Not_That_Innocent Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Some of you may have read my posts about “Smooth Lou.” We’ve hung out a couple of times. He seems like a super sweet guy. I was worried about him being a player because he’s a bartender but more and more he doesn’t strike me as that kind of guy. He has an ex that he admitted to me that he still sees. No big deal. I’m not looking for a relationship, just a friend and some casual fun. Now some of you are going to think badly about me because of this, but oh well. I want to be upfront so you guys can try and help me. I slept with him … yes … already. The moment was right, I felt comfortable and I wanted it. It was amazing! He has incredible stamina and kept things going throughout the night. This happened Sunday night. Monday morning when I woke up all these things were going through my mind like OMG, what did I do? He told me before how everyone thinks I’m hot so I worried that he would view it as a conquest and run back to the bar and tell everybody that he bagged me. Although I was worried about it I tried to remember that the experience itself was great and that ultimately all I wanted was meaningless sex. He was still asleep as I was up thinking about all of this. The first thing he says to me when he woke up was “Good morning, beautiful.” That made me feel so much better. As I was leaving he asked me to give him a call or send him a text message later in the day. I sent him a text asking how his day was going. He text me back that he was thinking about me and enjoyed being with me. That made me feel better as well. I get off work at 9:00 and he knows that so by 11:00 I hadn’t heard from him. I sent him a text saying I hope his day went well. He sent one back almost immediately that said “Hello, beautiful.” I sent him one back that said “You are so sweet.” That’s where it ended, he didn’t text anything after that. I know that men like to be chased but also like the thrill of chasing a woman. I don’t want to come on too strong so I’m not going to contact again. I’m just going to see what he does. I don’t get the impression from him that he won’t call again or that he will go back to the bar and brag about things. Although I thought that way in a panic, the more I think about it he has presented himself as a genuine upfront guy. If he doesn’t want to see me anymore I truly believe that he would tell me that and not play games. But then again, I have that small level of doubt. I told him upfront that I was just looking for a friend and a little fun. He said he was totally cool with that, so at least he knows I’m not trying to get in a relationship with him. Hopefully, that makes him feel more comfortable Did I totally mess things up? Do you think he will call me again? I know I shouldn’t have given it up so soon, but hey – women get horny too! What should I do besides back off and wait and see what happens. What if he calls me and wants to hook up – should I do it, or should I play the game and act like it doesn’t really matter to me? Did I mess up? Please be honest, but don’t be brutal, ok?
doiask42much Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 If he does think you're hot and enjoyed being with you, he will call you again. Why wouldn't he? It may take a while, though, like when he next is bored/horny. I don't think that's the worry here, whether he will call back or not. (I am almost certain he will.) I think it's more...you seem pretty worried about how he feels about you for someone who isn't looking for a relationship. You may have misled him (and yourself) by saying this to him. Guys will take it as a free pass if you give it to them. For someone who's just looking for meaningless sex, you act like a woman who wants more. That could potentially confuse him or make him think you don't mean what you say, on other things as well. I think you need to figure out what you REALLY want, not what you think he wants to hear to feel comfortable having sex with you. In the meantime, don't stress too much. You both enjoyed yourselves and there's nothing wrong with that, whatever the final outcome is.
doiask42much Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Also, if you do want more than you claim you do, I would try to put on the brakes a bit so that you can find out what page he's on. Not easy, I know, but worth doing if you want to spare yourself from being hurt by abandonment. If you don't care though, I say sure, go ahead and do whatever your libido tells you to do when he calls.
Star Gazer Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 "Here we go again. Chicks get way too worked up over the timing of having sex. The truth is, if the guy's into you, it won't matter when you bumped uglies. Also, women whine about the lack of contact when they don't pick up the phone themselves. It's hypocritical. You can't expect something you're not willing to give yourself. :cool:" - Tanbark813
doiask42much Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Agreed. My two most serious bfs I've had, guy 1, we had sex on our first date, and guy 2, on our second date, if you could even call it a date. (It wasn't at all a date.) If he's into you he's into you, period. Doesn't matter about the whens or hows.
