quiet1one1 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I've just finished reading After the Affair and wanted to pass along my recommendation to anyone (cheater or cheatee) going through the pain of infidelity. While I doubt that I will ever get to use what I learned from the book in the context of saving my M ~it may be too late for that~ I still got a lot out of it personally. It's helped me begin to understand and accept what happened and begin my recovery. I also think it will help me rebuild faith and pride in myself now and trust in whomever else stumbles into my life in the future.
smartgirl Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Janet Abrahms Springs was the author. A superior book. I marked passages when I first read it a year ago and I still go back to it from time to time. There are things you don't fully absorb at first. As you learn more, it is worth it to go back. One of the things that makes this book so good is the constructive emphasis on how to rebuild the marriage. O - I'm sorry to hear you don't think that part will be helpful to you. Is this all very new? I also recommend another book by the same author - "How do I forgive you." It is especially helpful in situations where the person who has hurt you is not doing much to earn your forgiveness.
Author quiet1one1 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 O - I'm sorry to hear you don't think that part will be helpful to you. Is this all very new? quote] No, it's not new. I've come to realize that the evil person my wife has become is not who I want to spend the best days of my life with. As I said, I continue to read these types of books to make a better me for me and the lucky gal that's waiting out there.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Nothing like when the fog lifts and you see them for who they are and not who they were. You start out fighting and then you see that if you win you loose.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I was just looking at reviews of the book, one said it constantly places blame on the BS??? If that's the case I don't think I can read it at this time?
Author quiet1one1 Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 IWWH, I read many of those same reviews and don't necessarily agree with them. I will say however that the book examines the A from both sides, the "unfaithful" partner and the "hurt" partner. It clearly placed the responsibility on the unfaithful side but it absolutely does not let the hurt partner off the hook or absolve them of their responsibility either before, during, and after the A. I thought it was fair and balanced. Keep in mind that the ideal audience for this book are couples who are in the early stages of discovery. Like me and my W, they are either struggling through deciding to try reconciliation or have already decided to give it a shot. I do think however that even people who have moved on from an A can get some things out of the book. In particular it was important to me to know that the things I'm doing and they way I'm feeling is completely normal and to be expected. Also for me the writer "pegged" how my childhood experiences of love led me to behave in a way as an adult that maybe contributed to what drove my W to cheat. The book never places the blame on me though - the unfaithful partner is always reminded that they are completely responsible. If you are the type of person who absolutely cannot accept anything but the idea that your WS is completely and totally at fault then it's not a book for you, yet.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I cannot accept responisibility for the 2 years after finding out he was having an affair (details all withheld) him promising he had straightened up, going to marraige counseling where he sat there and said HE was happy that I was the one who had problems, finding more evidence of the affair, being told I was crazy and ruining our marriage, filing for D, being begged back and accepting on two conditions (full disclosure and no drinking socially in bars rest ect.. without me there (which IS NO TREAT for me by the way) a year later he had not met those conditions but continued his on/off R with OW. I didn't cause that, he manipulated and verbally and emotionally abused while worrying about himself. I ACCEPT NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT. I did everything I could to rebuild during those 2 years and he accepted that He finally came around for full (?) disclosure last week and I'm one hundred times more devistated than D day. Why I can't seem to figure out????? But I ordered the book off line and have read the first 3 chapters. I expected to finish it within a few hours of getting it but I can't read more than a few lines at a time. THIS from someone who read novels in a few hours! So I'm trying to plunge through. The book is very good. It was nice to know that all of the crazy things I am experiencing are expected, I don't feel unjustly crazy atleast! Thanks for the recommendation!
Author quiet1one1 Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 The book is very good. It was nice to know that all of the crazy things I am experiencing are expected, I don't feel unjustly crazy atleast! I agree! It does help to know that how I'm feeling, reacting, and behaving are "normal". My W is reading it now...I'll be anxious to hear her opinion.
Lynna Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Thanks for the recommendation. Hearing multiple people, who I "know" praise the book is very helpful. I have been trying to figure out ways to deal with this on my own until I/we can get counseling. I have ordered it and can't wait till it comes in. I could really use it right now!
FireandIce Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Well I went out and got it the other night and have finished about half. It is a very interesting read but IMO a lot of it is common sense. It does help me realize that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling since finding out. Reading posts here at LS helps that as well though and it's free. LOL
RecoverMe Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 I also found "After the Affair" helpful in my recovery, which is still ongoing. She (Janis Abrams) also has written "How can I forgive you" which is not only about infidelity, but how to deal with forgiving. In all honesty I don't think you forgive right away, but you dole it out in little spoonfuls, for me over a very long time. It has been about a year now for me and I'm happy to say my h's affair is not the predominant thing in my head any more! That's progress. Needless to say, LS has been a big support as well.
Lynna Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Wow, Quietone, I cannot thank you enough for the book recommendation! I am only on page 22 and EVERYTHING makes SO MUCH more sense to me now. My reactions, my behavior, I am really getting a good perspective on me. My new insight is helping me to begin to have constructive thoughts on my M and on my future. It is helping me to begin to put my life in order. Thank you SO MUCH! I am also reading How Can I Forgive You? by the same author. That also is giving me perspective on everything. In just reading the first chapter I realized that after dday I only gave Cheap Forgiveness, I realized I have not fully dealt with the A and my feelings which led to our more recent problems. Now I can work on that as well. If anyone wants to have a discussion on either of these books, count me in! They are VERY insightful and VERY helpful.
FireandIce Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Lynna, "How Can I Forgive You?" does it deal with forgiving affairs or just forgiveness in general?
