For all the aspiring Psychoanalysts: Addicted to relocation

[Krytellan]

A psychoanalyst would probably have a field day with this one. This is long, but interesting if I do say so myself. Hey... I'm newly single with a little extra time on my hands

 

OK, so I grew up in a military family. When I was three my parents divorced and had joint custody. Father stayed in military and remarried, moving around a lot (including overseas), mother moved home to MI and remarried... twice. Stepdad #1 and Stepmom #1 were both repelling figures that contributed to my bouncing back and forth between parents (and likewise for my siblings). So in practice, whenever one step would totally get on my nerves, I would move to the other parent. As such, I ended graduating from school having attended 10 different schools in my life.

 

So, fast forward. I'm a 24 year old self-proclaimed loser. Living in mom's basement after several failed roommate attempts. On year six of community college (at where I accumulated 60 credits in that time). And working part-time as a direct care worker.

 

I woke up on the morning of January 1st, 1998 to a new truth. I had an epiphany. There were two things that I had decided I had to do at that moment. Go to Ireland, and get my freaking sh*t together. I think the words "what the Hell am I doing with my life" left my mouth about 15 times that day.

 

So I went to Ireland a month later and transfered my credits to Wayne State where I attended school time-and-a-half for 2 years to graduate. I chose to move to the campus, which is in downtown Detroit, about 30 minutes from where I had previously lived.

 

Well, 2 years go by, one thing led to another, and I end up in a doctoral program in Allentown, PA. I couldn't fathom the thought of living and going to school in MI anymore. Just had the itch to leave. Anyway, I spend 6 years in PA, where I met, married, and separated from my wife. At the time of separation, I moved back to MI to live with my family as I was already unemployed at the time anyway.

 

2006. Three months in MI, all the while looking for work all across the country because the job market in MI in my field was so poor. I end up moving to the Portland/Vancouver area to take a job. Two months later, I meet a wonderful girl and begin the dirty divorce process (with the wife, not the girl ).

 

June 2007. I get my divorce decree and the relationship with my gf ends. What do you suppose is the first thought that went through my mind? Moving. I thought about packing up and moving somewhere else. Anywhere.

 

So have I become someone who deals with stressful situations by moving and "running away" from the source of stress? It worked as a child for years, and it worked with my wife. I try to picture myself here, at the same company, 5 years from now and I can't. It's a great company, considering. Probably the best situation I will ever find (in the near future) because it's so large and has fingers in every part of the city/county/state Mental Health system (opportunity for advancement).

 

I guess I'm just worried that the time has come for me to stop being transient and to start doing something for myself- establishing career, saving for retirement, look to buy a house someday (another reason I can't imagine staying here, the house market is freakin nuts)- I don't know how to do it. I'm a little afraid that I picked the wrong part of the country to settle in, but I can't say for sure yet. And a part of me says screw it, you're (relatively) young and single... now's the time. But I know in my heart I can't leave here at least until I finish what I started, which is getting some aspects of my life sorted out and stable.

 

Anyone else have this problem where running seems to be the answer? I'd be curious to glean insight from others who might have experienced the next part of this story, or a happy and successful ending to it.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, yes, yes. I soooo know what you're feeling right now.

 

I have bounced back and forth between NorCal and SoCal as a result of "running away" - either from a relationship gone bad, or some professional/educational disaster. Upon making my most recent decision to return to NorCal, I headed straight for a new therapist's office to make sure that my most recent move was what was really BEST for ME and not the result of "running away." I basically convinced myself, and my therapist, that it was "the right thing to do," but I still have moments where I question that...where I wonder what would be had I stayed. Those moments included sometimes feeling like a coward. But those moments are heavily outweighed by my nights of peaceful slumber back where I belong.

 

Last May, my relationship with my 2nd most significant ex ended. He was my childhood (literally) sweetheart who I had shared every "first" with, and who I reconnected with two winters ago. I felt like it was "meant to be," he was "the one," etc. I was CRUSHED and DEVASTATED when that relationship ended.

