Misplaced Anger.

[IWALH]

Why is it that when finding out details of an A so many BW's lash out on the OW and completely try to tear her apart when their husband is the one to put most of the blame on? Most OW are not as malicious as the BW's make them out to be. They might not have made the best choices but it was their husbands who stepped out of the marriage!!! So why put so much of the blame on the OW when the H is at least 80% responsible for everything, most of the time? I just don't get it....

 

On a semi-related note, why do the MM get so angry at the OW when the W finds out details of an A?? If they really wanted out of the M and were going to get a D anyway, then WTF does it MATTER?!?!!?!

 

OW always get the short end of the stick.... always.....

[Enema]

I'm with you.

 

Let's all feel sorry for those poor victimized OW.

 

They're so innocent, but get blamed!

[IWALH]

I'm with you.

 

Let's all feel sorry for those poor victimized OW.

 

They're so innocent, but get blamed!

 

 

I never once said they were innocent. They obviously aren't. But the lines that the H/MM feeds the OW and the promises are enough to make a woman do things she never imagined she would ever do...

 

I'm not saying they don't deserve to be torn a new one.... I am just wondering why most of the anger is being placed on her rather than their unfaithful spouse.

[Italiana]

Because its easier to do so...

 

And they are still in love with their husbands...

 

The BS feels that we chased after their husbands when it is really quite the opposite.

 

Its easy for us to be the bad guy b/c they are hoping thier husbands had a moment of weakness and will come back to them.

 

If they beat us up enough we will go away

 

the problem in thier marraige may not

 

If we are gone it is only clearing the way for another OW because it really wasn't our fault at all to begin with.

[dbtmarley]

I have a friend who caught his wife cheating and when he confronted the OM the guy told him that he knew nothing of the marriage. The guy even cried because he loved my friend's wife and had just found out the truth. Needless to say my friend still beat his ass.. just a projection of anger I think.

[serial muse]

Honestly, I see this question on these boards a lot, but I think it’s a distortion of what most BS feel. It’s true, many BS have anger at the OW, and there are some – some, but by no means all – that hurl cruel invectives at OW. Similarly, there are a few OW who say that the BS is only with her husband for her money, neglects him, doesn’t care about him, pays attention only to the children, is a royal bxtch – also quite cruel and quite far from the truth, it should be pointed out.

 

My point is, nearly all BS that I’ve seen post here do not only blame the OW, or even place the lion’s share of the blame there. Yes, they do place some blame there – which, as you’ve acknowledged, is actually fair – but because even a little of that emotion is still going to be intense, that intensity of feeling is read by OW on the receiving end as them getting all the blame. But no. There’s plenty of intensity and hurt and anger to go around, and believe me, most OW aren’t getting the half of it. BS know to blame their husbands. Yes, they do. Yes, you're going to get the spillover. That doesn't mean he isn't getting reamed out ten times more. You see?

 

I agree with you, IWALH, that you are getting the short end of the stick – for the MM to blame you is really too much. He is not assuming proper responsibility and is therefore shoving it off onto you. But don’t you see how posting a thread of anger at BS is really you misplacing your anger, too?? Why aren’t you angry at him? Why not rail against him, the one who’s really at fault here???

[Art_Critic]

OW always get the short end of the stick.... always.....

 

Well Duh !!..

 

The MM isn't about making your life nice and neat.. is he ?.. He is all about giving someone in his life the short end of the stick.. either you or his wife and kids...

[Tomcat33]

Because it enambles forgiveness. When you blame the other woman for "stealing" your H away, you can justify forgiving what he did to you since he had no say in the being "stolen away" part.

 

Granted in some cases the OW is relentelss and will not take no for an answer and intrudes in the life of the man and his family once has put an end to the rel. but in other cases there is none of that, it's the man doing most the pursuing.

[IWALH]

But don’t you see how posting a thread of anger at BS is really you misplacing your anger, too?? Why aren’t you angry at him? Why not rail against him, the one who’s really at fault here???

 

I didn't mean for my post to sound like I was angry at BS at all! I truly feel so so so so horrible for what they go through. I just, personally, got a pretty vicious email last night from my MM's wife after she found this website and figured out who I was. The story is long and complicated and while I did deserve some of the things she said, some of them were just outright cruel. I noticed that BS seem to do that a lot, though. So I was wondering why. I'm not angry at him because he has made me feel like I f*cked up his plan and now everyone is getting hurt because of ME. And she is making me feel the same way.

