Sweetcheripie Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Hello all! What a great little place you have here!! I would love some of your sage advice/opinions. Here is the story (condensed as much as possible): I haven't "dated" in a long time. I'm over 40, divorced, and gave up on it a few years back so I'm really out of practice. Wasn't looking to date or anything until my children were over 18. Well, boom! That changed!! I'm a Realtor and I met this guy at an Open House. He is tall, dark, and handsome and 10 years younger. He ended up calling me later and asking me out. I would normally have said "no" but for some reason I said "yes" We have been going out since April. He knew right away that I haven't dated much (sadly it has been years) He on the other hand has been divorced for three years and dated a lot. Well, I fell hard! He is so much fun and when we are out together we have such a great time. I have kinda been fighting this kicking and screaming...after the first date I said I didn't want to go out with him again because of the age thing. He convinced me to go out again. He has this weird thing with time (gets lost for hours) so I told him that was a problem for me didn't want to see him again. Ok I know I have been hard to get but I wasn't playing - just scared to death of getting hurt and tons of defenses. But looking back I realize I was a hell of a chase. So, yes, we slept together and then it seemed things changed. Not at first, but the second time - he was pretty shocked. He made comments like "wow...your not missionary cheri". Before we slept together he had made little comments here and there about our future etc. We had the convo about exclusivity (yes, before we slept together) and he said he wasn't seeing anyone else. But, again, that time thing...he can go days without calling me. If I call him he either calls me right back or answers (he knows its me cuz I have a special ringtone) So it has been about two weeks since we have seen each other. His daughter was coming into town and he was really excited to see her so I didn't expect to see him but I did expect some phone calls. Nothing. Then I get a call and I was kinda flip because, well, I was mad and hurt. So last night I get a text "I know I'm in love with you. Please help me make this work." We have never said the L word and it seemed so out of the blue. He is buying an old car today that he has coveted for along time and I'm helping to pick it up etc. Do you think he is just being flippant? When I called him this morning he sounded so sweet and sheepish, but then said how blessed he was to have a "friend" like me to help him out. WTH? Now one side of me says I am the most guarded person and I am being WAY too untrusting. But in the past I have been the most gullible, loyal til the end fool and I never want to be in that position again. So, my question is, would someone put that in a text message without meaning it? Am I horrible to not trust it? Should I have said something when I talked with him this morning? I don't want to hurt him in anyway - I really have fallen for him. He is kind, smart, funny and so affectionate. I'm scared he is a player, maybe it is that "out of my league" thing - he is an ex NFL player, gorgeous, young and fun. I'm just a silly soccer mom and maybe I wonder just what does he see in me? Thanks for reading my little novel and thanks in advance for any advice and or comments.
nittygritty Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I think its wise to be cautious since you have only known each other since April. The weird thing about time and him not calling for days doesn't match his words in his text "I know I'm in love with you. Please help me make this work". It doesn't sound like you know each other well enough to really be in love and the "Please help me make this work" part is suspect to me. It sounds like he is asking you to help him make this work? Does he have an addiction or other flaw that causes him to do a dissappearing act now and then and that has caused him problems in previous relationships? You will know more in time. So keep somewhat gaurded but try to enjoy what you have until you know each other better.
Lizzie60 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 If I were you I'd be very careful....Yes it is easy to say 'I love you' or 'I'm in love with you' and not really meaning it. I have a hard time with the 'time problem', sorry but I find that very suspicious... If he was in love with you that much I don't think he would go on days without calling or texting you... and that comment 'help me... ' wtf was that for? I find him strange... he is hiding something IMO and I think you should be cautious.
jcster Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 It sounds like he is asking you to help him make this work? Does he have an addiction or other flaw that causes him to do a dissappearing act now and then and that has caused him problems in previous relationships? Wow - that was exactly what I was thinking too. Addicts tend to disappear for varying lengths of time - and the "I love you" sounds almost like he's compensating for something. But, then again, I've been pretty bruised by relationships myself. I think you are right to be cautious - the gut knows what the head won't acknowledge. If you don't want to break up with him over a suspicion, just slow things waaaaay down - and keep your eyes open.
marlena Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Hi, I know what it means to guarded 9as well you should be) after a certain age and the experience that comes with the years. I would say be extra cautious! Have you ever asked why he pulls these disappearing stunts?