 

Just prior to our breakup, things started to go to sh*t for me professionally, I decided L.A. sucked and was far too vain and superficial a town for me, and wanted to escape it. He was living in Vegas at the time, and although I HATE Vegas (everything about it, really), I all of a sudden wanted to relocate there. I actually looked at houses, send out resumes... Scary. All because I wanted to run from my 'problems' (which weren't really problems to begin with) rather than confront them head-on.

 

Then things ended, and I thought, "Okay, where do I go now? NYC? Chicago?" That Augustana song "Boston" had just come out, and the lyrics soooo resonated with me, and despite the fact the tune wasn't necessarily about Boston per se, for a lonnnnng moment I thought I'd move there as well. Back in my mind I repeatedly considered returning "home" to NorCal where the majority of my friends and itty bitty family is, but I felt that would mean I had "failed." But I decided ultimately that I didn't care if people thought I had "failed," and that if anything, L.A. had failed ME. I realized that I wanted to run, but I wanted to run TOWARDS something, towards home...if that makes sense....and for me, that meant Sacramento.

 

I went to therapy because the week after I mentally made my mind up - and before I announced it to anyone - I found out the ex had decided to move back home too. We're from the same small town outside of SacTown. Sheeeeeyooooottt, right? I didn't want knowing that he'd be there too to have any impact on my decision. It ultimately didn't, but I'm glad he's here, because he's one of my biggest supporters now.

 

Everytime ANYTHING goes bad, I want to move and run. I don't know why it is. Unlike you and most other military kids, I only lived in two places until I was 18, and that one move when I was 11 nearly destroyed me. Nevertheless, as an adult I always want to move. Just a few months ago when a friend was a beeyotch to me, I wanted to move to San Diego where one of my best friends lives. Two months before that I considered moving to Seattle, where my SD friend's sister is. And before that, Chicago. Definitely a pattern. But everytime I resist the urge to start packing, the feeling eventually subsides and I'm left with a feeling of relief that I didn't run.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you, K. I think you just need to find a place to "nest" so-to-speak, for you and only you, with no member of the opposite sex involved in your decision. Figure out what place "fits" you. Sacramento fits me perfectly - equadistant between S.F. and Tahoe, a big-little city. I'm sure there are other places that fit would too - Boston and anywhere in Ohio, for example. But I know SacTown, and I breathe SacTown (when the pollen isn't killing me, anyway - haha!). My entire support system is here, or within an hour's drive. Where is your SacTown? Are you sure it's not where you are right now? Or is it perhaps back in MI?

 

Regardless of where it is, do yourself a favor and give yourself at least 3-4 months to think about it, and most-likely get it out of your system. Keep me posted.

 

Wow, sorry for the long post...

[dropdeadlegs]

You're younger than I thought, but if you're itching to move come to Louisiana (we have lots of mental health issues here) and I could hook you up with a few nice (but mental) girls here. Would you consider a girl as young as 18? (My daughter) because you seem like a nice guy and she could use one.

 

I can hardly imagine a bigger difference than between MI and OR. Still, housing is cheap in LA compared to the rest of the nation.

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out with your girl. You sure things can't be changed?

 

Maybe you should relocate to CA, somewhere near Star Gazer?

[dropdeadlegs]

Maybe I should have mentioned that I am intrigued with those (you) who have the guts to relocate. I am (sometimes; no, often) abysmally stuck in place; afraid to make any real move. Even when I probably should have and have been encouraged by many to do so.

 

I think moving takes more guts than staying in place.

[Star Gazer]

I think moving takes more guts than staying in place.

 

Yes and no. Moving when the going gets rough is cowardly (that's running away). I've done that before. Moving when everything is good or even just "eh, okay" - that takes guts (a risk worthy of a great reward). I've done that before too.

[Storyrider]

I think you've done a great job identifying patterns in your life, and you should avoid making any big decisions at least until the intitial shock of the breakup wears off. You're probably depressed, and sometimes the idea of starting fresh seems like it will be a big change that will solve everything. But, as Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are."

 

(You are younger than I thought too. You might have to look up my BB reference, but it isn't important to the point.)

[Krytellan]

You're younger than I thought, but if you're itching to move come to Louisiana (we have lots of mental health issues here) and I could hook you up with a few nice (but mental) girls here. Would you consider a girl as young as 18? (My daughter) because you seem like a nice guy and she could use one.