 

I'm not even sure how I feel about everything right now....

[luvmy2ns]

Partners in crime. Simple as that.

 

Being fed lies and promises does not exonerate a woman or man who willingly sneaks around with someone who is already married.

 

However, I loved Tomcat's post, and I'm sure she's right on in some cases. Some people must find someone else to blame so they can justify hanging on to their pathetic life with their cheating spouse.

[Melissa277]

Why is it that when finding out details of an A so many BW's lash out on the OW and completely try to tear her apart when their husband is the one to put most of the blame on? Most OW are not as malicious as the BW's make them out to be. They might not have made the best choices but it was their husbands who stepped out of the marriage!!! So why put so much of the blame on the OW when the H is at least 80% responsible for everything, most of the time? I just don't get it....

 

On a semi-related note, why do the MM get so angry at the OW when the W finds out details of an A?? If they really wanted out of the M and were going to get a D anyway, then WTF does it MATTER?!?!!?!

 

OW always get the short end of the stick.... always.....

 

Because unless you didn't know he was married, you chose to sleep with someone else's husband. YOU CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. You could have said no. But YOU CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. And FYI, most OW are as malicious as "we" make them out to be. I mean, which part of "it's over" don't you people understand? And don't for one minute think the WS's life is all peachy keen ... IF he's LUCKY enough to have another chance at his marriage. Believe you me, I have made my WH's life a living hell since we reconciled.

 

And just for sh*ts and giggles I am compelled to ask, why the freak do you care what the BW thinks about you? I mean you didn't care when you were sleeping with her husband. Exactly what kind of behavior would be acceptable to you? Now I just don't get it ...

 

And as far as you getting the short end of the stick? OMG. You sound angry. You sound betrayed. You sound like you've been lied to. Sucks doesn't it? Maybe you should change your name to IWNHH (I Will Never Have Him).

 

Just my opinion though.

[mountain girl]

Because unless you didn't know he was married, you chose to sleep with someone else's husband. YOU CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. You could have said no. But YOU CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. And FYI, most OW are as malicious as "we" make them out to be. I mean, which part of "it's over" don't you people understand? And don't for one minute think the WS's life is all peachy keen ... IF he's LUCKY enough to have another chance at his marriage. Believe you me, I have made my WH's life a living hell since we reconciled.

 

And just for sh*ts and giggles I am compelled to ask, why the freak do you care what the BW thinks about you? I mean you didn't care when you were sleeping with her husband. Exactly what kind of behavior would be acceptable to you? Now I just don't get it ...

 

And as far as you getting the short end of the stick? OMG. You sound angry. You sound betrayed. You sound like you've been lied to. Sucks doesn't it? Maybe you should change your name to IWNHH (I Will Never Have Him).

 

Just my opinion though.

 

 

Right on.

[Curmudgeon]

Why is it that when finding out details of an A so many BW's lash out on the OW and completely try to tear her apart when their husband is the one to put most of the blame on? Most OW are not as malicious as the BW's make them out to be. They might not have made the best choices but it was their husbands who stepped out of the marriage!!! So why put so much of the blame on the OW when the H is at least 80% responsible for everything, most of the time? I just don't get it....

 

On a semi-related note, why do the MM get so angry at the OW when the W finds out details of an A?? If they really wanted out of the M and were going to get a D anyway, then WTF does it MATTER?!?!!?!

 

OW always get the short end of the stick.... always.....

 

What a pity party!

 

First of all, if the OW is a willing and knowing participant in the MM's affair with her then she's 50% to blame. He's not 80% to blame.

 

Why do the MM get so angry with the OW when she tells the wife details? Simple! because the MM never had any intention of leaving his wife and family. He just wanted some on the side and lied to the OW about his intentions. Big surprise for someone who was living a lie with his wife and family. Let's face it, he has no values or integrity to begin with. Why would you expect anything else of him?

 

OW may get the short end of the stick but the wife's end is even shorter. She has much more difficult decisions to be made and she, not the OW. is the one who's been the most betrayed.

 

I'm a former betrayed spouse. When I found out my anger was directed at the ex, not her F*** Buddy. I merely felt contempt for him. Actually, he was beneath contempt. You will note I referred to the woman as "the ex." I divorced her!

