13 year age gap

[electric_sheep]

But that guy is not going to have the enthusiasm for life's adventures that a twenty something guy will have, and that you have. He will not have the energy either.

 

Ha! I can't let that one slide by.

 

 

Though I agree in terms of broad categorization, everyone is different and unique. I exercise religiously, and have since I was 20. The only 20 somethings that can keep up with me are the ones that are likewise athletes themselves.

 

And as for adventure, I admit I am not as over the top crazy as I was when I was 23, say, but really all that's happened is I've gone from being "scary" adventurous to "fun" adventurous. I'm still up for drinking a six pack and skinny dipping, then rushing home to shower and go out samba dancing till 2 in the morning... all on a work night! I just did it a couple of weeks ago in fact.

 

 

Anyway, my point isn't that she shouldn't be concerned with age, my point is simply that it's quite arbitrary whether she is or isn't. I can understand her hangup. I don't knock her for it (I have my own preconceptions). But it's very analogous to a girl that won't date men who are shorter than them, or a guy that won't date a heavy set woman. It is a preferance, born of some sort of preconcieved notion.

 

One cannot generalize all relationships of this type, as if they all fall into the same pattern and are perfectly predictable. That's like saying all blondes are ditzes. Or a Muslim and a Christian can never date.

[ConfusedButLoved]

Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Once you have reached adulthood the age thing isn't that big of an issue. Now if you were still in you're teens and some 30 something was hitting on you I'd definately say that's creepy, but you are both consenting adults. If you arn't going to date him, don't let it be just because of the differance in age, let it be because of his personality or because you are doing differant things in life that would keep you apart.

 

Now I will say this! Being married to a man 14 years my senior (I'm 23 he is 37) you are in differant stages of life and that can put a strain on a relationship. I think this is something that you should discuss with him instead of just assuming right off the bat it would never work. There are reasons why such an age differance would work really well and there are reasons why they wouldn't work at all and it won't always turn out just one way, but you'll never know unless you try.

 

And COME ON guys, why wouldn't a 30 something want to date a hott lil 20 yr old! Isn't that what you watch in you're porno!!?

[electric_sheep]

I have talked to him on the phone a few times in the last week and I love talking to him. I am thinking that I will hang out with him again sometime soon and see how that goes. Apparently there aren't many people who are weirded out by the age difference as I am.

 

I'm proud of you.

 

I wouldn't be so concerned with what other people think anyway. People can be idiots. Just think, they elected G. W. Bush two terms in a row. That has forever altered my faith that the public knows best.

[ConfusedButLoved]

Just think, they elected G. W. Bush two terms in a row. That has forever altered my faith that the public knows best.

 

Amen to that!!

[hotgurl]

I say just hang out with him some more if you want. age is just a number. what matters is if you guys click etc..

 

my BF of 6 years is 19 years older than I. He is 47 and I am 28. I totally works for us.

 

and he does not live an old man's life. He is very adventerous and active. we just work.

 

But we have the same life goals and were in the same place when we meet. ie. wanting to settle down get a house etc....

[electric_sheep]

my BF of 6 years is 19 years older than I. He is 47 and I am 28. I totally works for us.

 

Damn! 19 years!

 

And I thought 15 was an impressive spread.

 

BTW, Fanny mentions the different culture, different music, different memes, etc... We both actually think that's part of the excitement. Though, I am what they call a gruppy (an older person who dresses like a younger person, and is connected with the cool youth culture of the generation after him). I am more familiar with her generations music than she is.

 

The more distant you are from the typically parochial and judgemental middle class subburbs, the less odd you and other people will think the age gap is.

[Aloros]

I'd be more worried about what life stages you are at than the age difference. My friend is 24 and dating a 37 year-old, and they get along great. They both have jobs, nice places to live, etc. They are both looking to settle down.

 

At your point, you're still in school, planning to go to graduate school...and are you ready to settle down?

 

The age gap doesn't raise my eyebrows, but the fact that you are at two different stages of your lives does. Be careful. You could really end up breaking his heart.