 

I can hardly imagine a bigger difference than between MI and OR. Still, housing is cheap in LA compared to the rest of the nation.

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out with your girl. You sure things can't be changed?

 

Maybe you should relocate to CA, somewhere near Star Gazer?

 

Thanks for the sentiment DDL. I appreciate it. I think 18 would be a bit young . I have established an arbitrary age limit of 28 (though my first 30 year old was no more ready than the 26 yr old I divorced... so arbitrary is accurate).

 

To be honest, I'm not really concerned about the gf thing. I have yet to truly lament the situaion yet. It was really just a trigger to thinking about the relocating thing. I'll address this more when I respond to StoryRider cuz I have no idea how to multiquote different people .

 

I have never had a desire to move to the deep south. I spent time in VA and wasn't too impressed. As far as moving toward SG... I dunno... I think I scare her. Or at least creep her out a little.

[Krytellan]

I'm not sure what to tell you, K. I think you just need to find a place to "nest" so-to-speak, for you and only you, with no member of the opposite sex involved in your decision. Figure out what place "fits" you. Sacramento fits me perfectly - equadistant between S.F. and Tahoe, a big-little city. I'm sure there are other places that fit would too - Boston and anywhere in Ohio, for example. But I know SacTown, and I breathe SacTown (when the pollen isn't killing me, anyway - haha!). My entire support system is here, or within an hour's drive. Where is your SacTown? Are you sure it's not where you are right now? Or is it perhaps back in MI?

 

Regardless of where it is, do yourself a favor and give yourself at least 3-4 months to think about it, and most-likely get it out of your system. Keep me posted.

 

Well as I said, I know in my heart that I need to finish what I started here, and that in itself will take about a year. So that will be enough time to get a feel for the job outlook and personal relationships. I didn't come here to meet my gf, I came here to start a new life. Whether or not that will be necessary again in a year remains to be seen.

 

And I have no idea where my SacTown is. I feel pretty confident it's not MI. The thought of Colorado intrigues me... but so did Portland.

 

We're freaky similar. Why don't you move to Portland? *nudge nudge* :love:

[Krytellan]

I think you've done a great job identifying patterns in your life, and you should avoid making any big decisions at least until the intitial shock of the breakup wears off. You're probably depressed, and sometimes the idea of starting fresh seems like it will be a big change that will solve everything. But, as Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are."

 

(You are younger than I thought too. You might have to look up my BB reference, but it isn't important to the point.)

 

Ahh, don't put me in the crib. OF COURSE I know Buckaroo Bonzai... I just saw it again recently and the "concert" scene was embarassing

 

Again, this is not so much about the gf as it is just a natural response to something gone wrong. I was actually wondering today why I haven't cared about the break-up yet. I guess we never really saw each other much anyway, so it doesn't feel too different yet. It's a little scary though to think of how detached I must have already been when it went down. So no, there's no depression. In fact, I feel amazingly balanced right now. Of course, my Percy is benefitting from his new wave of "daddy time" . We went for a jog together today... he's never gone jogging with me before.

 

And why did everyone have me as so old? I mean yes, I am obviously wise beyond my years. And yes, I do bear a striking resemblance to Richard Gere. But other than that, I'm as young and playful as they come. I actually thought 33 was feeling pretty old... hmm. Maybe I just feel like I'm running out of time.

[Star Gazer]

As far as moving toward SG... I dunno... I think I scare her. Or at least creep her out a little.

 

You do not, silly!

 

We're freaky similar. Why don't you move to Portland? *nudge nudge* :love:

 

Nope. Not gon do it.

[doiask42much]

Maybe I should have mentioned that I am intrigued with those (you) who have the guts to relocate. I am (sometimes; no, often) abysmally stuck in place; afraid to make any real move. Even when I probably should have and have been encouraged by many to do so.

 

I think moving takes more guts than staying in place.

 

I agree. I've wanted to move for a LONG time. But how (scared of having no job)? Where? And on my own? SCARY. Easier to sit here and be miserable.

 

I'm TRYING to find myself another job and move south a bit, but it's been slow going and I'm not convinced I'll like it there either.

 

SG, don't people usually move because they're unhappy with where they are, to some degree? Unless it's a work transfer or some other circumstance. How long did you live in LA for?