[whichwayisup]

I just, personally, got a pretty vicious email last night from my MM's wife after she found this website and figured out who I was

 

The thing is, how did she find out you posting on LS? Does he know you post here? And if so, did he tell her?

[IWALH]

Because unless you didn't know he was married, you chose to sleep with someone else's husband. YOU CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. You could have said no. But YOU CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. And FYI, most OW are as malicious as "we" make them out to be. I mean, which part of "it's over" don't you people understand? And don't for one minute think the WS's life is all peachy keen ... IF he's LUCKY enough to have another chance at his marriage. Believe you me, I have made my WH's life a living hell since we reconciled.

 

And just for sh*ts and giggles I am compelled to ask, why the freak do you care what the BW thinks about you? I mean you didn't care when you were sleeping with her husband. Exactly what kind of behavior would be acceptable to you? Now I just don't get it ...

 

And as far as you getting the short end of the stick? OMG. You sound angry. You sound betrayed. You sound like you've been lied to. Sucks doesn't it? Maybe you should change your name to IWNHH (I Will Never Have Him).

 

Just my opinion though.

 

I'm not going to disagree with you.

 

I would like to say one thing. He has NEVER EVER EVER said to me "it's over." So asking me what it is I don't understand about that makes no sense. After I initially told him it was over and moved across the country to get away from him he kept sending random messages to me asking me why I didn't just trust him, etc. If he did tell me it was over, I would have respected that and it would have given me the closure I needed to get over him. But he never did and consequently I never got over him.

[IWALH]

The thing is, how did she find out you posting on LS? Does he know you post here? And if so, did he tell her?

 

 

It was my stupid mouth. We were talking about so many different things and I told her that I might end up just showing her this website where I post about all my problems dealing with him (because she wanted to know the WHOLE story and I only told her some, but I wrote a lot of what happened here) if I found out that his feelings were truly ingenuine. I NEVER told her what the site was and I wasn't going to show her unless I was done with him FOREVER..... but she did some research, I guess and somehow found out. I should have never said ANYTHING.

[IWALH]

 

First of all, if the OW is a willing and knowing participant in the MM's affair with her then she's 50% to blame. He's not 80% to blame.

 

OW may get the short end of the stick but the wife's end is even shorter. She has much more difficult decisions to be made and she, not the OW. is the one who's been the most betrayed.

 

 

 

You are very right on both statements.... I am 50% to blame... I just feel like I've really been played so I do feel a little like a victim..... And she is the one that has been most betrayed...

[whichwayisup]

I would like to say one thing. He has NEVER EVER EVER said to me "it's over." So asking me what it is I don't understand about that makes no sense. After I initially told him it was over and moved across the country to get away from him he kept sending random messages to me asking me why I didn't just trust him, etc. If he did tell me it was over, I would have respected that and it would have given me the closure I needed to get over him. But he never did and consequently I never got over him.

 

See, the thing is, why didn't you end it and take full control. Make your own closure and say to yourself, this guy is still with his wife and he isn't leaving so maybe it would be best for me to move on and forget about him. Especially after 2 years! You're giving him TOO much power and control over you and your life. You should have told him it's over and goodbye for good.

 

I hope one day soon you find the strength to tell him goodbye, because this MM is nothing but trouble.

[whichwayisup]

It was my stupid mouth. We were talking about so many different things and I told her that I might end up just showing her this website where I post about all my problems dealing with him (because she wanted to know the WHOLE story and I only told her some, but I wrote a lot of what happened here) if I found out that his feelings were truly ingenuine. I NEVER told her what the site was and I wasn't going to show her unless I was done with him FOREVER..... but she did some research, I guess and somehow found out. I should have never said ANYTHING.

 

Even if his feelings are genuine, the bottomline is, he has a wife already and children with her. He may love and care about you, and even though he's cheating on his wife, leaving her and all that they share together is stronger than what you have with him. It's alot to give up for the unknown and honestly, I bet he isn't willing to take the chance to change his life so drastically and possibly ending up alone if things don't work out with you and him in the future. I hope that makes sense to you.

 

Anyway, I think maybe (I said this earlier) it's a good thing she's reading here. Now she gets to see what he has said to you, how he's led you on. It won't be easy on her, and I feel sad that she may have to read things that she wasn't expecting to read, but the truth is much better than all the lies and hidden secrets in the past while.