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Everyone has discussed the disappearing acts so I won't. I would recommend that you discuss the difference between an exclusive relationship and a friendship. You both need complete clarity as to where you stand. The results of the first clarifications, can lead into a discussion of the disappearing acts or not.
Author Sweetcheripie Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Thank you all for your insightful and helpful replies. It helps a lot to get some unbiased opinions that I'm not being too guarded or suspicious. He has stated pretty emphatically that he has never and will never do drugs - I wondered the first time he did a disappearing act. But, maybe in hindsight he doth protest too much. And Trial by Fire - yes!! The text was really bizarre but then the "friend" comment really seemed so weird. Almost like he was doing a retraction. It's totally time to ask some more questions.
directx Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Hmmm. I would never just blurt out 'I know I am in love with you.' I might be a coward, but because I am so hesitant to say this I focus on my actions to express that (and sometimes that doesnt work). Love might mean a different thing to him. I find the text part of it awfully impersonal. I would think he would want to say that face to face. I know some people that replace 'I love you' with other things, like 'As you wish' or stuff like that.
Mustang Sally Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I know some people that replace 'I love you' with other things, like 'As you wish' or stuff like that. I think you read too much into things sometimes. You think too much, directX. To the OP: Players can (and will) say ANYTHING. Buyer Beware.
nittygritty Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Thank you all for your insightful and helpful replies. It helps a lot to get some unbiased opinions that I'm not being too guarded or suspicious. He has stated pretty emphatically that he has never and will never do drugs - I wondered the first time he did a disappearing act. But, maybe in hindsight he doth protest too much. And Trial by Fire - yes!! The text was really bizarre but then the "friend" comment really seemed so weird. Almost like he was doing a retraction. It's totally time to ask some more questions. What about alcohol? Does he drink too much? Or Prescription drugs like painkillers? All kinds of addictions gambling, sex, etc.
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 And Trial by Fire - yes!! The text was really bizarre but then the "friend" comment really seemed so weird. Almost like he was doing a retraction. It's totally time to ask some more questions. Either a retraction or a different understanding of what an exclusive relationship entails. An ex-NFL player would have had more than enough opportunity for female attention, in the past. He might be a little commitment averse. This in itself might be a red flag, depending on what you are looking for although it sounds like you're looking for something long-term. Good luck!
directx Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I think you read too much into things sometimes. You think too much, directX. To the OP: Players can (and will) say ANYTHING. Buyer Beware. Wait, so what did 'As You Wish' mean in the Princess Bride? Anyone? I am usually pretty good with movies but I could be wrong on this one.
jcster Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I'm thinking he "doth protest too much." Come on, the guy was in the NFL!!!! I was in a similar situation to yours at one time. He was much younger than me, gorgeous, fun, affectionate - I wondered - why is he going out with ME? The answer: he was a crackhead. So, maybe I'm seeing addicts everywhere, but the amount of time he spends incommunicado, coupled with the oddly timed and expressed "I love you" makes me very suspicious. Tread carefully!
nittygritty Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 A friend of mine used to date a guy that would disappear for days at a time and then she found a prescription for herpes medicine in his medicine cabinet and he confessed that thats why he disappeared. It could also be that he is involved in another relationship or has many on the side. There are so many possibilities as to what is causing him to disappear. Just remain gaurded and ask him questions about the things he says and does that confuses you. Make sure his words match his actions.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Players most certainly are quick to throw out the "I love you"s. They use it as leverage to get what they want. I'm not saying this man IS a player, but as others advised, I would be careful.
directx Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Players most certainly are quick to throw out the "I love you"s. They use it as leverage to get what they want. I'm not saying this man IS a player' date=' but as others advised, I would be careful.[/quote'] Thats a great point. Saying 'As You Wish' should never come cheap. I think the person you want to say it to should figure it out by themselves (hopefully) by your actions, not your words.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Thats a great point. Saying 'As You Wish' should never come cheap. I think the person you want to say it to should figure it out by themselves (hopefully) by your actions, not your words. Words are cheap. Truly. As are promises (by some). While people need to hear the words sometimes, if the actions don't follow along with.....it's fairly obvious the person doesn't love you. "Love isn't something that we have, it's something that we do"...