Author Not_That_Innocent Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 Thanks everyone for your advice. I appreciate your support. Lou and I got together again a few days after I posted this message. We had a long talk. He asked why he had not heard from me and I told him I was wondering the why I hadn't heard from him. I told him that I didn't want to chase him because that feels like too much of a game. He said that he hadn't been in touch because he doesn't want to get his feelings involved. Later on in the conversation he told me that if he was in his 20's that he would swear that he is in love with me, but because he's older and knows what love feels like he knows that he's not. He told me how perfect he thinks I am. How we can always be friends even if I'm with someone else. He told me how beautiful I am, how he enjoys me so much - just lots of really sweet stuff. He said none of his friends have anything bad to say about me and how they are always quick to give their opinion of his dates. By friends I guess he means his cousin, who I met once and his friend from the bar who happens to live a few doors down from me. I feel very safe with him. I appreciate the fact that he desires me but doesn't treat me like a sexual object like many of the men I meet. He's very emotionally mature - a quality I find missing in a lot of men. I spent the night with him and we had a good time. The next morning he was just as sweet and when he parted he asked if I would call. Later in the day I sent a text message saying how much I enjoy spending time with him. His response was I miss you, too. I didn't hear from him the rest of the day, but no big deal because I was at work anyway. Around 10:00 PM I decided to call him because I just wanted to hear his voice. Another thing he told me is that I can always call him just to talk. I called from my home phone, which I have never given to him. When he picked up I said "hi, it's me." He was like "Oh, hey." I said "Are you busy?" He said yes. I said "Okay, well call me later." He said "Where are you?" I told him that I was at home. He said okay and the conversation ended. This was Friday night. I haven't heard from his since. I sent him a text message late last night and he hasn't answered. I'm totally sick about it. I just don't understand how he can be so hot and cold. The last text he sent me said he missed me - so why won't he return my call or text messages. I just don't get it. Like I said before, I'm okay with just a friendship. But I like this guy and I care what he thinks about me. I want him to like me, too. I guess that's why I was so hung up on the sex thing and why it matters that he hasn't called. I'm not going to call him or send him any more text messages. If he doesn't contact me I guess that's where it ends. It's just kind of sad because I don't know what happened to make him act like that. I don't understand the games men play. We had made plans to go out on a date today, but from the looks of it that's not going to happen. I'm so disappointed, but will get over it.
mental_traveller Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 This was Friday night. I haven't heard from his since. I sent him a text message late last night and he hasn't answered. I'm totally sick about it. I just don't understand how he can be so hot and cold. The last text he sent me said he missed me - so why won't he return my call or text messages. I just don't get it. Like I said before, I'm okay with just a friendship. But I like this guy and I care what he thinks about me. I want him to like me, too. I guess that's why I was so hung up on the sex thing and why it matters that he hasn't called. I'm not going to call him or send him any more text messages. If he doesn't contact me I guess that's where it ends. It's just kind of sad because I don't know what happened to make him act like that. I don't understand the games men play. We had made plans to go out on a date today, but from the looks of it that's not going to happen. I'm so disappointed, but will get over it. Oh come on, you are kidding, right? He has practically told you he doesn't want any emotional commitment, doesn't want to get feelings involved, and already you are pining after him because he doesn't call for a couple of days! He's pretty much spelled it out - he wants a bit of casual fun between consenting adults, with no strings attached, that's all. He's been totally clear about it, and after only a couple of meetings you are already expecting/demanding some kind of commitment from him. Time to snap out of your illusion! Either you decide that you are cool with a low-key friends-with-benefits thing, or you stop seeing him and forget about it. Also, maybe you could explain to us why you are expecting anything more than sex and the occasional chat with this guy, when he has pretty much told you that is all he wants?
Author Not_That_Innocent Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Oh come on, you are kidding, right? He has practically told you he doesn't want any emotional commitment, doesn't want to get feelings involved, and already you are pining after him because he doesn't call for a couple of days! He's pretty much spelled it out - he wants a bit of casual fun between consenting adults, with no strings attached, that's all. He's been totally clear about it, and after only a couple of meetings you are already expecting/demanding some kind of commitment from him. Time to snap out of your illusion! Either you decide that you are cool with a low-key friends-with-benefits thing, or you stop seeing him and forget about it. Also, maybe you could explain to us why you are expecting anything more than sex and the occasional chat with this guy, when he has pretty much told you that is all he wants? Because I'm the type of person when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. When I ask someone to do something I expect them to do it. He asked me to call, so is it too far fetched to think that when I did call that he would return my call? We were supposed to meet up on Sunday. Is it too far fetched to that if he didn't want to he would tell me that? That's not demanding a commitment, it's just and expectation that a he's going to do what he says or let me know otherwise. Why the mixed messages? If he doesn't miss me then he should stop telling me that. Otherwise, I expect him to at least return my phone calls. I don't think that's asking for too much. And if you read my posts carefully, you would see that I was the one who told him that I am looking for a friend and a little fun. Is it wrong to think that a friend would at least return a phone call???? I should add that I did text him one more time to ask if we were getting together. He finally sent one back saying sorry that he had to go out of town and would be back today. He ended the message with "Miss You Lots" so I guess I'll just chalk it up to him being a busy guy and when he wants to talk he will.
lonelybird Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 – women get horny too! Yes, but you have to hold back. Women tend to be more vulnerable after sex. If you deny it, it is like you deny air exists. Have sex earlier: you two didn't develop deep connection yet, man can easily move on; but most women linger. Usually if you sleep with man on the first date, what would they think? Even if you don't do this thing before, but he doesn't know you well, it is easily for him to think that you usually sleep around no matter what you say about you. Action speaks louder. and this pattern is not for a good long term relationship. I just don't understand how he can be so hot and cold. It is easy to understand. Man needs same thing as women: love. They may not think a girl who sleep with him on the first date as a long term relationship material. yes, it is a good leason. unless he knows you well and long enough to change his original view of you, and both of you changed. Like I said before, I'm okay with just a friendship. But I like this guy and I care what he thinks about me. I want him to like me, too. I guess that's why I was so hung up on the sex thing and why it matters that he hasn't called. If you like him, you don't sleep with him earlier. SEX cannot make a man love you.
