FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 OW and me always knew it was temporary. I told her time and time again that it was and she knew it yet she didn't care and wanted to live for the moment. I even told her that eventually somehow her h would find out and he did. What I never understood was why she wanted to stay with him (after I knew what he was like). I still don't understand that part. I guess it was because of guilt that she wanted to stay with the jerk. It wasn't that I wanted to be with her because she knew I would never leave my wife, it was just that she really was in a terrible marriage. She needs to dump his ass and move on but I don't think she has the strength to do so. But anyway, I am shocked that anyone would find it strange that an affair with a married man or woman didn't work out. I really do. FavoriteHeadache, This is different. If a man comes out and tells you want the deal is...that is great. It is on you. If you are smart, you wont get to involve. In my situation, I cant honestly say he lied...But I can say he changed. He really thought he was leaving. I thought he was leaving but as time went on, he really did not want to do for different reason. Yes I totally got sucked in because we got really close and had alot in common and was doing stuff together talking about the future. Once he told me he was changing and feeling different. I should have left him alone. But hey that is where I screwed up. I understand. I hope you'll be ok (in fact I'm sure you will be). We don't decide (not always) who we end up falling in love with. Sometimes we just have to take it on the chin and bear it and move on.
Shades of Grey Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 PS: Back to the thread. 9lives I know exactly how you feel because I feel exactly the same. I want to get over my pain too but feel powerless to overcome it.
bish Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 When my wife confessed to me...then went to work and told xMM that she told me and that it was over... he said "You did what!...you told him?...you ruined everything!" if that dont say it.... maybe this does...in the context of if she told his wife the comment was made along the lines of...."If she ever found out I would deny you.....make it seem like it was you". not so much in those exact words...but the same context. Of course this hurt my wife.....made her angry. Your wife was hurt by what her OM said? Tough shi!t
Author 9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 [ I understand. I hope you'll be ok (in fact I'm sure you will be). We don't decide (not always) who we end up falling in love with. Sometimes we just have to take it on the chin and bear it and move on. Yes I will be okay as time goes on. I have to. He will be back calling and wanting my attention but this time....I aint having it. Right now, it has been only 2 days since I have heard from him..we spent his birthday weekend kicking it and sexing it...so he good right now.
bish Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 You're right, I am only speaking from my situation. But speaking from a man's point of view, if I were going to leave my wife I would do it whether or not there was an OW. In other words, I'd be a liar if I kept telling my OW that I was going to leave my wife. Whaddya mean "I'd be a liar if...." You cheated on your wife. You ARE a liar. I personally wouldn't do that to OW. Let me get this straight. You think its wrong to "lie" to the OW, but you feel entitled to cheat on your wife? Truly amazing the way a cheater's brain works....or should I say doesn't work.
ThumbingMyWay Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Your wife was hurt by what her OM said? Tough shi!t clarification... more angry than anything. IMO to a woman...the emotion side of the affair seems more real than to the male. In my wifes case...IMO...the guy played the part to get his cake.... and when the bottomed dropped out she saw the truth...hence the anger for letting him in...and getting dupped.... I guess what I am saying is.... affairs arent always what they seem to be.....when your in it...you are in fog land...and once the smoke clears and you can SEE from all sides....the truth is ugly and painful
overandout Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Not sure how relevant this is but for he first time in several months I drove along a major road which passes my xmm's house in order to buy a lawnmower at the store. I bought a lawnmower and I was going to drive back to my house a different way so that I didn't pass his house, but an accident had just happened and the road was blocked.So I had to drive back past his house. As I was approaching his cul de sac, xmm's wife pulled across the road and parked outside her house. What are the chances of that happening? I do admit to slowing down (she doesn't know me although I think she suspected him of having an affair) and he would resume if I let him. I have seen her once before in a local store with him years ago, and I left the store without xmm seeing me and didn't even tell him I had been in the store. This time she looked different; she was gaunt and her hair was bedraggled and she had obviously lost alot of weight. She may be ill (I don't know as I am not in touch with xmm) or she may have other worries OR she may know that her husband is still not 100% committed to the marriage. I don't know. It just makes you think that's all, whereas xmm probably looks as healthy as a bean if I ever saw him! I do think affairs can continue to have an effect on all concerned months maybe years after they are "over". I agree that men can compartmentalise things, but they can't fail to realise the effect the affair has/had, as they live with the bs on a daily basis. They obviously focus on their marriage rather than wondering about the OW and it is their self defence mechanism which makes them act like they couldn't care a less. They cannot afford to look as if they have feelings for the OW so they put the shutters up. They certainly put self preservation at the top of their list of things to do for the day
Suede O'Nim Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 While it's not officially over because there's been no pronouncement as such, it's been a couple years since I've been physical with the woman I was having an affair with. Prior to that, there were years of scant physical or emotional interaction. In those lulls I was devastated by the apparent lack of effect this had on her. I didn't stop things, she did, while not acknowledging that this was the case. And since I don't really want it to be over I'm not going to push her into a corner to really say it. Of course I understand her perspective of seeing no future in our affair. Both of us are married and neither of us intends to leave our spouses. And I understand that after the initial rush faded and I became more of a clinging annoyance than an attraction she would display no disappointment about letting things fade. But it really depressed me even though it was all logical.
