So it ends . . .

[sao2]

So we broke up today. We have been together for almost 2 years now and REALLY (6000 miles) long distance for the last year. I wonder if the story is over?????? You see she has been under alot of stress lately and while I haven't been helping, alot of our arguments have been due to her needing an outlet to vent her frustration.

 

She has been so frustrated with everything going on around her that she just started pushing all the eject buttons around her. This was one of them. I have (so far) handled this pretty well. I calmly told her that I still wanted to be together and that I love her. She asked me to keep in touch, I told her that wouldn't happen. I pretty much said I want to be with her and she knows that. If she wants to hear from me again she will have to contact me. Also I added to only do that if she realizes that she does want to be with me.

 

In a way I was pretty mean and cold with her. Letting her know I loved her but at the same time reminding her that goodbye is GOODBYE and that means no I love you texts.

 

Of course I haven't let go yet, it's only been 2 hours. I can't help but fantasize that it is not over yet. That if I just let her be and realize that over means over she will come to her senses and come back to me. In many ways I feel like my life has been preparing me for this situation. I had a horrible break up years ago that I really mishandled. I am prepared to not let that happen again. We both still love each other very much and the situation has just become to much too handle for us. She didn't see any way to make it work anymore. Any suggestion I made was shot down. Finally I just said I am not going to try to convince you anymore. You know I want to make this work. If you change your mind let me know.

 

 

I don't know if I really have a question, just thought I would vent. Also maybe give some people wondering whether no-contact really works or not another sample.

 

I am going to trust the no-contact, in this case I even told her the deal.

 

Only time will tell

[directx]

Women...can't live with them, can't live without them...

[sao2]

Just thought I would add some more thoughts and comments. This relationship has not been ideal for me since the get-go. The girl, yes, she is ideal for me. The relationship, no. Let me explain . . .

 

She has some hang-ups regarding sex and commitment. Keep in mind I am 31 and she is 26, we have never had sex(I have, she hasn't). Together we haven't even seen each other naked(and this includes various weekend getaways and a two week vacation together, she would even lock the door on the bathroom). On top of that our long distance situation was never really talked about. She preferred a wait and see approach rather than trying to figure out how we were going to make things work as a couple.

 

Those were the main issues that caused me frustration on my end, and added stress to her situation.

 

The reason this may be a blessing in disguise is, either we will go our own ways and I will meet someone who is interested in the same things as me. Or she will come back.

 

In the case that she comes back, which admittedly I am hoping for and may be unrealistic. Those issues will have to be addressed before I even consider getting back with her.

 

The ladies are probably thinking I am cold, calculating and not worth any woman's time and heart. Maybe I am . . . But I gave this girl 2 years of my life where I was waiting. I know I will miss her and I don't think I will meet anyone I could fall for like I fell for her. At the same time I was tired of waiting and I didn't know what I was waiting for anymore.

[sao2]

So I caved the first night. I'll let myself have that one, first day of a break-up should never go into the no contact bin.

 

I called her and said, this isn't how its supposed to be. If we are still in love with each other we shouldn't let this go. She seemed to agree, basically we both agree on what was going wrong with our relationship, we had put too much pressure on it to be what we needed when what we needed was to figure out our own situations by ourselves.

 

We had a good talk for about an hour but in the end, she needs time to figure out her own situation. I guess I am just confusing the issue for her right now.

 

Oh well . . . Now I definitely feel I made my best case to stay together . . . now I really have to give her the time to figure this out for herself. Ughh . . . This sucks . . .

[sao2]

I normally give such great relationship advice. A couple of years ago I had a friend at work who was going through a separation with his wife. I advised him to play it cool and do what he thought wouldn't work.

 

I was literally directing his actions. He would come one day and be upset that it didn't work. I would tell him to be patient, give it a little longer. By the end of a month he was calling me a genius.

 

Last I heard they were together and happy. I wish that version of me was here to slap me around a little bit. How did it get to this? I used to have game . . . I still have it, that is why I am writing here rather than writing to her like I want to.

 

There is nothing else I can say to her, I am glad I have at least realized that. Doesn't stop me from wanting to try though. She just needs her space.

 

I have to remember that this is just as hard for her as it is for me(probably harder, she has never gone through a breakup before). I just have to wait it out until she feels ready.

 

Everything was just getting to her. She admitted that she had been looking to me as a sort of mentor in this experience she is going through, and that this was unreasonable.

 

 

Oh well, day 2 . . .

