beachlover Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I went to one of my good friends weddings this last weekend, I was pretty involved in planning/decorating but I was not actually in the wedding, I was there for all of the events (rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, brunch the morning after, etc) as were all of the groomsmen and bridesmaids. One of the groomsmen was there with out a date, as I was, while everyone else had a date. So naturally we ended up talking a lot during down times. The wedding was in the morning and the reception lasted until 4 or so. We were both starving so we went out to dinner and he paid. We got to talking over dinner and found out that we live 3 miles from one another (we were both 400 miles away from home for the wedding), and that we both enjoy the same activities, go to the same lake frequently, etc. After dinner he kissed me and it was amazing, I was really starting to like him. Another of the groomsmen called and wanted to go to a bar, he asked if I wanted to go get drinks and I told him I couldn't because I am not quite 21 and that I would go to where I was staying and he could go out with the his friends. He was quite shocked that I was 20, so I asked him how old he is and he is 33. He thought I was 25-26 and I thought his was 26-27. He kept commenting on us continuing to go out, he said that the age difference doesn't bother him at all, but it bothers me. 13 years is a lot to me. He has texted me the next morning to say that he wanted to see me again maybe this week, but I was staying in the town where the wedding was for a while longer because I had other friends there I wanted to see, so I told him I wouldn't be home until the end of the week and that I already have plans this coming weekend. I talked to the friend who got married and her husband and they both told me to be nice to him because he has been screwed over in the last 3 relationships he has had, they both think that him and I are perfect for each other, but I don't only because of the age difference. I don't know how to put it nicely that he is too old for me, and I don't want to hurt him. Help!
Steveto Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Speaking as a 32 year old and one that looks young..I can pass for as young as 18 or younger, but very rarely...usually people think i am in my early 20's. Anyway...my parents are 14 years apart and while my mother is 55..she looks 35ish..my father looks young too..50's though he is in his 70's... My sister was also dating a guy for 7 years and he was 11 years older. It's up to you, but as long as you are 19+, you should decide for yourself who you want to date and it should be about who you feel you would be happy with. My parents are divorced, but it wasn't because of the age factor...they're honestly so opposit it's not funny..I often asked how in the hell they got married in the first place. and my sister is no longer with her BF because he just had no drive..no motivation to further his career (he makes ok money), but the chemistry died, however, they are still good friends..they just grew apart. You aren't even dating...you went out to eat ONCE..he won't get that hurt..just disappointed and MIGHT think you are close minded, but that's his prob. It's better knowing before emotions are involved than later. If you are gonna do it..do it now. Or at least tell him that you feel uncomfortable and you need a little time to think about it. whatever you do..DON'T LIE. Tell the truth..sometimes the truth hurts, but at least you and him have closure..
Missy27 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 My last relationship had a 12 year age gap. I met him when I was 17, he was 29. Nobody though it would last but we were together for 10 years. I only finished it because he was a no good, waste of space, not because he was 12 years older than me. I sometimes think its actually BETTER to date an older man. They tend to be more "emotionally mature" than younger guys. This guy that likes you has obviously had previous relationships so he's gonna know the drill. Its totally up to you what you do. If you decide not to date him then just make sure you are honest with him and tell him the real reason for your reluctance. At least then you have been straight with him right from the outset.
Krytellan Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Well, I'm 33, and in my mind he should be incredibly skeptical about dating a 20 year old. No offense to you. I personally would feel a little creepy dating a 20 year old. But that's on him, not you. I fyou like him and he wants to date you, go for it. Don't let him take you for a ride though.
Mari Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Age has no bearing on the relationship. Great communication, common goals, values, interests, friendship, chemistry is what matters.
IpAncA Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Um, yeah you should pass on this. He needs someone whos more his age and so do you.
TheSilentType Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Yeah, you're at different stages in life. He's probably trying to settle down. If you were 40 and he was 53, maybe that would work out better. But you're right. You should pass. I hope you didn't lead him on or anything with flirting and stuff.