lonelybird Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 And if you read my posts carefully, you would see that I was the one who told him that I am looking for a friend and a little fun. . But this won't make YOU are the one in control of situation. It is you who want more, not him. You said this first, made you feel like you are in control, but really don't. I know you are afraid of this will happen that after sleeping with him he will say this to you, so you said this before he mention. Do you see? in your mind, you already decided whole thing how to happen. Do you want to be happy? Please change your thinking pattern, it is self-destructive. If you want to be in control, you only can control yourself: not sleep with them earlier. I think you know in your heart just my two cents
Author Not_That_Innocent Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 But this won't make YOU are the one in control of situation. It is you who want more, not him. You said this first, made you feel like you are in control, but really don't. I know you are afraid of this will happen that after sleeping with him he will say this to you, so you said this before he mention. Do you see? in your mind, you already decided whole thing how to happen. Do you want to be happy? Please change your thinking pattern, it is self-destructive. If you want to be in control, you only can control yourself: not sleep with them earlier. I think you know in your heart just my two cents I posted this earlier, but wasn't logged in so it may appear again under the Guest user name - Anyway ... Something you should know is that I am currently separated from my husband. That is why I told him upfront I wanted something casual because I don't know where my marriage will end up. I want a friendship, a closeness, but that is as far as it can go. It will never be a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, at least not right now. Yes, I want to be happy, just not sure who with. More in the guest post.
lonelybird Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I posted this earlier, but wasn't logged in so it may appear again under the Guest user name - Anyway ... Something you should know is that I am currently separated from my husband. That is why I told him upfront I wanted something casual because I don't know where my marriage will end up. I want a friendship, a closeness, but that is as far as it can go. It will never be a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, at least not right now. Yes, I want to be happy, just not sure who with. More in the guest post. so you don't love your husband anymore? or bored to be with your husband?
Author Not_That_Innocent Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 so you don't love your husband anymore? or bored to be with your husband? I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. We were together thirteen years and in those years things needed to change, but he was unwilling to do his part in changing them. I shouldn't say unwilling, he just didn't know how. I built up a lot of resentment toward him because of it, which eventually got to the point I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him anymore. We seperated and things have gotten a tiny bit better but we still aren't where we both know we need to be. Don't get me wrong, everything is not all his fault. There are things I need to change as well. At this point he knows there is a chance we may not get back together, but he's trying hard to win me back. Lou knows everything as far as my husband goes and understands that is why I can't be in a "relationship."
monkey00 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 You probably dont want to hear this, but the moment you had sex with him - everything came crashing down. If what you wanted was a friendship, then you shouldnt have had sex. Throwing sex into the equation doesnt add up, unless if you decide to pursue things further. If I was the guy, I would probably be doing the same. Keeping a good distance since we arent exactly friends, nor are we a couple or dating. Keeping in contact too much can mean emotional investment.
Aloros Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I'm really confused reading your posts, so I can't imagine how you feel! On one hand you say you don't want a relationship, just some fun, and you have good reasons, but your actions tell an entirely different story. If you don't want a relationship, you shouldn't be worrying about when he's going to call or what he says. He's just a little good company on the side. No worries, right? You're at a really difficult time in your life and I don't think you need this additional confusion. Get out with your girl friends, go learn a new skill or hobby. Be busy enough so you don't even have to think about when he's going to contact you next. I hope this helps, and take care!
Author Not_That_Innocent Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Thanks everyone for your thoughts and concerns. You help me understand how confused he must be by the mixed messages I am sending. Before your responses, I didn't really see it that way, but now I understand. I think the mixed messages scare him. On one hand he says he's okay with just hanging out, but then when we are intimate it draws him closer than he knows we should be given the circumstance. He never called when he got back into town, but I text him the next day just to say good morning. He text back "Hey baby, I'm at the bmv will text you when I'm done." Yet he never did. It's just hard to understand why he does that, but I guess my mixed messsage make him give me mixed messages, too. I text him today to say Happy 4th and be safe. Never got a text back from him. Tried not to be disappointed realizing it's unfair to have expectations. I just think it's weird he says he misses me but doesn't answer back. I sent him that text early this morning. He called a little bit ago from work and left a message on my voicemail saying "I miss you so much and wish I could see your pretty face, but I'm at work. Call or text me." Huh??? I'm so confused, but sent him a text asking if it would be okay if I came into the bar to see him. He text me back immediately and said yes. ??? The only thing I can think is that he is afraid of his feelings ... I don't know, but as of now I'm going to stop putting so much thinking and feeling into it and just go into it as fun. If he calls he does, if he doesn't he doesn't. There's no reason to push for more since ultimately I don't want more. Thanks for your advice!!!
Recommended Posts