pcherokee Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I have been with my girl for almost a year now and things are going very well. She basically says she will never leave me and says I'm the perfect guy for her. We started going out in early August 06 and she ended up going to graduate school (2 hour flight away). We have been together this whole time but about 8 months of our relationship was long distance with seeing on the weekends about every 5 weeks. Now the long distance has potentially just gotten much more difficult and I have been accepted to a graduate school in the Netherlands for the next 2 years (it's my dream and I can't pass it up). She says she would like to come live with me once she is done with school a year from now...but is very troubled what is going to happen between now and then. She doesn't think she can handle me being gone for a year with probably only one visit at Christmas. Apparently the long distance we have already been through has been very tough for her and she doesn't think she can handle this next one with her thesis and hard work load coming up. (We used to talk almost every night when she was away along with many emails during the day) What would anyone suggest here? I'm willing to wait another year of LD but I don't think she is (despite the fact she is going to be gone at school anyway!) We had a few talks about this (she keeps avoiding talking about it) and I think she almost wants to break this off... any tips on how to last with someone while they are overseas?
brazuca Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I'm gonna be on the same situation as you my friend. But in my case she says that she will wait for me no matter what, that she waited 10 years (we were middle school sweethearts, lol), waiting for another 2 wouldn't be a problem. When are you going to the Netherlands? You HAVE to talk with her about it man, if she changes the subject, insist on it, tell her it will define the relationship. There is no damn doubt about how hard it will be for you two .. But if she really likes you, I don't see why she wouldn't at least try .. Sorry I wasn't so helpful bro .. Let us wait and see what other ppl think about this!
Author pcherokee Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 yeah, we had a serious discussion about it and she is scared about the not being in touch for a year and then finding a job in the Netherlands in a year. I hear from her that she will come with me in a year....but I know she hates me for it too...
catrocks Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 The thing is, a year is not that long if you plan on spending the rest of your lives together. I know you have probably spoken to her many times but you need to keep trying. If she really loves you and wants to be with you then, in my opinion, she would wait that year. It would be different if you didn't know how long you'd be separated, but you already have a time limit and that is one of the things which helps out the most in an LDR. When my man first moved away I said I wouldn't wait more than a year, and yet here I am 2 and a half years later. Like I said, if she really really truly wants to be with you then you and she will find a way - just keep reminding her of that. Might also be worth saying to her that if you guys don't at least give it a try won't you always be wondering what could have been? And would she really want to live that way? Where in NL are you going? And where does she live? (this is just me being curious )
Author pcherokee Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 We are both from Chicago. She goes to school in DC, and I will be going to Delft NL....just near Rotterdam and Amsterdam. Thanks for the advice, its good to hear from others that have been through it.
catrocks Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 We are both from Chicago. She goes to school in DC, and I will be going to Delft NL....just near Rotterdam and Amsterdam. Thanks for the advice, its good to hear from others that have been through it. That's cool... have you been to the netherlands before? It's the best place to go in Europe, just because of the people. Plus everyone speaks English which is a bonus
Author pcherokee Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 Well we had another talk about why my girlfriend is so upset about me going to study overseas. She says that she is jealous that I'm the one going overseas to study and she is not the one able to go right now. She is afraid that if she goes there in a year after her graduate school she will be working in a bar and doing a crap job watching her career go to waste. She says the most horrible thing is that she thinks my achievements are going to outshine hers, and she doesn't feel special anymore. She tries really hard to be happy for me too (its really sweet), but she says its very very hard when all she thinks about is how sad she is going to be. She has talked to all her close friends about it and they say she is being sill/selfish about the whole thing, and she is mad at me for going to study abroad (keep in mind she still has a year left in school while I'm at home in another state!) So I wonder if any of you have a take on this and how maybe to respond to something like this?
cbl Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Well we had another talk about why my girlfriend is so upset about me going to study overseas. She says that she is jealous that I'm the one going overseas to study and she is not the one able to go right now. She is afraid that if she goes there in a year after her graduate school she will be working in a bar and doing a crap job watching her career go to waste. She says the most horrible thing is that she thinks my achievements are going to outshine hers, and she doesn't feel special anymore. She tries really hard to be happy for me too (its really sweet), but she says its very very hard when all she thinks about is how sad she is going to be. She has talked to all her close friends about it and they say she is being sill/selfish about the whole thing, and she is mad at me for going to study abroad (keep in mind she still has a year left in school while I'm at home in another state!) So I wonder if any of you have a take on this and how maybe to respond to something like this? Does she understand that couples in a relationship should try their best to bring the best out of each other and make each other a better person - and not to see each other as competitions? If she's only feel sad because you will be far away, then I can understand. But if she's worried that you will achieve a lot more than she does in the future, then she has so much to learn about being in a relationship. She actually has more options than waiting tables at the bars or restaurant. Has she ever considered applying for a PhD program or any other short term post grad programs in schools like TU Delft or RBS depending on her major and how long you guys will be staying in NL? You can always have an option to stay to work for a few years after graduation but that doesn't mean she has to wait tables in the restaurant just to wait for you to graduate. Schools is a good networking place for people to find connections for future career options so she might consider this. Or even better, she should start exploring the options of working for an American company in NL if possible - I would talk to her about these options first and see how she responds.
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