[tommycapnpants]

hey sao. wish i could help but all i can say is that i am in there with you. day two is coming to an end for me and im still scratching for that stillness. at the onset of the "i need space" i wrote a long letter highlighting all my faults, as well as touching on many of the good times we have had. i let her know i still loved her and hoped for the best. . .however, i emphasized that i understand this is what she needs and from here it is her decision. doesnt really help me get through the day. btw she is 26 too. just thought id share this with you so you are reassured once again that you are not alone.

 

i wish you the best and who knows, if you give her breathing room it may work out.

[sao2]

So I caved again, I sent a text this morning asking her to promise that if she ever decides she made a mistake she would seek me out. No response yet, I don't know if I should expect one or not. OK now that's it.

 

I talked with some friends last night and came to some realizations. One of the things that has bothered me about her is how scared she is, We would have a great relationship except for this "scared little girl" that lives within her. She has never overcome alot of her own fears and so gets in her own way. Her upbringing was pretty normal, a bit conservative if anything but her and her family have a great relationship.

 

That is sort of the reasoning for the text, I know I shouldn't have, or maybe I should. She has high standards for herself. If she were to promise what I asked, I believe she would force herself to stick to it. This is part of why she is noncommittal, if she commits to something she feels like she has to stick it out.

 

Anyways, To quote Dido,

"I will go down with this ship, I won't throw my hands up in surrender, there will be no white flag upon my door, I'm in love and always will be"

 

Nothing to do know but wait and give her space . . . hopefully I won't crack tonight. I do ok during the day, even night is ok. I am so exhausted I fall right to sleep. It is early morning, 3,4,5am that I find hardest.

[sao2]

The silver lining, every relationship I have ever had has been considerably more satisfying then the one before it. Each time I take an honest look at myself and what I am looking for in a partner. I have gotten closer to what I am looking for(with one really short exception). In any case they have all been learning experiences.

 

Anyways, hopefully soon enough I will be able to look back on this and analyze what I liked and disliked about the situation rationally. Then the next relationship I get involved with I will be that much wiser. I thought, and still think she is an excellent amazing person. If I am wiser and with an excellent person again . . . who knows what could happen.

[JulieJ]

I think you are doing the right thing by letting her know that goodbye means goodbye. If you are still there in the background for whenever she happens to need you, she will never start to miss you and will take you for granted. You also can't be the guy that helps her get over you, if you know what I mean. You can't still maintain some sort of pseudo relationship to let the old one fizzle out. If you're always around, she can't miss you and won't realize what she has done. Good luck!

[sao2]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I doubt sometimes because she is truly very different from anyone I have ever met before. She did respond to that text saying she would let me know, she also said she asks herself that question every second.

 

In her words, she does want this, but she doesn't feel strong enough to do it correctly right now. She has been taking me for granted in alot of ways and while she has been busy, she could have done more to add to the relationship.(She realizes this herself, finally)

 

Anyways I actually am thinking to try "not no contact". Not only did a post on here suggest it, but also a good friend of mine, whose advice about women I trust said it as well.

 

I am not saying alot of contact, just a little, let her know I do still care about her. I can't just turn my back on her. She really is in a time of need right now. Any relationship talk is off limits as far as I am concerned.

[tommycapnpants]

That is pretty much where I am right now as well. . . "the no no contact rule", I think youre perfectly right when you say relationship talk is off limits. Just every once in a while a little note saying hello and nothing too deep. However, I am still at a loss for the frequency. Maybe once, twice a week? Still dunno but I read this post that might help. . . check it out it is a view of a single dumper. I am not say this is the way your girl is thinking but it is a different angle that might help you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=114697

[sao2]

Yeah, that's the one I read. I just sent a simple email, nothing much. Since in her case she has been stresses I just said, I am here for you if you need me. I also didn't hide the fact that I want to be back with her and said it may be a while before I could truly be friends.

 

Now I will just sit back. If she contacts me I will respond, otherwise, her birthday is coming up in a month.

 

Otherwise, it is time for me to stop wallowing and be productive again!

[sao2]

So I am in denial, I simply can't accept that it is over. It's like I told her, this just is not how it is supposed to end. You don't end when you are both in love.

 

Like I said yesterday, I texted her saying if she ever decides she made a mistake to promise she'll come find me. Her response was "I wonder that every second, If I feel strong again, I promise, good night"

 

Couple that with the fact that right now she is feeling alot of stress (and that should change drastically within the next few months) and I think she will find her way back to me.