Lynna Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To - is a book about forgiveness in general. However, affairs are one of the major issues it does address. The book talks about different types of forgiveness, whether we "have" to forgive someone to get over being wronged, and what we and the other person need to do for true forgiveness to happen. But it also says that you DON'T have to forgive to get over it. We can move into a stage of acceptance that it happened, but are not obligated to forgive. That is a powerful thought. After reading just the first chapter, I realized that I had only given cheap forgiveness to my H after his A. My cheap forgiveness is part of what made it possible for him to stray again, among other things. Reading it is making me think about how I have been dealing, or in actuality NOT dealing with the A and how that is affecting me and US. There is a lot of work my H has to do, and things I have to do and examine as well to determine whether I can truly forgive him. So all in all, it is a good book about forgiveness in general and useful in dealing with whether to forgive after an A.
Author quiet1one1 Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 After reading just the first chapter, I realized that I had only given cheap forgiveness... I'm reading this now and I also did the Cheap Forgiveness path. I just wanted to patch things up and move on with life I guess. In the end however, I will probably end up at Acceptance because so far my W does not seem to grasp fully that what she did was wrong. Maybe she will someday... I'm only 1/3 of the way through How Can I Forgive You? and so far it's pretty good. It is only slightly slanted towards infidelity; it looks at all types of scenarios surrounding the need to forgive.
FireandIce Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Thanks for the info. I'll take a look for it next time I'm at the bookstore.
SueBee3490 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 O - I'm sorry to hear you don't think that part will be helpful to you. Is this all very new? quote] No, it's not new. I've come to realize that the evil person my wife has become is not who I want to spend the best days of my life with. As I said, I continue to read these types of books to make a better me for me and the lucky gal that's waiting out there. I sure understand you quiet1. I feel the same - the man I am currently married to is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's taken me a long time to come to this conclusion too. When I've had time to digest all he's done to betray and lie to me, it's not someone I think I can look forward to growing old with. I don't care how many excuses, justifications, etc. he gives me for doing what he did - I just can't take it. I think I may have read that book and have it bured somewhere (I've read quite a few different ones). I may have read it early on my my discovery so was reading it to "reconcile" my marriage as opposed to reading it just for me. I'll have to look it up again.
angel3 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Just wanted to add my $0.02 and agree - I can't recommend these books highly enough. I ordered both After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You? for myself shortly after d-day. I must say, I was so desperate for information, validation and understanding, that I sobbed my way through ATA in one night. VERY comforting - addressed all of my needs immediately after d-day - and I can easily see myself referring to it for a long time to come, as I am already doing. And I too was wary of the reviews saying she places a lot of blame on the BS - yes, while she does address issues for both partners and how the marriage may have broken down in the first place, I never felt 'blamed' as the BS. She repeatedly and clearly acknowledges no one can be forced to cheat, and that responsibility for the infidelity lies directly with the WS. But I think what makes this book so helpful for rebuilding the marriage is how she does address both parters - and the issues that arose before the affair ever took place. As long as you (either WS or BS) are open minded, I think there is a lot to learn from this book. In fact, my WH was curious and flipped through the book himself, only to drive straight to the bookstore and buy his own copy. We now both have it, are making notes in the margins and doing the exercises etc - with the goal of sitting down together and working through it together. It has helped us both to understand what the other is going through, and has given us a clear path back to one another, and to saving our marriage. I can honestly say I don't know if we would be where we are right now if we hadn't had the help from this book. I am now about 3/4 through How Can I Forgive You, and hoping to work toward genuine forgiveness, or if I can't, then acceptance. It opened my eyes about 'cheap forgiveness' - and I am grateful for that. These books are very good together - HCIFY picks up and follows on perfectly from ATA, for the BS - so I would definitely recommend them in that order. They just may save my marriage.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Angel, I was leary also because of the reviews I had read on after the affair, but it I didn't feel blamed either so that didn't end up being an issue for me. I also read Surviving Infidelity which I liked as well.
FireandIce Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Angel, I was leary also because of the reviews I had read on after the affair, but it I didn't feel blamed either so that didn't end up being an issue for me. I also read Surviving Infidelity which I liked as well. Who wrote Surviving Infidelity? I went to the bookstore to get the forgiveness one but they didn't have one at that location so I'll try again the next time I go to the city.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Hey F&I, Surviving Infidelity, making decisions, recovering from the pain written by Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris. I'm a wimp! Didn't want to go to the bookstore as I always see people I know, so I bought them from amazon online and had them delivered next day! I also bought Protecting Your Financial Security When getting a Divorce by Alan Feigenbaum and Heather Linton. I have read at this one but haven't attempted to read it through. It is VERY thorough and talks about situations to handle before, after, and during separation and divorce. Its not one of those how to screw your spouse over books or anything.
Lynna Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 In fact, my WH was curious and flipped through the book himself, only to drive straight to the bookstore and buy his own copy. We now both have it, are making notes in the margins and doing the exercises etc - with the goal of sitting down together and working through it together. It has helped us both to understand what the other is going through, and has given us a clear path back to one another, and to saving our marriage. I can honestly say I don't know if we would be where we are right now if we hadn't had the help from this book. I am glad to hear that your H was willing to read the book too. As I am reading I am thinking about that very seriously. I like the idea of him having a separate copy as I have made a LOT of notes in mine. I think they would distract him from what the books have to say. I would like him to at least read ATA but there are a few chapters in HCIFY that I think would help him as well. I too ordered mine online. Both books are really making me think a LOT about how I have reacted to the A and his actions. They have both given me insight into my own personality and into his. It is amazing to see his behavior described in so much detail and to have labels put on it. And to help me see some aspects of my personality that explain why I have reacted in certain ways. We definitely have a lot of work to do, together and individually.
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