Author beachlover Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Thanks for all the replies. I am not planning on lying to him I just don't know how to tell him nicely that he is too old for me, I don't get how the age difference doesn't bother him at all. Well, I'm 33, and in my mind he should be incredibly skeptical about dating a 20 year old. No offense to you. I personally would feel a little creepy dating a 20 year old. But that's on him, not you. I fyou like him and he wants to date you, go for it. Don't let him take you for a ride though. I don't understand why any 33 year old would want to date a 20 year old. Yeah, you're at different stages in life. He's probably trying to settle down. If you were 40 and he was 53, maybe that would work out better. But you're right. You should pass. I hope you didn't lead him on or anything with flirting and stuff. I think we are at totally different stages, I am still in school and headed to grad school as soon as I am done with undergrad. All of his friends are getting married in the next year and he even commented that he wants to get married in the next few years. I was flirting and having a good time before I found out he was 33, after that I kinda freaked out and wanted to get out of there. Obviously he thinks I am interested because he keeps texting me and wanting to see me.
EIN Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 You do not have to use the age thing, just the college thing would be more appropriate. Now you guys were at a wedding together. Key thing is that he had no date at 33. Not saying anything about his personality or his life, I do not even know him but I guess you both , more him than you, were caught up with the wedding and relationship spell that he probably heard from his colleagues or other people about beautiful romances that began with two single people meeting at a wedding. I am not saying it was wrong but you do have many years to live out before deciding what is really good for you or not. He has lived that out already, I say pass on him as well. I should speak for myself but I learned the hard way when I was vying for someone older than me (during my early 20's) and got burned. Forgiven but not Forgotten.
Rufio Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Me And My Partner Have A 13 Year Age Gap, And I Find We Have More In common Than Someone MY Age And I Would Have. I'm 17, So Like You I'm Just A Little Way Off Being A Legal Adult In The Sense Of Being Able To Go Out And Drink ETC, I'm In England So The Legal Age Is 18 WhereasI Take IT Yours Is 21. MY Advice To You Is To For get The Age, Its The Person That MAtters. Honestly, Its Worth The fight Against Dissapproving People If You Feel Strongly For Eachthoer. Why Not Give It A Try, Older Guys Are Great, More Experienced, More Sensetive, And More Mature. x
dbtmarley Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I don't understand why any 33 year old would want to date a 20 year old. Why wouldn't he want to "date" a twenty year old? He's 7 years from his mid life crisis.... 30 years from retirement... You better drop him quick before he drops dead from old age!
cuteblondegurl Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I do not think a 13yr age difference should matter. I think as long as the two of you connect well , age should be irrelevant.
Author beachlover Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Why wouldn't he want to "date" a twenty year old? He's 7 years from his mid life crisis.... 30 years from retirement... You better drop him quick before he drops dead from old age! LOL this was the funniest thing to read! I do not think a 13yr age difference should matter. I think as long as the two of you connect well , age should be irrelevant. I think that the age difference wouldn't matter as much if it was 5 years from now when I myself have a career too. I agree with TST that we are at two different places in our lives. He called me last night and I flat out told him that I can't get over the age difference, he basically said that it isn't a big deal and that he still wants to take me out. He is so easy to talk to, I am half tempted to go ahead and hang out with him. But on the other hand I don't want to do that because I honestly don't see this going very far because I think I would just be leading him on.
mishy Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 my grandparents had a 17 year age gap between them and they were married for 55 years before one of them died. Nanna was i think in her 20's when she married him . Her parents were dead against it. Go with what feels right. if there is an issue with your age it will show up sooner rather than later.
mishy Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Me And My Partner Have A 13 Year Age Gap, And I Find We Have More In common Than Someone MY Age And I Would Have. I'm 17, So Like You I'm Just A Little Way Off Being A Legal Adult In The Sense Of Being Able To Go Out And Drink ETC, I'm In England So The Legal Age Is 18 WhereasI Take IT Yours Is 21. MY Advice To You Is To For get The Age, Its The Person That MAtters. Honestly, Its Worth The fight Against Dissapproving People If You Feel Strongly For Eachthoer. Why Not Give It A Try, Older Guys Are Great, More Experienced, More Sensetive, And More Mature. x isn't it really annoying to type like that ??? its certainly annoying to read
Rufio Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 isn't it really annoying to type like that ??? its certainly annoying to read Type Like What?