Author 9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 I agree that men can compartmentalise things, but they can't fail to realise the effect the affair has/had, as they live with the bs on a daily basis. They obviously focus on their marriage rather than wondering about the OW and it is their self defence mechanism which makes them act like they couldn't care a less. They cannot afford to look as if they have feelings for the OW so they put the shutters up. They certainly put self preservation at the top of their list of things to do for the day On your post you said you saw the w.....way to much for me. Cant handle that. He can act like that all he wants. I know I am not that easy to forget. I am weak right now so my mindset is off a bit but we shared alot together. He cant just switch like that.
BurriedAlive Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 You know, if I didn't know any better, your MM sounds like my xMM. I used to get angry at him when we tried to break up and he said exactly what yours said "Just because I am not showing it on the outside doesn't mean I am not hurting." But the other posters here are right. When you are caught up in the A, an OW has a tendency to only see what she wants to. I only seen the signs that he loved me and would eventually leave W for me in spite of the fact that he always told me he would not leave. I just couldn't understand why someone would stay in a marriage for other reasons than love. I mean I would do anything to have a man in my life that I loved as much as xMM and to have someone love me back like that would be heaven. But in the end I don't think that Love was a priority in my xMM's life and he obviously didn't care about me very much given the horrible way our relationship ended. For those who don't know, he confessed to W that we had a 2 time fling after she got an anonymous email and then had his partner fire me from work a few weeks later. In the end MM will always protect MM. If he doesn't want W to leave after D-day then he will do whatever it takes to get her to stay. Anyway, stay strong, it gets better, little by little. My wounds are still there and they still bleed but the bleeding is much less than 2 months ago.
FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 [ I understand. I hope you'll be ok (in fact I'm sure you will be). We don't decide (not always) who we end up falling in love with. Sometimes we just have to take it on the chin and bear it and move on. Yes I will be okay as time goes on. I have to. He will be back calling and wanting my attention but this time....I aint having it. Right now, it has been only 2 days since I have heard from him..we spent his birthday weekend kicking it and sexing it...so he good right now. Yeah, I haven't spken with OW for about a month now. I still think about her all of the time.
BurriedAlive Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Yeah, I haven't spken with OW for about a month now. I still think about her all of the time. Did you love her, FavoriteHeadache?
Author 9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Yes I will be okay as time goes on. I have to. He will be back calling and wanting my attention but this time....I aint having it. Right now, it has been only 2 days since I have heard from him..we spent his birthday weekend kicking it and sexing it...so he good right now. Yeah, I haven't spken with OW for about a month now. I still think about her all of the time. FavoriteHeadache it is refreshing to talk get a man point of view so thanks for your input. At the end of the day, though it hurts...I am happy to be out the situation. I feel like it is his loss truthfully. He is still stuck in that marriage and I have a chance for a fresh start. We had a good relationship. I just couldnt accept the marriage thing cause he told me he was leaving. Then wanted to think and think and think...then...I dont know...I dont know. Then well go ahead and leave. So he was ready to end the relationship I assume. Maybe that is why he handling it this way. He use to flip out when I wanted to leave. Your thoughts?
Love is Tragic Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Im sortof in the same situation as you, except you at least got some closure out of the deal, and ive yet to get that from MM. I havent heard from him in 2months(used to talk everyday), even after he promised he wouldnt just dissapear, that if he wanted to end things, he would tell me. I guess i shouldnt expect much, but it still hurts me. Especially when we were so close, we told each other everything, and i thought we had a connection. So just like you, i am wondering, and its driving me crazy. Maybe he just got bored, or has someone new, or could just be hiding his emotions from you so it wont hurt him as much. When my MM hid things from me and seemed emotionless, i found out later on that he acted that way so that he could protect himself from what he was feeling inside. It still sucks though, that men cant just come right out and be honest about opinions and feelings instead of acting like *******s about it.
Author 9Lives Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 Love is Tragic I am soooo sorry you did not get closure. I talked to my xmm everyday as well and we were close so that would have killed me. Think of it this way: YOUR LIFE WITH HIM WHILE HE IS MARRIED WILL ALWAYS INCLUDE PAIN. How much longer do you really want to suffer over this type of R? If you guys talked everyday and then he walked away I know he has been suffering too. He probably could not say good bye. I bet that was it. See this path with a MM is full of emotional distraught. You are free baby!! free!!! It cost you something to be free. When you are with them you are in their world and it is hard and we shouldnt have to suffer like that with love. It hurts.