[electric_sheep]

You could really end up breaking his heart.

 

True enough. Or the other way around. That's why honesty is so important. It's a little early to be worried about such things, though. They havn't even gone out on a date yet!

 

I think uncertainty is the one thing that's unavoidable in life though.

 

Also, never underestimate a males ability to postpone the "settling down" phase. Just because he is older doesn't mean he wants to settle down. I know woman have a biological clock ticking, but some men can lolly gag forever. Literally.

[Fanny]

Ha! I can't let that one slide by.

 

 

Though I agree in terms of broad categorization, everyone is different and unique. I exercise religiously, and have since I was 20. The only 20 somethings that can keep up with me are the ones that are likewise athletes themselves.

 

And as for adventure, I admit I am not as over the top crazy as I was when I was 23, say, but really all that's happened is I've gone from being "scary" adventurous to "fun" adventurous. I'm still up for drinking a six pack and skinny dipping, then rushing home to shower and go out samba dancing till 2 in the morning... all on a work night! I just did it a couple of weeks ago in fact.

<snip>

 

Of course you can outdo a little kid electric sheep. We stop growing and developing in our mid thirties and those young men haven't finished. Also their "scary adventurous" is part of the twenty something experience - something for a twenty something woman to share.

 

There is another issue though - Guys start experiencing male menopause in their fifties and having someone who is both moody and having trouble getting his equipment to perform properly mixed with a woman who is at her sexual prime (thirty something) can be an unfortunate match. When you are starting to shop for Depends electric sheep, do you want to be with someone that would eat gravel to see the young UPS guy naked? I'm guessing that would be a little unnerving for both people.

 

Look, I've obviously stepped on a few toes here. Clearly some people on this forum have made it work and that is great, but for each one of you I know a woman in her forties and fifties who is now tied to a failing senior and they regret their choice. Not only that but when their partner is gone they have a good three decades stretched out in front of them and pickins is slim when you are a senior chick.

[electric_sheep]

You do make some descent points. I'm not saying there will be no age related issues, it's quite possible there will be. Maybe they can overcome them, maybe not (viagra and other meds can help with sex and libido). If not, then it might be time to move on.

 

Implicit in your argument, though, is the assumption that they are both looking for a lifetime partner, and that may not even be the case. Not everyone enters into each relationship thinking it's going to be their last. Maybe they just want to learn and experience life right now, in which case there is no real reason to worry about 20 years down the road.

 

I don't know, sometimes the notion of spending my entire life with someone seems so abstract to me it's hard for me to get my head around.

 

When I'm 50, my girlfriend will be 35. Assuming we are still together... if I can't satifsy her sexually (and maybe I won't, who knows), maybe I'll just tell her to go after that UPS guy, and maybe I'll want to watch.

 

Maybe she'll fall in love with a younger man, someone closer to her own age. Maybe I'll fall in love with an older woman! Maybe I'll live to be a 100, and she'll die at 75. Could happen. My grandad lived to 97.

 

There are so many maybe's in life. I just think you are looking for certainty where it's impossible to find it. I don't think people should let uncertainty keep them from living.

[Fanny]

There are so many maybe's in life. I just think you are looking for certainty where it's impossible to find it. I don't think people should let uncertainty keep them from living.

 

Its true that life has a way of surprising you, but I think its unreasonable to expect yourself to be too much different, biologically, than the other members of your species.

 

In any case though, if consenting adults are happy it's nobody's business. Perhaps the planned obsolescence that you alluded to is the only real answer. Did you ever read Orson Scott Card's "Memory of Earth" series. As I remember relationships were contracted to last 5 years? Maybe it was seven.

 

Maybe that's the way to do it.

[beachlover]

Once again thanks for the replies, I have never seen this many replies on a post in 1 day!

 

I think he got excited by your kiss and felt flattered that a 20 year old was interested..

he didn't know I was 20 at that point, it wasn't until later that night

 

Whats the likelyhood you will get attached to this man and succumb to all his charms ?