Mustang Sally Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Words are cheap. Truly. As are promises (by some). I couldn't agree more, K-N-S. And any smart girl will have her bullsh*t meter pegged when the (cheap) words come a-flyin her way...
Kwo-ne'-she Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I couldn't agree more, K-N-S. And any smart girl will have her bullsh*t meter pegged when the (cheap) words come a-flyin her way... Yes, but I've been fooled by bullsh*tters. One got me pretty bad. Sadly, it has made me a bit more untrusting.
directx Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Yes' date=' but I've been fooled by bullsh*tters. One got me pretty bad. Sadly, it has made me a bit more untrusting.[/quote'] You and me both. I feel words can be cheap as well. Thats why I pay special attention to expression via action. Players will that do nothing but praise and compliment to get what they want. If they dont get the response they expect, they move on quickly. If they were truly interested, they would invest time into you. (of course, you have to let them a little bit) Its good to have a defense and good to be a bit untrusting. Don't be too sad about that! But as with everything, there is a balance.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 You and me both. I feel words can be cheap as well. Thats why I pay special attention to expression via action. Players will that do nothing but praise and compliment to get what they want. If they dont get the response they expect, they move on quickly. If they were truly interested, they would invest time into you. (of course, you have to let them a little bit) Its good to have a defense and good to be a bit untrusting. Don't be too sad about that! But as with everything, there is a balance. Don't you find it hard to trust again though? After being thoroughly played? I know that I have had a hard time letting anyone get too close to me emotionally after my bad R. I'm now seeing a man, whom I think the world of, and so far, he has been nothing but the best to me.....yet I am still afraid of getting hurt, and allowing myself to be that vulnerable.
Mustang Sally Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Yes' date=' but I've been fooled by bullsh*tters. One got me pretty bad. Sadly, it has made me a bit more untrusting.[/quote'] Oh I completely hear what you are saying. Believe me. I've been there. Hence the development of my personal "Player Bullsh*t Meter." I've been honing my skills with it for over 15 yrs now, and it hasn't let me down yet! Hang in there. It will get better.
directx Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Don't you find it hard to trust again though? After being thoroughly played? I know that I have had a hard time letting anyone get too close to me emotionally after my bad R. I'm now seeing a man' date=' whom I think the world of, and so far, he has been nothing but the best to me.....yet I am still afraid of getting hurt, and allowing myself to be that vulnerable.[/quote'] Yes, very much so. I built up quite a defense and probably has had quite an exceptional past of 'lost opportunities' if you will (as some could attest to), but I never got so callus that all bets are off for anyone. Take baby steps in letting him in emotionally. You really have to look at yourself to be sure you are not being unfair to him as well. You just have to use your head a little more than your heart. And sadly, you probably always have to be afraid of getting hurt, but maybe its the same as always have to be afraid of getting in a car accident: it shouldn't prevent you from driving, just be careful and prepared as possible.
Storyrider Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Have you asked him why he disappears? Did he give any reasons? Have you asked him what he expects you to do when he drops out of contact?
Mari Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 The words are there but he hasn't lived by them so proceed cautiously. When they "walk the talk" then thats a different story. It takes but a minute to pick-up the phone or text a message. I think he is stringing you along.. sorry. But it its better to know now than later. Ever read "He's Not Into You" or "The Secret" - this one is very powerful - change your dal. Set your expectations & there will be someone worthy of you. Don't settle!!! You deserve better!!!
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