9Lives Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Guys....please dont beat up on me too much...I need you all. This is a dumb thing I am experiencing but please try to understand my feelings. my xmm is acting like he dont care that we are not together anymore and that is bothering me. He asked me to spend his birthday weekend with him as a good time and a good bye at the same time. We have a pretty good time but we did get into it a little bit. He told me that he is not going to walk around mooping and all that. I asked him how he can be like so non emotional about it. Well it was just this last weekend and it really hasnt been that long. Just a couple of days so maybe I am tripping. But it bugs me because I wish he was missing me instead of acting like it is no big deal. In the past he has never acted like that. Any thoughts?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Yeah, as a MM who is having an affair, he is a pro at compartmentalizing as a coping mechanism. He doesn't have to greive because he can just walk into another compartment, that's what allowed him to have the affair in the first place. The difference is that he was you ALL and you were a PART. Men in general have a pretty easy time compartmenatalizing areas of their life.
IpAncA Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Yeah, as a MM who is having an affair, he is a pro at compartmentalizing as a coping mechanism. He doesn't have to greive because he can just walk into another compartment, that's what allowed him to have the affair in the first place. The difference is that he was you ALL and you were a PART. Men in general have a pretty easy time compartmenatalizing areas of their life. Yep. He gets to go back to his marriage leaving you Lives, out to dry. It's quite crappy what MM do isn't it? Maybe he and his W have decided to work things out.
bish Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 He is acting like he doesn't care because he is probably relieved it is over. He started with you because it was new and exciting. So it just simply isn't new and exciting anymore. This is the cheater for you. It should come as no surprise.
NeverLate Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Its funny you guys seem to think that MM have the market cornered on not caring. My xOW so did this to me. She decided it was time to go back and make nice with H so she went and didnt care what that did to me. She is the cold and unfeeling one who comparmentalizes her feelings. She shut me out completely leaving me to pick up the pieces of my life. Well I have and Im doing better than ever no thanks to the xOW. So please all of you out there dont think for a minute that this kind of behavior is restricted to men... NL
myblue_heaven Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 It's a given both sexes are capable of this behavior. They (MMs/MWs)start out the A with selfish purposes and they end the A selfishly. it's really all about them from beginning to end anyway. As one poster mentioned above. It should come as no surprise.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 It is absolutely about them from beginning to end. At no time do they act in a way that put anyone elses wellbeing first. MM/MW does this because he can, I believe MM/MW loves neither. They only know self love.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 You know he cared about you at some point, but now it's over and he's chosen to move on. Don't let it get to you. Have your moments, then let it go, keep busy and hang with friends that know and care about you to keep you laughing and distracted.
Tomcat33 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 While I agree with the rest of the posters who said that men in affairs tend to compartmentalize their emotions in order to pull off their affairs and still face their marriages I would also like to add that men in general have a natural ability to switch gears from love to friend mode or to ex mode far easier than women do. For the simple fact that we are more in tune with our feelings we tend to let those feelings linger when we need to move on from a relationship, where as men can just snap themselves out of it almost systematically. So while you take it as a direct insult that he never cared or never felt anything for you while that may or may not be the truth the reality is that his exterior hides a lot more than he wants you to see. It appears that once a guy decides he is done with something he simply changes hats and away he goes to tackle the next "job" or in this case relationship.
Author 9Lives Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Yeah, as a MM who is having an affair, he is a pro at compartmentalizing as a coping mechanism. He doesn't have to greive because he can just walk into another compartment, that's what allowed him to have the affair in the first place. The difference is that he was you ALL and you were a PART. Men in general have a pretty easy time compartmenatalizing areas of their life. Yeah this sounds the most truthful. He said he knows how to block things out. So I guess that is it. He told me that "This aint going no where because he has so many problems" I know for a true fact..he was not trying to be cold or ugly. He just has alot going on and I am not very understanding to be truthful. Finances and whatnot. He said he was tired. Thanks for your input.