 

I know I am setting myself up for a harder fall if she doesn't come back . . . oh well . . . No contact continues and has to be better enforced from here on out.

[sao2]

So the weekend. No contact on either side. I expect to get an email this week(not reconciliation, but an email), it is really out of my hands. I still haven't given up in my heart. I am looking at this as a trial, a trial for both of us.

 

I have to trust in her heart she will come back to me. She has to get over her fear and doubt and come back to me(unless of course she really just doesn't want to be with me, she couldn't say it so I don't believe her).

 

I have always felt like she has taken a more passive role in this. In the past she has placed herself in uncomfortable situations in order to get passed sticking points. In this case she really needs to take the lead now.

[tommycapnpants]

i think you're doing the right thing. and when she writes just reply with a nice note, not deep. how was your weekend by the way? the weekend here in china was a bit rough. i turned to the bottle on friday night and hated myself and my situation so much more on saturday. anyway i hope you're holding in there buddy.

[sao2]

Weekend is going ok, I have alot of work to catch up on. I have been pretty useless the last week. I am teaching a summer class and doing research. Being an academic sucks when it comes to break-ups and other emotional crisis.

[sao2]

In a beautiful email that reminded me of everything that made me fall in love with her she made it completely clear that it is over.

 

I don't want to hear any hope, any words of she'll change her mind. Hope is a luxury I can't have right now.

It is truly over. Goodbye my love.

[tommycapnpants]

I am sorry to hear that brother. But, now it is time for you to go out and become the better person that entire experience will make you. Imagine how much you will have learned about yourself and what you want. I am sure it will take time, but I am excited for you and the beginning of your new life. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

[sao2]

It'll be ok, thankfully she gave the closure that was needed. There is not going to be any trying to be friends for the time being, we are still too drawn too each other. We agreed it was a matter of bad timing.

 

In fact, I now feel ready to move my life forward again. The last week or so was much worse than the next week will be (I imagine).

 

Time to truly move on. The first hour or so, was horrible, I almost applied for a new job closer to home. That is a waste, I am here for a purpose and I will see it through, something I have not allowed myself to do for the past few months as what we had just added to the pressure in our lives.

 

She really is a wonderful person and I wish her the best, I hoped to build a life with her, but reality had to set in sometime.

[sao2]

After a really rough night were I hit rock-bottom, I feel I am starting my rebirth. After each break-up like this we wallow, we hit rock bottom and then the healing begins.

 

I am ready to attack the world again. No contact, little contact, whatever, I will push her out of my mind when she enters. I barely recognize who I let myself become. I was a shell of my former self.

 

Now I definitely know, long distance relationships and I don't work well together.

 

Thanks for everyone who has been here to read and post advice. I now am ready to break out of the shell I was letting myself get enclosed in.

 

Goodbye my love, you will always have a place in my heart, hello rest of my life.

 

I will only visit here if there is something to add, such as her contacting me and wanting to get back together or a relapse into wallowing on my part.

Goodbye wallowing period

[tommycapnpants]

alright sao. you're determination is inspiring. hit the world with everything you have. . .and try some yoga, it is great for the body, spirit and a great place to meet new people.

[sao2]

Thanks, I will try the yoga, but inspiring????? C'mon, let's put things in prospective. It's a break-up of a relationship that had never really gotten off the ground, that's all, no marriage, no kids.

 

It sucks, it really sucks. For me it seems like my world is falling apart. But in reality there are so many other worse things happening in the world. C'mon, my world is hardly falling apart, yes my hopes of a life with her are falling apart, but not my world.

[tommycapnpants]

true, but it there are countless people out there who do not recognize that. they are swallowed by that loss. it's good acknowledge strength, no matter how grand or trivial the situation may be. take care.

[sao2]

Today is her birthday. I went back and forth but I finally decided why ruin a good thing. It has been 3 weeks no contact I don't need to get sucked back into trying to make it work when she asked for space.

Just a little sad, next milestone is my birthday in about 10 days. I told her the best birthday present I could get was an email from her saying she wants to see me when she gets back from overseas. I doubt I'll get that but . . . at least it gives me another milestone for no contact. After my birthday she will be back by October 1st. Then I will truly have to accept she has let go.

I just wish I could start being over her already.

[sao2]

Today is my Birthday, Happy Birthday to me!!!! Nothing from her(she is 9 hours ahead so she has had the whole day), I guess her saying she needed space was a breakup. No contact continues . . .