she knew it or not, that may be just what she did by revealing her postings to the wife...

 

Yep.