kali420 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I was in a short relationship. It only lasted six months. Four in her mind. I was involved with an older woman. She was eleven years older than me. I fell for her. She didn't feel the same. I loved her, but I didn't tell her. I have been wondering if I had told her that I loved her, if that would've made a difference. In the end, I knew we weren't meant to be. I was probably in love with the idea of being in love. But, for some reason I couldn't let go. She wanted to be friends. She went about it in all the right ways. I just didn't want to accept it. I felt rejected, unloved, and unwanted. We worked together. So after the breakup I had a false hope she would come back to me. Mistook the friendship she was offering me. I told her how I missed her. She just brushed it off like it didn't bother her. Gave no explanation. As I read in most of the threads posted on here, that gives her more validation that she had made the right decision. Seeing that I was desperatley trying to get back with her. In my mind it wasn't that long ago she broke up with me. Due to the fact that I was in false hope of reconscliation. But, the real time (nine months), suggested to me that I'm a loser for not getting over it over that period of time. Well, she moved on, hooked up with an old co-worker. I am glad that I left that job when I did. I don't know how I could have gone on working there knowing she hooked up with him. I couldn't imagine what I would've done to myslef. I have been drinking like a maniac. I was drinking like a maniac when she dumped me. Drinking like a maniac now. Almost even considering the unthinkable. Maybe in my head I thought she would pity me and come back to me seeing as how I would kill myslef over this. I have done so much damage to myself. I kind of feel guilty not being happy for her. I mean, I always wanted her to be happy. We ddin't end on a bad note. I was just totally heart broken. And there was no one in my way but myself. Most of my friends (now thinking to myself, just acquaintences) work with her still. My insecurites just opened up like a bee hive that some kid was messing with. What kind of smack was she talking about me? What were my supposed friends thinking and talking about me? What is wrong with me? Was I bad in bed? Did she lose attraction for me? What was it? Her response was that it was just over. In our confrontation, I explained that her new boyfriend, was all the reasons she broke up with me. i.e. Closer in age to her son as to her. She saw no future with me. Her new boyfriend is even closer in age to her son. And I can't see that she sees a future with this guy. The only conclusion I could see, was that she just wanted to sleep with him. That just makes me feel so depressed. She always had those little comments that would come back to haunt me. When I gave her my spiel about why I felt crappy. i.e. all the contradictive reasons she broke up with me and hooked up with this guy...she said, "that was eight months ago". I just didn't know what to think. I drank, and drank. Read thread after therad, and, posted and posted some more... Talked with family and my ture friends. I heard mostly, "she doesn't deserve you", "youre a gerat guy". Things of that nature. My self esteeem, self image, career state, all has something to with it. I can mostly pin-point the problems. Getting over them is something different. "Just let it go!", I hear all the time. Easier said than done in my mind. Will I ever be loved agian? Will I ever love? I know this is long. For those who have read the whole way through...thank you. I have no clue what I need. I have no clue what i have to do. Honestly, this is the worst that I have ever felt in my life. Feeling that I can't make new friends. I can't be independent. I can't hold a relationship. What is wrong with me? Am I a loser? Do poeple really thinkg about me, what I think about myslef? (if that makes sense?) I've been praying. Going into church before I go into work. I just really don't know anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't what I want in life. I have no clue of my future. I really don't know. I am a really lost sould right now. I need a miracle. I need...
tommycapnpants Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 hey brother i feel you. i had a horrible break up once and it turned my life into 4 years of a drunken stupor. i admit i had many good times. but, i have learned that turning to the booze is no cure. help yourself by not drinking. go to the gym or start surfing or something. that will make you feel better. i am sorry youre going through this right now. i am, myself going through a break up. . .and it hurts like nothing i have ever felt before. sometimes, its not even pain it is just emptiness. but, i know that turning to the drink will just make it worse. take care of yourself and then you can begin to care for others. . .or so i try to tell myself. keep your chin up
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