The likelihood of me getting attached is pretty good because I tend to get attached easily, and the likelihood of me succumbing to his charms, not so much. I have learned to stand my ground no matter how much I like a person.

 

I'm proud of you.

For what? Thinking that I am going to hang out with him again?

 

I'd be more worried about what life stages you are at than the age difference. My friend is 24 and dating a 37 year-old, and they get along great. They both have jobs, nice places to live, etc. They are both looking to settle down.

 

At your point, you're still in school, planning to go to graduate school...and are you ready to settle down?

I guess when I say age difference I am thinking more of the different stages in life. He did mention that he wants to settle down and get married in the next few years... but that could also be because we met at one of his best friends weddings and his other best friend is getting married in 6 months.

 

I am not ready to settle down, my friend (the one who married his best friend) told him that I am dead set in my ways and that I will be moving across the country for grad school no matter what happens between now and then. I have also told him this in talking to him in the last week. He knows I am determined and motivated to get my career going before I am worried about getting married and settling down somewhere.

 

A man his age should know better. He sounds a bit immature to me to keep pressing the issue. He also sounds like a bit of a jerk, even he's being nice to you to get what he wants. I'm exactly his age and had a crush on a friend exactly your age, but I also realized that it was a bit ridiculous, even if it was nice to feel some kind of emotional connection to someone in a totally different generation.

 

If he was a stand up guy he'd take no for an answer and not hope that because you are young that you won't be assertive.

 

EDIT: I just read your last post and I wish you luck, but don't let him pressure you into commitments you don't want to make. You're young and you have a right to be free to experience life.

I haven't exactly told him no, I have just not had time to talk to him (honestly) so I have replied to some of his texts telling him that I have a lot going on and that I might have more time after I get done with one of my jobs in a few weeks.

 

I honestly don't think that he think that I am young and naive. He was shocked that I am 20, as are most people that I meet. I am thinking that he felt the same connection that I did, he just wasn't bothered by the age difference and I was.

 

Thanks for the good luck, I am still debating what I am going to do. If I do go out with him I will not let him pressure me, I can stand my ground

 

Tell him exactly what you want from the beginning to stop any wires being crossed.

If I do end up hanging out with him again I have every intention of telling him that I am not looking for a relationship right now. I am almost 21 and I want to be able to go out and have fun with out worrying what my boyfriend will think. Also I haven't been single since I was 17 until about year ago and I am enjoying the single life right now.

[electric_sheep]

For what? Thinking that I am going to hang out with him again?

 

Yeah. Just for having an open mind. Particularly considering, as you say, you're not even interested in jumping right into a long term relationship anyway.

 

Sometimes it seems people conjure up the most complicated rules of engagement in here.

[Mary3]

electric sheep you sound pretty hot !

 

OP : I think you should do whatever in life you want to do. Get with him if you decide to do so.

 

Get your career moving as well if thats what you want.

 

Live your life the way you choose

[beachlover]

OP : I think you should do whatever in life you want to do. Get with him if you decide to do so.

 

Get your career moving as well if thats what you want.

 

Live your life the way you choose

 

I know I should do whatever I want to do but the thing is that I don't know what I want to do.

 

I went out with my friends for the 4th and he was there. At the end of the night it was a couple, this guy and me. The couple and I all worked together a few years ago so we were talking about all of the people who we worked with and one of my exes came up (sore subject), he was being really sweet and telling me that I didn't deserve to be treated the way that my ex treated me. That was really sweet but I can't let myself get too close to him for some reason... age and other things I'm sure. Part of me wants to hang out with him and see what happens but part of me is not wanting to deal with what my friends and family will say about the age gap.

 

I have also come to the realization that part of me is also afraid of getting close to any guy again. I have been screwed over by basically every guy I have ever dated. One guy cheated on me for almost 3 years before I found out, after I finally got over him I thought I had found a great guy, but after 4 wonderful months he confessed that he had another girlfriend who he had been dating for over two years. (I want to know where she thought he was all those nights he was staying at my place).