LN99 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 If you really like this guy, maybe it's worth a shot right? I mean, it is an age gap, but it could work. Say your mature for you age and he is a bit immature. You balance each other out. I have a friend who is 23 and she is dating a 39 yr old. He doesn't look his age and she acts much older then she is. It works for them. But, if you two do get together, let him know that you are NOT interested in settling down right away. Let him know your plans of grad school and how you have things you want to do before you get to that point. Then let him make the decision whether he's interested in waiting around for you. If anything, you can go on a few dates with him just to see what he's really like. Then maybe that can help you make your decision about getting involved with him and whether or not you think it would be a good thing.
jenniferlm Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Type Like What? It makes it hard to read, and it hurts my eyes too...I agree with the others on the forum who've mentioned the way you capitalize the first letter of every word. Even though you say it's harder for you NOT to do it, you should do it anyway...seeing as how its sometimes better to inconvenience and bother yourself than to inconvenience and/or bother many other people. JMO though. I often don't even bother to read what you've written cause of the way you type...it's too hard to read and too hard on the eyes so I just skip over it.
SadForever Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 You guys enjoyed each other's company alot. Maybe more than the age thing, he freaked you cause of the marriage discussion? You could be blunt with him and tell him you'd like to spend more time with him, but can't be in a serious relationship. Could be a fun summer fling for both of you. You could make a good friend. Just don't think too far into the future and make it clear to him where you are coming from. If you aren't that interested in him and are just worried about turning him down without hurting his feelings, then I'd say the quicker you get it over with the better. Good luck!
Author beachlover Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 I have talked to him on the phone a few times in the last week and I love talking to him. I am thinking that I will hang out with him again sometime soon and see how that goes. Apparently there aren't many people who are weirded out by the age difference as I am.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 A man his age should know better. He sounds a bit immature to me to keep pressing the issue. He also sounds like a bit of a jerk, even he's being nice to you to get what he wants. I'm exactly his age and had a crush on a friend exactly your age, but I also realized that it was a bit ridiculous, even if it was nice to feel some kind of emotional connection to someone in a totally different generation. If he was a stand up guy he'd take no for an answer and not hope that because you are young that you won't be assertive. EDIT: I just read your last post and I wish you luck, but don't let him pressure you into commitments you don't want to make. You're young and you have a right to be free to experience life.
Mary3 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I think he got excited by your kiss and felt flattered that a 20 year old was interested.. Many years age difference only works if BOTH are comfortable ... Be clear and if you want to hang out with him do so but remind him that you don't want it to go further. Whats the likelyhood you will get attached to this man and succumb to all his charms ?
PinkAngelStar Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I don't think age matters, obviously does when it comes to legal ages etc. The fact your asking if it's right or not isn't exactly a good sign to start with. If you enjoy his company and like him, why not? Tell him exactly what you want from the beginning to stop any wires being crossed.
Fanny Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 When I was in my twenties I was with a guy much older. We eventually had children together and then split. My experiance is this - an age gap that wide means that the person basically grew up in a different culture. Different language, different music, different memes, different humor. You are with someone from a different country, and like any ex-pat you will eventually start to miss the comfortable familiarity of your own country. Its hard for men your own age to upstage the power of an adult male. They won't have the car and the assets to buy nice gifts and take you out for nice meals or on trips. Twenty somethings look skinny and undeveloped in comparison to a guy in his thirties. But that guy is not going to have the enthusiasm for life's adventures that a twenty something guy will have, and that you have. He will not have the energy either. If you marry an old man, you will lead an old man's life.
electric_sheep Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I'd just tell him straight up that he is too old for you. He may try and convince you otherwise, but eventually he will give up, and since he can't help what his age is, he certainly won't take it personally. As for whether it's right or wrong... like everything in the world of romance, there is no hard and fast rule, and stereotypes exist only to be broken. I'm a little uncertain about these "stages" of life everyone speaks of? I guess nobody gave me the script, but then again I think scripts are boring anyway. My girlfriend is 15 years younger than me, and we've been dating 2 years. She is 21 now, and I'm 36. Many of her younger friends agree I am hotter than most of the guys on their dorm floor. One of them asked me to pose nude for a painting. Also, I think my girlfriend is far more interested in "settling down" than me. Go figure.
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