[norajane]

I didn't mean for my post to sound like I was angry at BS at all! I truly feel so so so so horrible for what they go through. I just, personally, got a pretty vicious email last night from my MM's wife after she found this website and figured out who I was. The story is long and complicated and while I did deserve some of the things she said, some of them were just outright cruel. I noticed that BS seem to do that a lot, though. So I was wondering why. I'm not angry at him because he has made me feel like I f*cked up his plan and now everyone is getting hurt because of ME. And she is making me feel the same way.

 

I'm not even sure how I feel about everything right now....

 

Read through your threads and try to put yourself in her shoes - as she might read them, discovering details about you and her H she never knew.

 

Remember your thread about having sex with him while his W and children were sleeping in the next room? Can you honestly read that thread and be unable to understand why you might get some venom from his W?

[serial muse]

Read through your threads and try to put yourself in her shoes - as she might read them, discovering details about you and her H she never knew.

 

Remember your thread about having sex with him while his W and children were sleeping in the next room? Can you honestly read that thread and be unable to understand why you might get some venom from his W?

 

True. That one got me too, and my exH’s affair is long since over.

 

I think that many OP have difficulty understanding the shock of discovery for the BS, because the OP is used to living with this guilty secret, and often assumes that the BS must also know, and therefore must be giving tacit consent to what’s been going on. I would think that the deep, intense anger that s/he sees when the affair is finally out in the open would demonstrate how wrong that assumption is...but the assumption seems to persist still.

 

Regardless...it's a useful exercise, to try to read through your story as though you were the BS, and see it through her eyes. There is a LOT to cause fury, and not just with the MM. I don't discount your pain, IWALH, but you did contribute to this mess, as you have already acknowledged.

 

The thing is, you also have the power to free yourself of itnow; you just have to muster up the will. A large part of that might come from reading through your own story as though you were a stranger, and seeing what you think of this man then. The fact that you still accept the blame that he's handing out is infuriating. Yes, you did things you aren't proud of, and shouldn't be. But he has done far worse, and has the gall to pretend he hasn't.

 

He shouldn't be getting carte blanche here. I hope she, at least, is giving him hell. I wish you were too.

[silktricks]

The point is that the OW in almost all cases knew the man was indeed a married man. The fact that we are angry with our husbands does not in any way reduce the amount of anger we also have at the OW. The people on LS often do not see the anger that we express towards our husbands after D-Day, there is no reason to post that here. Usually, though, we have no way to express our anger towards the OW. That anger, unless it is displaced onto our husbands gets discharged here on LS.

 

In my case the OW well knew that my husband was married. I found out from other people how she pursued him, (not my husband, who wouldn't recognize if he was being pursued, and feels so fu*kin' guilty about everything that he wouldn't say it anyway) not the other way 'round. I read e-mails that she sent him and that he sent her. I know who pursued whom in their little "thing".

 

I know from my own experience how she called our house over and over and over and over, for over a year after he told her he didn't want anymore communication with her.

 

She must have known someone at our cell provider who gave her what they thought was my H's cell phone, because she called MY CELL NUMBER trying to reach him - again after he told her it was over. (our cell provider had our records confused, and on their records my name was on his number and his name was on my number).

 

I know who drove up and down our street, staring at our house and at me.

 

I know who almost drove over me at the grocery store.

 

Jeez, you want me to feel sorry for the woman? Are you out of your friggin' mind????? If I heard she was dead, I may feel a twinge of sorry, but I could also dance a jig. It would depend on my state of mind at the moment.

 

The real killer here, is that I did feel sorry for her when he first told me about it. I was just coming back to him after we had been separated, and he said he needed to come clean with me. I purchased a very nice gift for him to give her and told him to take his time about breaking it off. To do what felt right. She couldn't/wouldn't believe that he'd really not want her instead of me. (She's the one who acted like it was a competition, not me) and she made our lives miserable for well over a year. My feelings towards her moved from feeling bad for her to downright hate.

 

In fact, it was her continued actions - continued e-mail, continued phone calls after he said it was over, that completely upheld what the other people had told me. She was positive at the outset that she could "get" him. She didn't give half a hoot that he was married. She wanted him. (My husband hadn't let ANYONE know that we were separated, as he was very ashamed of the fact that I had left. In fact, he didn't even let her know when they were having their little A!!!!)