[doiask42much]

Krytellan, I was going to say I was sorry to hear about your breakup, as I remember you discussing the stress/sex issue, but you seem less than broken up about it. I am glad you are taking it in stride so well.

[Star Gazer]

SG, don't people usually move because they're unhappy with where they are, to some degree? Unless it's a work transfer or some other circumstance. How long did you live in LA for?

 

Yes, I was miserable where I was. But I'm just uncertain as to what was causing that misery. L.A. is beautiful, the weather is perfect, it's so diverse, there's so much to do, it's exciting and fun and whatnot. But professionally I had a bad stroke of luck (that could have happened anywhere) and personally I was having a hard time (that could have happened anywhere too, and my ex wasn't even in L.A.), and I somehow managed to blame where I was physically instead of where I was emotionally and mentally.

 

I don't regret the decision to move for a second though. I needed to be where I would have the emotional support I needed, and my support system is where I am now.

 

The last time I was in L.A. I was there for a little over 3 years. I started questioning staying there about 4-5 months before I made the move.

[funkybassplayer]

well im at the point of selling up my house. Im doing it for me, gonna get the profit out and buy a porche and rent for a bit and bank the rest. I need a change big time. its funny but 3 months ago my ex with her 3 kids wanted me to sell and move there, but that would have ment buying out her hubby (who she would'nt divorce for some unknown reason) and living with a selfish women. Now i could have lost the lot, i did'nt want to risk it, so selling for me now.

[Alexandra-Girl]

SG, don't people usually move because they're unhappy with where they are, to some degree? Unless it's a work transfer or some other circumstance.

 

Some people move because THEY FEAR HAPPINESS. Happiness means entirely different things to an optomist than a pessimist. "What one persons red tape is another persons heaven" fits well. Some people can't understand this, but perhaps your childhood has a lot to do with your decisions today. I don't think you are running away because you recognize the patterns... you have had this training subconciously embedded for years and years. Ending this pattern is not a job you can do on your own, this is the job for the psychologist to figure out.

[Krytellan]

I don't think you are running away because you recognize the patterns... you have had this training subconciously embedded for years and years. Ending this pattern is not a job you can do on your own, this is the job for the psychologist to figure out.

 

I would argue I can end it on my own, and I think that my inner psychologist has already done his (her?) job. Having simply identified that pattern, I am no longer a prisoner of it. Now that I consciously know it exists, any decisions I make to relaocate in the future are educated decisions rather than instinct or reaction.

[Diver012]

Its been a long time since I posted anything but I thought I would ad my own version of this...

 

Im not from a military family but I have lived in more places in my mid 30's than most people have their entire life. Not by my choice either.... Its interesting to contemplate how my life could have turned out if I had stayed where I was..

 

My father transfered around a lot because of his job. The short version of all this goes something like.. Lived in Jersey, moved to Texas, then moved to Pennsyvlania, then to Virginia, then to West Virginia, then back to Texas, then to Ohio, then to Minnesota, Now in North Catolina.

 

I departed from my Parents when I moved to WV to go to college. I moved back in with my parents until We lived in Ohio.

 

I never wanted to leave Ohio. I liked it and wanted to make a life there, but my job had other plans. It was right after 9/11 and the job market sucked. I decided to move and not be unemployed. I hated it.

 

3 yrs later I quit and moved back in with my parents in North Carolina. 2 yrs after that I am a Director in a local company and own my own house. This is where my life is now.

 

I dated a woman at work and it ended badly. At the time I would have given up everything I had to get out of here. A year later im glad I stuck through it all. I work with good people. My ex is still there and things are ok between us now. We hardly see eachother at work and rarely speak but when we do its pleasant.

 

If you pushed all the crap aside, and looked at what good things in life you do have, are you happy with where your at? Is it enough or do you need more? Sometimes change is a good thing. Sometimes its not. I believe its what you make of it. A change of environment can motivate you into doing things you normally wouldnt do.

 

I wish you the best in what ever decision you make.

[norajane]

There's a difference between being unhappy about where you live, and being unhappy about yourself and your life. If it's the latter, moving only delays the time when you have to face the actual source of your unhappiness.