Author 9Lives Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 While I agree with the rest of the posters who said that men in affairs tend to compartmentalize their emotions in order to pull off their affairs and still face their marriages I would also like to add that men in general have a natural ability to switch gears from love to friend mode or to ex mode far easier than women do. For the simple fact that we are more in tune with our feelings we tend to let those feelings linger when we need to move on from a relationship, where as men can just snap themselves out of it almost systematically. So while you take it as a direct insult that he never cared or never felt anything for you while that may or may not be the truth the reality is that his exterior hides a lot more than he wants you to see. It appears that once a guy decides he is done with something he simply changes hats and away he goes to tackle the next "job" or in this case relationship. Yeah he said that too meaning just because you cant see it...does not mean that he is not going thru anything. So I guess that is just the way it is. I cant just act like I dont feel anything after almost 3 years. I asked him how he can just turn his self off like that...he said he just tries not think about it cause he does not want to be down. So I guess
stillhere Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I understand your thought process, we all have gone through it. In an A, you still love the other person (usually) but you've reached a point where you just couldn't take it anymore. MM is NOT good at compartmentalizing. Most guys are good at it, but he's not. He's broke down and cried in front of his W (when i broke up with him) and she never once asked him what was wrong. This man never cries, so i'm not sure what she was thinking. If we are fighting, he mopes around, withdraws and can't sleep. He did tell me he didn't want to speak to me anymore when i broke up with him. He pushed me away. He pretended like he didn't care. Not even an hour later, he was calling and telling me he loves me and he won't let me walk away. He will make the changes necessary to keep me in his life. So, even though some guys have mastered the art of compartmentalizing, some haven't. It's a defense mechanism, and although his heart may be breaking, he can't show you he's weak. Men aren't supposed to be weak.
ridingthebulls Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 He doesn't allow himself to grow attached to his mistresses. He uses them for what he wants and afterwards disposes of them. Isn't this how most men are? You lost more respect just by giving him a "good-bye" weekend.. doesn't sound like he deserved it.
myblue_heaven Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 If he isn't going to respect his W by staying faithful to her, he's not going to stay faithful to the OW and stay with her, giving up his M. This is not to say in all cases between MM/OW, but it's got a huge % backing it.
Author 9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 He doesn't allow himself to grow attached to his mistresses. He uses them for what he wants and afterwards disposes of them. Isn't this how most men are? You lost more respect just by giving him a "good-bye" weekend.. doesn't sound like he deserved it. I dont agree with what you said 100% because FOR THE MOST PART..the man treated me well. So I really cant receive it. But in a way, I do agree that maybe I should have let it alone instead of doing the weekend thing. It jacked me up. Was dont good until then kinda...everyone was helping me get my strength back and now I am drained again. But it has only been a couple of days. Not even a week and I am feeling really bad
bish Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I dont agree with what you said 100% because FOR THE MOST PART..the man treated me well. Well of course he did. He's smart. Do you think he would have gotten anywhere with you if he treated you like a piece of shi!t? This is what jerks and a$sholes do, they tell you what you want to hear to get in your pants. Then later, when the newness has worn off, they move on.
ThumbingMyWay Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 When my wife confessed to me...then went to work and told xMM that she told me and that it was over... he said "You did what!...you told him?...you ruined everything!" if that dont say it.... maybe this does...in the context of if she told his wife the comment was made along the lines of...."If she ever found out I would deny you.....make it seem like it was you". not so much in those exact words...but the same context. Of course this hurt my wife.....made her angry. Knowing she gave alot to this MM...and when the truth comes out....the truth colors come out to exactly what this was....an affair for emotion for my wife...and cake for the MM. once the gig was up....he turned... I know not all affairs are like this...but I read here everyday....how the OW belives all the lies...but when the A comes to an end...the MM typically turns it off....in our case...my wife was nothing more than cake for him....but she didnt believe it....cause of all the things he told her.... well.....dont belive everything the Mm tells you....he will save his own ass first when the bomb drops....
Author 9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 When my wife confessed to me...then went to work and told xMM that she told me and that it was over... he said "You did what!...you told him?...you ruined everything!" if that dont say it.... maybe this does...in the context of if she told his wife the comment was made along the lines of...."If she ever found out I would deny you.....make it seem like it was you". not so much in those exact words...but the same context. Of course this hurt my wife.....made her angry. Knowing she gave alot to this MM...and when the truth comes out....the truth colors come out to exactly what this was....an affair for emotion for my wife...and cake for the MM. once the gig was up....he turned... I know not all affairs are like this...but I read here everyday....how the OW belives all the lies...but when the A comes to an end...the MM typically turns it off....in our case...my wife was nothing more than cake for him....but she didnt believe it....cause of all the things he told her.... well.....dont belive everything the Mm tells you....he will save his own ass first when the bomb drops.... WEll I guess. I just want to get over the pain. It is wearing me out.
TogetherForever Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Hey Thumbing, I absolutely love your avatar!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to butt in here.
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Then choose not to let this ruin you. Have your moments when you cry and feel sad, but do NOT let it kill your heart. Try to keep busy, be around those who truely DO care for you and are a part of your daily life. Easier said than done, but you gotta try. If you can string together afew good days, it will make you feel better...
FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I honestly don't understand what people expect. Of course if you fool around with a married man or woman it will almost always eventually end in a bad way. The relationship isn't going to work! How could it ever work? The chances are that it will not. These things are always a temporary thing seems to me. I suppose a lot depends upon how you look at things while you are involved in it. If you realize that it is temporary the pain won't be as bad when it's over. But if you allow yourself to get sucked-in and believe that it is more than it is you will pay a heavier price in the end. OW and me always knew it was temporary. I told her time and time again that it was and she knew it yet she didn't care and wanted to live for the moment. I even told her that eventually somehow her h would find out and he did. What I never understood was why she wanted to stay with him (after I knew what he was like). I still don't understand that part. I guess it was because of guilt that she wanted to stay with the jerk. It wasn't that I wanted to be with her because she knew I would never leave my wife, it was just that she really was in a terrible marriage. She needs to dump his ass and move on but I don't think she has the strength to do so. But anyway, I am shocked that anyone would find it strange that an affair with a married man or woman didn't work out. I really do.
Author 9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Then choose not to let this ruin you. Have your moments when you cry and feel sad, but do NOT let it kill your heart. Try to keep busy, be around those who truely DO care for you and are a part of your daily life. Easier said than done, but you gotta try. If you can string together afew good days, it will make you feel better... Im trying Whichwayisup....it's hard. My heart is aching that why. I am ready to make this change. I dont regret the decision. I just have to go thru this I suppose. I wish i could be like him.
Shades of Grey Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 "But anyway, I am shocked that anyone would find it strange that an affair with a married man or woman didn't work out. I really do." That's because you are only basing your comments on your own situation. You were always very clear that your A was a temporary thing and never had any intentions of leaving your W. You also ensured that your MW knew this. However what if you did want to leave your w? What if your life with her was truely unbearable. What if you found that your feelings for this women were too intense to ignore? There are many many different situations involving mm/mw. Many have no intentions of leaving but still pretend that they do in order to keep the A going. However many truthfully do want to leave their marriage and that might be one reason why the affairs began. Many disclose all of their feelings of wanting to leave to the OW. Some actually do, some choose for whatever reasons not to these are reasons why it can be difficult to accept the ending of the relationship for the OW. What I am saying is that there is no black and white. Every situation is different and may not relate on any level to yours.
Author 9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 OW and me always knew it was temporary. I told her time and time again that it was and she knew it yet she didn't care and wanted to live for the moment. I even told her that eventually somehow her h would find out and he did. What I never understood was why she wanted to stay with him (after I knew what he was like). I still don't understand that part. I guess it was because of guilt that she wanted to stay with the jerk. It wasn't that I wanted to be with her because she knew I would never leave my wife, it was just that she really was in a terrible marriage. She needs to dump his ass and move on but I don't think she has the strength to do so. But anyway, I am shocked that anyone would find it strange that an affair with a married man or woman didn't work out. I really do. FavoriteHeadache, This is different. If a man comes out and tells you want the deal is...that is great. It is on you. If you are smart, you wont get to involve. In my situation, I cant honestly say he lied...But I can say he changed. He really thought he was leaving. I thought he was leaving but as time went on, he really did not want to do for different reason. Yes I totally got sucked in because we got really close and had alot in common and was doing stuff together talking about the future. Once he told me he was changing and feeling different. I should have left him alone. But hey that is where I screwed up.
FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 "But anyway, I am shocked that anyone would find it strange that an affair with a married man or woman didn't work out. I really do." That's because you are only basing your comments on your own situation. You were always very clear that your A was a temporary thing and never had any intentions of leaving your W. You also ensured that your MW knew this. However what if you did want to leave your w? What if your life with her was truely unbearable. What if you found that your feelings for this women were too intense to ignore? There are many many different situations involving mm/mw. Many have no intentions of leaving but still pretend that they do in order to keep the A going. However many truthfully do want to leave their marriage and that might be one reason why the affairs began. Many disclose all of their feelings of wanting to leave to the OW. Some actually do, some choose for whatever reasons not to these are reasons why it can be difficult to accept the ending of the relationship for the OW. What I am saying is that there is no black and white. Every situation is different and may not relate on any level to yours. You're right, I am only speaking from my situation. But speaking from a man's point of view, if I were going to leave my wife I would do it whether or not there was an OW. In other words, I'd be a liar if I kept telling my OW that I was going to leave my wife. I personally wouldn't do that to OW. I just believe in being up-front about stuff. My affair wasn't planned and I never thought anything like that would ever happen especially after I told OW time and time again that what we were doing could never work. She knew it couldn't but didn't care. She did what she had to at the time and I suppose it was worth it to her. We miss each others friendship but I'm sure she's moving on with things by now. What choice does she have? Even if does end up getting a divorce we can't continue on and she knows that. I would still be happy to talk with her on the phone and stuff (now and then) but other than that it's over and it just cannot be. It was never about sex to begin with and I always guarded my heart and kept things REAL in my mind so that I wouldn't get all messed up and I tried to get her to do the same. She said as it was ending, "what am I going to do now?" I told her to move on and stay occupied. I miss her and wish I could help her but it's better to end it cold-turkey than any other way because in the long run it is easier on us both.
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