 

Dang I am screwed up huh?

[Mary3]

I know I should do whatever I want to do but the thing is that I don't know what I want to do.

 

I went out with my friends for the 4th and he was there. At the end of the night it was a couple, this guy and me. The couple and I all worked together a few years ago so we were talking about all of the people who we worked with and one of my exes came up (sore subject), he was being really sweet and telling me that I didn't deserve to be treated the way that my ex treated me. That was really sweet but I can't let myself get too close to him for some reason... age and other things I'm sure. Part of me wants to hang out with him and see what happens but part of me is not wanting to deal with what my friends and family will say about the age gap.

 

I have also come to the realization that part of me is also afraid of getting close to any guy again. I have been screwed over by basically every guy I have ever dated. One guy cheated on me for almost 3 years before I found out, after I finally got over him I thought I had found a great guy, but after 4 wonderful months he confessed that he had another girlfriend who he had been dating for over two years. (I want to know where she thought he was all those nights he was staying at my place).

 

Dang I am screwed up huh?

 

With any form of cheating there are signs and sometimes we don't see them or want to see them and it boggles the mind that it went on for 3 years . ...Did you see any signs in that time that he might have been absent when he should have been with you ?

[electric_sheep]

Part of me wants to hang out with him and see what happens but part of me is not wanting to deal with what my friends and family will say about the age gap.

 

My g/f's biggest hesitation in going out with me was fear of her parents reaction. She was convinced her dad was going to be absolutely livid. It turned out not to be a big deal at all. Her parents seem to be crazy about me, in fact.

 

Of course, some parents are really controlling in this regard, and have definite ideas about the age, race, social class, occupation, etc... of the guy their daughter is dating.

 

As for friends, that didn't turn out to be a big issue either. Last year I found myself, at the age of 36, frequently hanging out in a college dorm. The students themselves were totally cool with me (being judgemental is a characteristic that comes with age). My g/f even said having an older boyfriend sort of gave her an added "mystique" socially. Granted, a lot of 36 year old guys are NOT going to want to hang out at a dorm. I found the experience interesting in a sociological way, as well as nourishing spiritually. It's nice to talk to people whom's dreams havn't been beaten down by reality and cynicism yet.

 

 

Anyway, you sound sort of exhausted and emotionally worn out right now. You may not want to deal with any added complexities, such as age. Though, if I can stereotype a little myself here, an older guy will likely be more faithful.

 

You know what seems to be a dying art form these days? The art of casual dating. I'm talking about innocently dating a few people at the same time, like people used to do back in the 50's. Go out for ice cream. Make out in the back seat of a car. Then do it all over again next weekend, but with a different guy/girl. What ever happened to that?

 

It seems serial monogomy is what we do these days. We start dating someone, then everything gets terribly emotional and serious, then we start having sex with them, then something screws everything up, then we break up. I have to admit, it is exhausting.

[Mary3]

My g/f's biggest hesitation in going out with me was fear of her parents reaction. She was convinced her dad was going to be absolutely livid. It turned out not to be a big deal at all. Her parents seem to be crazy about me, in fact.

 

Of course, some parents are really controlling in this regard, and have definite ideas about the age, race, social class, occupation, etc... of the guy their daughter is dating.

 

As for friends, that didn't turn out to be a big issue either. Last year I found myself, at the age of 36, frequently hanging out in a college dorm. The students themselves were totally cool with me (being judgemental is a characteristic that comes with age). My g/f even said having an older boyfriend sort of gave her an added "mystique" socially. Granted, a lot of 36 year old guys are NOT going to want to hang out at a dorm. I found the experience interesting in a sociological way, as well as nourishing spiritually. It's nice to talk to people whom's dreams havn't been beaten down by reality and cynicism yet.

 

 

Anyway, you sound sort of exhausted and emotionally worn out right now. You may not want to deal with any added complexities, such as age. Though, if I can stereotype a little myself here, an older guy will likely be more faithful.