Love is Tragic Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Thanks 9 Lives, i appreciate the input. Yes, i am free in a way, free from sneaking around on my husband, free from worrying what MM is thinking, free from so many things. Although it doesnt make it suck any less. Even if we were never lovers, i would still miss him and want some type of closure. We had that closeness that two great friends share. I am trying to move on, but it seems like everyday not hearing from him just gets more and more difficult. I know that i got myself into this situation, and i accept full responsibility, but its still so hard. Thanks for listening!
myblue_heaven Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Not sure how relevant this is but for he first time in several months I drove along a major road which passes my xmm's house in order to buy a lawnmower at the store. I bought a lawnmower and I was going to drive back to my house a different way so that I didn't pass his house, but an accident had just happened and the road was blocked.So I had to drive back past his house. As I was approaching his cul de sac, xmm's wife pulled across the road and parked outside her house. What are the chances of that happening? I do admit to slowing down (she doesn't know me although I think she suspected him of having an affair) and he would resume if I let him. I have seen her once before in a local store with him years ago, and I left the store without xmm seeing me and didn't even tell him I had been in the store. This time she looked different; she was gaunt and her hair was bedraggled and she had obviously lost alot of weight. She may be ill (I don't know as I am not in touch with xmm) or she may have other worries OR she may know that her husband is still not 100% committed to the marriage. I don't know. It just makes you think that's all, whereas xmm probably looks as healthy as a bean if I ever saw him! She probably looks that way because of the hell she deals with with the jerk H she's M to. I feel for her and don't even know her.
Author 9Lives Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Thanks 9 Lives, i appreciate the input. Yes, i am free in a way, free from sneaking around on my husband, free from worrying what MM is thinking, free from so many things. Although it doesnt make it suck any less. Even if we were never lovers, i would still miss him and want some type of closure. We had that closeness that two great friends share. I am trying to move on, but it seems like everyday not hearing from him just gets more and more difficult. I know that i got myself into this situation, and i accept full responsibility, but its still so hard. Thanks for listening! Girl I'm tell you ...my heart is bleeding for you cause I would have totally been very hurt like you are if he would have walk away like that. That was not fair. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. Again, just think of the pain....YOU dont have to deal with it anymore. Alot of it. But what you have to do is not get caught up anymore.....Respect the love you once shared and Respect that he is STILL MARRIED...walk away before the pain will double.
woe_is_me Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I know my xMM loved/loves me but i also know that if he loved me enough he would leave/have left his marriage.
Author 9Lives Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 I know my xMM loved/loves me but i also know that if he loved me enough he would leave/have left his marriage. Yeah, that is the big pill to swallow. :( I'm hurt by that. Why even get me involved in this. No more. I am reading this book called "THE AFFAIR IS OVER"...Good book
Freedom Now Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 When my xMM and I broke up, I was devastated. It took me virtually a year to recover emotionally. And it didn't help that he still continued to contact me sporatically in that year's time.... He still contacts me to this day and still wants to see me.... But he can't have me. I am no longer interested in him in the manner he wants me to be.... My point is this: I realized that I deserved better than his treatment and that I wanted a man who WANTED me...not a man who wanted me when it was "bad" at home. That is just crap. Hold your head up, ladies. You are deeply missable. And some man out there will be so glad that you are free from these toxic relationships. And some man will want you and only you. And that is the way true love is supposed to be! All my best.... FN
overandout Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I know my xMM loved/loves me but i also know that if he loved me enough he would leave/have left his marriage. Yeap, how right you are. That is the bottom line. At the end of the day he if he really truly loved me, then he would want to be with me and only me. He shouldn't be able to bear climbing into bed with anyone else. He was disrespecting me when he was happy to continue seeing me on a part time basis.
overandout Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 When my xMM and I broke up, I was devastated. It took me virtually a year to recover emotionally. And it didn't help that he still continued to contact me sporatically in that year's time.... He still contacts me to this day and still wants to see me.... But he can't have me. I am no longer interested in him in the manner he wants me to be.... My point is this: I realized that I deserved better than his treatment and that I wanted a man who WANTED me...not a man who wanted me when it was "bad" at home. That is just crap. Hold your head up, ladies. You are deeply missable. And some man out there will be so glad that you are free from these toxic relationships. And some man will want you and only you. And that is the way true love is supposed to be! All my best.... FN Again, FN great post. It would be relatively easy to get back into the affair, but I just know that it wouldn't work (for me anyway). I would resent him for being content to see me and share intimate moments and then go and probably do the same at home. Just how special was I? Not all that! True love means he would put himself in a position where we would have an exclusive, public relationship--kids or no kids.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 And some man will want you and only you. And that is the way true love is supposed to be! From your lips to God's ears...
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