 

Did my feelings toward her dilute my anger at him for what he did? Not a particle. In fact in some ways it made me even angrier that he could be so unutterably stupid not to see what was going on. But my anger towards him has been pretty much washed away over the past three years by our working out our problems, and his utter sorrow over his actions.

 

My anger at her diminishes - and most of the time she never even crosses my mind, but I read a post such as this one, that puts 80% of the blame on the man, and I just go through the roof. The men get the blame they earn, but the OW get the blame they earn, too.

[Melissa277]

I'm not going to disagree with you.

 

I would like to say one thing. He has NEVER EVER EVER said to me "it's over." So asking me what it is I don't understand about that makes no sense. After I initially told him it was over and moved across the country to get away from him he kept sending random messages to me asking me why I didn't just trust him, etc. If he did tell me it was over, I would have respected that and it would have given me the closure I needed to get over him. But he never did and consequently I never got over him.

 

So what do you want me to say? He's a liar and a cheater. He wants to know why didn't you just trust him? He's MARRIED and sleeping with you. Why would you ever trust him?

 

And, actually, he has told you it was over, maybe not in those words, but in his actions. Has he filed for D? Has he moved out of the home? Has he done anything other than send "random" messages to make you think that he's NOT still MARRIED? His W knows, right? Can you imagine what he's saying to her? C'mon now. It's time for a reality check here.

If he was really that into you, he'd leave.

 

Again, just for sh*ts and giggles, why don't you tell him not to contact you again until he has filed for a divorce? And this time, mean it. I'm pretty sure you'll get the "closure" you're looking for.

 

You sound like a decent person. Maybe it's time you took charge of your life ... stop letting this poor excuse for a human being dictate every move you make every minute of every day.

[Melissa277]

Partners in crime. Simple as that.

 

Some people must find someone else to blame so they can justify hanging on to their pathetic life with their cheating spouse.

 

Really? Pathetic life with their cheating spouse? How 'bout the OW who sits at home 24/7 waiting for the phone to ring ... spends weekends and holidays alone pining for some jerk who isn't coming ... finally gets a couple of hours with the MM she "loves" and has to spend the entire time on her back in the "sack?" Or the oldies but goodies ... driving by the MM's house at all hours of the day and night. Calling, emailing, and texting him non-stop? Spilling her guts to the innocent spouse when MM refuses to leave the marriage. Getting him fired from his job when she knows it's over. And let's not forget lies, lies, and more lies.

 

That's not pathetic?

[Lynna]

Oh believe me, the OM/OW does NOT get all of the anger. Oh no, there is a BOATLOAD the size of the Titanic of anger directed just at the WS, WAY more than is directed at the OM/OW.

 

Believe me, when the WS, the one person you trust more than anyone else in the world, the person who stood up before the world and promised to love, honor, and protect you, the BS, forsaking all others, etc, etc, turns around and sleeps with another person, repeatedly usually, and tells that other person personal things about you and your marriage that NO ONE else knows except your spouse, when they betray you like that there is PLENTY of anger to go around to both parties who CHOSE to do the betraying.

 

Unless the WS is able to lie enough and convince the OM/OW that he/she is single, the OM/OW consciously enters into an affair witha a married person!!! I don't care how many promises the WS makes to the OM/OW about how they are going to get a divorce, they are really unhappy in their marriage, etc, etc, that OM/OW CHOSE to start sleeping with a married person. If they are really going to get a divorce keep your pants on and let that happen FIRST. That is the moral and honorable thing to do. If you jump into an affair, knowingly then you SHARE some of the responsibility, period!

 

And there is NO WAY that the OM/OW is getting the short end of the stick. For the BS their life has just been unalterably changed! Their ability to completely trust ANYONE they get into a relationship with has been severely damaged. The person they love more than anyone else on Earth has taken their heart and RIPPED IT TO SHREDS by being so selfish. If the BS decides to divorce the WS, they have just lost their marriage. They have lost the security, the companionship, their life will never be the same, their dreams are GONE. If they decide to stay in their marriage, there are YEARS of work in store for rebuilding their trust and intimacy! In either case, through NO CHOICE OF THEIR OWN, the BS's life has been completely changed. Think about it. Put yourself in the position of the BS. Think about how you would feel!

 

The WS gets most of the anger, if you can't handle what you get as the OM/OW, you certainly could not handle what you get as the WS.