 

You know what seems to be a dying art form these days? The art of casual dating. I'm talking about innocently dating a few people at the same time, like people used to do back in the 50's. Go out for ice cream. Make out in the back seat of a car. Then do it all over again next weekend, but with a different guy/girl. What ever happened to that?

 

It seems serial monogomy is what we do these days. We start dating someone, then everything gets terribly emotional and serious, then we start having sex with them, then something screws everything up, then we break up. I have to admit, it is exhausting.

 

It still does exist. You go out on dates and date simultaneously until you decide the right one is chosen

[beachlover]

With any form of cheating there are signs and sometimes we don't see them or want to see them and it boggles the mind that it went on for 3 years . ...Did you see any signs in that time that he might have been absent when he should have been with you ?

 

I didn't see any signs when I was dating either guy.

 

My 3 year relationship was half long distance, when we were in the same city we were together all the time except when he was working. I stayed with him and even went into his work when he was working so I know he was where he said he was. When we were in different cities we were in contact all the time either text messaging, instant messaging or on the phone, during the day we would text or IM back and forth and it never took him more than 3-4 minutes to respond and we talked on the phone for 2-3 hours every night. Looking back now I can remember a few times that I now know he was lying but he was good at covering his tracks, no one knew anything about it, not even his roommate.

 

The guy after that he seemed really into me, he would get off work at 6, and either go home and change and take care of what he needed to at his house and be at my place from 8-9 on, or he would come over right after work and be there all night. I was sure shocked when he confessed that he had a girlfriend, I want to know where she thought he was all of those nights. Not my problem I guess. Last I heard they were still together.

[beachlover]

My g/f's biggest hesitation in going out with me was fear of her parents reaction. She was convinced her dad was going to be absolutely livid. It turned out not to be a big deal at all. Her parents seem to be crazy about me, in fact.

 

Of course, some parents are really controlling in this regard, and have definite ideas about the age, race, social class, occupation, etc... of the guy their daughter is dating.

I am 100% sure my parents will not approve, I have a sister who is 3 years older and she was dating a guy 9 years older than her and my parents hated him before they even met him. They were together 2 years and my parents never got used to it. I can't imagine what they would say to 13 years difference.

 

As for friends, that didn't turn out to be a big issue either. Last year I found myself, at the age of 36, frequently hanging out in a college dorm. The students themselves were totally cool with me (being judgemental is a characteristic that comes with age). My g/f even said having an older boyfriend sort of gave her an added "mystique" socially. Granted, a lot of 36 year old guys are NOT going to want to hang out at a dorm. I found the experience interesting in a sociological way, as well as nourishing spiritually. It's nice to talk to people whom's dreams havn't been beaten down by reality and cynicism yet.

I have talked to a some of my friends about it and they are either all for it or all against it. I have found 3 people out of maybe a dozen that I have told that are supportive of it. It's not so much my friends as my parents that I am worried about.

 

Anyway, you sound sort of exhausted and emotionally worn out right now. You may not want to deal with any added complexities, such as age. Though, if I can stereotype a little myself here, an older guy will likely be more faithful.

I am emotionally exhausted right now, there has been a lot going on in my life lately outside of my love life. I would bet that he would be more faithful than the last few guys I have dated, he doesn't seem like the cheating type... but then again I am apparently not a good judge of that.

 

You know what seems to be a dying art form these days? The art of casual dating. I'm talking about innocently dating a few people at the same time, like people used to do back in the 50's. Go out for ice cream. Make out in the back seat of a car. Then do it all over again next weekend, but with a different guy/girl. What ever happened to that?

 

It seems serial monogomy is what we do these days. We start dating someone, then everything gets terribly emotional and serious, then we start having sex with them, then something screws everything up, then we break up. I have to admit, it is exhausting.

Whenever I see him again (I'm sure it will happen because of our mutual friends) I have every intention of telling him that I am not looking for a relationship now but that I would like to hang out with him.